


Yet Another Kingdom Hearts Parody: 358/2 Days

by iheartmwpp



Series: Yet Another Parody Series: Kingdom Hearts [7]
Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Humor, It's Gonna Be Pretty Tough You Guys, Parody, References To Things No One Knows, Screenplay/Script Format, This Is The Saddest Game In The Series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-02
Updated: 2016-07-26
Packaged: 2018-05-17 20:40:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 26
Words: 105,609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5884441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iheartmwpp/pseuds/iheartmwpp
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Because why not. Contains constant surprise at the shockingly good writing in the original game, annoyance at always having to do everyone's dirty work for everyone and not just Demyx, and a vain attempt to lampoon the saddest moment in the entire series thus far.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. LOOK AT ALL THE FUTURE GAME FOOTAGE!

**Author's Note:**

> **The Millions And Millions Of Things I Blatantly Stole From:** _Avatar: The Last Airbender, Family Guy, It, Harry Potter, Assassin’s Creed, Gurren Lagann, Firefly,_ Dragonball Z Abridged, Super Best Friends Play, and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~That cover of Dearly Beloved alone awakens a burning need to get the soundtrack.~

**Xemnas:** *in the Round Room with the others* For some reason I believe the Heartless to be pitiful.

**Lexaeus:** Why do I have my hood down while others don’t?

**Xemnas:** And now Keyblades have feelings, sure, why not.

**Marluxia:** I’m not wearing a hood either, what gives?

**Larxene:** Are the others faces concealed for dramatic tension, because I somehow doubt that.

**Axel:** Maybe it’s a kind of “Hey, look at these guys from Chain of Memories!” or something, since if they’re playing in the order that the HD collection wants them to, then no one would know anyone else yet.

**Xemnas:** And already I’m rambling about darkness.

**Zexion:** But we’re about to reveal the rest of them with almost no fanfare in everyday conversations basically.

**Vexen:** Not even, it’ll be right in the opening montage. Everyone’s gonna be there, shown off in all their badass glory.

**Xemnas:** Don’t forget the primary objective I’m telling you we all have: To collect the hearts from the Heartless to form the Title of the Franchise. And then we’ll all become real boys!

**Roxas:** I’m so confused.

**Organization XIII:** So’s everyone else, don’t worry about it.

**Utada Hikaru:** Figured you were getting tired of “Simple and Clean” by now, so here’s “Sanctuary” to break up the monotony.

**Axel:** *sitting on the clock tower with Roxas* Roxas, do you think any of us are wearing shirts or anything under our cloaks? _Any_ of us?

**Roxas:** I don’t know. We can’t just take them off for some reason. But I figure that the girls are probably wearing bras at least. At least I hope so, I hear some women feel more secure with an extra layer, but Larxene seems the type to be confident enough without one. And if any of us were wearing undershirts or something, we’d be able to feel it, wouldn’t we?

**Axel:** You’d think. *hands him popsicle*

**Roxas:** Where were you even keeping those? *takes it*

**Axel:** Up my ass.

**Roxas:** Gross. Nom.

**Axel:** Nom.

**Xemnas:** LOOK AT ALL THE STOCK FOOTAGE FROM KINGDOM HEARTS II. LOOK AT IT. *Apparates onto the wall* Hey.

**Sora:** Hey.

**Xemnas:** *raises his hands dramatically, summoning the other five*

**Organization XIII:** *are all wearing hoods so I’m just guessing who’s who based on voice and manner*

**Xemnas:** *takes off his hood for no reason* I am the enigmatic master over nothingness, the superior of the in-between.

**Mickey:** Okay, the right memory finally triggered for me.

**Xigbar:** *jumps onto the floor* …I’m not sure why I did that considering the first thing I’m gonna do when the fighting actually starts is teleport back onto that weird balcony thing again, considering I’m a _fucking sniper._ Seriously. I traverse between realms and I’m skilled at retcon and I’m a freeshooter. Made of awesome, basically.

**Xaldin:** I’ve just noticed that I almost float to the ground and therefore fall more slowly than anything else. Probably because I’m basically a fucking airbender. *summons six twisters out of the ground that crackle with purple lightning and fade to reveal six lances which he grabs three of while the other three float around him* I am a warrior and a tactician who harnesses the wind, hence the airbending. A whirlwind lancer, you might say.

**Sora:** Surprisingly, not the thing I’m most interested in at the moment.

**Vexen:** Just know that if you remain bound by the Chain of Memories—

**Peter Griffin:** Heheheheheheh, he said it!

**Vexen:** —and refuse to remember your true memories, then just get rid of your heart. You’re not a real Keyblade master, since you’ve never taken the Mark of Mastery exam; you’re just a slave to the memories that have been twisted and warped by your experiences here.

**Sora:** I’M NO ONE’S SLAVE.

**Donald and Goofy:** Oh please no.

**Vexen:** Yes, yes you are. Exactly like my Riku. *summons shield again*

**Sora:** …Your Riku? God, you’re revolting.

**Vexen:** Shut up! Your existence is worth nothing!

**Sora:** Your _mom’s_ existence is worth nothing!

**Vexen:** I don’t exist, therefore I don’t have a mother. Also you should know that I have dominion over the power of ice and that I’m a brilliant academic.

**Sora:** …I kinda got that…?

**Vexen:** Also I’m chilly. GEDDIT?! DO YA GEDDIT?!

**Sora:** Oy vey.

**Vexen:** But seriously, no morals whatsoever.

**Lexaeus:** Shut up, it’s time for my part of the montage. Ahem, my name’s Lexaeus. Nice to meet you.

**Riku:** Right back at ya, I’m Riku.

**Lexaeus:** Yes, I know who you are. Now stop running away from the darkness.

**Riku:** No.

**Lexaeus:** Okay. *lifts axe in preparation for battle*

**Riku:** …Wow, you can lift that thing with one hand?

**Lexaeus:** Yep.

**Riku:** That’s…That’s pretty badass, not gonna lie.

**Lexaeus:** Why thank you. I command the earth with quiet strength, and I’m taciturn and stalwart.

**Riku:** Exactly why are you expositing your personality to me?

**Lexaeus:** For the opening montage that’s happening right now.

**Riku:** Ah. Carry on then.

**Lexaeus:** Again, thank you, but my bit’s over now. Onto the next guy.

**Zexion:** *Apparates into the montage* Number Nine of our Organization, and indeed one of the most powerful amongst us, Marluxia, has been murdered by your bestest friendly-friend.

**Riku:** SORA’S IN THIS CASTLE?!

**Zexion:** Yyyyyep! Wanna see him? Can you see him?

**Riku:** SHIT YEAH I CAN!

**Zexion:** Have you forgotten that you still haven’t been able to shake off the various powers of darkness and also still occasionally get possessed by Ansem? Do you really think Sora will welcome you back with open arms after everything you’ve done?

**Riku:** …Maybe?

**Zexion:** Sora’s destiny requires that he fight everyone who might be in the least bit dark. That means you, buddy. Go talk to him if you don’t believe me. *throws him the Destiny Islands card and fucks off, but not before describing himself as wielding shadows and illusions while being a cloaked schemer* Wait, why am I described as “cloaked?” We’re all cloaked!

**Tim Curry:** THEY ALL FLOAT!

**Saïx:** Good. I can feel your anger. It gives you focus, makes you stronger. Now kill these Heartless. *summons a bunch of them* For some reason I believe the Heartless to be pitiful. And now Keyblades have feelings, sure, why not. Um, and then he rambles something about darkness, _no one_ was paying attention at that meeting…Oh, don’t forget the primary objective I’m telling you we all have: To collect the hearts from the Heartless to form the Title of the Franchise. And then we’ll all become real boys! SEE HOW I REPEATED EVERYTHING XEMNAS SAID JUST NOW?!

**Sora:** I did notice that, yes.

**Saïx:** I am an Adjutant. Which is an officer who helps a more superior officer. I had to look it up when the Superior told me what my job was . GET IT. Also all my crap coincides with the moon. So clearly I am a werewolf. I take no issue with this. And seven is the most powerfully magical number. COME AT ME BRO.

**Axel:** …Killing you now. *summons flames all around the area as well has his chakrams* Fuck it, let’s have fun with this!

**Roxas:** And your idea of fun is setting me on fire?

**Axel:** What, yours isn’t? *sets the ground on fire* I got motives of my own and I’m quitting the Templars to join the Assassins. Hah, references. And describing me as a “Flurry of Dancing Flames” is just asking for everyone to call me “Flaming.” Well bring it, I got nothin’ better to do and will try my best to bait you.

**Demyx:** _Don’t_ call me bro. I don’t wanna be called bro by the likes of such a backstabbing loser. *summons a dome of water around him that forms a sitar* I’m a laid-back sitar-wielding melodious nocturne that wields water, and I’m about to fight you more seriously than I’ve ever fought in my life.

**Sora:** That’s nice.

**Luxord:** Apparently I have Gamblers manning all the cannons. Fire!

**Black Pearl:** *fires on the Interceptor*

**Luxord:** As a gambler of fate, I can apparently fucking _control time_ and wagers to win every game, which is probably really easy since I can fucking _control time._ Ha ha ha! Mine is an evil laugh! *sails away on the Black Pearl*

**Sora:** …Why are you floating?

**Marluxia:** ‘Cause I can. Also stuff about emptiness shattering your heart—

**Sora:** What about the darkness?

**Marluxia:** Either, both, who even cares. *summons a twister with flower petals swirling around it* I am a graceful assassin, with ambitions hidden by my flowers and my scythe.

**Sora:** WHY DO YOU PEOPLE KEEP DESCRIBING YOURSELVES TO ME.

**Larxene:** Ow, my hand…Is it _really_ that important to you, though? *summons four yellow throwing knives in each hand…I’m not gonna lie, I kinda want ‘em* Ten seconds ago, you didn’t even know what it was!

**Jiminy:** She’s got a point, you know—

**Sora:** NOT THE TIME!

**Larxene:** I’m a savage nymph who’s armed with lightning knives and a temper. Wanna taste?

**Sora:** I have a feeling that I don’t get a choice…

**Roxas:** *is crouched outside the gates to the mansion in Twilight Town* I AM STANDING.

**Xemnas:** *Apparates in using the Corridors of Darkness and walks up to him* You seek answers.

**Roxas:** Yeah, why do the opening cutscenes have subtitles?

**Xemnas:** Quiet, you.

**Roxas:** So I’m not gonna get any answers out of you.

**Xemnas:** Pretty much, no. *waves his hand in front of him and Sora’s name appears in transparent, floating letters* After all, you feel nothing. Nothing is real.

**Roxas:** Nothing is true, everything is permitted?

**Xemnas:** …Sure, why not. Whatever gives you purpose so you can carry out my dirty work.

**Roxas:** M’kay.

**Xemnas:** *makes the floating letters spin around Roxas for a while until, when they stop, they’re mixed up and an X has been added*

**Roxas:** *stares at his new name* …I am the Key of Destiny, awakened in the flickering light of dusk. How do I know this.

**Xemnas:** I’m not entirely sure.

**Roxas:** *is now walking along, passing Hayner, Pence, and Olette, all of whom have sea salt ice cream and all of whom somehow don’t even notice him*

**Hayner:** OM NOM NOM.

**Roxas:** I am so close to turning around.

**Axel:** *comes over and puts a hand on his shoulder* C’mon, I’ll get you some of that stuff. *teleports them on top of the clock tower in the next shot*

**Roxas:** This really _is_ the my first day of existence that I forgot about seven days in! *takes a bite of ice cream*

**Axel:** You know, I think it might be. Weird, huh? *takes a bite of his own ice cream* You know, I don’t think I like this much.

**Roxas:** Then why do you keep eating it with me?

**Axel:** Because you like it. 

**Roxas:** Awwww!

**Axel:** I know, I’m awesome. But I also think that it’s a kind of flavor that you can slowly get used to.

**Roxas:** You may well be right about that, but I like the first theory better.

**Axel:** So do I. And now we’re done flashbacking. Man, I miss the beginning of all this. Do you still have it memorized?

**Roxas:** Can I get a refresher on everything you just flashbacked to?

**Axel:** The day you got your new name and the day I was assigned to you, we sat here with our ice cream and watched the sun set, just like this. Remember now?

**Roxas:** Well, seeing as how I only started to remember things around my seventh day of existence, I’d have to go with no on that.

**Axel:** Ah. Well then you fail.

**Title card:** Good luck figuring out how to say this shit!

**Player/Viewer:** Days.

**Title Card:** …Crap baskets.

~Day 255: Why The Sun Sets Red~

**Roxas:** *is sitting on the clock tower by himself, staring at the sunset*

**Axel:** YO, HD MOVIE VERSION, BABY!

**Roxas:** Not really, we’re still incorporating the game and the manga, or what we can from the manga since it’s never gonna come over State-side probably—HOLY FUCK WHAT’S WITH YOUR FACE I THOUGHT THIS WAS HD.

**Axel:** *sits down next to him* You’re one to talk. And now I’m pretty again.

**Roxas:** …You ever think that us sitting up here is actually kind of dangerous?

**Axel:** _Naaaaaah._ Mainly because there’s no fall damage.

**Roxas:** Oh yeah, I keep forgetting.

**Axel:** Here, have some ice cream offscreen.

**Roxas:** Thanks. Dude I’m two-hundred and fifty-five days old.

**Axel:** I’m done with mine already. And why’re we celebrating your very merry unbirthday?

**Roxas:** We’re not, I just thought I’d randomly state it on today of all days for some reason.

**Axel:** You’re a weird guy, having the number memorized like that.

**Roxas:** You’re the one who keeps telling me to memorize things! And since I have no other memories other than the Organization, it’s something I actually can remember. Hey, remember that one time I was basically a zombie?

**Axel:** *puts his hand on his shoulder* Yeah, I had to help you sit in chairs, it was so embarrassing. And nothing has changed. *slaps him on the back*

**Roxas:** *swipes at him* I am not!

**Axel:** *laughs* You totally are! You’re totally a zombie!

**Roxas:** I am not! That’s a typo!

**Axel:** In your f—What?! Typo from _what?!_ Crombie?! Jombie?! Zimbie?!

**Roxas:** All right, let’s—

**Axel:** _Zambambo?!_

**Roxas:** FINE, I’m a zambambo, you fucking win!

**Axel:** Damn right I do! *laughs* DO YOU KNOW WHY THE SUN SETS RED? I DO!

**Roxas:** That’s great, but the sun’s yellow right now.

**Axel:** Fuck off, I’m talking. You see, light is made up of lots of colors. And out of all those colors, red is the one that travels the farthest.

**Roxas:** *elbows him* You’re so fucking full of yourself.

**Axel:** You know it! *laughs with Roxas again*

**Sunset:** *is actually really pretty*

**Axel:** I AM NOW CHILLAXING.

**Roxas:** With your derp face on again, yeah. *examining his finished ice cream stick* So where that bitch at, anyway, she’s later than you are.

**Axel:** She’s probably just now finding out that she’s basically a clone. Of a biological male no less, that’s gotta be confusing.

**Roxas:** You say something?

**Axel:** NOPE! *sits up* And now I must brood.

**Roxas:** You brood quite well.

**Axel:** Why thank you.

~…What? I spoil shit all the time, you’re not gonna bitch at me _now,_ are ya?~


	2. The Lord Of The Ellipses

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Yo Look At Everything I Blatantly Stole From:** _Lord of the Rings,_ Naruto the Abridged Comedy Fandub Spoof Series Show, Me and my Dick, Super Best Friends Play, _Airplane!,_ Dragonball Z Abridged, _Monty Python’s Life of Brian,_ Code MENT, _Harry Potter,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~And now begins the weird process of incorporating like four different forms of media into one parody.~

 **Roxas:** I am now narrating for some reason. But the real story starts when I was seven days old, and I can actually start to remember things. That’s when I met her…Who the hell am I even talking to.

 **Day counter:** *counts back from 255 to 7*

~Day 7: Number XIV~

 **The Castle That Never Was:** *looks pretty boss for being nonexistent*

 **Roxas:** *is lying in bed*

 **Manga version:** *has Dusks clothespin his nose shut before Axel saves his ass*

 **Roxas:** *eventually wakes up and heads to the main room with everyone else*

 **Larxene:** Eww. You’re awake? That disgusts me for some reason.

 **Xigbar:** Hey, Roxas. Welcome to the program, as they say.

 **Roxas:** Who’s they?

 **Xigbar:** Iunno.

 **Axel:** Hey, Roxas.

 **Roxas:** ELLIPSIS.

 **Axel:** Something I can help you with there, chatterbox?

 **Roxas:** ELLIPSIS.

 **Axel:** *crosses and uncrosses arms for no reason* Ah, I remember now. I didn’t have it memorized for some reason. We were supposed to convene in the Round Room today.

 **Roxas:** Round…Room? That’s a…dumb…name.

 **Axel:** It sure is. We are very unoriginal. Apparently the boss man’s got some big news. Wanna head over there now?

 **Roxas:** Not yet, I still have some controls to get used to.

 **Axel:** Okay, just holler when you’re ready. Not like you can find it on your own, right?

 **Saïx:** Today’s is an important meeting. I expect everyone to be there on time. Feel free to show up whenever the hell you want.

 **Roxas:** M’kay. *practices jumping…and can suddenly jump higher than Axel and Saïx are tall. What happened to _that_ skill in KHII?*

 **Axel:** So whaddaya think? Ready to go?

 **Roxas:** *bursts into song* _I know there’s so much more to what I think I see—_

 **Axel:** Yeah yeah, that’s great. Let’s just go already. *goes into the Round Room with Roxas and helps him sit in his designated chair*

 **Xigbar:** That Axel’s better at taking care of people than he looks.

 **Xaldin:** Certainly.

 **Luxord:** It suits him.

 **Marluxia:** I agree.

 **Axel:** I can hear you guys, you know!

 **Demyx and Larxene:** *stick a whoopee cushion on his chair while he does this*

 **Axel:** You all suck!

 **Xemnas:** We’re fast forwarding to when the meeting started now. And guess what? Today is a momentous day. For some reason you are now allowed to take off your hoods all day every day if you feel like it.

 **Saïx:** Hooray. I am ecstatic.

 **Axel:** Can I request that we make it mandatory for the Dusks to _not clothespin sleeping members’ noses shut?!_ Roxas nearly died this morning; we almost lost our key player here!

 **Larxene:** Aww, you make such a cute nanny!

 **Axel:** Oh, so I can discipline you for that whoopee cushion then?

 **Demyx:** Oh come on, bro, you know that was hilarious!

 **Axel:** …Okay, it kind of was.

 **Demyx:** You know it!

 **Xemnas:** If we could continue?

 **Demyx:** Sorry!

 **Axel:** Sorry.

 **Larxene:** Whatever.

 **Xemnas:** Good enough. Also we got a new member, get hyped.

 **Xion:** *walks in from…somewhere*

 **Xemnas:** Say hi to Number XIV, everybody.

 **Everyone else:** Hi to Number XIV, everybody.

 **Xemnas:** Why do I bother with you people.

 **Roxas:** Hang on, I have to flash back to when I was introduced.

 **Axel:** Do I have to teach you how to walk as well? Just step forward already!

 **Xemnas:** DUDES WE GOT A KEYBLADE WIELDER UP IN THIS BITCH.

 **Organization members:** OH MAN I’M SO HYPED! I JUST WANNA TAKE TONS OF DRUGS!

 **Xemnas:** Now don’t think of this grin as rapey or anything.

 **Roxas:** Uhhhh…

 **Xion:** Stop flashbacking and look at me smiling at you.

 **Roxas:** Uhhhh…

 **Narration Roxas:** All I had was my name and my designated number by that point. I had no idea who the people around me were, or what they wanted, or what their ultimate plans were. But I was kind of stuck with them and they sort of gave me a purpose in life so I went with it.

~AND NOW FOR AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT STYLE OF WRITING SO WE CAN INCLUDE ALL OF THE DIARY ENTRIES.~

 _Roxas’s Diary – Day 7 – Entry 1_  
It’s been a week since I got here. Saïx told me to keep a diary, but he said nobody would check it. Which means everyone here will check it since we’re all Nobodies so I _really_ shouldn’t write anything incriminating here ever. Not that I know what to write as of yet…

Today they told us to go to the Round Room, which is the most unoriginal name for a room I’ve ever heard in my seven days of existence, where we met our new member, no. XIV. Was I like that when I first got here? I think I was. But I don’t remember it too well.

( _Meaning_  
A name defines an object. Describes the span of it. Gives it purpose.

We embarked upon the Replica Program to ensure our new power stays ours. Now, our shadow puppet, “No. i,” lives. It needs a name. Something to define it. To give the hollow vessel purpose. Something we can add an X to and have it still turn out to be a decent sounding name, just to fit with the theme and make it seem like it’s an actual member. Maybe a girl’s name for no reason.

The person writing this also needs a name. It is unknown which member is currently transcribing this hidden entry.)

~Day 8: The Icing on the Cake~

 **Saïx:** Roxas, your work begins today. You’ve loafed around for a week and now it’s time for you to actually do some shit. I will issue missions, which the Organization expects you to carry out.

 **Roxas:** ELLIPSIS.

 **Saïx:** Think of these early missions as exercises. You still have much to learn before we put you to a real test.

 **Roxas:** ELLIPSIS.

 **Saïx:** Axel will be joining you your first time out. Isn’t that right, Axel?

 **Axel:** Oh boy…At this rate, I really will be his nanny.

 **Saïx:** Surely you don’t mind showing Roxas the ropes?

 **Axel:** *eyeroll* Roxas, the ropes are over there in the corner. And don’t call me Shirley!

 **Saïx:** Don’t be such a dumbass. Roxas, come see me when you’re ready to go.

 **Axel:** Oh please don’t get him started—

 **Roxas:** *bursts into song* _I feel a change and the strange thing is—_

 **Axel:** *laughs* STFU. Also I’m your babysitter now, so work with me or I’ll kick your ass.

 **Roxas:** ELLIPSIS.

 **Axel:** Sheesh…Quit acting like a musical zombie and let’s get this show on the road.

 **Roxas:** …Wanna talk to people first.

 **Axel:** Go nuts, Zexion’s the only one here anyway, apart from Xion who’s about as chatty as you are so what’s the point. Just talk to Saïx when you’re set to go.

 **Roxas:** Not when I’m _ready_ to go?

 **Axel:** Hell no, I’m not falling for that crap again.

 **Zexion:** Number XIV’s name that I’m refusing to specify…I wonder if it bears some significance.

 **Roxas:** OKAY I’M SET NOW.

 **Saïx:** Teach him well, Axel. And don’t fuck it up.

 **Axel:** No prob, I totally got this.

 **Roxas:** *looks over at Xion*

 **Axel:** Roxas, you…interested in the new meat? What’s her face?

 **Saïx:** Xion. Did you not have it memorized? Or did you just not pay attention to anything the Superior said, as per usual?

 **Axel:** Shut up, I have it memorized now, and I’m sure Roxas does too, am I right, buddy?

 **Roxas:** *hides behind him, intimidated by Xion’s staring*

 **Axel:** … *head tilt* Okay…?

 **Roxas:** Xion…Pronounced Shion…

 **Saïx:** If you two could get a move on—

 **Axel:** Hold up, this is the first time he’s actually shown an interest in anything. Do you know my name yet?

 **Roxas:** Ax…es…

 **Axel:** Ax _el._

 **Roxas:** Axel.

 **Axel:** Good, we’ll work on that. And the boss’s name?

 **Roxas:** Obligatory Mansex reference.

 **Axel:** Good, get that out of the way quickly, you’re doing great at this. And his actual name?

 **Roxas:** Xemnas.

 **Axel:** Perfect! YOU’LL NEVER FORGET HIS NAME NOW, WILL YOU?

 **Roxas:** NEVER EVER.

 **Saïx:** Oh I get it, I understood that joke.

 **Axel:** I’m sure you do. *creates a Dark Corridor* C’mon, Roxas. *goes into it with Roxas close behind him, leading him into the tunnels under Twilight Town* All right. Missions. Tutorial levels. Expositional dialogue. Let us do these things.

 **Roxas:** Exposit away.

 **Axel:** …I do not, in fact, know the definition of a mission or how to explain what we do to you. Crap baskets.

 **Roxas:** …You’re amazing.

 **Axel:** Oh fuck off.

 **Roxas:** How shall I fuck off, O Lord?

 **Axel:** By actually doing the mission without me explaining it to you, you seem more like a hands-on kind of guy anyway. Okay, first up is learning how to jump.

 **Roxas:** I already know that.

 **Axel:** Good for you! But you can’t just run and jump around if you want to survive. I mean, you could, but apart from survival it wouldn’t accomplish all that much. You also have to be aware of your surroundings.

 **Roxas:** Why’s that?

 **Axel:** ‘Cause there’re enemies all over the place, and also sometimes the key to completing a mission’ll be staring you in the face, you just have to not be a dumbass. Got it memorized?

 **Roxas:** Maybe…

 **Axel:** Good enough for now. So, what I want you to do is find a treasure chest that’s hidden somewhere in these tunnels. Go fetch.

 **Roxas:** …Is that really it?

 **Axel:** You’d be surprised how easy it is to fuck up even the simplest of missions. Just ask Demyx.

 **Roxas:** M’kay…Why’re you following me?

 **Axel:** To make sure you don’t fuck it up.

 **Roxas:** That’s fair, but why do you have your chakrams out?

 **Axel:** To make sure you don’t get hurt.

 **Roxas:** Okay…What are these white and black squiggly lines blocking the doorway and why are they impeding our progress?

 **Axel:** _Your_ progress, and they’re there to keep you on track and focused on the mission.

 **Roxas:** So there’s nothing down there?

 **Axel:** There might well be something down there, but nothing relevant to the task at hand. Mainly they just don’t want us goofing off.

 **Roxas:** Oh. *runs up to Axel* Heh heh, I can push you around.

 **Axel:** Stop that.

 **Roxas:** Why aren’t your legs moving?

 **Axel:** I’m gonna punch you.

 **Roxas:** *breaks boxes* Hey, I can destroy things! What is this giant key I can summon out of nowhere, by the way?

 **Axel:** The Keyblade, and it’s why the Organization hired you.

 **Roxas:** We’re getting paid for this?

 **Axel:** Well you get to keep the money you pick up from destroyed enemies and items, though most of that will be given back to the Organization in exchange for weapon mods, abilities, and stat upgrades, but you can still keep the rest to use on food and hobbies and such. Also you get free room and board.

 **Roxas:** That’s nice, then, I guess. HEY LOOK I FOUND THE THING.

 **Axel:** That sure is a thing you found!

 **Roxas:** ELLIPSIS.

 **Axel:** … _Open it?!_

 **Roxas:** I thought the mission was just to _find_ the chest.

 **Axel:** *original dialogue* Uh, Roxas…There’s this thing about chests. They have stuff in them.

 **Roxas:** Soooo…

 **Axel:** Yeeees…

 **Roxas:** What you’re saying is…

 **Axel:** Yeeees…

 **Roxas:** That I…

 **Axel:** Yeeees…

 **Roxas:** SHOULD BLOW SHIT UP.

 **Axel:** Yes—Wait no. Just open it. That is generally what we do.

 **Roxas:** Okay… *opens the chest and receives a Potion for his efforts*

 **Axel:** Great job, man! And the best part is that you can keep whatever you found!

 **Roxas:** What’s this thing do, anyway?

 **Axel:** Restores a small amount of health. Should be perfect for you for a while until you level up and gain more health than potions can restore, but there are upgrades for that.

 **Roxas:** What kind of potions are these and how do we know they’re not poison?

 **Axel:** …I’m not entirely sure, it’s just some mystical bullshit that we’ve all come to accept as normal. Also according to one panel in the Chain of Memories manga they look like soda cans, though this time they look like Gatorade bottles or something similar.

 **Roxas:** And yet we call them Potions.

 **Axel:** That’d be a cool name for a soda, you don’t know! Anyway, it’s time for us to RTC.

 **Roxas:** Dude I’m new here.

 **Axel:** Oh, right, sorry, I mean Return To the Castle. You first, I want to see your navigation skills. Lead us back to the Dark Corridor that brought us here.

 **Roxas:** They’ve been called Dark Corridors this whole time?! I’ve been calling it Apparition!

 **Axel:** That’s only if we appear and disappear at will with some kind of noise and no smoke effects whatsoever.

 **Roxas:** But I thought that since it’s implied that we’re sort of the bad guys, we’d have a dark aura surrounding us that would take the form of black smoke whenever we teleport anywhere.

 **Axel:** What kind of fucked up idea is that?! That’s one of the stupidest things I’ve ever heard in my life!

 **Roxas:** …It was just an idea—

 **Axel:** Well it was a stupid idea. I’m sorry, kid, but them’s the brakes.

 **Roxas:** …Nah, in retrospect, you’re probably totally right. Also, you wanted to test my navigation skills?

 **Axel:** That would be why I’m not leading the way back, yes.

 **Roxas:** So I just follow this map on the bottom screen, then?

 **Axel:** You have one of those wired into your brain too? Cool.

 **Roxas:** Is that healthy?

 **Axel:** Probably not.

 **Roxas:** You know, in the manga we actually fought Heartless and you were injured, and that strengthened my resolve to not suck so you wouldn’t be hurt anymore, or at least that was the implication.

 **Axel:** Wow, that’s actually pretty neat, I would’ve liked to see that.

 **Roxas:** Right? Also we’re back at the thing.

 **Axel:** Conglaturations, guy! *applauds him. I’m completely serious* So? Whaddaya think of your first mission?

 **Roxas:** Do you always start off on such cakewalks?

 **Axel:** Actually, I hate to say it, but we went easier on you than everyone else due to your memory loss. We could all remember who we used to be and thus remembered how to fight and do things. Like sit in chairs.

 **Roxas:** I’m never gonna live that one down, am I?

 **Axel:** NOPE! But it’s good that you thought that was a cakewalk.

 **Roxas:** Please, I could’ve done that blindfolded.

 **Axel:** Oh yeah, a blindfolded zombie, that’ll go over well — Wait, did you just emote?!

 **Roxas:** Maaaaayyyybeeee…

 **Axel:** Sick! My own personal mission is also complete! This calls for some icing on the cake! This way! *starts to head back into the tunnels*

 **Roxas:** I thought we had to return to the castle, the ways were still blocked even though the mission was complete!

 **Axel:** I can now remove them for bullshit magic reasons. So do you remember that place I took you when you were basically born?

 **Roxas:** Not really.

 **Axel:** Well we’re gonna teleport over to there now. With ice cream this time! _This_ is the icing on the cake I was telling you about. *hands Roxas one of the popsicles*

 **Roxas:** *hesitantly takes it*

 **Axel:** *starts nomming his* Remember the name of this stuff?

 **Roxas:** …No. No I don’t. _I have amnesia._

 **Axel:** I hate going over this again and again. _Sea-salt ice cream._ Get it memorized, for fuck’s sake.

 **Roxas:** *noms a little* It’s salty…but sweet.

 **Axel:** Which is also exactly what you said seven days ago. I think those were the first words I heard you say, to be honest!

 **Roxas:** I’m sorry that I don’t remember.

 **Axel:** Eh, it’s not your fault. So, a full week, huh?

 **Roxas:** Maybe, I can’t even remember that much. I kind of only really started to become self-aware around yesterday.

 **Axel:** Fair enough. So, permanent gig now. Hittin’ it big with the Organization.

 **Roxas:** The Organization…

 **Axel:** Yep, the first successful mission, no matter how lame, is what really sets everything off for you.

 **Roxas:** You don’t say…

 **Axel:** …So do you have my name memorized yet?

 **Roxas:** Access.

 **Axel:** You did that on purpose!

 **Roxas:** Maybe a little bit. Maybe just a little bit.

 **Axel:** *laughs* I could get used to this!

~I actually like their friendship a lot, this is gonna be tough.~

 _Roxas’s Diary – Day 8_  
Axel and I went to Twilight Town today. He taught me a lot.

Before we RTC’d (Returned To the Castle…or is that Return to The Castle? I don’t really know, I can’t actually read text boxes) we swung by the clock tower and had some sea-salt ice cream. Axel called it the “icing on the cake” after a successful mission. Well except there was no cake – just the ice cream. I don’t even know what cake is.

I DON’T FUCKING KNOW WHAT TO WRITE IN THIS FUCKING THING!

( _Roxas_  
Seems like we’re getting new members every day. No. XIII was a boy, Roxas, who looked just like some kid I ran into once like ten years ago back when I was a human, it was kind of strange. Now we’ve got a No. XIV, Xion. She keeps her hood up, I have no idea what she looks like. If she’s even a she, she seemed to have breasts and a slimmer figure with hips, but I’d hate to misjudge.

Today’s mission was to show Roxas the ropes. I felt like actually taking him on the mission instead. Also all we did was find a chest, not really much of a challenge, even for a zombie. I feel like they’ve had me babysitting him since he got here. He’s not a bad kid, but he’s spacey. Good fighter, though, I somehow know by telling him how to _open a fucking chest._ At least I won’t be bored. And I’m starting to like the ice cream now as well, so that’s a plus. Hope it doesn’t go straight to my hips!)


	3. ...This Is A Hostile Work Environment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **I Don't Own Much But I Definitely Don't Own This:** _Archer,_ Dragonball Z Abridged, Naruto the Abridged Comedy Fandub Spoof Series Show, Super Best Friends Play, and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~I keep forgetting how much I genuinely like this story.~

**Narration Roxas:** HI! Back again! So yeah, doing missions for the Organization is all well and good, but I’m still not sure what the point of it all is. Hell, I don’t think anyone really does, but don’t try to tell any of _them_ that…

~Day 9: Heartless~

**Roxas:** Man, searching for and opening that chest was just _so exhausting—_

**Saïx:** Enough. You’ll be working with Marluxia today.

**Roxas:** …That your natural color?

**Marluxia:** Oh, here we go again with this—

**Roxas:** ‘Cause if so that’s awesome, but if not it still looks great!

**Marluxia:** …Oh. That is not the usual reaction I was expecting. Thank you kindly, young man! I’m happy to have you with us!

**Roxas:** Any time!

**Saïx:** Just talk to me when you’re ready to begin. *walks off*

**Roxas:** Mind if I talk to people first?

**Marluxia:** Knock yourself out. We’ll set out when you’re ready. It’s not like we have a schedule to keep or anything.

**Roxas:** …Sure.

**Vexen:** A Keyblade wielder…This could prove quite enlightening.

**Roxas:** You creep me out.

**Vexen:** Aw come on, I just want to dissect you!

**Roxas:** Not into that, thanks.

**Vexen:** Oh crap baskets.

**Demyx:** So, uh…you play any instruments?

**Roxas:** Well, I—

**Demyx:** No?

**Roxas:** You’re not even letting me answer!

**Demyx:** …Never mind.

**Roxas:** Welp, there’s no point in talking with these fuckers, so I guess I’m ready.

**Saïx:** Roxas, do the thing.

**Marluxia:** And now we have teleported!

**Roxas:** Will I get to learn how to make Dark Corridors too?

**Marluxia:** Maybe someday.

**Roxas:** So what’s the mission today?

**Marluxia:** Harvesting organs.

**Roxas:** …

**Marluxia:** Take out your Keyblade. That’s what’s gonna be used to carve them out of dudes.

**Roxas:** M’kay. *summons Kingdom Key*

**Marluxia:** Lucky bastard…

**Shadow Heartless:** *pop up all over*

**Roxas:** Whoa, what’re those? And why did the music just change?

**Marluxia:** The music changed because we’re basically in battle mode now. And don’t worry about those guys, they’re pussies, just bash ‘em to death.

**Roxas:** I will not question the moral implications implied therein and just assume they’re evil. *murders them all*

**Marluxia:** Well they actually kind of are, so you got that going for you. Those Heartless are called Shadows, by the way, they’re the most common and weakest forms of Heartless which shouldn’t give you any trouble in the long run.

**Roxas:** Okay, but I never got the exposition on what Heartless were.

**Marluxia:** Creatures of darkness who harvest people’s hearts. There are actually two different types we don’t really differentiate from as often as we probably should. The ones you just defeated are Purebloods, and they actually don’t release any hearts when you kill them.

**Roxas:** Wait, _that’s_ how we’re harvesting organs? By just bashing things to death?

**Marluxia:** Basically. Don’t bother with those guys, since we actually need to collect hearts, after all. The other type is called—

**Yellow Operas:** *appear*

**Roxas:** Half-bloods? Muggle-borns? Half-breeds? Squibs?

**Marluxia:** I’ll explain after you kill these guys. The ones with the black and red heart-like insignia on them are the ones you want to go after. It’s those guys whose organs will float up into the sky after you defeat them.

**Roxas:** …Wha—?

**Marluxia:** I don’t know, just go with it.

**Roxas:** … *head tilt* Okay…? *kills the Heartless anyway*

**Marluxia:** So yeah, they’re known as Emblem Heartless.

**Roxas:** Why do hearts appear from them and not the others?

**Marluxia:** I’m not sure, to be honest I wasn’t one of the original six members of the Organization so I have slightly less of a clue about what’s going on than most of the others, I’m afraid. But yeah, your overarching mission as a member of the Organization will always be to collect hearts for us. So the more you wanna level up, the better it will be for us in the long run. I guess you can still go after Purebloods for EXP, but it would be better for the group if you focused on Emblems.

**Roxas:** Can’t I just take out everyone so that the people of this town we’re currently inhabiting won’t get hurt?

**Marluxia:** Oh right, I forgot who your Other was for a sec. Yeah, sure, if you’ve got time I guess you can knock yourself out.

**Roxas:** Is there anything special I have to do for the hearts to appear?

**Marluxia:** Whack ‘em with your Keyblade. Seriously, that’s it. Fuck, even magic’ll work since it’s still tied to the Keyblade.

**Roxas:** And what happens to the hearts after they float up into the sky?

**Marluxia:** They’ll form a heart-shaped moon that will be named after the title of the franchise.

**Roxas:** …Are we good guys or bad guys?

**Marluxia:** We’re kind of out for ourselves for the most part. We don’t necessarily want to take over any worlds or hurt anyone on purpose, usually, but if we want to help each other out we do kind of have to do some things others might not be comfortable with. And like you said before, getting rid of the Heartless will help the people in the worlds we visit. So…neutral? In my opinion anyway.

**Roxas:** Okay, I can ultimately live with that. So all of us collect hearts?

**Marluxia:** Nope! Only you!

**Roxas:** …Wait, what?

**Marluxia:** The rest of us can defeat them, sure, but they reform later since we didn’t take any hearts from them, meaning the hearts are still out there. See what a super special snowflake you are?

**Roxas:** …One more question.

**Marluxia:** Yeah?

**Roxas:** If we’re collecting _hearts_ from these creatures, why are they called _Heartless?_ Shouldn’t they not have hearts to collect, as their name implies?

**Marluxia:** Yeeeeaaaahh, the naming of the different creatures in this universe kind of came back to bite us on the ass later, it kind of sucks. Just know that the terms Heartless and Nobodies are complete misnomers that mean the opposite of what they actually are.

**Roxas:** Gotcha. Wait, what’s a Nobody?

**Marluxia:** Not now, first take out the rest of the Yellow Operas that just popped up.

**Roxas:** Okay. *kills them all*

**Marluxia:** Excellent job, Roxas! *flowers start appearing in the background as he talks in the manga version* That Keyblade is truly something magnificent, isn’t it…What I could do with such power if it was mine to command…

**Roxas:** You’re burying me with flowers over here.

**Marluxia:** Oh, I’m sorry! I was just speculating and blatantly foreshadowing upcoming events.

**Roxas:** Oh, that’s okay then.

**Marluxia:** Remember, Roxas, that the entire focus of the Organization rests entirely upon your shoulders. No pressure!

**Roxas:** …Riiiight…

**Marluxia:** Wanna RTC? Or do you wanna laugh as I follow you around with my scythe out and jump when you jump?

**Roxas:** WHEEEEEEE!

**Marluxia:** …Can we RTC _now,_ this thing’s kind of heavy.

**Narration Roxas:** Rehashing of what we just went over…I don’t even know what a heart is, frankly, I just know that the Heartless have them despite their name and that I have to murder them to get at said hearts. At least I can claim it was self-defense every time I slaughter one.

~Day 10: Incomplete~

**Roxas:** So now I know what my mission in life is, that’s something.

**Zexion:** Good morning, Roxas. I’m number VI, Zexion. I made you some fish. Please take it in place of a business card.

**Roxas:** This is the first thing I’ve had to eat that wasn’t ice cream…Not bad, guy!

**Zexion:** I’m glad you like it. Anyway, your mission is with me today. Chat with anyone you wish to and check in with Saïx when you’re ready. *goes and sits over on one of the chairs with a book out*

**Lexaus:** ELLIPSIS.

**Roxas:** Yay, someone speaks my native language!

**Marluxia:** The Keyblade wielder’s power…How fascinating.

**Roxas:** You said that yesterday.

**Marluxia:** I might be getting a little obsessed, I admit.

**Roxas:** Creepy.

**Zexion:** *looks up from his book* If you’re finished preparing, you need to talk to Saïx, not me.

**Roxas:** May I ask what you’re reading?

**Zexion:** _The Princess Bride._

**Roxas:** Cool, can I borrow it after you’re done?

**Zexion:** …I’m kind of possessive of my books. I tried to lend some to other Organization members before, and they came back with coffee stains and ink marks all over them. Demyx even doodled on a couple pages once.

**Roxas:** Oh, that’s fine then.

**Zexion:** It’s not you, it’s the others, they’ve kind of destroyed most of my trust when it comes to my things.

**Roxas:** No, I understand completely.

**Zexion:** Thank you.

**Saïx:** I’m sending you two to Twilight Town again. You ready?

**Roxas:** I don’t want to interrupt Zexion…

**Zexion:** It’s called a bookmark, it’s fine.

**Roxas:** Oh, okay then.

**Zexion:** *takes them both to Twilight Town* So you need to kill a bunch of Heartless again, but that won’t always be your mission. Sometimes you’ll have to perform reconnaissance missions, for example. But whatever your mission, if you see an Emblem Heartless, kill that Emblem Heartless.

**Roxas:** So I basically have two jobs no matter what?

**Zexion:** Correct.

**Roxas:** Crap baskets.

**Zexion:** Also correct. *starts following him around with a book out*

**Roxas:** So you’re just gonna read while I fight? I can see how this can get boring quickly, but…

**Zexion:** No, this is a different book. It’s actually my weapon.

**Roxas:** …You fight with a book.

**Zexion:** Hey, have you ever dropped a really heavy one on your foot before? These things can pack a punch, even more of one when there’s a force besides gravity behind it! Also I can teleport when necessary.

**Roxas:** That’s pretty cool.

**Zexion:** Yes it is. Now go find and kill seven Emblems in this huge sprawling area.

**Roxas:** That shouldn’t be too hard, I can see where they are on the little screen at the bottom of my brain.

**Zexion:** Good, I’m not the only one with one of those.

**Roxas:** You are not, I think Axel has that too.

**Zexion:** Now that you mention it, we all might, it’s just that you’re the first one who ever brought it up.

**Roxas:** Aaaaand got all seven. We done?

**Zexion:** We can be if you want, but I’m a completionist. I say we stick around a little longer.

**Roxas:** …But I did the mission.

**Zexion:** And yet there are still Emblems floating around.

**Roxas:** You mean the one that just vanished again?

**Zexion:** It’ll be back, unless you kill it. You can kill it or you can return to the castle, it’s entirely up to you. Just like it’s entirely up to me to choose whether or not to respect you for not 100%-ing all your missions.

**Roxas:** Okay, you know as well as I do that some of the later ones are _fucking impossible._

**Zexion:** Sure, I’ll forgive you the impossible ones, but when they’re easy to max out like this one? Come on, what’s a couple extra minutes?

**Roxas:** Fair enough. *defeats a few more Heartless*

**Zexion:** There, was that so hard? And not only can you level up from it, but sometimes Organization members will flat-out give you free shit for being awesome.

**Roxas:** I do like free shit…

**Zexion:** And there you go! Now, any questions before we RTC?

**Roxas:** Yeah, how do we psychically know exactly where the Heartless are on the map, even if it is imprinted into our brains?

**Zexion:** Not a fucking clue.

**Roxas:** And just what is the Title of the Franchise, anyway? Marluxia said it was some kind of…of giant moon that I alone am responsible for forming.

**Zexion:** Yes…?

**Roxas:** But what does it _do?_ What, exactly, am I fighting for?

**Zexion:** It’s time to explain what a Nobody is. You, me, and everyone else in the organization are Nobodies.

**Roxas:** *actual dialogue* Well that’s not very nice.

**Zexion:** And yet that’s what we are, for we are merely bodies stumbling around, completely lacking a heart.

**Roxas:** I don’t have a heart? Then how the crap am I even alive right now? It’s kind of vital to maintaining my existence.

**Zexion:** That’s just it—we don’t exist.

**Roxas:** THEN HOW ARE WE TALKING TO EACH OTHER RIGHT NOW.

**Zexion:** I DON’T KNOW.

**Roxas:** Wait, if we still have bodies, but not hearts, then why aren’t we called Heartless?

**Zexion:** Marluxia explained the concept of misnomers, right?

**Roxas:** He did do that, yes.

**Zexion:** Well there you have it. I just hope we can count on you to “get it” done.

**Roxas:** …Why were those two words in quotes?

**Zexion:** Any more questions?

**Roxas:** Yes! Why did you put those two words in quotes?

**Zexion:** Then we should be getting back. Come on.

**Roxas:** AAAAAAARGH! Wait, why did I just learn how to set things on fire?

**Zexion:** BECAUSE OF REASONS. TOILET PAPER.

**Narration Roxas:** They’re telling me that because I don’t have a heart, I don’t exist. Clearly none of them read Descartes.

~Day 11: Keyblade~

**Roxas:** Good morning, sunshine!

**Saïx:** You’ll be working with Larxene today.

**Roxas:** Okay… *looks around the room*

**Xigbar:** Hey there, kiddo!

**Roxas:** Um…

**Saïx:** She already left. Meet her there when you’re ready. This time we want you to focus on magic, because that somehow still counts as collecting hearts when you kill enemies with that instead, possibly because your magic’s still tied to the Keyblade maybe, it’s unclear.

**Roxas:** So I just inherently know how to set things on fire now, or…?

**Saïx:** Not necessarily. You gotta equip some using the new panel system specific to this game. It’s kind of like the license board from FFXII but less frustrating.

**Roxas:** Oh, okay then. *sets up with some fire spells and some of the Potions he’s picked up*

**Vexen:** Hee hee…Interesting…so much to inspect…To dissect…

**Roxas:** You just keep getting creepier and creepier, don’t you.

**Xigbar:** Get practicing so you can make yourself useful.

**Roxas:** YOU’RE NOT MY SUPERVISOR. *goes over to Saïx*

**Saïx:** Larxene’s waiting for you in Twilight Town again. *creates a Dark Corridor for Roxas*

**Roxas:** Thank _you!_ *goes through it*

**Larxene:** ‘Bout fucking time.

**Roxas:** Uhhh…

**Larxene:** Tch. Can’t believe they’re making me babysit you. Just because I’m the chick, I’m expected to be all nurturing and caring or whatever. Guess fucking what? Not every woman is programmed for motherhood, just like not every man is programmed for fatherhood, it’s just that we can’t run away as easily as men can, okay?!

**Roxas:** …I’m pretty sure most of the Organization has to help me through the tutorial level at some point, and Axel’s gonna be stuck with most of the babysitting anyway.

**Larxene:** …Damn it, don’t use logic on me, I’m trying to stay angry. But seriously, why isn’t Demyx doing this instead, he sucks at everything else so there must be _something_ he’s not terrible at!

**Roxas:** …

**Larxene:** So are you gonna, like, talk, or…?

**Roxas:** What’re those round things attached to your chest?

**Larxene:** They’re called breasts. You have them too, but they’re not as round or as sexualized as mine are.

**Roxas:** Huh. Do we have any other differences?

**Larxene:** I pee sitting down.

**Roxas:** That’s so weird…

**Larxene:** I just got an idea for the mission even though it’s exactly what Saïx already described to you!

**Roxas:** I have a bad feeling about this…

**Larxene:** We’re doing today’s mission without your Keyblade, magic only. Saïx said so, so nyah.

**Roxas:** So gimme the tutorial on how already.

_Dire Plant:_ *appears*

**Larxene:** Go on, kill it with fire. *actual dialogue* I’ll stand here and watch.

**Roxas:** We’re using a lot of actual dialogue from this game, aren’t we.

**Larxene:** It’s good writing, what do you want.

**Roxas:** This is true. *kills the Dire Plant with Fire*

_Bunch of Dire Plants and Yellow Operas:_ *appear*

**Larxene:** Okay, do the thing!

**Roxas:** With just magic?

**Larxene:** Nah, I want this over and done with. Try mixing it up a little. Oh, and I hope you brought your own Potions, ‘cause honestly I’m fresh out and I don’t know Cure.

**Roxas:** I got a few, yeah.

**Larxene:** Good, now hop to!

**Roxas:** Oooh, I can set up shortcuts later! *kills them all*

**Larxene:** Holy shit, good job, I think I have some dog treats around here I can give you.

**Roxas:** Well good—Hey! I’m beginning to get the feeling you don’t like me very much.

**Larxene:** Don’t take it personally, I hate everyone. Though if you’re really our Keyblade wielder and it’s taking you this long to learn the basics, I’m not too fond of our chances.

**Roxas:** There are a lot of game mechanics, what do you want from me?!

**Larxene:** For you to not suck at everything, of course! That’ll mean I can go back to going on real missions where I don’t have to deal with any of you shitlords!

**Roxas:** Would that make you a shitlady, then?

**Larxene:** Nah, doesn’t have the same ring to it, I prefer bitchlord. But seriously, you gotta start getting your act together or we’ll never finish our dumb moon project! Unless of course we find someone else to be the Keyblade wielder…Whether I’m foreshadowing Xion or my part in Chain of Memories isn’t particularly clear at the moment…

**Roxas:** There are others who could do my job?

**Larxene:** Yeah, but none of them work for us just yet, so until that day comes you just keep doing what you’re doing. Who knows? *actual dialogue* Maybe one day, you’ll be almost mediocre at it.

**Roxas:** WHY’S THE WRITING IN THIS GAME SO GOOD.

**Larxene:** It’s a pretty well-written game, it’s true. Now let’s just RTC already. You are like brain cancer. *pause* Mind cancer, not like brain tumor…You’re hurting my ideas.

**Roxas:** We’re not going back till I make you run around like a bitch.

**Larxene:** Oh fuck you.

**Roxas:** *eventually RTCs with her* SCAN PANEL HOLY SHIT I NEEDED THAT.

~Ability Panels best panels. How the fuck do panels work in-universe.~


	4. F Is For Friends Who Do Stuff Together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **HA, You Think I Have The Talent To Be Creative:** _Spongebob Squarepants, Game of Thrones,_ Super Best Friends Play, _Doctor Who, Monty Python's Life of Brian, Harry Potter_ , and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Not gonna lie, been running out of clever transitions for a while, the separation of days by stating the day and title is just so much easier.~

**Narration Roxas:** I’m still curious as to why I’m the only one who can wield a Keyblade. It seems the more I learn the less I actually know. I have a feeling that some of these guys are consciously holding out on me, but it’s not like I can confront them on it; they’re all way stronger than I am.

~Day 12: A Closed World~

**Vexen:** *greets Roxas right at the door* You’re mine today, Roxas!

**Roxas:** Seriously, you can make a conscious effort to not sound so horrible, it’s not hard!

**Vexen:** Whatever, just talk to Saïx when you’re ready for me.

**Roxas:** Aaaand there you go again.

**Vexen:** Hee hee…It appears my conclusions were, once again, flawless.

**Roxas:** I don’t want to know anything about your conclusions. *goes to talk to other people to prolong the inevitable*

**Demyx:** Man, why’s Larxene gotta be such a colossal bitch all the time?

**Larxene:** ‘Cause it’s fun and easy.

**Demyx:** Oh. Okay then.

**Larxene:** What do you want? I’m busy sitting here doing nothing. Go hit your head against the glass or something.

**Roxas:** All I can do is run in place against it.

**Larxene:** As long as you’re not bothering me.

**Saïx:** Enough, just do the mission already.

**Vexen:** *once they’re in Twilight Town* Okay, reconnaissance time!

**Roxas:** The hell is that? Also what about killing everything in sight?

**Vexen:** That’s all well and good, but we can’t kill everything with efficiency if we didn’t do some research beforehand. Thankfully, they chose the best man to accompany you for this mission. So look around and keep an eye out for weird shit, and don’t wander off until you’re done.

**Roxas:** THAT LOOKS LIKE A JEWELRY STORE.

**Vexen:** …Conglaturations, you possess functional eyeballs.

**Roxas:** YOU TOLD ME TO POINT OUT WHAT I SAW.

**Vexen:** _Weird_ shit, moron.

**Roxas:** Oh. How ‘bout this road-ish thing in the middle of the ground?

**Vexen:** What about it?

**Roxas:** …It’s like a road?

**Vexen:** So? Formulate an observation, don’t just state the obvious! Time for me to put you in your place, motherfucker! Even though you’ve been doing implicitly what I’ve been telling you to do!

**Roxas:** Exactly, I _have_ been formulating observations! Look, let me _observe_ something else! This is another fucking store! I don’t know what they sell, though.

**Vexen:** THEN FIGURE IT OUT. _Analyze_ something, for fuck’s sake!

**Roxas:** There are a lot of shops here?

**Vexen:** _And your fucking analysis of that is?!_

**Roxas:** That…this is the center of town?

**Vexen:** Is that a question or an actual fucking analysis?

**Roxas:** I DON’T KNOW, I’M LESS THAN TWO WEEKS OLD, CUT ME SOME FUCKING SLACK.

**Vexen:** I will not! Roxas, you’re not actually _seeing_ what you’re looking at. Here were _my_ observations when I first came to this world: This town was built along a mountain, which is why the roads slope so steeply. Houses were built along that slant, and at the very top of it is a train station, trains being the primary mode of transportation. That clock tower is the top of the building of the station.

**Roxas:** And none of that was stating the obvious?

**Vexen:** Well, based on the location, we know that the train tracks are probably elevated.

**Roxas:** Which you know because you’ve been coming here for a long time.

**Vexen:** Shut up. And all the shops are in one place, meaning that this is the center of commerce. Now, this road you pointed out before. Obviously there’s a trolley system also in place.

**Roxas:** Wow, that’s amazing!

**Vexen:** No it isn’t! I absolutely stated the obvious just now! I didn’t analyze anything at all! Now, the clothing and jewelry shops suggest that this town is concerned with current fashions of the time, which is why the kids you’ll hang out with in a year or so will never change their damn clothes.

**Roxas:** …I’m confused.

**Vexen:** Okay, note to self. Never send you on these types of missions again. But we’re still completing this one to the best of our ability, so deal with it. So…yeah, keep exploring, except stay on the path.

**Roxas:** That’s not exploring, though.

**Vexen:** Stop contradicting me!

**Roxas:** Can I at least kill these possessors we’re passing?

**Vexen:** Sure, just try to be discreet about it.

**Roxas:** *breaks a streetlight in the manga*

**Vexen:** I SAID BE DISCREET ABOUT IT!

**Townspeople:** What was that shouting?

**Vexen:** SHIT, RUN FURTHER DOWN THE PATH.

**Roxas:** …I think I might be better at this than you.

**Vexen:** YOU KNOW NOTHING, JON SNOW.

**Roxas:** I think this shuttered gate might be the entrance to the tunnels me and Axel were in for my first mission.

**Vexen:** What’s the number above the gate?

**Roxas:** Four?

**Vexen:** Which mean’s there are more than one of these gates.

**Roxas:** *runs further down the path* Why’s this door locked? Maybe I could unlock it with my giant key that can unlock anything—

**Vexen:** Roxas, _we are running a covert operation._ Please don’t actively seek out people. They will try to stop us because they lack our vision.

**Roxas:** Right, _that_ must be the reason.

**Vexen:** Well why would it be any other reason?

**Roxas:** Sure, fine, whatever…What’s with these giant stairs? Even though the layout is actually pretty simplistic, if one were exploring this town for the first time I could see how they’d be able to get lost.

**Vexen:** For fuck’s sake, you’re supposed to be creating a mental map of this place!

**Roxas:** But I already have one ingrained into my brain!

**Vexen:** …You have one too?

**Roxas:** YES!

**Vexen:** …Huh. Still, having a map can only do so much. Try to be aware of your surroundings as well.

**Roxas:** Oh. Well, it looks like the road we were following leads right into this building.

**Vexen:** So this building is for?

**Roxas:** …The trolleys?

**Vexen:** Well aren’t you just squirming with information today.

**Roxas:** And I guess that was the key to the cutscene.

**Vexen:** Right, then. What have you learned so far?

**Roxas:** That you’re a massive prick?

**Vexen:** Yes, but I meant about the town.

**Roxas:** Oh. Well, there was stuff for the trolley all over the place…

**Vexen:** Uh-huh…?

**Roxas:** …

**Vexen:** Oh I give up with you. Let’s just leave.

**Roxas:** …I want more time.

**Vexen:** Really? Well, I have all day. Go on, impress me. Just stop killing Purebloods.

**Roxas:** No, I want munny that I can’t buy anything with.

**Vexen:** …Okay, you have a couple brain cells after all.

**Roxas:** Oh, this place has the road end at the wall. This must be where all the trolleys are kept when they’re not circling around the plaza!

**Vexen:** FUCKING FINALLY. I AM THE BEST TEACHER IN THE UNIVERSE.

**Roxas:** …You’re really not. Oh, this space on the other side of town is empty of buildings or landmarks or anything for some reason.

**Vexen:** And what reason would that be?

**Roxas:** …It’s a sort of meeting place?

**Vexen:** I’ll accept that. And now at least you know how to figure things out, but in all honesty, you need to be able to figure these things out without taking five hours to think of them.

**Roxas:** I am literally twelve days old, dude.

**Vexen:** You need to do these things quickly, or you’ll risk being seen by the people who will never fucking see you ever. Now let’s head back. Any questions?

**Roxas:** Will I have to do many more of these types of missions?

**Vexen:** Probably. There are a lot of worlds to explore, you know.

**Roxas:** Crap baskets. Wait, there are more than just the two worlds I’ve been to?!

**Vexen:** …How did Axel not fill you in on this yet. But yeah, those worlds have even more Heartless for you to slaughter. So isn’t that enjoyable for you. *goes through the Dark Corridor with Roxas following behind him, geeking out that he learned how to Dodge Roll*

**Narration Roxas:** I always end up going to Twilight Town every day; I’m waiting for the day when I’ll be able to use my own Dark Corridor to travel to a different world.

~Day 13: Deeds to be Done~

**Saïx:** Roxas, you’ll be working with Lexaeus today.

**Roxas:** Good, I know I can at least understand that guy.

**Lexaeus:** I trust you’re ready?

**Roxas:** HOLY FUCK IT TALKS.

**Zexion:** Yes, what is it? Don’t waste my time with idle chatter.

**Roxas:** Nothing…What’re you reading now?

**Zexion:** Rereading _Fellowship of the Ring again._

**Roxas:** That’s some good shit.

**Zexion:** Indeed, I would like to return to it now.

**Roxas:** I’ll leave you alone then.

**Marluxia:** Numbers XIII and XIV…One’s a decent Final Fantasy game and the other went to complete shit the longer it was dragged on…You decide which is which…

**Roxas:** I don’t think I need to figure that out. *follows Lexaeus into Twilight Town* So, uh—

**Lexaeus:** We’re bringing Limit Breaks back into this bitch.

**Roxas:** HOLY FUCK THAT’S THE SICKEST SHIT IN THE WORLD. And that is a _giant_ Shadow…

**Lexaeus:** Yes it is. There’s a catch to Limit Breaks in this game, though. *backhands Roxas. Hard*

**Roxas:** Da dialogue imblies you broke by dose.

**Lexaeus:** Sorry, but I needed to apply this practically. Do _not_ take a Potion, instead attack the thingy.

**Roxas:** Okay. *unleashes his Limit Break on the Mega-Shadow*

**Lexaeus:** Good job.

**Roxas:** Fangs…

**Lexaeus:** *sighs* Look, you won’t always have a partner to help you on missions. When that happens, you won’t have anyone to count on. And I hate to speak ill of my colleagues, but many of them probably wouldn’t help you anyway even if they were there.

**Roxas:** Yeah, I doticed that wid Larxede.

**Lexaeus:** Don’t worry, I made sure not to do any permanent damage. You and that Keyblade are invaluable to us, after all. However, you will be put on risky missions, and they’ll just keep increasing in difficulty the more you push yourself through as the Organization expects more and more from you.

**Roxas:** And I have to kill them all if we’re gonna complete the game, right?

**Lexaeus:** Correctomundo! A word I have never used before and hopefully never will again. *sits him down and works on a ring puzzle with him in the manga in order to test his problem-solving skills, and Roxas actually does it faster than he can*

**Roxas:** …So what happens when the moon’s done, anyway? Will something happen to us or something?

**Lexaeus:** We will become one with it.

**Roxas:** …We’re gonna fuck the moon?

**Lexaeus:** More like absorb it. And then we will finally gain hearts of our own.

**Roxas:** …Couldn’t most of you just do that if you were destroyed, though? ‘Cause if your corresponding Heartless was also dead at that point, then you’d be able to return to being the person you were before that happened.

**Lexaeus:** Not as long as all the hearts are trapped in the moon, we won’t.

**Roxas:** But say something should happen—

**Lexaeus:** No, shut up, this is what we’re doing.

**Roxas:** I don’t understand. I don’t even know what a heart is. No one’s explained that part to me yet. Could you?

**Lexaeus:** …It’s not something you can really explain in words. You’ll understand when the time comes. And in the meantime, there are tasks that we’re relying on you to carry out.

**Roxas:** So I’m needed?

**Lexaeus:** Yes. Feels good, doesn’t it.

**Roxas:** They would if I was certain that we’re the good guys.

**Lexaeus:** We’re good people to ourselves. Or at least most of us try to be.

**Roxas:** That doesn’t really answer my question…

**Lexaeus:** It all depends on your point of view, but I admit to some feelings of doubt about our actions as well at times. Everyone except Vexen and Saïx has gotten those at one point or another. Now I think we should RTC.

**Roxas:** DUDE YOUR AXE IS HUGE.

**Lexaeus:** I KNOW, RIGHT?!

**Roxas:** …Did I just get some gear for a new Keyblade?

**Lexaeus:** It appears so. You should check that out tomorrow.

**Roxas:** I sure will!

**Narration Roxas:** There are some nice people in the Organization, but there are others who are much less so. Even though none of us have hearts, we are all individuals.

**Organization XIII:** Yes, we’re all individuals!

**Demyx:** I’m not!

**Organization XIII:** Shh!

**Narration Roxas:** Everyone’s working together to complete the moon project. I’m actually kind of enjoying the overall sense of camaraderie between us. I’m still not sure if we’re the good guys, but at least by fighting Heartless I know I’m doing _something_ right.

~I’m having the most trouble with the journal entries so far, that’s probably really apparent.~

The past few days, the other members gave been showing me how to fight and do mission stuff. The also told me more about the Organization, and about myself. The individual days themselves have been so mind-numbingly dull that I didn’t even bother to write anything in here.

I still don’t really get what this universe’s version of a “heart” is. But apparently, it’s a vital piece of who I am—so I’ve decided to cooperate. It’s not like I have anywhere else to go…not like I’ve tried, but I _am_ young and cute, I’m sure people would take pity on a little kid with amnesia. But these guys don’t seem evil so much as…standoffish, and that’s not exactly the same thing, so I’m going along with them for now until I find a reason not to. If I collect enough hearts, I can complete Kingdom Hearts. Then I’ll be whole. Which…hopefully no impressionable psychopaths read that and decided to take it literally or video games will be blamed for yet another violent slaughter. And won’t that just be delightful.

( _On Track_  
Xion is being monitored. Roxas, meanwhile, has begun his training exercises.

It is imperative we keep Xion from having undue contact with Roxas until we are certain it will perform as expected – which will take another ten days, if Vexen’s convictions are to be trusted. Which I don’t really trust him so who fucking knows at this point.

As for the Keyblade master, Marluxia will no doubt be keeping an eye on him. In CHAIN OF MEMORIES. Which we haven’t actually set everyone out on yet. Shut up.)

~Day 14: Friends~

**Roxas:** Man, I hope I get to work with someone tolerable today…

**Axel:** HELLO!

**Roxas:** OH THANK MERLIN.

**Axel:** As always, check in with Saïx when you have to. Not a clue what the mission is, but let’s make sure to make it awesome, okay?

**Roxas:** You got it!

**Axel:** Oh, and this is your first mission that’s not much in the way of a tutorial, by the way. I won’t be able to hold your hand as much this time. So you should definitely try upgrading that Keyblade of yours, see what comes out of it. Also, if you wanna replay missions or just level up, we got Holo-Missions all set up for ya. Because we apparently have that technology.

**Roxas:** What, like a Pensieve?

**Axel:** Not really, because you’re actually re-experiencing everything instead of just watching yourself, it’s pretty intense.

**Roxas:** Huh. Cool.

**Axel:** Oh and don’t forget to upgrade your Keyblade.

**Roxas:** OH RIGHT I WANTED TO UPGRADE MY KEYBLADE. *transforms it into Missing Ache* …Well that’s a downer of a name.

**Larxene:** What are you looking at?

**Roxas:** So were you ever gonna tell me the other differences between men and women, or…?

**Larxene:** …Oh, dream on. It’s not gonna happen, pipsqueak.

**Roxas:** Wait, I’m confused, _what’s_ not gonna happen?

**Larxene:** Here, take this and fuck off. *gives Roxas Potion*

**Roxas:** Okay, now I’m getting mixed signals here.

**Larxene:** I _said_ fuck off, you’re blocking my light even though there’s no real clear light source in this place.

**Marluxia:** Your task is clear. Strike down the Heartless and collect hearts.

**Roxas:** You mean like we’ve established over and over is my main goal in life?

**Marluxia:** Now you’re catching on!

**Demyx:** You ever get the urge to just do something stupid…and AWESOME?

**Roxas:** I _have_ been thinking about getting _Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance…_

**Demyx:** Wait, wait…I’m getting an idea…

**Roxas:** What, we gonna rent _Lollipop Chainsaw,_ I still haven’t played that one and I am still curious—

**Demyx:** Nope, it’s gone.

**Roxas:** …You seem a bit spacey.

**Demyx:** You shouldn’t inhale whilst braying like a donkey.

**Roxas:** …Riiiiight… *backs away slowly*

**Saïx:** Today’s your first true mission. You get a new menu and everything.

**Roxas:** Cool. So team up with Axel and murder things? Sounds doable.

**Axel:** *takes him to Twilight Town* Together again, huh?

**Roxas:** Yup.

**Axel:** …

**Roxas:** …

**Axel:** So now that we’ve established that we’re both awkward, wanna complete the mission?

**Roxas:** Sure.

**Axel:** …Why’re we killing Shadows.

**Roxas:** Munny and experience.

**Axel:** Okay, sounds fair.

**Roxas:** This is the first time I’ve explored this much of the town.

**Axel:** They still kept you pretty isolated, huh?

**Roxas:** Yeah…Why did invisible walls just pop up?

**Axel:** I actually don’t know. But I’ll take out the Possessors while you kill the Yellow Operas, okay?

**Roxas:** Who _named_ these things, anyway?

**Axel:** We have some kind of database for them, I don’t know how the names work.

**Roxas:** Well at least the invisible walls went down when we were done…These Scarlet Tangos look way tougher.

**Axel:** They probably are.

**Roxas:** *manages to kill everything anyway* Okay, I know we filled the quota but I wanna kill a few more things.

**Axel:** Fine by me, bud.

**Roxas:** …Why does this Heartless look like a gumball machine?

**Axel:** I try not to wonder too hard. So, before we RTC, you doing anything after we’re done?

**Roxas:** Write my report for Saïx and then sleep.

**Axel:** And that’s it?! Oh Roxas, Roxas—

**Roxas:** I have a _last name?!_

**Nostalgia Critic:** Don’t start with me!

**Axel:** No. No you do not.

**Hayner:** *runs close to them* Come on, Pence!

**Pence:** Why’re you picking on me, Olette was just as slow as I was!

**Hayner:** Because the last one there has to buy the ice cream, and I know you’re strapped for cash right now!

**Pence:** It was the _Attack on Titan_ basement key, what did you expect me to do?!

**Olette:** Not get the Scout Regiment hat as well?

**Pence:** Now you’re just being silly.

**Hayner:** Let’s get moving already! *runs off with the other two hot on his heels*

**Roxas:** Who were they?

**Axel:** Probably just some kids who live here.

**Roxas:** So why didn’t we hide from them?

**Axel:** Oh don’t put too much stock into anything Vexen tells you, no one really pays us much attention unless we _really_ don’t look like we belong. Around here is usually fine.

**Roxas:** So does everyone act that way?

**Axel:** What do you mean?

**Roxas:** Running around, teasing each other’s running speeds, being nice about money while also making fun of dumb purchases…

**Axel:** People with hearts do that kind of thing all the time it seems, yeah. Come on, let’s ditch this alley and get some ice cream!

**Roxas:** Why?

**Axel:** What, you don’t want any?

**Roxas:** No, I do, but why’re you being so nice to me all the time like this?

**Axel:** We’re friends, aren’t we?

**Roxas:** …What’s a friend?

**Axel:** People who eat ice cream together.

**Roxas:** Oh, okay. I’m sure I won’t have any kind of tearjerking or heart wrenching moment caused by this line in any way down the line.

**Axel:** I am sure of this as well. But friends also talk about stupid bullshit, insult each other without any real venom behind said insults, and generally give each other the warm fuzzies. C’mon, let’s see if we can make it to the top of the clock tower with our ice cream before those kids we just saw have even had any.

**Roxas:** Okay… *after they’re up on the clock tower* …No, it sounds like they did, but then they fucked up.

**Axel:** Oh yeah?

**Pence:** I didn’t drop it, you dropped it!

**Hayner:** You’re the one who knocked it out of my hand!

**Olette:** Both of you are shits.

**Roxas:** Huh. *goes to take another bite of ice cream*

**Axel:** What’s say we do this tomorrow after we’re both done with our missions as well? It would just be boring if we both headed back to the castle without doing anything else, right?

**Roxas:** …I think I know what you mean about those warm fuzzies.

**Axel:** You sure catch on quick!

**Roxas:** Thanks.

~A lot of this is too heartwarming to make fun of too harshly, I’m such a fucking sap.~

Me and Axel went on a mission to Twilight Town. Again. We never go anywhere else, it seems. Afterwards, we went and had ice cream again up on the clock tower.

He said friends do stuff like that. Or they laugh together. So does that mean me and him are friends? I don’t think we’ve insulted each other much yet, I’ll have to think of something creative…

( _This Kid?_  
Another mission with Roxas today. Is he seriously my responsibility? Staring at him’s really making me feel uncomfortable. At least he’s starting to talk like a normal person. Maybe that means his memory’s coming back.

Still, this kid’s supposed to be the Keyblade master’s Nobody? I don’t see it. Now if he was that kid I met ten years ago’s Nobody, that I’d understand. Hey, that guy was tossing around something that looked like a Keyblade too, now that I think of it, hmm…)


	5. One Ellipsis To Rule Them All

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Hey Wow, I Didn't Steal As Much From Everything This Time:** _Lord of the Rings, Resident Evil,_ Super Best Friends Play, _Dragonball Z, Firefly,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Day 15: Missions~

**Roxas:** So Block will take up two panels…I’m not sure if I want it, Block was rarely used in other games anyway except for special cases like the Ice Titan in KHI…Meh, I’ll equip it for now and remove it if I need an extra blank space or something.

**Larxene:** Is it true you’re almost semi-competent now? Maybe we should’ve let you in on…Nothing.

**Roxas:** You make no sense.

**Zexion:** Your work has been improving by leaps and bounds. Here. I believe you deserve this. *gives Roxas Panacea* I hope you continue to not suck.

**Roxas:** Thank you for the free thing.

**Marluxia:** Number XIII…Roxas. Here, take this. Make use of it as you see fit. *obtained Ether*

**Roxas:** …There’s kind of only one way to use Ethers considering I can’t synthesize yet…

**Marluxia:** If only we’d met sooner, Roxas…You would have made a fine pawn—Addition! I mean addition…Which doesn’t sound any less ominous now that I think about it, hmm…

**Luxord:** We all need a little break every now and again.

**Roxas:** I don’t think I do, I like keeping busy.

**Xion:** ELLIPSIS.

**Roxas:** Holy crap, I think I’m in love.

**Saïx:** Roxas, here’s a bunch of missions that won’t have much of a story after them. The mandatory ones will, but you frankly don’t have to do the rest. I mean, we’d _appreciate_ it, but it’s up to you. You can also do them in whatever order you feel like it.

**Roxas:** Okay…Looks like the mandatory one’s with Larxene, huh? Yeeeeaaaaah, let’s try an optional one first. *goes to prove his endurance somewhere in the castle so he doesn’t have to go that far* Survive for a whole minute? Sure, why not.

**Dusks:** We have been tasked with dying by your hand now apparently.

**Roxas:** Interesting. You guys kind of do a shit job of helping out around here anyway.

**Dusks:** Well fuck you too.

**Roxas:** *while slaughtering them* I do wish they’d kept in the cut story of how I have control over the Samurai Nobodies…But story cuts are story cuts, I guess. *beats it easily and heads over to Twilight Town*

**Axel:** *is already at the clock tower, eating ice cream…OMINOUSLY*

**Roxas:** *comes over and sits next to him*

**Axel:** How’s work? Goin’ okay?

**Roxas:** Yeah, can’t complain.

**Axel:** That’s good.

**Roxas:** …

**Axel:** …

**Roxas:** …Can I have some ice cream?

**Axel:** No. Piss off.

**Roxas:** Well you suck.

~Day 16~

**Roxas:** WHY IS EVERYONE SAYING THE SAME THING TODAY.

**Luxord:** I’m not! I’m wondering what’ll happen when half the poker league’s gone!

**Roxas:** Why, are people going somewhere?

**Luxord:** …No?

**Roxas:** … *starts mission in Twilight Town with Marluxia* There’s nothing but Shadows and chests here…Holy crap, we can actually go through that hole in the wall? I’ve been wondering what’s back here for days!

**Marluxia:** I know, we all rarely come back here to this forest area, even though it would probably be in our best interest to keep an eye on this area in the coming days. I’ll have to put in a word when I get back from that long-term mission I’m preparing for.

**Roxas:** Am I holding you up?

**Marluxia:** Not really, it’s always good to keep in practice. Oh look, some Dire plants in front of the gate to the mansion.

**Roxas:** WHAT A MANSION.

**Marluxia:** Why does that never get old, I’m waiting for that to get old. Hey, you know about blocking the Dire Plant’s seeds, right? Oh, you’re just going to destroy them outright? Okay, I guess that works too…Well, ready to head back?

**Roxas:** Maybe after we handle that Zip Slasher.

**Marluxia:** …I don’t think you’re strong enough to handle that thing just yet, frankly.

**Roxas:** Don’t worry, I have a cunning plan. *leads the way back into town* Boy, sure glad we cleared out all those Shadows before!

**Zip Slasher:** *was hiding in the tram yard*

**Roxas:** *hacks at it for a bit then hides behind Marluxia*

**Marluxia:** Dude, what gives?!

**Roxas:** We both know you’re a better stronger fighter, and as long as I make the finishing blow everything should work out, right?

**Marluxia:** …Okay, your logic is pretty sound. I don’t like it when your logic is sound.

**Roxas:** Other than that I say we just dodge a lot. Is this its final form?

**Marluxia:** It actually kind of is, it just spins around and lunges and then stands around and guards, where you can get in all the hits you want, it’s nuts.

**Roxas:** I love how, in the still from the movie version of this, we’re both surrounded by like five of these things.

**Marluxia:** I think they’re overestimating even my abilities on that one.

**Roxas:** YAY WE DEFEATED IT.

**Marluxia:** That is good to hear. _Now_ can we go back, I still have to pack.

**Roxas:** Oh, uh, sure, you go ahead, I’m meeting Axel.

**Marluxia:** Oh, good for you two.

**Roxas:** …Thanks? *goes up to the clock tower where Axel actually has ice cream for him this time, and they eat it together while staring at the sky, Axel’s hand uncomfortably near Roxas’s ass*

~Day 17~

**Roxas:** No new dialogue again, huh? M’kay. *starts the mandatory mission with Larxene*

**Larxene:** Let’s just not talk while we kill these Watchers.

**Roxas:** I’m down. Oh _fuck_ these invisible walls…

**Larxene:** Just shut up and kill shit.

**Roxas:** I can’t, I have a new status effect I’ve never seen before that prevents me from jumping.

**Larxene:** So shoot fire at them?!

**Roxas:** Oh yeah. *sets everything on fire* Maybe they should’ve paid attention to whether or not they were on fire.

**Larxene:** I like missions that’re simple like this. I’m fucking off to the castle.

**Roxas:** I’m gonna stick around.

**Larxene:** Whatever. *leaves*

**Roxas:** *heads up to eat ice cream with Axel again, occasionally pausing to stare into each others’ eyes*

~…Okay, I can sort of see where the shippers are coming from now I guess…~

The other members have been teaching me more about how to fight and stuff. It’s going, I guess.

Every day after work, I’ve been meeting Axel at the clock tower to have sea-salt ice cream. I’m really starting to get sick of that crap, but I’ll still eat it. It really is salty! But still sweet, too. How come it tastes so familiar?

( _How Dare They_

Ugh! How DARE they shut me out of monitoring the Keyblade master! Which apparently we can just _do_ now when the fuck ever. And then to send me off to teach that half-baked Nobody basic magic!? He’s not gonna learn any Thunder magic until who knows when, why couldn’t they have Axel teach him Fire stuff?!

I should’ve had him light ME on fire. It looked like he was thinking about it too, I should’ve encouraged it.

It won’t be long now, though. Once I’m over at C.O., our plan goes into action. No more playing nanny. Ever. Mainly because I’ll be dead. Can’t wait.)

~Day 22: Left Behind~

**Roxas:** Hookay, what do we got now?

**Luxord:** *still bitching about the poker league as he has been for the past three days*

**Roxas:** Jesus, let it _go._

**Luxord:** But I can’t hold it back anymore!

**Roxas:** Just turn the way and slam that door!

**Luxord:** But I don’t care what they’re going to say!

**Roxas:** Let the storm rage on.

**Luxord:** …The cold never bothered me anyway…

**Xaldin:** Just go about your mission. Nothing else need concern you.

**Roxas:** Luxord is concerning me.

**Xaldin:** I got it, don’t worry.

**Axel:** *is leaning against the wall like a badass* Hey, Roxas. You and me are teamed up today. Get hype, son.

**Roxas:** I’m super hyped, you don’t even know.

**Xigbar:** It’s nice in here with the loudmouths gone.

**Luxord:** *shouts over* Hey, Thirteen? How are you at poker?!

**Xigbar:** *shouts back* Leave him alone, he’ll be eaten alive!

**Roxas:** I don’t really see much of a difference, actually…

**Saïx:** Today’s mission is mandatory, otherwise you probably wouldn’t be able to hang out with Axel.

**Roxas:** I’m fine with that! *follows Axel into the Dark Corridor*

**Axel:** All right, let’s do this shit! What was today’s target again? A Guardian?

**Roxas:** I’m surprised you didn’t have it memorized.

**Axel:** Oh fuck off.

**Roxas:** How shall I fuck off, O Lord?

**Axel:** Shut it, you loud-ass zombie creepaziod. Now we doing this or do I get to have all the fun around here? I know we have to go through the tunnels for this one…

**Roxas:** Mind if we kill some Heartless in the meantime? There are a lot of Emblems around here.

**Axel:** Sure, I could use the workout.

**Roxas:** Why’re these gates still closed off in the tunnels?

**Axel:** Probably just to fuck with you.

**Roxas:** Well they’re doing a good job, I suck at puzzles. These Minute Bombs suck, by the way.

**Axel:** What’re you talking about, those explosions are fun!

**Roxas:** Not when they’re in my face, and I’m not the Human Torch!

**Axel:** Well neither am I!

**Roxas:** You’re healed by all fire attacks in CoM!

**Axel:** Oh yeah, nearly forgot…That kid’s gonna have to change his whole deck if he expects to beat me, I’m such a pain in the ass! Oh, and it’s past this gate I guess.

**Roxas:** Sweet.

**Axel:** I know what you’re thinking, “Shut up, Axel.” You shut up, though. Guy telling me to shut up.

**Roxas:** Invisible man.

**Axel:** Man I sound insane.

**Roxas:** You sounded a little insane there.

**Axel:** I sound a little nuts.

**Roxas:** I was gonna mention something but I was afraid of you going insane.

**Axel:** Oh no.

**Roxas:** Aaand down the alley—Man, fuck these Minute Bombs and Watchers!

**Axel:** They are annoying. Oh, the Guardian’s just a bigger Watcher with a pallet swap. Kind of a let down…

**Roxas:** I don’t know why I was expecting a Defender…

**Axel:** In Twilight Town?

**Roxas:** Good point.

**Axel:** So yeah, let’s kill it. *summons chakrams that he put away for cutscenes for some reason* And keep your mind on the mission, got it?

**Roxas:** Yep! *summons Keyblade* Where do our weapons go when we’re not using them, anyway?

**Axel:** I—Hmm…

**Roxas:** Okay, I wanna finish this guy off with my Limit Break, so don’t throw me any Potions—

**Axel:** Throw you a Potion? Sure, here you go!

**Roxas:** DAMMIT AXEL.

**Axel:** What, it’s dead now anyway!

**Roxas:** …I wanted to be a cool guy.

**Axel:** You still are, I’m still very impressed. Wanna go for some ice cream?

**Roxas:** I sure do!

**Axel:** *once they’re up there with said ice cream* I’m gonna miss hanging out with you, buddy.

**Roxas:** …Are you breaking up with me?

**Axel:** No, never, it’s just that I was assigned to a different location. It’s pretty long term, and I’m afraid I don’t know when I’ll be back. I’m leaving tomorrow.

**Roxas:** Oh, I’m sad now.

**Axel:** It’s supposed to be classified, but you’re my friend and I trust you, so here it is. Me, Marluxia, Larxene, Vexen, Lexaeus, and Zexion are all going to a place called Castle Oblivion.

**Roxas:** Is that why Luxord’s been complaining?

**Axel:** Right you are. The Organization’s got a second castle that we kind of just took over once we found that particular world, and half of us are going. I think Marluxia’s been chosen as team leader, too, which makes sense, he’s got a second form and most of the rest of us don’t. Hell, that second one might not even be his final form! Got the name of the castle memorized?

**Roxas:** Yeah, I just wish someone told me these things…

**Axel:** …You mean like I just did?

**Roxas:** I mean before you left _tomorrow._

**Axel:** I know. And I’m sorry, but I have some last minute packing to do, so…

**Roxas:** Right…See you when you get back?

**Axel:** Sure thing, kid. *leaves, taking his ice cream with him*

**Roxas:** … *looks sadly at his finished popsicle stick, which he notices has the word WINNER on it with a crown at the top* …The fuck is this shit.

~Meanwhile, in the manga version…~

**Axel:** *has finished his ice cream but still has the stick in his mouth as he takes a Dark Corridor back to the castle*

**Saïx:** Good, you’re finally deigned to show up.

**Axel:** Jealous, are we?

**Saïx:** I don’t know what that means. I have a secondary mission for you from Lord Xemnas.

**Axel:** You’re gonna stick me with an icky job, aren’t you.

**Saïx:** *puts a hand on Axel’s shoulder* Do you consider the execution of traitors to be “icky”?

**Axel:** Hmm. Guess not.

**Saïx:** Then this shouldn’t be a problem for you, should it.

**Axel:** Maybe. Especially since I’m sure that Lord Xemnas is really the one who’s giving this order through you, am I right?

**Saïx:** … *walks off*

**Axel:** Man, some people. *takes popsicle stick out of his mouth* Hey cool, a winner stick! Gotta remember to tell Roxas about this later…

~That would’ve been interesting if they both actually remembered that they had WINNER sticks, and if Xion got one too.~

Axel is going to some place called Castle Oblivion. He told me because we’re friends. I really hope he doesn’t get in trouble for spewing classified information, but considering everyone else knows fuck it, I don’t care, I’m still pissed that I was the last to know.

He had to go home early to get ready, and after he left I noticed the word WINNER on my ice cream stick. I wonder what I won…I’ll ask him when I don’t see him tomorrow.

( _Castle Oblivion_

They pushed up the C.O. plan. Our little hero with the key must’ve finished the first game’s events by now.

Me and his Nobody have been meeting up for ice cream the last few days. Not the best conversationalist, but at least he’s actually starting to emote. I consider that a personal triumph.

I told him about C.O., but he didn’t seem to follow. I guess that’s understandable, him still being less than a month old and all. He’s like a tiny babby.)

~I know that that meeting took place in the movie version on Day 23: Silent Companion, but I wanted to include the winner stick.~

**Roxas:** Axel, did you leave yet?

**Xion:** I think me and Demyx are the only ones in here.

**Roxas:** Oh…

**Saïx:** Axel and the others fucked off already.

**Roxas:** Oh, I wanted to ask him about my stick…

**Saïx:** I don’t even want to know. *whacks Demyx with his clipboard as he passes him to make him stop playing* Roxas, starting today you’ll be working alongside Xion. Make sure to pay closer attention to the details I’ve laid out for you in the mission briefs so you have less chance of fucking up horribly, and so you can better equip your panels for maximum damage.

**Roxas:** Oh no, there’s a plant we have to kill, if only I had Fire magic as my only spell and recently learned how to double cast…Oh yeah, what does this Loaded Gear do, anyway? *turns Missing Ache into Pain of Solitude* …Don’t know if I’m too big a fan of these names…

**Demyx:** *has sitar* I found this lying around, but what am I gonna do with it, amirite? It’s not like I ever need to synthesize fire crap, I’m a water bender, biatch! *gives Roxas Blazing Shard*

**Roxas:** Oh for the love of—Enough with the damn Blazing Shards already!

**Demyx:** Wonder what it’s like there, anyway. I’ve never been.

**Roxas:** …I’m assuming you mean Castle Oblivion? I have no idea.

**Demyx:** Isn’t there, like, a version of you or something trapped in a hidden room in there?

**Roxas:** Pfft, I don’t fucking know.

**Xion:** ELLIPSIS.

**Roxas:** I LOVE YOU.

**Saïx:** Since this is the first time we’re pairing you up together…Roxas, you’re in charge. I’m positive that I’m not making a tremendous mistake by doing this.

**Roxas:** I loathe you too. *turns to Xion* Y’all ready for this?

**Xion:** ELLIPSIS.

**Roxas:** I’ll take that as a yes. *leads the way down the dark corridor to Twilight Town once again* Getting pretty sick of this world since I found out there were more than just these two…Ready, Xion?

**Xion:** ELLIPSIS.

**Roxas:** Good for you. Arg, fucking Minute Bombs!

**Xion:** ELLIPSIS.

**Roxas:** …You’re completely useless right now, aren’t you.

**Xion:** ELLIPSIS.

**Roxas:** Sheesh, at least in the manga you helped out with magic. Wait, did a heart just get sent up when that Minute Bomb used Self Destruct? WHY AM I EVEN FIGHTING WITH THE KEYBLADE THEN.

**Xion:** ELLIPSIS.

**Roxas:** There’s no helping you, is there. So…yeah, it looks like the Poison Plant is in the tunnels. You coming?

**Xion:** ELLIPSIS.

**Roxas:** At least you still jump when I jump. Which is still weird.

**Xion:** ELLIPSIS.

**Roxas:** Yes, Xion, the Poison Plant is just a giant Dire Plant with a pallet swap! And now I’m going to teach you how to KILL IT WITH FIRE! *kills it with Fire*

**Xion:** ELLIPSIS.

**Roxas:** And now I’m going to teach you about backtracking.

**Xion:** ELLIPSIS.

**Roxas:** It is annoying, yes.

**Xion:** ELLIPSIS.

**Roxas:** I don’t know why there are more Dire Plants around the Dark Corridor, you’re right, that is dumb. *kills them all* You wanna leave now or you wanna stick around, ‘cause I’m gonna stick around.

**Xion:** ELLIPSIS. *RTCs*

**Roxas:** Well that was fun. *buys ice cream and goes up to the clock tower alone* …I know me and Axel didn’t always talk when we did this, but I still miss that guy. *nibbles on ice cream* Oooh, Sign of Resolve! I think this might me my first accessory!

~Wow, writing for Xion’s easier than I thought it’d be! XD~

Axel left before I woke up this morning, the prick. I never got to ask him about the ice cream stick. Also I never got a chance to wish him luck or something. I don’t know why but that really aggravates me. I was partnered up with No. XIV for today’s mission. Xion wore a hood the whole time and wouldn’t say a word to me. Which makes her more likeable than Larxene but I still found it irksome. Come to think of it, I didn’t have a whole lot to say, either. Wonder if this was what I was like back when I was less than a week old or something.

Afterwards I went and had ice cream by myself. I miss Axel already.

( _Research Entry 326_

The Program is largely on target. No. i, my first Replica, has proven an even greater success than anticipated. Now if only I could get the others to stop giving me weird looks for creating a female replica…

I intend to take the other vessel – judged unfit for member status for some reason that they don’t feel fit to tell me which really fucking pisses me off — to Castle Oblivion, where I will subject it to further testing.

One thing is clear: could these Replicas not be classified as a special sort of Nobody? Which isn’t clear at all, frankly. Actually, _could_ they? We were both born from unconventional means, we don’t have a proper existence, neither of us have hearts…Hmm…Oh yeah, one was grown in a freakin’ test tube while the other has a clear process of how it was created. Usually. Roxas and Naminé are weird, I keep forgetting.

~Day 24: Silence Broken~

**Roxas:** *walks into the main area*

**Demyx:** *without his sitar for once* This place is so much nicer without all those annoying assholes.

**Roxas:** Hello, Pot, my name is Kettle. You’re black.

**Demyx:** Well I was mainly talking about Axel anyway.

**Roxas:** And fuck you too!

**Xigbar:** It sure is a shame you and Poppet over there didn’t spend more quality time with the cannon fodder before we shipped them off to be slaughtered.

**Roxas:** I’m gonna ignore the important parts of that comment and just focus on what the fuck you’re saying when you mentioned “Poppet.”

**Xigbar:** I like giving people I can stand dumb nicknames. Xion I call Poppet, and you I call Kiddo.

**Roxas:** … *head tilt* Okay…?

**Saïx:** Roxas, get to work. *walks away without telling Roxas what the work actually is. LIKE A BOSS*

**Xigbar:** We sent a total of six members over to Castle Oblivion. That’s about half our number. Which totals fourteen. I can’t do math.

**Demyx:** I love days when Larxene is out. I can sit around playing sitar…instead of gopher!

**Roxas:** No one ever knows what you’re talking about.

**Luxord:** No use fretting the absence of others. They simply lose this round by no-show.

**Roxas:** …You’ve been bitching for the past week on how you have no one to play poker with anymore.

**Luxord:** Quiet, you.

**Xion:** ELLIPSIS!

**Roxas:** I know, right?!

**Saïx:** Shut up and kill some deserters already.

**Roxas:** You’re the boss, boss! *leads Xion into Twilight Town* Oh, they’re just fast, green Soldiers. This shouldn’t be too—OW MY FLESH!

**Xion:** ELLIPSIS.

**Roxas:** As always, you’ve been a huge help!

**Xion:** *actually sends out a couple of spells this time, and has also learned to Dodge Roll*

**Roxas:** …All right, making some progress I see… *still has to defeat the brunt of them by himself* Okay, that’s all of them. So…I’m gonna go off and do my own thing again, so you go ahead and RTC without me, okay? You know the way, right? *starts to leave*

**Xion:** …R…Roxas…

**Roxas:** *stops dead in his tracks* …Did you just say your first word?

**Xion:** Roxas…That’s your name?

**Roxas:** Y-Yeah! Wow, that’s amazing, Xion!

**Xion:** Cool, I leave now.

**Roxas:** Fine by me, I’m too busy having a flashback anyway.

**Xemnas:** *waves his hand in front of him and Sora’s name appears in transparent, floating letters* You feel nothing. Nothing is real.

**Roxas:** Nothing is true, everything is permitted?

**Xemnas:** …Sure, why not. Whatever gives you purpose so you can carry out my dirty work.

**Roxas:** M’kay.

**Xemnas:** *makes the floating letters spin around Roxas for a while until, when they stop, they’re mixed up and an X has been added*

**Roxas:** *stares at his new name* …I am the Key of Destiny, awakened in the flickering light of dusk. How do I know this.

**Xemnas:** I’m not entirely sure.

**Roxas:** *is done flashbacking as he takes a big bite of ice cream* Her first word was my name! I somehow feel so honored!

~…I keep writing about ice cream. I now want ice cream.~

I teamed up with No. XIV again today. We finally talked a little – Xion even said my name for the first time. As far as I know, that’s her first word, too. I feel like I’ve just witnessed a baby say Dada for the first time! And the dada was ME! XD

Afterwards I had ice cream by myself again. The lady at the shop said you can trade the WINNER stick for an extra bar. But I can’t eat more than one. I’m watching my weight. I shouldn’t even be having the one, but they’re fairly low on calories, I just have to worry about the sugar intake.

( _The Upper Floors_  
Marluxia has succeeded in leading the Keyblade master to the castle.

I…believe I’m Zexion who’s writing this, but to be honest I have no idea. But I sense multiple threads at work, but details on each of the projects are scarce. I suspect some alleged Organization projects are secretly private machinations.

Marluxia seems especially suspect. He’s been acting weirder than Vexen lately. Things I’d never thought I’d say…write…whatever…)


	6. The Moogle That Never Was, Kupo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **I Am Incapable Of Owning Any Of The Things:** _The Hobbit, Pokémon,_ Super Best Friends Play, _Kung Pow: Enter the Fist, Monty Python’s Holy Grail, Sherlock, How To Train Your Dragon,_ None Piece, _Silent Hill 2,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Day 25: Two Keys~

**Roxas:** *waves cheerfully* Good morning, Xion!

**Xion:** What do you mean? Do you mean to wish me a good morning, or do you mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not?

**Roxas:** Uhhh…

**Xion:** Or perhaps you mean to say that you feel good on this particular morning. Or are you simply stating that this is a morning to be good on?

**Roxas:** …All of them at once, I suppose…

**Xion:** Oh. Good morning, then.

**Saïx:** Well that happened. Anyway, a Darkside showed up in Twilight Town. You guys may want to go do the thing.

**Roxas:** I’ll get right on it. Now do I wanna equip Skill Gear +…No I do not, Loaded Gear has _way_ better stats, I’m keeping my Keyblade as is!

**Xion:** You’re…floating. As is Saïx.

**Roxas:** We’re not really floating, some parts of the floor are just glass panels that give the illusion that we’re floating.

**Xion:** …Oh. So we going or what?

**Roxas:** Gimme a sec to talk to people and we’re gone.

**Xion:** M’kay.

**Xaldin:** Take this. Let it fuel more hard work. *gives ROXAS Moonstone. What? ROXAS is evolving! ROXAS evolved into CLEFABLE!* …Did not expect that, but okay. Haaaah, this place is refreshingly quiet with Demyx gone.

**Roxas:** Clefable, Clefable!

**Xaldin:** Stop that.

**Roxas:** Clefable?

**Xaldin:** I’m gonna punch you.

**Roxas:** Nyang.

**Saïx:** I want you two to win so badly that I’m opening up more slots on the License Board— _Panel_ …thingy, meant that. We only do that if you’re efficient workers, though; why make things easier when we don’t want you to die, after all.

**Roxas:** Your rewards system makes no sense.

**Saïx:** Just do the thing.

**Roxas:** On it! *takes Xion down to Twilight Town again*

**Xion:** Roxas?

**Roxas:** Yeah?

**Xion:** *takes off her hood, revealing short black hair and the same eyes as Roxas* Don’t fuck up today.

**Roxas:** Huh. Same to you. Okay, I’m kind of a completionist, plus I’m all about leveling up and stuff, so do you mind if we kill some Heartless and grab some chests and stuff?

**Xion:** …You mean treasure chests, right?

**Roxas:** Yeah, what did you think I meant?

**Xion:** Never mind, whatever you want to do.

**Roxas:** Okay.

**Xion:** *actually consistently casts magic at the Heartless for once*

**Roxas:** You really are getting better at everything.

**Darkside:** Turn around, you idiots. *rises from the ground in front of the station*

**Roxas:** Oh hey. *summons Keyblade*

**Xion:** Should we kill that thing? I think we should kill that thing.

**Roxas:** We should kill that thing. Attack the wrists for some reason, those are its weak point, unless you can cast magic at its face!

**Xion:** Roger that! *they both whittle away at its health until it is depleted*

**Darkside:** I wash my hands of this weirdness. *aims a punch at Roxas*

**Roxas:** Damn you, plot convenience! *loses grip on the Keyblade, which vanishes*

**Xion:** *is now holding a Keyblade* …OKAY THEN. *deals the killing blow*

**Roxas:** …So that was FUCKING AWESOME. I didn’t know you could use the Keyblade!

**Xion:** ME NEITHER! A-HYUK!

**Roxas and Xion:** *guffaw and have a lovely chortle-fest*

**Roxas:** That’s it, you’re getting the icing on the cake.

**Xion:** The what now?

**Roxas:** It’s something that actually has nothing to do with cake. Wanna see?

**Xion:** I don’t know…

**Roxas:** I implore you to reconsider.

**Xion:** Hmm…OKAY. *follows him up to the top of the clock tower* Wow, this view’s fucking gorgeous…How’d you find it? It’s not like we can get up here during regular gameplay…

**Roxas:** I’ll answer you in a minute, first have a popsicle.

**Xion:** …What the hell is this.

**Roxas:** Sea-salt ice cream.

**Xion:** Where’d you guys get the munny to pay for this?

**Roxas:** Oh, Heartless drop some all the time.

**Xion:** …Why.

**Roxas:** …I don’t know. Try it, see if you like it.

**Xion:** *takes a bite* …It’s sweet…and salty.

**Roxas:** That’s like the reverse of what I said. Way to notice the sweet part first, that’s how you know it’s good! Me and Axel — he’s the one who showed me this place — we try and meet up everyday after work, and we’d just eat ice cream, stare at the sunset, and throw fodder to the slashers. *takes bite* This flavor is Axel’s favorite, because I can’t remember him actually being grossed out by it on my first day of existence. That might be the truth now, though, since he never thought to switch it up.

**Xion:** Is it your favorite flavor as well or is it the only one you’ve ever had?

**Roxas:** …It’s kind of the only one I’ve ever had, but I still really like it. It’s kind of like it’s a physical representation of our friendship, since Axel got me this on my first day of existence and after my first mission as well. He’s the one who referred to it as the “icing on the cake.”

**Xion:** And you’re copying him now?

**Roxas:** Well yeah. He’s a nice guy, I wanna be a nice guy…

**Xion:** I ship it.

**Roxas:** I prefer to only think of us as friends, but whatever floats your boat.

**Xion:** …Do you think that I could be a friend? Or maybe join you guys in a threesome?

**Roxas:** …I don’t think I’m ready for that kind of stuff yet.

**Xion:** I shall back down immediately.

**Roxas:** How ‘bout this: When Axel gets back, we’ll all have ice cream together and talk about what we’re comfortable doing together.

**Xion:** Sounds fair.

**Roxas:** …By the way, those tiny, pointy shoes look painful.

**Xion:** You have _no_ fucking idea…Oh hey, looks like you learned Blizzard magic!

**Roxas:** Fuckin’ sweet.

~I hardly ever use magic, I prefer to hit things.~

Today was my third day with Xion. I’ve gotten to know a little more about her. That’s right—I had no idea that having larger breasts generally meant that the person they’re attached to was biologically female! But now I know, and knowing is half the battle. Also she has black hair and can use a Keyblade. Woot woot.

I took her out for ice cream afterwards, but I’m saving the WINNER stick. Axel deserves a reward when he gets back. Xion wants to have ice cream from now on. Even though she could probably buy her own damn crap with her own damn munny, I’m humoring her for how. Maybe we’ll be friendly-friends.

( _Hollow Ties_  
Pressing Zexion for answers would be a waste of time. I know that, but this dearth of information is hard to accept. Whatever that information may be. What’s happening on the upper levels? What ought we be doing down here? They hug their truths close and leave the rest of us to speculate. So really I don’t know if we received a dearth of information at all, really.

Zexion talks of the bond we share as an Organization, but how could such a thing exist? Still, he remains the only one I can trust. Talk about fueling the shippers…

…So I assume I’m Lexaeus, then, Iunno.)

~Day 26: Terminated~

**Roxas:** *gets up out of bed and stretches* Man, today feels like a great day! I made a new friend yesterday, we’re gonna hang out with my other friend when he gets back, and I can feel myself continuing to improve with each mission. Nothing could possibly spoil my good mood today! *walks to the communal meeting area thing with a spring in his step*

**Xaldin:** So everyone’s fucking dead, then?

**Demyx:** I don’t know, I just heard two seconds ago, gimme time to process!

**Xaldin:** That’s a kick in the dick.

**Demyx:** I love being kicked in the dick! Metaphorically!

**Roxas:** …Xigbar, what’s going on?

**Xigbar:** Oh, at least one if not more of our guys at Castle Oblivion has been violently and brutally murdered, nothing to worry about.

**Roxas:** Aaaaaand now I’m worried. Saïx, please tell me what actually happened.

**Saïx:** Why do you care?

**Roxas:** Because I care about Axel. What happened?

**Saïx:** Not a clue. Might be dead, who knows.

**Roxas:** And now I have a sad.

**Xigbar:** I like how the movie shows me and Saïx leaving the room but in the game we still stick around to either hand out missions or generally chat some more.

**Roxas:** Xion, how do you feel about this?

**Xion:** …Roxas, I’m really sorry, and I feel bad that you feel bad…But I don’t personally know Axel so I can’t really be properly sad about his passing.

**Roxas:** I guess…

**Xion:** Also I guess we’re not working together today. Sorry, I would’ve at least liked to cheer you up a bit, but…

**Roxas:** It’s fine, it’s not your fault, just blame Saïx for that like the rest of us.

**Xion:** You got it.

**Moogle:** Ellipsis, kupo.

**Roxas:** …That Moogle is wearing an Organization XIII coat.

**Moogle:** Ellipsis, kupo.

**Roxas:** …What the fuck. Can Moogles also become Nobodies, what the fuck is going on?!

**Moogle:** Ellipsis, kupo.

**Roxas:** Fuck this, I can’t deal with this right now.

**Xigbar:** You ready or what?

**Roxas:** NO I AM NOT FUCKING READY.

**Xaldin:** Are you using panels effectively? Equip a weapon panel and show me. I’ll tell you if you’ve done it properly.

**Roxas:** Still haven’t taken the Loaded Gear off, actually.

**Xaldin:** Good. It seems you have at least a rudimentary grasp of panels. You may as well have this. *gives Roxas Hi-Potion* I’ve nothing else for you. You can go about your business. Move along, move along.

**Demyx:** Can you believe it? Terminated…Talk about a bad scene. Guess Chain of Memories must’ve happened, huh. Or part of it, anyway, I personally just think Vexen’s dead, but of course that means the rest of ‘em will be quick to follow, amirite?

**Roxas:** You make me sad. I don’t want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food-trough wiper. *goes to get a mission from Saïx*

**Saïx:** You’ve leveled up enough in our eyes that you can now use the Organization store thing that is actually a Moogle that works for us. Go talk to him to get shit.

**Roxas:** Okay, I guess.

**Moogle:** Greetings, kupo. What is…your name?

**Roxas:** Roxas. What’s yours?

**Moogle:** …My name is of no importance, kupo.

**Roxas:** …You’re the evil mastermind behind everything, aren’t you.

**Moogle:** Are you here to shop, kupo? Have a look, kupo, at my wondrous wares, kupo.

**Roxas:** Okay, let’s see what you’ve got.

**Moogle:** Elixers and things look like energy drinks according to the manga, kupo.

**Roxas:** And wasn’t there a whole sub-plot about buying an expired Elixir on-sale or something?

**Moogle:** If you recycle, it’s five munny cash-back, kupo!

**Roxas:** Just gimme that Slot Releaser, that Aerial Recovery, and another Level Up panel. Damn, that last one just basically functions as a Rare Candy, doesn’t it. Aaaand let’s try that Technical Gear for now. *equips that panel to his Keyblade and creates Ominous Blight* Getting more and more pissed off at the names of these Keyblades…

**Moogle:** Pleasure doing business with you, kupo!

**Roxas:** Whatever. Dude, I’m ready.

**Saïx:** I’m sending you and Xigbar to your first new world that isn’t Twilight Town today. Apparently we haven’t been here yet, so you two have to conduct recon.

**Roxas:** Fine, let’s get this over with. *follows Xigbar to what is obviously Agrabah*

**Agrabah Title Card:** Bet you didn’t know this was Agrabah, didja?

**Xigbar:** Ugh, why do we have to wear these heavy-ass coats?

**Roxas:** I actually think it’s better in the long run, since the more skin we show the more we risk it being permanently damaged by the sun. Maybe we should think about putting our hoods up as well?

**Xigbar:** As if. C’mon, kiddo, let’s get this investigation over and done with.

**Roxas:** Sure…

**Xigbar:** Is this whole new world giving you such an indescribable feeling that you can’t move or something? What’s up?

**Roxas:** …About the people over at Castle Oblivion…

**Xigbar:** Oh, is that all?

**Roxas:** Don’t we need every member in order to fulfill our eventual goal? Doesn’t at least the loss of the practical aspect of each member dishearten you even a little bit?

**Xigbar:** Can’t really be disheartened when I don’t have a heart, now can I?

**Roxas:** Xigbar, be serious.

**Xigbar:** I am serious. About finishing this mission. The sooner we get it done, the sooner we can get back and you can weasel a straight answer out of Saïx, okay, kiddo?

**Roxas:** I guess…

**Xigbar:** Okey-dokey, let’s get this show on the road!

**Roxas:** …If we’re here to do recon for this world neither of us have seen before, why is there already a map in our mind palaces?

**Xigbar:** I—hmm…

**Roxas:** Oh look, Emblems! *kills them*

**Xigbar:** *helps kill them even though when he kills them he doesn’t collect hearts*

**Roxas:** What gives, don’t I at least have to deal the final blow or something?

**Xigbar:** Probably, I just really like murdering things.

**Roxas:** … *head tilt* Okay…? *looks around him* That’s a big door.

**Xigbar:** Thank you for summing that up. Probably leads into the palace or something.

**Roxas:** Are you just making up shit as we go along?

**Xigbar:** As if, look at how opulent this shit is! And now look at how shitty the rest of the place looks!

**Roxas:** Fair enough…What’s this sand dune doing here in between buildings? Wouldn’t they smooth that out or something?

**Xigbar:** What the hell do we know about how deserts work? Maybe they like beach volleyball.

**Roxas:** Do you really think that’s it?

**Xigbar:** *actual dialogue* Ha ha ha, no. No, I don’t. *looks around* Pull the lever, Roxas!

**Roxas:** *pulls lever*

**Xigbar:** *falls through a trapdoor* WRONG LEVAAAAAAAaaaaaahhhh…

**Roxas:** *contented sigh* That made me feel better…

**Xigbar:** *comes back out through a side-door with an alligator nomming his butt* Why do they even _have_ that lever. *thwacks the alligator which goes scampering off like a kicked puppy*

**Roxas:** *pulls the proper lever*

**Gate:** *opens*

**Roxas:** I just noticed these logs lying around here.

**Xigbar:** That’s very interesting. You’re very interesting.

**Roxas:** …Seriously? No comment whatsoever?

**Xigbar:** Evidently not.

**Roxas:** Another sand pile…There are signs of someone trying to move all the sand this time. Probably trying to clean out all the shops in this place…

**Xigbar:** When I inevitably build my glorious utopia, remind me to not do it in a desert.

**Roxas:** …Sure, I’ll make a note of that. *climbs up on a scaffold that wasn’t there in KHI* At least there’s no sand up here, that would’ve been terrifying.

**Xigbar:** And that’s how we know it’s new, and not just because we played this level five million times before two games ago, it’s definitely because we noticed there wasn’t any sand. Look, we can’t even get into Aladdin’s house anymore.

**Roxas:** That would indeed be weird, if any of us knew who that was, which we don’t, who would. *jumps down and looks at a stall selling dishes* These things are so filled with sand that I’m actually seriously wondering if that’s what they’re selling instead of the dishware. *climbs a thing* I love being able to jump this high…What’s with the rope?

**Xigbar:** Dude, it’s rope.

**Roxas:** Yeah but why is it _here,_ you’re supposed to be helping me.

**Xigbar:** Well, obviously the people who live here have a BDSM thing going on.

**Roxas:** I don’t know what that is.

**Xigbar:** Figures, I was only kidding anyway, just keep going, I’ll pipe in if you actually find something interesting.

**Roxas:** You mean like this wall that’s falling apart? This place must be old as shit.

**Xigbar:** Yeah, but no. This looks like it was done recently.

**Roxas:** …You can tell that kind of shit?

**Xigbar:** I’ve been doing this kind of thing a lot longer than you have, kiddo.

**Roxas:** That’s fair.

**Xigbar:** For example, there was a gate here.

**Roxas:** *hits another switch*

**Xigbar:** It’s gone now.

**Roxas:** Your powers of observation astound.

**Xigbar:** I do try my best. *looks around the latest area* This place is nearly buried in the sand this time.

**Roxas:** Uh-huh.

**Xigbar:** Heh, serves them right for choosing to live in the middle of the fucking desert.

**Roxas:** …Because it was totally their choice, sure, whatever.

**Xigbar:** Beyond that, though, it doesn’t look like a lot’s going on. I mean, I didn’t even see any people here, did you?

**Roxas:** …I wasn’t listening, were you saying something?

**Xigbar:** You regressing to how you used to be or something, what’s with all the zoning out?

**Roxas:** Nothing…

**Xigbar:** What, is it the Castle Oblivion thing?

**Roxas:** …Ellipsis?

**Xigbar:** For the final fucking time, the longer we’re on this mission the longer you go without any answers, got it?!

**Roxas:** Fine, let’s check out this door that’s boarded up.

**Xigbar:** We could, but I have nothing to say about it.

**Roxas:** As always, you’ve been a huge help. How ‘bout this wall that’s gonna collapse any second? Anything to say about that?

**Xigbar:** Nope!

**Roxas:** The biggest pike of sand we’ve come across yet? Anything?

**Xigbar:** Yeah, this one’s cuz we’re right next to the entrance of the city that we can’t go out of, with the raging sandstorm that we somehow don’t comment on even though it’s the answer to everything. Why do you think that is, given all the evidence so far?

**Roxas:** Why’re you making me figure it out? If you already know, just spit it out so we can end the mission!

**Xigbar:** Believe me, I would if my secondary mission wasn’t to continue to train you.

**Roxas:** You’re making that up and the real reason is because you like fucking with me, isn’t it.

**Xigbar:** Awww, the kiddo’s growing up so fast!

**Roxas:** …So it’s sandy because we’re in the middle of the fucking desert, right? Maybe this is normal.

**Xigbar:** Heh heh, normal? As if. Look how tall those walls are. They’re trying to keep the sand as just the floor planning and nothing else.

**Roxas:** D’you think it was a sandstorm then? ‘Cause those have to be kind of normal for deserts too, don’t they? Infrequent, yes, but still a credible threat every now and then, right?

**Xigbar:** Again with the height of the walls that should block most of it, but maybe this one in particular was a spectacularly bad one, worse and far more frequently than usual. Now about those logs and rope we saw. What do you think of it?

**Roxas:** This place is a fucking disaster, considering we never saw what it looked like before since aside from the new scaffolds and one or two sand piles it looks exactly the fucking same.

**Xigbar:** It does look like they’re on track to change the layout to what it’s gonna look like in KHII, though.

**Roxas:** Who’s “they”? The people we never see?

**Xigbar:** Probably. And it looks like they got every nonexistent person in on it. Heh, we should totally join, we meet all the requirements. And I don’t know how I made the sudden leap from people working on it to someone special leading everyone who’s working on it without making the logical assumption that it might’ve been the royals, but what the fuck do I know.

**Roxas:** …We done here?

**Xigbar:** Looks like.

**Roxas:** Then why is the mission gauge only halfway full?

**Xigbar:** …Fuck. Okay, let’s look around for whatever else we have to do.

**Roxas:** As soon as we take care of these respawning Heartless.

**Xigbar:** Aw man, that’s the worst kind of Heartless! Oh look, actual people.

**Jasmine:** I’m pretty sure I was wearing my civilian outfit in the manga, which would probably make more sense if I wanted to blend in with the people who weren’t here.

**Aladdin:** I’m pretty sure both of us would be too famous by now to simply fade away like that.

**Jasmine:** Good point.

**Xigbar:** Damn it, I don’t know how to get past these guys with you in tow! Normally a really tall guy with facial scars, an eye patch, and a long-ass ponytail wouldn’t draw a second glance from anyone, but a normal-looking kid? That’s gonna raise some eyebrows.

**Roxas:** Dude, Vexen taught me how to avoid people!

**Xigbar:** I don’t care, we gotta find a different way to get outta here.

**Roxas:** …Can’t you, like, teleport, and create Dark Corridors wherever the hell you want?

**Xigbar:** …Shaddup and come up this way.

**Roxas:** HEY those two people are still there who knew.

**Jasmine:** You should get some rest, Aladdin.

**Aladdin:** Nah. Besides, the sandstorm’s finally let up—now’s our chance to patch up the city.

**Jasmine:** Sure, but _you_ can take a break! You’ll overwork yourself to death at this rate!

**Aladdin:** It’s _fine._ I just wish we had some kind of weather system in place so we could roughly pinpoint when the next sandstorm will hit and then endlessly bitch when it’s always wrong.

**Jasmine:** Genie could’ve helped with that.

**Aladdin:** I miss him too, but it’s not like magic is the only way of stopping natural disasters from happening.

**Jasmine:** Well if we start actually trying to acknowledge and circumvent climate change—

**Aladdin:** Oh that shit’s just a myth and you know it.

**Jasmine:** Why am I dating you again?

**Aladdin:** Imma get back to work, you keep sitting back and looking pretty and doing nothing to physically help even though we’re the only two humans on this planet.

**Jasmine:** Done and done! *leaves with him*

**Xigbar:** So it looks like that meager peasant is rallying the citizens while that dancer girl’s there for moral support. I seriously thought it would be someone actually in charge, though.

**Roxas:** Why does it have to be?

**Xigbar:** Because people are lazy shitheads normally, unless actually ordered to do something by those in charge who can make their lives hell if they don’t do what they say.

**Roxas:** Is that why we all follow Xemnas?

**Xigbar:** Oh most definitely. And…Wait, I actually think that dancer girl might’ve actually been a princess or a queen or something. Huh.

**Roxas:** I WANNA EXPLORE THE PALACE WE NEVER GET TO EXPLORE THE PALACE.

**Xigbar:** Pfft, as if! Like they’d actually create an entire new area in Agrabah for us to explore! Now you’re just being silly. Look, we figured out what’s happening and we got a look at who’s in charge. As far as I’m concerned, we’re done here.

**Roxas:** Okay, let’s leave then!

**Xigbar:** Not so fast, kiddo, we still have a bit more to check out.

**Roxas:** OH COME THE SMEG ON.

**Xigbar:** I’m just fucking with ya, that’s bonus crap, we can go home if you want.

**Roxas:** Not when there’s an extra thing just right here. *examines palace doors again* So those two came from inside the palace, then?

**Xigbar:** …This totally fucks with every interpretation of royalty I’ve ever heard of. I think the reason we haven’t seen anyone is because they’re all taking shelter inside the palace. And the person who’s most in charge is _letting_ them. Like, out of the kindness of their heart or something. Does not compute, does not compute, abort, retry, fail.

**Roxas:** Hang on, I don’t wanna have to come back and redo this, let’s just check around one more time—Oh sure, _now_ we can examine the fucking sandstorm outside the city.

**Xigbar:** Looks like another storm is gonna start soon aside from the one already in progress. These guys are _not_ gonna be able to finish building shit without some serious magical intervention, which apparently they don’t want because they wanna continue fighting _natural disasters_ on their own because this is _their_ city. I mean, I’ve heard of isolationism and independence, but if you need help that fucking badly _it’s okay to ask for it._

**Roxas:** Also Heartless.

**Xigbar:** Well we can help with that, that part’s not a problem. Especially since maybe the sandstorm has something to do with the presence of the Heartless possibly maybe.

**Roxas:** You’re saying that the sandstorm has something to do with the presence of the Heartless possibly maybe?!

**Xigbar:** …Let’s just RTC for realzies, okay?

**Roxas:** Okay! *sprints there while barely paying attention to his surroundings*

Scarlet Tango: *sneaks up on him*

**Xigbar:** *shoots at it, and in the game it dies and a heart goes up _which makes no sense because only Roxas and Xion can do that_ *

**Roxas:** *deals at least the final blow in the movie* Question! What happens when Heartless are destroyed?

**Xigbar:** The hearts are taken from them — You’ve already gone over the misnomer thing, right? Good — and they coalesce to form the heart-shaped moon we’re creating back in The World That Never Was. Otherwise they’d return to their former bodies and be reborn as themselves again, but that’s not important right now.

**Roxas:** …And what happens when a Nobody is destroyed?

**Xigbar:** Nothing. They’re just dead. Unless of course their Heartless are destroyed and their heart returns to them, but with the way we’re holding all of those hearts hostage I seriously doubt that’s gonna happen.

**Roxas:** …So the guys at Castle Oblivion…

**Xigbar:** Dead. So, so dead.

**Roxas:** …So I’ll never see any of them again?

**Xigbar:** Nothing left to even have much of a funeral, really.

**Roxas:** …I am incredibly depressed right now.

**Xigbar:** That’s nice. *opens the Dark Corridor* You coming? Or do you want me to drop you off in Twilight Town, you like hanging there, right?

**Roxas:** Yeah, that’d be nice. If Chain of Memories hadn’t just ended. *clutches his head in pain*

**Axel:** I’M PROBABLY FUCKING DEAD!

**Xion:** I’m not, but I’m having an easier time fighting than you seem to right now. FOR SOME REASON.

**Naminé:** I’m currently fucking with everything! WHEEEEEEEEEEEE~!

**Xigbar:** You okay, kiddo? …Kiddo…? Oh dear.

~Kinda cool how we have a vague timeline for how long Chain of Memories was supposed to take, though.~

_How Long?_  
I only remember part of this day, and yet I’m writing about it on the day it was supposed to take place instead of three weeks later. I’m thorough like that. I heard somebody sent to Castle Oblivion was terminated. Saïx said it may have been Axel. Demyx said he thinks it’s Vexen. I tried to ask Xigbar about it on the day’s mission, and he said nothing’s left of Nobodies once we’re gone, because we have no hearts to leave behind. He appears to be the nozzle that the douche comes from. I don’t remember much after that. They say I collapsed and fell into a coma…

( _Axel’s Actions_  
Simple deduction suggests Axel’s outwardly inscrutable actions are the result of some directive from Saïx. It’s always Saïx.

Why else eliminate Vexen? He simply wanted to do research. Did we not all stand to gain from the fruits of his Program, however crazily amoral most would find it? What is Axel thinking? Aside from following Saïx’s orders, which is probably all he’s thinking about. I’d blame Marluxia but I’m not on the upper levels and thus have no idea what’s going on.

…I think I’m Zexion. And I think Riku’s storyline is still ongoing, I guess…Which means I’ll be dead quite shortly. Joyous.)


	7. (Wake Him Up) Wake Him Up Inside (He Can't Wake Up) Wake Him Up Inside (Save Him) Shove One Of These Markers Up His Ass

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Dude I Don't Own Shit:** Evanescence, _Harry Potter, The Princess Bride,_ Super Best Friends Play, The Marx Brothers, _Whose Line Is It Anyway, How To Train Your Dragon, Desolation of Smaug, Sherlock, Monty Python's Life of Brian,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Day 27: The Dark Margin~

**Xemnas:** *is in the Realm of Darkness with Roxas walking up to him; both have their hoods up* I’ve been to see him. Which must mean that continuity puts my optional fight with him in Final Mix at about six days after he turned into a Heartless and you were created. Good to know. He looks a lot like you. Not as much as Ventus, but age him up a year and change his hair and you two would still look exactly the same.

**Roxas:** I don’t think we’ve met yet, and if we have I don’t remember.

**Xemnas:** I’m what’s left…or maybe I’m all that ever was. Again, whether I’m talking about Master Xehanort or Terra is not a hundred percent clear.

**Roxas:** THE NAME! GIVE ME THE WRETCHED NAME!

**Karkaroff:** BARTY CROUCH!

**Rita Skeeter:** Gasp!

**Karkaroff:** _Junior._

**Roxas:** Seriously, who are you?

**Xemnas:** No one of consequence.

**Roxas:** I must know.

**Xemnas:** Get used to disappointment.

**Roxas:** ‘Kay.

**Xemnas:** What about you? Do you remember what your real name was before we switched letters around and threw in an X?

**Roxas:** …Not really.

**Xemnas:** This was apparently your sixth day of life. How you’re actually walking and talking unassisted is anyone’s guess. *stands up and takes his hood off* Time to start the game properly I guess. *walks past Roxas, putting a hand on his shoulder and mouthing Sora’s name*

**Roxas:** *is left standing there* …How did I get here and how do I leave.

**Xemnas:** Iunno.

**Roxas:** Well that’s enough flashbacking, time to get back to my coma.

**Xemnas:** I AM NOW WATCHING YOU SLEEP.

**Roxas:** Oh good, that’s not creepy at all.

**Xemnas:** He gonna wake up any time soon, or…?

**Saïx:** Fucked if I know. Something about Sora’s memories, it’s complicated.

**Xemnas:** So it all depends on what just happened at the end of Chain of Memories…

**Saïx:** Well at least Xion can use the Keyblade now. All according to keikaku. She can do Roxas’s job in the meantime.

**Xemnas:** Okay I guess.

**Saïx:** …I’m gonna go now… *leaves*

**Xemnas:** …What is it with you and sleeping, guy?

**Saïx:** *outside the doorway* …Okay, even I have no idea what he’s talking about anymore.

**Xion:** Roxas wasn’t at the tower today, I wonder if something happened…Why was Lord Xemnas in his room? *peaks in and Roxas’s hair’s done up in bows with marker all over his face* WHAT THE SHIT?!

~CAN YOU TELL HOW MUCH I FUCKING LOVE THE MANGA VERSION.~

( _Organization Dog_  
Axel is in the way, though I don’t know if he’s aware of our plot. Whatever our plot may be. Am I still Zexion? Am I still _alive?_

Vexen had no part in our plans — why eliminate him, assuming Axel’s orders were to root out traitors to the Organization? Was Vexen actually a traitor to the Organization all along, or did one of his experiments finally go too far? Or did Axel just do it because Vexen was kind of a creepy motherfucker? Discerning his motives merits our full attention.)

~Day 28~

**Xigbar:** Roxas’s face was covered in scribbles, huh? Must’ve been the Dusks.

**Xion:** But Lord Xemnas had just left the room, though.

**Demyx:** So you think he did it? HA! That would’ve been a riot! I’d definitely respect the guy more if he did stuff like that, that’s for fucking sure!

**Xion:** …He’s not waking up though.

**Xigbar:** Don’t worry about it, Poppet! I’m sure your twin’ll wake up soon enough.

**Xion:** …You mean how we were born around the same time?

**Xigbar:** Sure, let’s go with that.

~I’m not foreshadowing anything at all!~

( _Dealing with the Traitors_  
Hey. Axel here. *waves* 

I’ve uncovered most of what I need to know about the Replica Program, except how apparently Vexen made another one we didn’t know about. Where is the other one? I can’t find any trace of it. Wonder if it’s been placed elsewhere…Maybe I should just give up at this point. Eh, a few more weeks of searching wouldn’t hurt.

…Vexen was caught in the middle. I did not overly enjoy killing him. I could not risk his Program falling into their hands. Whether I mean Zexion and Lexaeus, or even Marluxia and Larxene, _or even Saïx and Xemnas,_ is anyone’s guess.

Of greater concern are the traitors. Not the obvious turncoats, but the ones who will get in his and my way. His I think meaning Saïx’s. The Keyblade master is not our enemy. We should probably stop trying to kill him horribly every time he turns around.)

~Day 29~

**Xion:** Aaaaand now he looks like Groucho Marx.

**Demyx:** Tell you what, how ‘bout we keep an eye on Roxas together?

**Xion:** Good plan, your sitar might even wake him up!

**Demyx:** That’s a great idea! That’s well possible.

**Xion:** …What?

**Demyx:** It’s-It’s well possible.

**Xion:** Is that a—

**Demyx:** Yeah, you can say that.

**Xion:** Is that a phrase, are you serious?

**Demyx:** Yeah, absolutely.

**Xion:** I don’t know if I believe you.

**Demyx:** Well, you don’t have to—

**Xion:** And if I do believe you, I don’t know how much I do.

**Demyx:** As long as it’s like a thirty percent trust rate, we can work with that.

**Xion:** Thirty percent, that’s low.

**Demyx:** I’ll work with low. Pays the bills.

~Day 30~

**Saïx:** Would you two stop slacking off.

**Demyx:** Aww, this was the perfect excuse to slack off…

**Saïx:** You too, Xion.

**Xion:** But he still hasn’t woken up yet!

**Saïx:** And whether he does or not has absolutely nothing to do with you.

**Xion:** How do I know if I don’t stay here?

**Saïx:** If you absolutely have to, you can visit him after work. Until then it is imperative that you in particular carry out your mission, understand?

**Xion:** …I hate your face.

**Saïx:** I can’t even see your face.

~Day 49~

**Xion:** Why do you now look like Xigbar. *shakes head* I went to a new world today, Roxas. One that we’ll never be able to visit when-the-fuck-ever in any of the games ever, which is sad. It was basically a tropical paradise. I could’ve just sat there all day and watched the waves, looking past the palm trees. I do hope you’ll wake up soon, I’d love to take you there. *takes out thalassa shell and places it by his pillow with the other shells she’s collected before trying to clean up the ink again* DAMN IT THOSE DUSKS USED PERMANENT MARKER THIS TIME THOSE SHITS. *leaves in disgust*

**Roxas:** I AM GRUNTING IN MY SLEEP.

**Xion:** WHY DO I ALWAYS MISS EVERYTHING.

~Day 50: Familiar Sound~

**Kairi’s voice:** You lazy jackass. Quit sleeping, we got stuff to do.

**Roxas:** Gwah? *opens his eyes* …Damn I’m hungry. *goes to the main room* …Did I oversleep or something? Why isn’t anyone else here? Oh well… *goes to Twilight Town and sits on the clock tower*

**Xion:** Roxas?! You’re alive?!

**Roxas:** Oh, hey, Xion. So, I think I must’ve passed out on my last mission. Can you fill me in?

**Xion:** You were in a coma for like three weeks.

**Roxas:** That long?! No wonder I was hungry…

**Xion:** Saïx said that no one knew when you were gonna wake up. I mean it’s not like Vexen’s here and he’s the closest thing to a doctor we have, unfortunately. And the Dusks certainly didn’t do anything to help. *sits down beside Roxas* I’m glad you’re awake, though.

**Roxas:** I feel like a total zombie, though.

**Xion:** As long as you’re not actually dead! *they guffaw and have a lovely chortle-fest* Oh, right, I have a thingy for you! *takes out seashell*

**Roxas:** Ooh, a seashell.

**Xion:** It’s a seashell.

**Roxas:** …As established, yes.

**Xion:** Well, I’ve been stopping by the Destiny Islands after every mission to pick one up for you. Try holding it up to your ear.

**Roxas:** Okay. *holds it up to his ear*

**Seashell:** *with the voice of Carol Channing* I’m Spartacus!

**Roxas:** WHAT THE SHIT. *hears the ocean next*

**Image of Sora and Kairi watching the sunset:** *appears*

**Roxas:** Huh, wonder what that means.

~It’s a good thing they’re not actual people, or Roxas’s muscles would’ve atrophied along with various other health conditions.~

_Xion’s Seashells_  
I must have missed a lot. It’s like I had the longest dream. I woke up to find a bunch of seashells by my pillow. I counted them – one for each day I was asleep. It’s a good thing I wasn’t moving much or I might’ve squashed them.

I was wondering who left them there, but then when I got to the clock tower, Xion gave me another one. So maybe it was her I guess. I held it up to my ear and I could hear the ocean…Why did it sound so familiar?

The stuff I dreamed about felt strangely familiar, too. I remember being in a white room with somebody the same age as me wearing red clothes…and then he sort of disappeared into the white.

And there was a girl’s voice – she called me a jackass. Why would she say something like that? The voice was a little like Xion’s apart from how it was completely different but since the only other female voice I’ve ever heard was Larxene’s I guess that’s the only way I can compare it.

( _Strange Feeling_  
Roxas woke up today. I think he was dreaming this whole time. No idea how but I’m just guessing.

Being with him feels strange. Familiar. Like listening to the waves crash up against the shore. But why would a person make me think of that sound unless they were actively trying to replicate it? Unless it’s just because I was picking up seashells at a beach while waiting for him to wake up and that’s why his presence just triggers that memory all the time or something.)

~Day 51: Missing~

**Tutorial:** Here’s yet another thing for you to look for while on missions for extra bonus shenanigans in multiplayer!

**Roxas:** No one else I know owns this game; in fact I’m borrowing it from a friend so I can combine the game lore with the movie and manga lore.

**Tutorial:** But you could _own_ it, though!

**Roxas:** …Enh…

**Tutorial:** WHY DON’T YOU JUST BUY THE GAME YOURSELF.

**Roxas:** Because I already own Kingdom Hearts 1.5 HD Remix; that’s like asking me to buy Coded.

**Tutorial:** HEY YOU SHOULD BUY CODED—

**Roxas:** No. No I shouldn’t.

**Moogle:** I heard you collapsed, kupo. Gotta pace yourself, kupo. Who else am I going to swindl—talk to, kupo?

**Roxas:** Shut up and give me that Triplecast. Oh, and that Chrono Gear. *equips it to form the Sign of Innocence* …Finally, a Keyblade I’m not horribly repulsed by due to the name.

**Xigbar:** Good morning, Starshine! The Earth says hello! Oh, and during your beauty nap, we found out the whole CO team is toast. Thought you’d like to know.

**Roxas:** W…What? Do you know anything about—

**Xigbar:** And that’s all I’m saying!

**Roxas:** …I really dislike you sometimes.

**Demyx:** It’s such a pain to hunt down every last treasure chest, don’t you think?

**Roxas:** Yeah, whatever, do you know anything about—

**Demyx:** I don’t know how I’m gonna get out of…Hey! Totally! Roxas! Go get all the chests in Mission 14, man!

**Roxas:** What? No, who cares about treasure chests, I’m trying to figure out—

**Demyx:** I’ll make it worth your while.

**Roxas:** I. Don’t. _Care._ About the stupid chests. I already got all of them anyway! Now would you _please_ tell me—

**Demyx:** Ooh! You got all the chests!

**Roxas:** YES. I JUST FUCKING TOLD YOU THAT.

**Demyx:** Just between us guys, I hear some chests contain rare stuff. You should grab ‘em, you know, if you care. Here you go, buddy. As promised. *hands over Shining Shard*

**Roxas:** Fine whatever, now what have you heard—

**Demyx:** Hey, you hear what happened over at the other castle? I sure dodged a bullet there. And it’s all thanks to being super lazy!

**Roxas:** * _somehow_ resists urge to shove Keyblade up Demyx’s nose*

**Saïx:** You’re awake.

**Roxas:** Thank you for summing that up. Oh, I wanted to ask for clarification about Castle Oblivion?

**Saïx:** We’re looking into it.

**Roxas:** …Xion told me it’s been three weeks.

**Saïx:** We’re not very good at our jobs. Also why am I even explaining myself to you, just get to work already. Most of us will be doing solo missions considering our numbers have been permanently halved for the most part.

**Roxas:** …Fine, just give me something to do. *heads to Agrabah to kill things*

**Jasmine:** _Another_ sandstorm? Fucking hell, Aladdin!

**Aladdin:** Hey, I’m just repeating what those merchants told me!

**Jasmine:** Fucking Christ…

**Aladdin:** And that’s not all, either.

**Jasmine:** Oh what now.

**Aladdin:** More Heartless. All over Agrabah.

**Jasmine:** But I thought Sora got rid of them all.

**Aladdin:** Until they showed up again. They always seem to spring up the most right before a sandstorm hits, it’s weird.

**Jasmine:** …Well that’s not good. *pisses off with Aladdin*

**Roxas:** *slaughters the surrounding Fire Plants and Scarlet Tangos without comment until an Impenetrable Barrier shows up* Well this is gonna be annoying… *eventually kills it*

**Aladdin:** Abu, you’re not supposed to be in these games!

**Roxas:** …He is now talking to a monkey. Oh yeah, this is a spectacular place, right here.

**Aladdin:** Abu, I told you, we’re gonna be royalty soon, you can’t steal that kind of shit anymore!

**Abu:** You suck.

**Aladdin:** I know, now let’s go back and apologize already.

**Roxas:** …How did they not see me. And also what the hell am I supposed to do to hundred percent this. Is it that last treasure chest? ‘Cause without some form of Hi-Jump or Glide I don’t think I’m getting that any time soon. *goes to Twilight Town and just sits on the clock tower without eating any ice cream again*

~Considering we know Axel’s fine on Day 255, and will also be in KHII, is this scene robbed of its mystery because we already know?~

_Annihilated_  
It seems like the worse has come to pass: the whole CO team, wiped from existence. It’s hard to come to grips with the idea that Axel is gone. I feel…choked up? I don’t know what you’d call it. I’ve never had this kind of sensation.

I went up to the clock tower to have ice cream, but nobody else showed up.

( _Measures Must Be Taken_  
The Replica Program continues apace, somehow, even though I’m pretty sure we needed Vexen for this, but something has gone wrong at Castle Oblivion. The Dusks returned with word that none of those we dispatched survived — but the news came in fragments. I still know too little to extract the truth. After over three weeks of waiting for news. Maybe I should get someone competent to look for news instead.

I doubt Axel would be among those lost, but I must plan for the worst. First, I must locate the Keyblade master. So that I may eventually plot his demise since we already have two Keyblade wielders who I know would never dream of turning against us at any point in time ever. Ever. _Ever._ )

~Day 52: Solitude~

**Roxas:** *buys a Lift Gear off the Moogle and uses it to create Abyssal Tide* Let me guess, no new dialogue. Am I right?

**Xigbar:** If they’re gone, they’re gone. No point in crying over spilt milk.

**Roxas:** …Okay, I’ve been wrong before. Also I’m gonna cry over that spilt milk all I want, you can’t stop me!

**Saïx:** Shut up and take this link panel.

**Roxas:** …Pardon me while I practically double my level here…Shit, now I have to sort through everything again, hang on a sec…Okay, Twilight Town today, right? Let’s do this. *fights all the Minute Bombs and Poison plants on the way to fighting the Tailbunker*

**Tailbunker:** *perches impressively from atop one of the buildings in the shopping district place thingy* I am fire. I am…death!

**Roxas:** You’re a drama queen. *defeats it surprisingly easily* Well that had less health than I thought. Wonder what that Aerial Tech was…

~Day 53~

**Roxas:** *purchases Wild Gear from the Moogle in order to create True Light’s Flight* …I really like the look of this Keyblade, I think I’m gonna keep this Keyblade for some time. And no new dialogue, so…To Agrabah I guess. Oh, just collect Organization Emblems. Fine, whatever. *does it easily* Well that made me feel like nothing got done today.

~Day 54~

**Roxas:** *heads to Agrabah to take care of more Deserters* Why do I just feel like I’m wasting my time…

~The game _is_ kind of boring with no one cool to distract from the monotony of everyday missions.~

_Ice Cream Alone_  
I sit up on the clock tower, but no one comes. Not Axel, which makes sense since he’s dead and never coming back, but I at least expected Xion to turn up occasionally. I don’t know why but that makes me feel almost worse. That weird lump in my throat won’t go away.

Something else is bothering me. This is gonna sound crazy (Good thing this is a private diary! Even though now I’m _really_ talking to myself and that can’t be healthy.) but these fuzzy, static-y pictures keep flashing through the bottom screen. Not all the time, just sometimes…Ever since I collapsed.

It happened when I’m awake, too — on missions — so I don’t think it’s a dream. Where are the pictures coming from? They seem like stock footage taken from something…

( _Another Mission_  
I’ve lost track of the Keyblade master and the other intruders. I’m the only one left in the castle. Everybody else has been destroyed. Not too sure if it took three weeks for Riku to finish his storyline or if I’ve just been dicking around ever since. My orders were to end the traitors, but I think by this point, I fit that bill better than anybody. I know Saïx ordered all this to happen, but I still feel bad. Mostly about Lexaeus, if anyone didn’t have to die it was him.

There’s one last thing I need to look into while I’m here. Whether I’m still looking for the other Replica or whether I’m looking for the Chamber of Secrets is not a hundred percent clear.)

~Day 71: Reunion~

**Roxas:** *slouches into the main area*

**Xigbar:** *chuckling* What’s with you, kiddo?

**Roxas:** Fuck off.

**Xigbar:** How shall I fuck off, O Lord?

**Roxas:** *nearly draws his Keyblade right then and there*

**Xigbar:** Man, it sure is nicer now that our numbers have dwindled. I personally like only having to deal with fewer people at a time. And I definitely enjoy the peace and quiet so much more now, let me tell ya!

**Roxas:** Die in a fire.

**Xigbar:** Aw, that’s not very nice! *smirks*

**Demyx:** Hey, didja guys here? Everyone from Castle Oblivion is officially dead now!

**Roxas:** …Did it seriously take us nearly twenty days to find out what we already pretty much figured three weeks before that?

**Demyx:** We are not that smart.

**Roxas:** …So…

**Demyx:** Yep! Never coming back! Not in a million years!

**Xigbar:** Good, means you get to work even harder now, am I right?

**Demyx:** …Oh balls.

**Tutorial:** You get to try Challenges now!

**Roxas:** Oh good.

**Moogle:** You really should, ‘cause I’ll give you free shit if you do, kupo.

**Roxas:** Uh-huh.

**Xigbar:** You pulling your weight, kiddo? Not that you weigh anything. What are you, around a buck five? Here, better take this in case you pass out. *gives Roxas Hi-Potion* Buck up, kiddo.

**Roxas:** Whatever.

**Demyx:** Everybody’s out in the field pulling double duty. Hard workers, I salute you!

**Roxas:** I don’t mind working hard so much. Takes my mind off things…

**Saïx:** Good to know. There are a bunch of shadow globs around Twilight Town. Get rid of them for us.

**Roxas:** Fine by me… *sees them everywhere, some seemingly impossibly out of reach* I love being able to jump as high as I always do and just combo-ing my way up further.

**Guardian:** *appears to try and kill you*

**Roxas:** Man, I remember when you used to be a credible threat. *kills it* …Why am I being told to RTC when there are still several of these things left. *gets the rest* …Time to RTC, I guess…Maybe I won’t even go to the clock tower today…

**Axel:** Why not?

**Roxas:** …What?

**Axel:** Been a while, huh, buddy?

**Roxas:** … _What._

**Axel:** Man, what’s up with you? You look like you’ve seen a ghost or something.

**Roxas:** I THOUGHT YOU WERE FUCKING DEAD. EVERYONE WAS SAYING HOW EVERYONE AT CASTLE OBLIVION WAS FUCKING DEAD. YOU WERE AT CASTLE OBLIVION. YOU SHOULD BE FUCKING DEAD.

**Axel:** *actual dialogue* Not me. I’m tough.

**Roxas:** It’s been like six fucking weeks, you prick! I was worried sick about you! I was _grieving_ you! _I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD!_

**Axel:** Now that doesn’t make any sense, bud. There’s no way you know how to grieve; none of us have the heart to do that! Literally!

**Roxas:** …I need a drink.

**Axel:** Too bad you’re underage.

**Roxas:** Ice cream it is, then.

**Axel:** I am down with that! *meets him up at the clock tower* Man, I need to check in with Saïx or he’s gonna lecture me for at least twelve hours this time. That’s half the reason I stayed away, you know; didn’t want to deal with his bullshit just yet. Man, I’m turning into Demyx over here.

**Roxas:** You haven’t even done that yet?

**Axel:** Nope!

**Roxas:** Then why’d you come here first?

**Axel:** More excuses to avoid him, plus I haven’t had this ice cream in a while and I was hoping I’d bump into you maybe. Also I wanted a little time to sort out my feelings, you know?

**Roxas:** Who was the one going on about how we didn’t have hearts again?

**Axel:** Oh fuck off.

**Roxas:** How shall I fuck off, O Lord? *they guffaw and have a lovely chortle-fest*

**Axel:** Don’t forget to actually eat your ice cream, dude.

**Roxas:** Right back atcha! *takes a bite anyway* Oh, while results of your death were still inconclusive, I started to invite Xion to hang out up here.

**Axel:** *spits out his ice cream*

**Roxas:** …Should I not have done that?

**Axel:** No, it’s fine, just a little unexpected is all.

**Roxas:** …I sort of promised her that the three of us would eat ice cream together when you got back…

**Axel:** …Okay, I’m game.

**Roxas:** …Thanks, I was afraid you’d be jealous that I’d made another friend.

**Axel:** Dude, I’m still friends with Saïx, I totally get it.

**Roxas:** …That guy has friends?

**Axel:** Hard to believe, I know. It is _not_ the easiest thing in the world, let me tell you.

**Roxas:** It doesn’t sound like it, that’s for sure.

~I WONDERED WHAT THE TITLE OF THE DAY WOULD’VE BEEN ABOUT. No, I wasn’t being sarcastic, what’re you talking about?

_Axel’s Back_  
After work, Axel turned up. Just like that, out of nowhere. I didn’t know what to say. I thought he was fucking dead. I kind of wanted to hit him but I was too happy to do much except stare and shout at him.

We went up to the clock tower and talked for a while. I told him about how Xion and I are friends now. Thankfully he seems cool with it.

I no longer feel like I want to cry.

( _The Traitor’s End_  
Saïx had a hand in what went down at Castle Oblivion — well, more like a whole arm. Visual metaphors are weird. Still, it means Axel was in on it as well.

It’s a fact that Xemnas ordered Axel to take out the traitors, orders which went through Saïx. No specific names were given, but naturally Xemnas knew who the turncoats were right from the get-go. Maybe that’s why they were all sent to Castle Oblivion in the first place. But why did Lexaeus have to go, he seemed cool.

…I could literally be anyone who’s still alive who’s not Axel, Roxas, Saïx, Xion, or Demyx, couldn’t I.)


	8. I Don't Want To Go On The Cart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Stuff I Stole From As Per Usual:** _Monty Python’s The Holy Grail,_ Super Best Friends Play, Twisted: The Untold Story of a Royal Vizier, _Doctor Who, Firefly, Legend of Korra,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Day 72: Change~

**Axel:** It astounds me that this doesn’t count as having happened last night or something…

**Saïx:** Why didn’t you report in sooner.

**Axel:** Aww, you were worried about me! Also learn to knock, doucheface.

**Saïx:** Where’s Naminé now.

**Axel:** No idea. She was there and then she wasn’t. It’s almost as if people have the power to instantly travel across dimensions or something.

**Saïx:** Did you search every room?

**Axel:** …Are you _high?!_ There is absolutely no fucking way to search through every room in that place and you know it! Fuck, one of the overarching plot threads of this whole damn series _depends_ on at least one room _never being fucking found,_ AND YOU KNOW IT.

**Saïx:** Oh yeah, that room. Did you at least find that?

**Axel:** …What the fuck is wrong with you. At least you know how to spot a traitor; you were absolutely right about Marluxia and Larxene.

**Saïx:** Hmph. I merely rounded up and extradited those who were beginning to annoy me.

**Axel:** Then why is Demyx still here?

**Saïx:** You amuse me.

**Axel:** And Vexen I get, but why Zexion and Lexaeus? They never seemed to be too much trouble.

**Saïx:** I just didn’t like them.

**Axel:** That’s cold, dog. Wait…Was I one of the ones you wanted murdered?

**Saïx:** …

**Axel:** Now is _not_ the time to not answer, doucheface!

**Saïx:** *turns around* I’m glad to see you alive and whole.

**Axel:** What a comfort. And I did personally kill Zexion, by the way.

**Saïx:** *stops dead in his tracks*

**Axel:** Well, ordered one of the clones Vexen made. Same diff, I made it happen.

**Saïx:** *starts walking away again*

**Axel:** You’re welcome. All according to keikaku, am I right? For now, anyway…

**Saïx:** I probably heard that.

**Axel:** I know.

~I still think that should’ve happened the previous night instead of this morning.~

**Roxas:** Please let that not’ve been a dream, please let that not’ve been a dream…Oh good, it wasn’t a dream! Hi, Axel!

**Axel:** Hi, Roxas! Guess what? We’re working together today! Somehow they consider this punishment for not reporting in sooner!

**Roxas:** How, am I that unbearable to everyone else?

**Axel:** To Saïx and Xaldin maybe, but everyone else likes you well enough. Luxord’s desperate to teach you cards sometime so he can steal fucking everything you have from you, Xigbar’s an affable douchenozzle to everyone but he gave you a nickname so that definitely means something, Demyx adores anyone who makes it so he doesn’t have to work as hard, Xemnas doesn’t exactly have an opinion on anyone but we know he values you, and of course me and Xion are your friends. But they know I don’t like babysitting.

**Roxas:** Goo goo.

**Axel:** Stop that.

**Roxas:** No, it’s fun.

**Axel:** Admittedly could’ve done with a day off, though. That mission took a lot outta me, let me tell ya. Welp, let’s get this over with, partner.

**Roxas:** Aw, you’re making me blush!

**Axel:** Okey-dokey, let’s get this show on the road!

**Demyx:** Xion? Search me, man. Probably out on a mission, don’t you think?

**Roxas:** …I didn’t ask you anything, but thanks for the info in any case.

**Saïx:** You two. Kill things. Now.

**Axel:** You want us to go to Radiant Garden and free a crow that’ll result in probably the worst part of KHII?

**Roxas:** What, that we never get to fight Maleficent in that game despite how many times she showed up?

**Axel:** No, that she teams up with Pete.

**Roxas:** Ah. Yes, that would be bad.

**Saïx:** …No? You’re, like, _never_ going to that planet.

**Axel:** …Weird.

**Roxas:** Yeah, I could’ve sworn—

**Saïx:** Just go to one of the usual ones and murder things.

Axel and Roxas: Roger that! *travel to Agrabah*

**Axel:** Let’s breeze right through this, yeah?

**Fuzzy hallucination of Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *appear on the bottom screen*

**Roxas:** Y-Yeah…

**Pete:** *is now in the game for some reason*

**Axel:** …Oh yeah, he looks like he fits right in.

**Roxas:** What even _is_ that? A giant, anthropomorphic cat who wears clothes? What kind of fucked up world did they even come from?!

**Axel:** I have no idea, but I hope we never go there.

**Pete:** Now where the fuck did I put that thing…

**Roxas:** And he talks.

**Axel:** Of course he does. What’s he even doing?

**Roxas:** He wasn’t here last time.

**Axel:** I’ll take your word for it.

**Pete:** I’m gonna exposit my evil plan to no one!

**Axel and Roxas:** Brilliant.

**Pete:** There’s an entrance to something somewhere around here, and a magic lamp’s in it. Once I get hold of it, all my wishes’ll come true! IT’S FUCKING FOOLPROOF!

**Axel:** A magic, wish granting lamp, huh? Well this is post KHI, so he’s probably talking about Jafar’s lamp.

**Roxas:** Well that doesn’t bode well.

**Axel:** No it does not. Screw killing Heartless, we’re following this guy and making sure he doesn’t destroy the entire planet.

**Roxas:** That is a good plan, I am a fan of this plan. Except I am afeared of Saïx’s wrath if we don’t do our jobs.

**Axel:** Actually, this _is_ part of the job. I’m not kidding, we do recon all the time even during regular missions, it’s called multitasking and compartmentalization.

**Roxas:** Saïx is still gonna lecture us, though.

**Axel:** There’s no time to give a fuck.

**Roxas:** There’s always time to give fucks, man.

**Axel:** Not really. Saïx would still lecture us even if we S-Ranked it. Got it memorized?

**Roxas:** I really wish I didn’t.

**Axel:** And besides, we still got all the time in the world to collect hearts today. The day weirdly doesn’t actually end until we RTC, time’s strange like that.

**Roxas:** I am so glad I’m not the only one who noticed that…

**Axel:** Right, time for your first stealth mission! Keep him in your field of vision, but don’t wander into _his_ field of vision that will be helpfully visually represented for you. If you fuck up, you’ll have to start over, it’s true, but he’ll just start his search over and you won’t get caught at all ever. Also possibly at that point you’ll have a better handle on his pattern so you’ll fuck up less in the future, got it?

**Roxas:** Got it. Glad there’s no lasting consequences to getting caught outside of continued frustration.

**Axel:** It’s annoying, true, but it helps with variation of missions. Got it memorized?

**Roxas:** Sadly. Damn this is annoying.

**Axel:** Yes it is.

**Pete:** WALL.

**Roxas:** …He’s staring at a wall now.

**Axel:** Roxas, we wouldn’t be investigating if we already knew all the answers, so pay attention, ‘kay?

**Pete:** I FOUND THE THING! *punches the wall, revealing a hidden passageway* OPEN SESAME! *see, it’s funny because—oh you know why*

**Roxas:** …Well that’s new. Did you know that was there?

**Axel:** I did not. Who’d you survey this place with again?

**Roxas:** Xigbar.

**Axel:** Excellent, I now have leverage over him.

**Roxas:** Well he made me do most of the work so Saïx may blame me instead.

**Axel:** No one’s gonna blame you for falling into that coma I heard about. Been meaning to ask, you okay?

**Roxas:** I think I’ve been getting better, yeah, I don’t know what happened.

**Axel:** Well I’m glad to hear you’re at least mostly functional, as that is your default setting.

**Roxas:** So…Should we go in, or…?

**Axel:** Sure, I don’t mind. Aside from the part where I think we’re continuing the stealth mission, but, you know, apart from that.

**Roxas:** Can I item-gather first?

**Axel:** By all means.

**Roxas:** Thanks. *goes around collecting shit* Okay done.

**Axel:** Okay, let’s go through this hole in the wall!

**Roxas:** Lead the way!

**Axel:** I have done so! And we are in the middle of the desert, somehow bypassing the sandstorm entirely, because that’s possible!

**Roxas:** …So what now?

**Axel:** Iunno, just follow Cat-Man I guess.

**Roxas:** …What’s with the Tiger Head Cave?

**Axel:** How do you know it’s a cave?

**Roxas:** I do not.

**Axel:** I love how only the worthy diamonds in the rough or whatever could’ve entered this thing before, and now who the fuck ever can go in when the fuck ever they want.

**Roxas:** Us too?

**Axel:** Why not. *enters with Roxas* …Wow this layout is _so different_ …It’s bigger on the inside!

**Roxas:** I fucking _knew_ you were gonna say that, you shill!

**Axel:** Shut up, we lost that other guy.

**Roxas:** Damn. Now what.

**Axel:** Well if Heartless appear then we just kill ‘em and call it good, I guess.

**Roxas:** I’m down. But don’t you want to know what that guy was up to?

**Axel:** Meh. We found this place, that’s enough for me for one day. Plus we’ll have to survey this eventually, and I’d rather just murder things. Vexen and maybe Zexion were really the only ones who enjoyed this kind of work anyway.

**Roxas:** …Are those two really dead?

**Axel:** Saw them both die myself.

**Roxas:** Oh. You okay?

**Axel:** …Yeah, I think I will be.

**Roxas:** Good. Um…

**Axel:** The rest are dead too, but I didn’t see it happen.

**Roxas:** I’m sorry. You knew those guys longer than I did.

**Axel:** Which is why, I hate to sound heartless—

**Roxas:** Ha.

**Axel:** Indeed, but I’m not really choked up that any of those guys are gone, you know? Marluxia and Larxene wanted to betray the Organization, you don’t even want to know what Vexen and Zexion were up to, and…actually, Lexaeus was kind of just doing his job, I feel bad for him, I miss him the most, definitely.

**Roxas:** Me too, I think. I mean, Marluxia and Zexion weren’t really mean to me or anything, but if they were up to something nefarious…Still didn’t think they needed to die, though. Any of them.

**Axel:** Yeah…WOW this got deep and depressing, let’s just go kill things.

**Roxas:** You got it! *kills some Heartless* So what’s with these scratch marks on the floor?

**Axel:** …Fuck.

**Roxas:** What is it?

**Axel:** Block pushing puzzles.

**Roxas:** …Oh balls.

**Axel:** Yep. *does nothing to help you push things*

**Roxas:** *climbs on top of shit* Oooooh a lever!

**Axel:** Pull the lever, Roxas!

**Roxas:** *pulls the lever, grinning evilly*

**Axel:** *falls through a trapdoor* WRONG LEVAAAAAAaaaaahhh…

**Roxas:** *cackles*

**Axel:** *teleports next to Roxas again with an alligator nomming his butt* Why do they even have that lever… *slaps the alligator away and it runs off whimpering like a kicked puppy*

**Roxas:** That happened with Xigbar before.

**Axel:** And you didn’t think to warn me?!

**Roxas:** And miss that look on your face? Not in a million years, pal!

**Axel:** Fuck you and the Keyblade you rode in on. *pulls the other lever*

**Door on the other side of the room that you have to shove things in order to reach:** *opens*

**Roxas:** I hate block pushing puzzles. *has to push the block all the way to the other side of the room again in order to get up there* There’s a thing up here.

**Axel:** Eh, check it out later.

**Roxas:** You’re the boss, boss. Okay, what’s in this room?

**Axel:** You hit that switch on the floor so pillars move so you can get to higher areas to progress.

**Roxas:** I no longer enjoy Agrabah.

**Large Armor:** *descends from the ceiling*

**Roxas:** I really no longer enjoy Agrabah.

**Axel:** Looks like its only weakness is its head.

**Roxas:** I read in the dossier that it hates fire. Axel, do the thing!

**Axel:** What thing?

**Roxas:** …Use Fire magic?

**Axel:** I don’t know what you’re talking about.

**Roxas:** Fucking AI… *eventually kills it and takes the pillars to another door at the top of the room*

**Axel:** There is literally nothing to do in here right now, let’s get out—

**Roxas:** NO FALL DAMAAAAAAAAAGE! *jumps to what should be his death but of course isn’t*

**Axel:** Oy vey. *jumps down with him* Hey, it’s that area from before.

**Roxas:** Sick, more Heartless!

**Axel:** Roxas do NOT swing that Keyblade so far you fall off this platform or so help me—

**Roxas:** I know magic too, dickwaffle. Considering I’m the only one who knows how to use it anymore…

**Axel:** I _just_ got back from a long-term mission and Saïx wouldn’t let me sleep, and I was so used to the card system that I forgot to equip Fire panels, okay?!

**Roxas:** Okay, we’re done, it’s fine now, let’s RTC so you can sleep.

**Axel:** Sure, but let’s stop for ice cream first.

**Roxas:** So you can ingest _sugar?_

**Axel:** Watching the sunset helps me relax.

**Roxas:** Okay, fair enough. And now to backtrack _aaaaaaall_ the way back…Ooh, Purebloods!

**Axel:** Can you not.

**Roxas:** You don’t have to fight, you could just sit there and watch.

**Axel:** …Nah, I’m too out of practice. Also I refuse to let you lord this over my head for Saïx later.

**Roxas:** Come on, I wouldn’t do that! _I’m_ not an asshole!

**Axel:** Well that just means I have to step up my training, then! *grins cheekily*

**Roxas:** Okay, we’re here, let’s leave.

**Axel:** Last one to Twilight Town buys ice cream!

**Roxas:** Hey, no fair with the head start, you prick!

**Axel:** *after Roxas buys them both ice cream and they’re both sitting on top of the tower* You look like you’ve gotten more cheerful.

**Roxas:** Because you came back alive after I thought you were dead, you should’ve seen me in the interim. Actually, you look marginally happy as well.

**Axel:** You know, you’re right. That guy just spreads joy wherever he goes, I swear…

**Roxas:** What’re you talking about?

**Axel:** …You of course. It’s thanks to you that we get to sit here again and laugh while…having ice cream.

**Roxas:** The way you said that made it seem like you were insinuating something.

**Axel:** Giving the slash fans more bait amuses me.

**Roxas:** No kidding. *takes another bite of his ice cream and looks at the entrance to the top of the clock tower* I wish Xion would just show up here already.

**Axel:** So do I, actually, you keep hyping her up so much that I really want to meet her now.

**Roxas:** I imagine she feels the same way about you by this point.

**Axel:** Heh. Well, some other time, huh?

**Roxas:** Looks like…HOLY FUCK I JUST LEARNED CURE.

**Axel:** YOU LUCKY SHIT.

~Fucking love Cure magic…~

_Ice Cream with Axel_  
Me and Axel got a mission together today! I’d actually think Saïx was doing us a favor if I didn’t actually know the guy! Anyway, we ended up going to Agrabah. He seems different now that he’s back from CO, in a good way I think. Ice ream was just the two of us today.

I’m so happy to have my first friend back, but I still wonder when me and Axel and Xion will all get to have ice cream together. I want more friends, and I want my friends to be friends. Then we could all be friendly friendship friends of friendliness.

( _Human_  
The longer you know someone, the less you need to speak in clear terms. Everything gets across with a wink and a nudge, a little reading between the lines…

When it comes to what befell our late comrades at Castle Oblivion, ambiguity suits me just fine. I really don’t want to talk to anyone about it any more than I have to.

But the Keyblade master and Roxas come out and say every little thing that comes to mind. Maybe that’s human, or maybe they’re just better at handling trauma. I envy that kind of personality. Well I would if I knew how to feel envy…which I seem to be remembering more and more the more I hang out with that Somebody and his Nobody…)


	9. This, Uh...Th-This Town...There's Something WRONG With It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Hey My Laptop Was Dead But I'm Back Now:** _Silent Hill 2, Dragonball Z,_ Dragonball Z Abridged, Super Best Friends Play, _Pokémon, Resident Evil, Archer, Harry Potter,_ A Very Potter Musical, Naruto: The Abridged Comedy Fandub Spoof Series Show, and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Day 73: The Promise~ 

**Roxas:** Let’s see who’s here today…Luxord…Saïx of course…Xaldin…Balls, she’s still not here… 

**Axel:** I’m here too! 

**Roxas:** That’s nice, seen Xion anywhere? 

**Axel:** Not since I got back, and rarely even before I left, why? 

**Roxas:** It’s been roughly ten days since I saw her last. I’m starting to get worried. 

**Axel:** That’s rough, buddy. I’m sorry I’m not very helpful, but I ditched you guys almost as soon as Xion started being around so I wouldn’t know where to start with her. 

**Roxas:** Crap baskets, I wanted her to hang out with us and have ice cream. 

**Axel:** And the more you say it, the more intrigued I get. So I’m gonna go bully Saïx into telling me for you, m’kay? 

**Roxas:** Thanks! I’d do it myself, but… 

**Axel:** Saïx is scary beyond all reason? 

**Roxas:** Yeah, that’s it. 

**Luxord:** I didn’t return until late yesterday night. It has been tough with so few of us… 

**Roxas:** Yeah, maybe that’s why I never see Xion, maybe she’s just that busy… 

**Xaldin:** Do you have any Blazing Shards, Roxas? 

**Roxas:** Only like 57,656,364, why? 

**Xaldin:** Gimme. 

**Roxas:** Help yourself. 

**Xaldin:** Cool. Here. *trades Blazing Shard for Frost Shard* That’s all, Roxas. Get back to work. 

**Roxas:** Huh. Neat. 

**Axel:** I’ll ask him about Xion. Go take care of your mission. 

**Roxas:** Okay… 

**Saïx:** Yet another new world for you to check out. 

**Roxas:** Good, I’ve been wanting adventure in the great wide somewhere. I want it more than I can tell. 

**Saïx:** …Just go kill the Sergeant. 

**Roxas:** M’kay. *goes to Beast’s Castle* How do I even know this is _Beast’s_ Castle, I’ve never met Beast. 

**Beast:** *roars loudly* 

**Roxas:** …And I’m not entirely sure that I want to…Great guy, I’m sure, but he has to work on his first impressions. But right now I’m gonna assume it’s the Heartless I’m supposed to take out. *starts killing weaker Heartless on the bridge* Hmm…Xaldin was really nice to me before I got to Beast’s Castle…And I’m currently on a bridge…And people complain about Xaldin a lot for some reason…Eh, I’m sure it means nothing. Oh _fuck_ these Bad Dog Heartless. Huh, the main door is locked from the inside, that’s…reasonable considering I was planning on breaking and entering. IF ONLY I HAD A KEY THAT COULD OPEN ANY LOCK. Or I could push statues onto platforms, either way. *does the thing* 

**Secret door in wall of castle:** *opens* 

**Roxas:** Well that was convenient. Like, really convenient. Like stupidly obviously convenient. *shrugs and goes inside* Oooh, this is new. Considering I’ve never been to this world I don’t know _how_ it’s new but I’m sure it is somehow. *sees a door that’s been blocked off by the Squiggly Black And White Organization X Of Death* …I thought this was a new world, how can they possibly know the layout already. Meh. *continues down hidden hallway and massacres all Heartless in his path* There is a hole in that wall that does not have a Squiggly Black And White Organization X Of Death in front of it. And as this loops around otherwise I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that I have to go through it. *goes through it and is now inside the castle proper* …WELL THAT FUCKING WORKS. Aww, I wanted to go into the ballroom…The fuck is it so quiet in here, anyway. 

**Sergeant:** I’m really just a larger Soldier. 

**Roxas:** That’s…lame. *beats him easily* KABLAMS. And now I’m done, I’m out. 

**Beast:** *roars again* 

**Roxas:** I’m _really_ out, I don’t care if it’s another Heartless or something else, I am _done_ for today. *backtracks all the way to the Dark Corridor and heads to Twilight Town* …And now not even Axel’s showing up, great…Least I got a backpack upgrade… 

~I actually kind of miss writing the ice cream scenes, hope they show up properly soon.~ 

_Where’s Xion?_  
After I finished my mission I wanted all three of us to have ice cream, but I couldn’t find Xion. It’s been at least ten days since I’ve seen her. 

Axel said he’d ask Saïx what was going on. Speaking of Axel, I didn’t see him at the clock tower today. 

( _What Now?_  
So here’s an explanation of why I haven’t been showing up lately. It’s because I lost the ability to use the Keyblade, and I have no idea why. I don’t know what to do about it. About anything. It was kind of my whole identity, and I really don’t think I have anyone to turn to at this point. 

It happened suddenly, after Roxas woke up. If I can’t collect hearts anymore, the Organization has no use for me. This is terrible. I can’t even go to Roxas or that Axel guy because I don’t want to disappoint them. I have to figure this out on my own. LET’S SEE HOW WELL THAT GOES.) 

~Day 74: Trio~ 

**Roxas:** Okay, I’m starting to get sick of the spoilery nature of the day names. “Will the Organization ever defeat Frieza? Find out next time on 358/2 Days: Frieza Defeated!” 

**Axel:** Hey, how ‘bout yet another spoiler for a title, amirite? 

**Roxas:** Tell me about it, now I feel awful about barely sleeping last night; now all the tension is drained out of everything. 

**Axel:** Well I _did_ get Saïx to tell me about Xion. 

**Roxas:** And since we’re definitely gonna hang out today, this’ll be a total piece of cake— 

**Axel:** She was sent out on a mission that she never came back from. 

**Roxas:** …Okay now I’m worried. 

**Axel:** There’s butterflies in your stomach and they’re all throwing up. 

**Roxas:** Exactly. 

**Axel:** Don’t worry, bud, we got this. 

**Roxas:** How’s that? 

**Axel:** Our mission today is to drag her ass back to the Organization and find out what happened. 

**Roxas:** THAT IS AMAZINGLY HELPFUL. Wait, did Saïx really do that for us? 

**Axel:** *actual dialogue* No, I made it all up. Go back to bed. 

**Roxas:** WHY IS THE WRITING IN THIS GAME SO GOOD. 

**Axel:** Because it is, now get your ass moving so we can find your friend already! 

**Roxas:** I _shall!_

**Luxord:** Xion’s whereabouts? Shall I ask the cards for you? 

**Roxas:** …No, I’m good. 

**Demyx:** Have you been doing much synthesis, man? See if you can cook something up out of two Potion panels. Lemme know when you’re through. 

**Roxas:** …I’ve been through since before the coma, dude. 

**Demyx:** Hey, you did it! Synthesis is real handy. Keep it in mind! Here, you can have this. *gives Roxas Combo Tech* Would it kill them to give us a day off now and then? 

**Saïx:** Yes. 

**Demyx:** *mutters* Then please, don’t hesitate. 

**Saïx:** I heard that. 

**Demyx:** Crap baskets. 

**Axel:** *cackles in the background* Oh, Roxas, they think Xion’s in Twilight Town somewhere. Take this, just in case. *gives Roxas Hi-Ether* 

**Roxas:** Thanks, bro. 

**Axel:** We’ll go when you’re ready. 

**Roxas:** I am the ready. 

**Saïx:** Don’t come back until you find out what happened to Xion. 

**Roxas:** I have absolutely no problem with that. *heads to Twilight Town with Axel* So where do you wanna look first? 

**Axel:** Wherever a giant Heartless is; that was her original mission. 

**Roxas:** …So where do you wanna look first? 

**Axel:** Iunno. Let’s just ask around town I guess. You hear anything about a giant monster, you’ll know where to look for Xion. 

**Roxas:** Sounds good, let me just grab this chest first—WHAT THE FUCK IS A CYMBAL MONKEY. 

**Axel:** *laughs at Roxas’s pain* 

**Roxas:** As always, you’ve been a huge help! *kills Heartless* Okay, now let’s _actually_ look. 

**Axel:** There are people here. 

**Roxas:** Shouldn’t we be hiding? 

**Axel:** Eh…Nah. 

**Hayner:** I am disbelief. 

**Olette:** Well don’t be, why would I make it up? 

**Hayner:** Fine, where. 

**Olette:** In the tunnels, the moaning came from there. 

**Hayner:** Moaning, huh? You sure it wasn’t someone in pain? Or…some other feeling? 

**Olette:** They didn’t sound like those kinds of moans, dude, either or. 

**Roxas:** You think that’s it? 

**Axel:** I think that might be it. 

**Roxas:** Heartless being scary or Xion being injured? 

**Axel:** Yes. So we should go there now. 

**Roxas:** Indeed. But neither of these two are moving, and I’m curious about other people. 

**Axel:** Okay, just don’t get too close…Wow, you’re really getting in there, aren’t you… 

**Hayner:** You need to get your ears checked, Olette. 

**Olette:** I’m not making it up! Also forget ears, I think we both need to get our _eyes_ checked since neither of us can see the two clearly evil bastards that are standing right next to us right now. 

**Roxas:** Okay, I’m done, let’s head to the tunnels. 

**Axel:** Finally. *follows Roxas into the tunnels* …Hey, what’s that written on the wall there? 

**Wall:** GARY WAS HERE. ASH IS A LOSER. 

**Roxas:** Think Xion wrote it? 

**Axel:** Somehow no. *turns around* Nothing but some random bitch Heartless. 

**Roxas:** *kills the random bitch Heartless* 

**Axel:** Damn you’re getting good at this. 

**Roxas:** Thanks. Hey, here’s another one… 

**Different wall:** There was a HOLE here. It’s gone now. 

**Roxas:** …On second thought, I don’t think Xion wrote it. 

**Axel:** I’m kinda hoping she did, I’d want to hang out with her even more. Oh, cutscene. 

**Roxas:** One where we stand around and mourn the fact that Xion isn’t here. 

**Axel:** Plus side, no Heartless in this area for once. Down side, there aren’t any Heartless that she might’ve been looking for. 

**Pence:** I AM NOTICING YOU. 

**Roxas:** …Should we hide? Or subdue him or something? 

**Axel:** Does it look like I care? 

**Roxas:** … 

**Pence:** You guys lost or something? 

**Axel:** Someone is. You hear that strange moaning? 

**Pence:** Someone in pain or someone doin’ it? 

**Axel:** Apparently neither. 

**Pence:** Must just be the vent then. 

**Axel:** …It was the fucking wind. 

**Pence:** Yep! 

**Axel:** Fuck me. 

**Roxas and Pence:** Not now, I have a headache. 

**Axel:** You both suck. 

**Roxas:** *laughs* 

**Pence:** We should totally hang out some time! 

**Roxas:** I could see that happening! 

**Pence:** Wait, you said someone was lost? 

**Roxas:** I did indeed. She’s a friend, we’ve been trying to find her for a while. 

**Pence:** Wow, I’m sorry. Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help. 

**Roxas:** Much appreciated. 

**Axel:** So what’re _you_ doing down here? 

**Pence:** Hidin’ bodies. 

**Axel:** Cool. 

**Pence:** Oh, I’m Pence, by the way. 

**Roxas:** And we refuse to introduce ourselves! 

**Pence:** Awesome! Bye now! *leaves* 

**Axel:** See? It really doesn’t matter what Vexen tells you, you can interfere whenever you want and rarely are there consequences. 

**Roxas:** Good to know. But now we have to start our search over. 

**Axel:** This one’s gonna take a while, isn’t it… 

**Roxas:** Let’s backtrack and eavesdrop on those other two again. Who knows, it could lead to something. 

**Axel:** I’m down. 

**Pence:** *is still in the area despite visibly leaving* Hope you find your friend! 

**Roxas:** Thanks pal! *backtracks through the tunnels to where Hayner and Olette are still talking* 

**Hayner:** So where did Pence say he was going again? 

**Olette:** To hide the rest of the bodies, I think. 

**Hayner:** Man, how many will it take before he’s satisfied? 

**Olette:** As many as it takes, I guess. I think there’s still a decomposing corpse at the usual spot. He tried to cover it up, but you can still smell it. 

**Hayner:** Gross. 

**Roxas:** I WONDER WHERE THEIR USUAL SPOT IS. 

**Axel:** I GUESS WE’LL NEVER KNOW. 

**Hayner:** Aw, crud…I think I forgot to shut the fence outside the usual spot. 

**Roxas:** Wait, we had a fence? 

**Olette:** Hayner, it’s on a side street. Who’s gonna go anywhere near it, aside from the two people who are standing right next to us and listening in on our conversation that we somehow don’t notice! 

**Hayner:** Yeah, seriously. 

**Olette:** Whose idea was it to put the usual spot under the tracks, anyway? You need earplugs in there. 

**Hayner:** It’s _fine._

**Roxas:** Well that was enlightening. *heads instantly for the usual spot as this was made post KHII so _everyone_ knows where it is* Oh yeah, this stinks. Also that ladder’s old and that sofa’s old and that dartboard doesn’t have any darts and there are crates fucking everywhere. 

**Axel:** I can see why you never do recon. 

**Roxas:** Shaddup. Wait, there’s something behind the oil drum…Oh, it’s that dead body that girl was talking about! 

**Axel:** Well whaddaya know! 

**Roxas:** Oh, there’s also a piece of paper with notes on it. 

**Axel:** “Spooky Steps”? “Friend From Beyond The Wall”? _How_ are these still not solved a year later. 

**Roxas:** You forgot that was in a digital wo—dimension. 

**Axel:** Oh yeah, forgot that was somehow possible except it’s really not for a moment there. Oh look, moaning tunnel. 

**Roxas:** So Pence made this? 

**Axel:** “The Doppelganger”…“The Animated Bag”… 

**Roxas:** “Ghost Train”, “Haunted Mansion”…They’re all from the beginning of KHII. 

**Axel:** Ah, continuity tie-ins. Gotta love ‘em. 

**Roxas:** I sure does. Now let’s go talk to Pence again. 

**Axel:** …Why do you want to ask him about a moving bag or some crap? You wanna prepare for your part in KHII already or something? 

**Roxas:** That, and Pence obviously knows a shitton about the place where he lives. Maybe he could tell us where we’d most likely find a gigantic Heartless. 

**Axel:** Sounds fair. *follows Roxas back to Pence* 

**Pence:** …What are you doing back here already? 

**Axel:** Wanted to ask you a question. 

**Pence:** Ask away. 

**Axel:** …Is there anything weird going on here? Besides all the rampant murder, of course. 

**Pence:** Well now that you mention it, strange black monsters in various different shapes are popping up all over, along with the occasional homicidal gumball machine. Only a few places seem safe. 

**Axel:** Also not relevant, I’m sure that’s not important. I meant something dumber. 

**Pence:** Oh, like how there are all these shit coincidences people buy into for no good reason because they’re dumb and superstitious or whatever? 

**Axel:** Exactly! 

**Pence:** Sure, I’ll tell you about those. Assuming you slog through an annoying quiz section. 

**Roxas:** Oh come the fuck on. 

**Pence:** What? I like to torture my victims before I rip out their throats! It’s all to get a sense of what you think of the town. 

**Axel:** I think this town sucks shit. I think you suck shit. 

**Roxas:** It’s really great aside from the horrible murder. 

**Pence:** Lovely, I can see your deaths being incredibly bloody indeed. Now what’s at the top of Station Heights? 

**Roxas:** The plaza. 

**Pence:** What’s on the bulletin board for Station Heights? 

**Axel:** An ad for sea-salt ice cream. 

**Pence:** How many cars are in the train you can see from the Station Plaza? 

**Roxas:** Oh, fuck, uh…One? 

**Pence:** …Okay, you guys can live. 

**Axel:** How kind of you. 

**Pence:** So yeah, the shit I wrote down on the map is all complete and utter bullshit. 

**Roxas:** Why am I not surprised. 

**Pence:** As you shouldn’t be. 

**Axel:** So talking to you was a complete waste of time, huh? 

**Pence:** Aside from one of the trees in the forest, probably. 

**Roxas:** …Trees? I don’t remember that one in KHII. 

**Pence:** If you shake one of the trees, there’s the sensation as if an earthquake has happened, it’s weird. 

**Roxas:** …How does a normal human shake a tree? 

**Pence:** Iunno, must be one of the smaller ones. Still, there’s always the sense that you’re being watched, even though it’s deserted aside from the constant threat of monsters, so there’s that part of it as well. 

**Roxas:** Huh. 

**Pence:** I was planning on debunking that one as well as soon as I finished hiding this last family. 

**Axel:** Cool. 

**Pence:** Welp, I’m gonna get back to trying to shove them down the drains here. Don’t tell anyone, ‘kay? 

**Roxas:** Of course not! *after he leaves* Well that was a waste of time. 

**Axel:** Or you’re a dumbass who didn’t realize there’s a Heartless hidden in the trees. 

**Roxas:** …Oh. 

**Axel:** C’mon, let’s see if that was what Xion was looking for. 

**Roxas:** Right in front of you! *leads the way to the forest, obviously pausing to murder Heartless and pick up chests along the way* So…We just bash trees until something happens? 

**Axel:** Sounds like a good plan, I am a fan of this plan. 

**Roxas:** *hits all of them until he hits the right one* …Well the ground certainly did start to shake… 

**Axel:** Where’s the camera gonna point to now? 

**Camera:** WHAT A MANSION! 

**Axel:** DON’T LET IT GET AWAY! 

**Roxas:** …You’re not moving either— 

**Axel:** YOU’RE NOT MY SUPERVISOR! 

**Veil Lizard:** *appears* 

**Roxas:** That’s a thing. 

**Axel:** No wonder Xion had trouble! It was invisible! *starts squeeing* Dude, you know what? You know what’s better than being invisible? 

**Roxas:** What? 

**Axel:** Being invisi _blessed._

**Roxas:** What, what kind— 

**Axel:** ‘Cause you’re _SO INVISIBLE!_

**Roxas:** Who cares, this doesn’t answer where Xion went! 

**Axel:** Probably still trying to _find_ it. 

**Roxas:** Well she’s not gonna pass the Hufflepuff exam, that’s for sure. 

**Axel:** What the hell is a Hufflepuff? *summons chakrams* C’mon, talking to that Pence kid put me in the mood for a little murder. You up for it? 

**Roxas:** Always. *summons Keyblade and starts attacking Veil Lizard alongside Axel* 

**Xion:** *runs out of the forest and heads right for the Veil Lizard* 

**Roxas:** Could you not?! 

**Xion:** *gets distracted* Roxas? *gets hit* …Ow?! 

**Roxas:** Fuck, that was on me, wasn’t it. 

**Axel:** Probably, but we have to murder shit first, okay? 

**Roxas:** *murders it as quickly as he can* You okay, Xion? 

**Xion:** That was you, Roxas… 

**Roxas:** Seriously, are you injured? Do you need a Hi-Potion? *helps her to her feet* 

**Xion:** N-No, I think I’m good. Unless maybe you have any Ethers? 

**Roxas:** As a matter of fact— 

**Axel:** Your MP’ll come back by tomorrow, and we don’t have anything else to do today, so how ‘bout we RTC so you can recover properly, Girl With Hood? 

**Xion:** … *turns to Roxas* Who’s this clown? 

**Axel:** *sputters incoherently* 

**Roxas:** What were you even talking about anyway, her hood isn’t…Oh forget it, I say we head to the clock tower. 

**Axel:** Good idea, she deserves some icing on the cake. *leads the way there* Here ya go. *hands out the popsicles* 

**Xion:** You’re very kind. 

**Axel:** I try. I just wish you’d take off that hood. Are you that ashamed of how the mission went for you? 

**Roxas:** *is staring at Xion’s black hair and blue eyes, but decides to eat ice cream in silence and worry about Axel later* Xion, your popsicle’s melting. 

**Xion:** I noticed. 

**Axel:** What’s wrong? I thought you’d be hungry. 

**Roxas:** _Is_ it because the mission took so long? 

**Axel:** We’re here if you need to rant, you know. I know I’m new to you, but any friend of Roxas’s is my friend too, okay? 

**Roxas:** What he said. 

**Xion:** …Yeah, so I can’t use the Keyblade anymore. I’ve been relying on magic, but it’s not nearly enough, and I don’t know if I’m technically collecting hearts without it. 

**Roxas:** It apparently counts when I do it. 

**Xion:** But I don’t know if my magic is still actually tied to the Keyblade or if it’s just me, like with Axel’s powers over fire or Vexen’s over ice or whatever. 

**Roxas:** When did this start… _not_ happening? 

**Xion:** Around the time you woke up from that coma. 

**Roxas:** Huh, weird. 

**Axel:** Eh, I’m sure it doesn’t mean anything. 

**Xion:** I’m sure you’re right. But if I don’t defeat Heartless with the Keyblade, the hearts they release will just find their way into other Heartless instead. And I think I just bullshat my way through Heartless continuing to pop back up whenever you revisit old locations, at least in the original KH and in KHII; they were created from the hearts released by Donald and Goofy, making them and anyone else who joins your party except for maybe Riku even more dead weight than anyone initially realized. What fun. *sighs* I just feel so fucking useless! This was basically my one purpose in life and now it’s been taken away from me! 

**Roxas:** Axel, you’ve been part of the Organization longer than either of us, and you have some sway over Saïx. Can you do anything to help? 

**Axel:** No, not really, no. 

**Xion:** Saïx is gonna turn me into a Dusk, isn’t he. 

**Axel:** Maybe not a Dusk, maybe a Dancer or a Samurai or something. 

**Xion:** *eyeroll* Oh good, that makes everything better. 

**Roxas:** Since you apparently can’t see her face, she just eyerolled. 

**Axel:** Wait, you _can_ see her face?! 

**Roxas:** Of course I can! Now fucking think of something already, you huge poo-babby! 

**Axel:** I’m trying, I’m trying…And I think I have something! 

**Roxas:** Do you have something? 

**Axel:** Your face is dumb. But I think you just have to work double duty! 

**Roxas:** Heh heh, duty—wait, what? 

**Xion:** What’re you saying? 

**Axel:** Xion, find some way to convince Saïx to let you go on missions with Roxas until you can use the Keyblade again. That way, Roxas can do all of the everything and no one’ll notice that you’re having issues! 

**Roxas:** AXEL WHY ARE YOU AMAZING. 

**Axel:** Because I’m awesome. Uh, you do know that you’ll be doing the equivalent of two missions a day, right? 

**Roxas:** I’m cool with that! 

**Xion:** Are you? Are you _really?_

**Roxas:** I just said I was! 

**Axel:** Friends gotta learn to accept help from one another every now and again. Working as part of a team is way more effective than working alone, am I right, Roxas? 

**Roxas:** Absolutely! 

**Xion:** …Did you really mean it when you said we were friends, Axel? 

**Axel:** …That face…Y-Yeah, I told you, any friend of Roxas’s is a friend of mine. 

**Roxas:** Oh, you can see her face now? 

**Axel:** Yeah… 

**Xion:** Roxas, does the same hold true for us? Is any friend of Axel’s a friend of ours? 

**Roxas:** You’d think, but his bestest buddy is Saïx, so… 

**Xion:** Oh…Probably not, then. Sorry. 

**Axel:** Oh believe me, I get that he’s not the easiest person to get along with. So…eat up before your ice cream melts. 

**Xion:** Oh, right! Sorry! 

**Axel:** And stop apologizing. 

**Xion:** No. 

**Roxas:** Heh. 

~Wow, two chapters for only three days. Either I gotta step it up or it was only these particular days that were long.~ 

_The Three of Us_  
My job today was to help Axel find Xion. Sometimes I almost think Saïx is nice to us. Or Axel just has a lot of sway over him, either way. It turns out she had gone missing after never coming back from a mission, but we managed to find her. Since apparently we’re the only ones who care since the rest of the Organization is a bunch of utter _shitbags _…__

__We finally got to all have ice cream together, which was nice, but Xion can’t use her Keyblade anymore, which is less nice. Axel says friends help each other out, so I’m gonna go on missions with her until she remembers how to work the Keyblade herself. Hopefully that won’t take five years. Or maybe I don’t hope that since I’ll get to hang out with a friend, I’m kind of conflicted on this one._ _

__( _Xion’s Face_  
Honestly, I never got why Roxas was so crazy about Xion. I know they both joined up around the same time, and they’re both rookies, but how do you get close to somebody who hides their face all the time? Maybe it was just a crush even though I apparently didn’t know Xion was a girl before today. _ _

__Well, I saw it today. All of a sudden, No. XIV up and takes off…her hood. Xion is officially biologically female, and she looks just like Naminé. Which means that either Nomura-sama-sensei-senpai-san-sama only knows how to design a limited amount of female faces, or that there’s something very strange going on._ _

__Kun.)_ _


	10. 'Till The End I Am Stuck With You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Still Playing Catch-Up Here:** Pokémon ‘Bridged, Super Best Friends Play, _Princess Bride,_ Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, _Archer, Avatar: The Last Airbender, Silent Hill 2,_ Marik plays Vampire Rain, A Very Potter Musical, _Scooby Doo, Firefly,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Day 75: Inseparable~

**Xion:** Morning, Roxas.

**Roxas:** DUDE I LEARNED AIR SLIDE YESTERDAY WE NEED TO CHECK THAT SHIT OUT.

**Xion:** I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE THAT.

**Roxas:** Okay, let’s nut up and talk to Saïx.

**Xion:** Man am I glad you’re with me on this.

**Roxas:** I know, he terrifies me as well.

**Saïx:** So the two of you want to work together?

**Xion:** Yeah, why, is there something wrong with that?

**Saïx:** You must understand that we’re down to almost half our original number. Ideally, we would space you out more in order to cover more ground.

**Roxas:** But if the two of us worked together, we figured that we would be able to handle more difficult missions, and not die. You don’t want us to die, do you?

**Xion:** Yeah, having a partner is excellent motivation for us.

**Saïx:** …What does “motivation” mean?

**Roxas and Xion:** …You seriously don’t know?

**Axel:** Yep, that’s Saïx for you. Motivation is something that drives you forward in your endeavors, doucheface. These two want to work together, and if you let them they _will_ do better. Got it memorized?

**Saïx:** I got it memorized, but I still don’t get it.

**Axel:** Look, both of them are obscenely short, right? I figure two small people would make one decently-sized person.

**Xion:** If we stand on each other’s shoulders, we’re like eight-and-a-half feet tall.

**Roxas:** No, more like seven-and-a-half. ‘Cause you’re like three feet tall. You’re like an escaped Oompa Loompa.

**Saïx:** …I’m so confused.

**Roxas:** Dude, _we can double-team tougher Heartless and not die. HOW IS THIS A BAD THING._

**Saïx:** …As you wish.

**Roxas and Xion:** …Uh—

**Axel:** I do not think he means what you think he means.

**Roxas and Xion:** Gotcha.

**Xion:** Let me give you this before we take off. *gives him Panacea* Let’s go, Roxas.

**Roxas:** Just as soon as I talk to everyone else.

**Axel:** You and her will make it work. Just keep it subtle, yeah?

**Roxas:** Not a problem!

**Axel:** By the way, have you been filling the Bonus Gauge completely, Roxas?

**Roxas:** Been trying!

**Axel:** The Organization rewards guys who do thorough work. Give it a try. Fill the gauge for Days 51 or 57, then come see me. Saïx may have something for you.

**Roxas:** Done.

**Axel:** Oh, hey! You filled up the Bonus Gauge. That’s great. Somebody’s an eager beaver!

**Xion:** I didn’t know Roxas had a beaver!

**Axel:** I think Saïx put together a special mission for you. Go ask him for the details.

**Roxas:** M’kay, just gimme a sec.

**Moogle:** Working as a pair, now? Do this Moogle proud, kupo.

**Roxas:** *buys and synthesizes shit*

**Xaldin:** Hmph…Off with you now.

**Roxas:** …Okay…

**Saïx:** Make sure you succeed or this arrangement comes to an end.

**Xion:** …No pressure, got it.

**Axel:** You and Xion play nice, now!

**Roxas:** YOU’RE NOT MY SUPERVISOR! *leads Xion to Agrabah*

**Xion:** So we’re actually investigating that cave thing now?

**Roxas:** Uh-huh. Me and Axel found it last time; I had a feeling it would come into play again.

**Xion:** How’d you find that thing, anyway?

**Roxas:** Stalked a giant talking cat who wore human clothing for a while, nothing special.

**Xion:** …ALL RIGHTY THEN. We going?

**Roxas:** We going. *starts to lead the way*

**Xion:** *sees a chest behind them* …You ever notice how, even though we usually come to the same worlds every day, each day there are more treasure chests and they’re almost always in vastly different places?

**Roxas:** …Huh. Never noticed that until you pointed it out, that is odd. It’s also odd that we’re surveying this new place now for the first time and yet we already know that there are eight chests total.

**Xion:** Weird. How’re we gonna rationalize this one?

**Roxas:** I have no earthly idea. Shit, Heartless.

**Xion:** I’ll cover you with magic!

**Roxas:** You seem to be very good at that!

**Xion:** Wait, we’re not the only ones here!

**Roxas:** You mean the Scarlet Tango? We already fought a bunch of them, how’re you—Oh, the monkey. I knew that.

**Xion:** Do we save the monkey?

**Roxas:** I think we save the monkey. *summons Keyblade* Why are there now five million Heartless.

**Xion:** Dude, there’s only like four. That keep respawning okay you win this round.

**Roxas:** Well at least they seem to have gone away now.

**Abu:** *applauds them and runs off*

**Roxas:** Saw that same monkey last time. Wonder if we’ll see those other two…

**Xion:** …So no manga scene where I catch Abu after he stole an apple and we get a cameo of the big hand-cutting merchant guy as he’s berating Aladdin?

**Roxas:** Apparently not, sorry.

**Xion:** Aww, I wanted to accidentally chat with Aladdin.

**Roxas:** I know, I sowwy.

**Xion:** Well at least the monkey dropped a piece of _fucking materia._

**Roxas:** That indeed looks like fucking materia. Which is strange, I don’t remember there being a Final Fantasy crossover section in Agrabah. Olympus yes, never Agrabah.

**Xion:** …Should we take it?

**Roxas:** I leave the choice up to you.

**Xion:** …Imma do it. *picks up the fucking materia and pockets it* I don’t know why, but I’m always inexplicably happy that our outfits have pockets, I don’t know what it is.

**Roxas:** Well while you try and figure it out, let’s head down the secret tunnel.

**Avatar hippies:** *burst into song* _SECRET TUNNEL, SECRET TUNNEL!_

**Roxas:** That’s enough out of you. *leads the way to the Cave of Wonders*

**Xion:** That is a very large tiger head.

**Roxas:** And it is a cave. We must jump into its mouth.

**Xion:** I do not like this plan.

**Roxas:** Me neither, honestly, but I swear it’s just a cave.

**Xion:** Okay… *follows him in* This is not how I pictured the layout of this place.

**Roxas:** Right?! *leads the way up to one of the higher platforms*

**Xion:** This plaque…What do you make of it?

**Roxas:** There’s a hole here.

**Xion:** *puts materia in hole* It’s gone now.

**Boxes:** *rise up everywhere*

**Marik:** Heh heh, foxy boxes.

**Xion:** Well that was ridiculously convenient!

**Roxas:** Let us move on.

**Xion:** M’kay. *follows Roxas into the next room where they jump up all the pillars…well, Roxas jumps up, Xion teleports to his side whenever she falls down*

**Roxas:** You have _got_ to teach me how to do that sometime.

**Xion:** Maybe if I feel like it.

**Roxas:** So what are these boxes that popped up anyway?

**Xion:** Iunno. LET’S BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF IT.

**Roxas:** I WILL FOLLOW YOU TO THE ENDS OF THE UNIVERSE. *hits it*

**Box:** *lights on fire*

**Roxas:** …OKAY, TO THE OTHER TWO WE SOMEHOW KNOW ABOUT.

**Xion:** Right behind you! *keeps falling down but teleporting back*

**Roxas:** I can’t take you anywhere, can I. *goes into the next room and finds another block* Hitting this one won’t work this time.

**Xion:** I could try actually setting it on fire—

**Roxas:** Don’t be stupid, we have to hit them in order. That first one had just the one cross on each side, this one has three. Clearly this one has to be done last.

**Xion:** That sounds arbitrary and annoying.

**Roxas:** Now you’re catching on! NO FALL DAMAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaage! *jumps to what should be his death but isn’t*

**Xion:** I love no fall damage.

**Roxas:** Me too. Huh, the floor right here is cracked.

**Xion:** How old is this shit?

**Roxas:** Iunno, all I know is that ten thousand years’ll give you such a crick in the neck.

**Xion:** …What does that have to do with anything?

**Roxas:** No idea, it just came to mind.

**Xion:** Whatever, just hit the number two box.

**Roxas:** You really like hitting things, don’t you.

**Xion:** Well as I kind of _can’t_ right now…

**Roxas:** Gotcha, gotcha. *hits the latest box* AND NOW TO GO ALL THE WAY BACK TO THE LAST BOX AGAIN.

**Xion:** WHEEEEEEEE THIS IS SO MUCH FUN AND NOT REPETITIVE OR ANNOYING AT ALL WHEEEEEEEEEEEE~!

**Roxas:** Damn it! I’m so good at jumping and platforming! Everyone’s _not_ upset that that took me ten years! *hits the number three box*

**Platforms:** *miraculously appear, connecting the platform Roxas and Xion are standing on to yet another door*

**Roxas:** Oh, I know what to do now! *hits a switch that was next to the new platforms*

**Gate:** *opens*

**Roxas:** TIME TO MOVE!

**Xion:** Don’t fuck up. Don’t fuck up, Roxas, don’t you fuck it up—

**Roxas:** I’ll fuck you up you keep talking like that—BOOSH! *makes it through the gate* …Everything got blue randomly. And there’s a statue of a huge ape or something holding a large gemstone.

**Xion:** …Are we…done?

**Roxas:** I think so!

**Xion:** AWRIGHT, POPSICLES HERE WE COME!

**Pete:** WHAT THE DEVIL IS GOING ON HERE?!

**Roxas:** …Crap baskets.

**Pete:** You can’t have the magic lamp, only I can have the magic lamp!

**Roxas:** …Gwah?

**Pete:** Don’t play dumb, I know you know about it! And I want you to know you’re not gonna get it, you got it?

**Xion:** Why do we have to fight this complete non-enemy?

**Roxas:** I don’t know, let’s just fight him so we can leave.

**Xion:** That works. *helps Roxas beat the shit outta Pete*

**Pete:** *sniffs* That hurted my feelings!

**Xion:** Why aren’t we finishing him off again?

**Roxas:** I honestly couldn’t say.

**Rock:** *falls on Pete’s head*

**Boulders:** *start falling from the ceiling*

**Pete:** Zoinks! *I shit you not, he actually says “Zoinks”* I’m outta here! *leaves*

**Roxas:** Wait, we have to finish you off!

**Xion:** Do that when we inevitably run into him again, right now we have to leave before we die.

**Roxas:** Agreed, let’s teleport out of here.

**Xion:** Oh how I love scene transitions.

**Roxas:** Tell me about it. Never thought I’d be glad to be in the middle of the desert in the sunlight.

**Xion:** So was that the guy you and Axel stalked?

**Roxas:** Yep.

**Xion:** He mention the lamp then?

**Roxas:** I think so, yeah.

**Xion:** …There’s a giant floating carpet behind you.

**Roxas:** Huh? *turns around* SUDDEN SORA FLASHBACK.

**Xion:** Who’s Sora?

**Roxas:** Probably not important, what is important is whatever this is that I’m looking at right now.

**Xion:** Is it gonna attack us, or…?

**Roxas:** Doesn’t seem like it.

**Xion:** …I think you have a secret admirer!

**Carpet:** *nods*

**Roxas:** … _How._

**Carpet:** *shrugs*

**Genie:** That’s a very good question!

**Roxas:** WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU COME FROM.

**Xion:** And what/who are you.

**Genie:** You want to know who I am?!

**Xion:** …That was kind of the point of asking, yeah.

**Genie:** Hang on, gotta be wacky, let me set this up… The name is Artist Formerly Known As Genie Of The Lamp! But as I’m no longer Of The Lamp, you can just call me Genie. Oh, and this is the Magic Carpet. *sticks out a giant hand* NICE TO MEET YA!

**Roxas:** …You too?

**Genie:** …You don’t sound very pleased to see me.

**Roxas:** Well in the manga, we met after you helped us defeat a giant boss Heartless that was terrorizing Agrabah. That was the hypest shit and I guess I wanted it to turn out more like that.

**Genie:** That is a very fair point. So…Who are you two supposed to be, anyway? I don’t know why but I’m getting a _very_ familiar feeling when I look at you two…

**Roxas:** …Uh…

**Xion:** *whispering* Try to deflect the question.

**Roxas:** *whispering* _You_ try to deflect the question!

**Genie:** Oh whatever, it’s probably not important, I’ll just talk about myself instead. So I was swinging by Agrabah to check up on my friendly-friends, right, when Carpet ditches me because he indicated he recognized someone.

**Carpet:** *nodding at Roxas*

**Roxas:** …Dude, we’ve never met.

**Genie:** That’s what I’ve been trying to tell him! And I was really looking forward to a nice reunion, too…You _positive_ we know these kids, Rugman?

**Carpet:** *nods some more*

**Roxas:** …So Agrabah’s that place over there, right?

**Genie:** Yep! It’s my bestest friendly-friend’s hometown! Man, when we first met, Al and I were inseparable!

**Xion:** Hey, it’s today’s title!

**Genie:** Well, as inseparable as a master and an indentured servant can get, anyway…But then he proved his friendship by setting me free, and me and Carpet took a break by either transporting people to hidden bosses or never getting summoned ever. After that we kinda flew around aimlessly, just seeing the sights, and now we’re back to check on Al.

**Roxas:** Why? If you were finally free, wouldn’t you want to see everything there is to see that’s not here?

**Genie:** Sort of, but you know what they say, there’s no place like home! Also I got to worrying about my friendly-friend, like ya do.

**Roxas:** Why? Was there something wrong with this Al?

**Genie:** Nah, I don’t think so anyway. I just get worried from time to time slash just want to see him, you know? Also there’s this girl he likes, and I’m legit curious as to how those two are doing, and I guess the infrastructure of the city is another plausible concern of mine apparently. Well it would be, they live there… *actual dialogue* And once I get something on my mind, I can’t knock it out — tried everything: dynamite, sledgehammers, tweezers…

**Xion:** I have a feeling that would’ve been funnier if you were allowed to do anything other than float there in the DS version.

**Genie:** Yeah, imagine if this part was animated!

**Xion:** But yeah, the city’s gone to shit. They’re trying to fix it up, but we just barely escaped from a collapsing cave nearby not two minutes ago.

**Roxas:** There have been a lot of sandstorms recently, and the city’s been getting hit pretty fucking hard.

**Genie:** WHAT?! Man, I could fix it up in the blink of an eye with my magic…

**Roxas:** Don’t. I know you wanna pull another moment from the manga and eavesdrop on Al so you could actually see him and his girlfriend and hear it from their own mouths, but instead take my word for it: They don’t want your help.

**Genie:** …What.

**Roxas:** He doesn’t want to rely on you for every little thing anymore, and he wants to help rebuild by himself, and the people of Agrabah, without magic.

**Genie:** …I can see how the manga version was infinitely more heartwarming. But I’m still gonna listen to what he said.

**Roxas:** Really? You’re not gonna ignore him and help anyway?

**Genie:** I’d really love to, but I’m gonna respect Al’s wish on this, as I always have.

**Roxas:** …Huh.

**Xion:** So about the part where the mission was over like four hours ago?

**Roxas:** Oh yeah.

**Genie:** Still, I doubt Al can go up against a freakin’ _natural disaster_ without a little help. *magics away the sandstorm*

**Roxas:** …Weren’t we supposed to fight a boss Heartless or something?

**Xion:** I think we’ve all been gushing over the manga a little too much.

**Roxas:** You’re probably right.

**Genie:** Now that that’s over with…Who _are_ you people?!

**Roxas and Xion:** *have already fucked off*

**Genie:** …Dafuq.

**Roxas and Xion:** *are now on the clock tower eating ice cream* Well that was fun, wasn’t it.

**Axel:** So, how’d it go?

**Xion:** It didn’t suck.

**Roxas:** Aside from having to fight that Pete guy, it didn’t suck.

**Xion:** And the puzzles and backtracking.

**Roxas:** Those two things were also not fun.

**Xion:** Still, no one suspects anything, so there’s that.

**Axel:** Dudes, I caught Saïx actually looking up the dictionary definition of “motivation” earlier.

**Roxas and Xion:** *guffaw and have a lovely chortle-fest as Axel sits down next to Roxas*

**Xion:** You two ever worry about falling off?

**Axel:** Meh.

**Roxas:** No fall damage, remember?

**Xion:** Oh yeah. *munch on ice cream with the other two*

**Roxas:** Wait, Axel, where did you get _your_ ice cream?

**Axel:** Had it up my ass.

**Roxas:** Ick.

**Axel:** So what’s this about Pete and puzzles?

**Roxas:** Oh, we had to check out that cave you and I found in Agrabah that one time.

**Axel:** Oh, on that apparent desert planet?

**Xion:** We ran into a reject from the Blue Man Group as well. He really wanted to help out his friend, but decided not to in the end at his friend’s request. I guess you can’t always help your friends if they don’t actually want your help.

**Axel:** Damn right. Sometimes, no matter how much they care about you, people just want to be left alone to either solve their own problems or just fucking _recharge,_ gorram it.

**Roxas:** But he said that he and this “Al” guy were inseparable, though.

**Xion:** Despite not actually seeing each other for months at least.

**Axel:** So? We were still friends even though I was at Castle Oblivion, right, Roxas?

**Roxas:** Of course!

**Axel:** See? Best friends can still feel close to each other like that.

**Xion:** …Are best friends different from normal friends?

**Axel:** Yep, normal friends you know and care about, but _best_ friends are the ones you show your true self to. They accept you fully and completely for who you are, they don’t judge you, they let you know when you’ve fucked up, and they’re the ones who stick with you when all your other friends have outgrown you.

**Roxas:** How do you know all that?

**Axel:** …Actually, I have no idea, I don’t have a best friend.

**Roxas:** …Well you’re an asshole.

**Xion:** Not even Saïx?

**Axel:** *bursts into uncontrollable laughter*

~Well that was kind of dickish of Axel to say that right in front of both Roxas and Xion.~

_Inseparable_  
Me and Xion are working together. Solving the problems. It’s gonna be fun when we solve science. The Genie we met in Agrabah said he and his friend Al were “inseparable.” Don’t know about him and Carpet, though. Axel told us best friends can be inseparable even if they’re not always together, but it sounded like he wasn’t too sure about it himself. Or he just sucks at explaining things.  
I thought Axel knew everything. Probably just because he’s older than me. Oh well. I’ll expect less of him next time.  
That reminds me, those weird pictures flashed through my bottom head screen thing in my mind palace while I was in Agrabah. The guy in red I wrote about before…Has he been to Agrabah or something? Many a time? Mostly for leveling up and Trinity-related purposes?

( _Gotta Do Something_  
Roxas has been coming along on my missions to help out, since I can’t use the Keyblade. Axel is covering for me, and surprisingly Saïx suspects nothing, probably because of Axel again, so I should be safe for now. But what am I going to do if I never get the Keyblade back? I can’t lie forever. There’s a word for this. It’s called cumulative effect. Or possibly deleterious effect. What I’m saying is this will have a long-term negative impact on the group.)

~Eh, it’s _fiiiiiiiine._ ~


	11. Yeah It Sucks, But What Can Ya Do?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Okay, We're Caught Up Now, Back To Tuesdays:** Pokémon ‘Bridged, Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, _Naruto, Harry Potter,_ Super Best Friends Play, Hellsing Ultimate Abridged, Linkara, Twisted: The Untold Story Of A Royal Vizier, _Team America World Police,_ Goblet of Fire Rifftrax, _Game of Thrones, Monty Python's Life of Brian,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and or Squeenix.

~Day 76~

**Roxas:** Good morning, Xaldin!

**Xaldin:** Wasting two members on a single mission…Amateurs.

**Roxas:** …Good to see you too. Dick.

**Xion:** Hello everyone! I have nothing of interest to say!

**Roxas:** Good for you.

**Xion:** IGNORE ME!

**Axel:** Recycled Dialogue No Jutsu!

**Roxas:** Curses, my one weakness!

**Saïx:** I actually have nothing to say, just do missions good.

**Roxas:** Okay, let’s try for the emblems one.

**Saïx:** Oh yeah, that one you’ll _desperately_ need Xion’s help for.

**Axel:** Wow, you remembered what sarcasm was! Good for you!

**Xion:** *muttering* He knows the concept of sarcasm but not for motivation?

**Axel:** Eh, he’s a weird guy.

**Roxas:** Let’s just head to Twilight Town for now.

**Xion:** *following Roxas as he runs around and tries to get all the emblems while also killing Emblem Heartless* …You know, I think this would be a lot easier if you knew Hi-Jump and Glide and things.

**Roxas:** I think this would be a lot easier if we split up and you _helped me as is your current fucking job description._

**Xion:** The AI’s not programmed that well, what do you want from me.

**Roxas:** For you to go fuck yourself.

**Xion:** Later, right now let’s just complete the mission as best we can and complete it fully when we’re able to.

**Roxas:** I’m actually gonna retry a few more times just to see if I can make it at this point.

**Xion:** *sing-song voice* It’s not going to _wooo-ooork~!_

**Roxas:** Not with that attitude! *tries several times* …Okay fuck it, I’ll do it later!

**Xion:** You have learned well, my young Padawan.

**Roxas:** I AM SEVEN OR EIGHT DAYS OLDER THAN YOU.

**Xion:** *cackles to herself*

~Day 77~

**Roxas:** Absolutely nothing new to say?

**Xaldin, Xion, and Axel:** Nope!

**Roxas:** OKAY, LET’S KILL RANDOM SHADOW GLOBS FOR NO APPARENT REASON.

**Xion:** *follows him to Agrabah* You know, I actually think I might’ve been able to take this one myself, since it’s not like there are any hearts involved.

**Roxas:** Yeah but then you got these Large Armor dudes.

**Xion:** Oh yeah, good point. Lame name, don’t you think?

**Roxas:** Quite.

**Xion:** So we filled our quota…but we’re totally gonna get the rest of them, aren’t we.

**Roxas:** Eheh…I’m kind of a completionist…

**Xion:** That’s fine, this is a pretty easy mission.

**Roxas:** And done, wanna RTC? And by RTC I presumably mean go out for ice cream?

**Xion:** That’s pretty much what all three of us mean all the time now, isn’t it.

**Roxas:** Basically, yeah.

**Xion:** Okay, let’s have fun and chat offscreen presumably maybe.

**Roxas:** WHEEEEEEEEEEE~!

~Day 78~

**Saïx:** Are you gonna do the actual required mission now or not.

**Roxas:** Sure, fine, whatever. *leads Xion to Beast’s Castle*

**Xion:** Okay, so today we’re exploring this place? I’m actually surprised someone else hasn’t done it already.

**Roxas:** Dude, you know we’re shorthanded.

**Xion:** Xaldin didn’t look like he was doing anything.

**Roxas:** Point, but I’m not brave enough to argue with either him or Saïx.

**Xion:** So we probably shouldn’t get caught this time, considering the last world we explored was this big open market where, even if we were the only ones there, it’s feasible for random people to show up for no reason. This particular planet somehow only seems localized to this one castle, and this time it can be easily argued that we’re breaking and entering. We should _definitely_ avoid people if at all possible if that’s truly the case.

**Roxas:** That was clever, why aren’t you in charge.

**Xion:** That’s actually a neat idea, what’s the worst that could happen?

**Roxas:** _You’re_ the worst that could happen.

**Xion:** And fuck you too. And for actual reasons, as you said a few days ago, you’re roughly a week older than me _and you can actually use your fucking Keyblade._

**Roxas:** …You ever think we’re being monitored when we do missions? We have the ability to relive memories/entire days, after all; what if other members can spy on us with that seemingly-omnipotent technology?

**Xion:** I really try not to think about it because I don’t want you to be right.

**Roxas:** Yeah. Anyway, there wasn’t anyone here last time I came here, which would actually kind of be hilarious if we did the other bonus mission first instead of going in order since I would’ve skipped over the talking clock that we clearly both witnessed, but as it is I only heard a large growling noise that may or may not have just been a random Heartless.

**Xion:** The what now?

**Roxas:** Oh, there seems to be some kind of nameless horror scampering about the Death House.

**Xion:** Neat. You think we’ll run into it?

**Roxas:** Probably eventually, Saïx’ll be sure to sprinkle as many trips here as Twilight Town and Agrabah now that we actually have a new place to come to.

**Xion:** True enough. Shall we?

**Roxas:** Ladies first.

**Xion:** Which is why I’m waiting for you to move.

**Roxas:** You cheeky dick-waffle! *leads the way down the hidden passageway* Dafuq is a Sergeant doing here.

**Xion:** Clearly because it hates you. *casts support magic to help Roxas finish it off*

**Roxas:** These crates are covered in dust.

**Xion:** What’s the betting that we’re the only ones who have come through here in some time.

**Roxas:** You’re probably not wrong. *goes around the area and sees a big stain glass window* It’s a big stained glass window.

**Xion:** … *starts a slow clap*

**Roxas:** I KNOW RIGHT?!

**Xion:** *starts slow clapping her face* I…I’m gonna…punch your face.

**Roxas:** The investigation’s gonna go a lot better now that we know that, though—

**Xion:** I’m gonna kill you.

**Roxas:** *leads the way outside and runs up to one of the gargoyle statues* I USED THESE TO SOLVE A PUZZLE ONE TIME.

**Xion:** The hell prompted you to do that?

**Roxas:** Besides the fact that it was transparently a video game puzzle?

**Xion:** *deadpan* Did it open the secret area we were just in?

**Roxas:** HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT.

**Xion:** IT’S A MYSTERY.

**Roxas:** SHOULD WE BE YELLING?

**Xion:** PROBABLY NOT. *sees the giant white and black Organization X covering the door to the bridge* If we’re gathering intel on this area, why do we have a map already, and how do the other members know which rooms are relevant to this particular mission so they know which sections of the castle to block off?

**Roxas:** It’s magic, you don’t have to explain it.

**Xion:** I disagree.

**Roxas:** Well shut up and look at these bread crumbs.

**Xion:** DUDE I LOVED THAT SCENE FROM THE MOVIE.

**Roxas:** You’d think it’d be a bit more wintry right now but I guess I understand that they’d feed the birds more than once in their whole lives.

**Xion:** Wanna head inside the castle proper?

**Roxas:** Sure, I’m game. *goes inside* FUCKING SERGEANTS.

**Xion:** Oh quit whining, they’re not even that tough, and the Bad Dogs are way more annoying besides.

**Roxas:** The things you have just said are true. Hey, the save game room’s locked.

**Xion:** Considering we can just save the game whenever we want I don’t think they saw the need to include it in this installment.

**Roxas:** You’re probably right. Oooh, claw marks on the wall!

**Xion:** Heartless, or that thing you heard? Which also might’ve been a Heartless?

**Roxas:** No clue. Also this one particular wall over here is filthy. Apparently. It’s got a weird texture to it in any case.

**Xion:** Why do you think that is and why do you think the demonic furniture suck at their jobs?

**Roxas:** Hey yeah, where _is_ all the demonic furniture, you’d think at least _something_ would’ve noticed the racket we’ve been making.

**Xion:** I’m honestly surprised the statues outside weren’t alive.

**Roxas:** Likewise. C’mon, let’s head up the only side of the stairs we can right now.

**Xion:** _Again,_ why—

**Roxas:** Because shut up.

**Xion:** Crap baskets. And I _really_ wanted to see the ballroom too.

**Roxas:** You’re not the only one, believe me.

**Lumiere:** I AM TALKING TO MYSELF.

**Xion:** Shit, we should probably hide.

**Roxas:** This is a good plan, I like this plan. *sneaks up on Lumiere*

**Xion:** …That doesn’t seem very smart—

**Roxas:** Shh!

**Lumiere:** The master has to come out of his room eventually…Damn it, we never should’ve gotten him Hulu Plus! *hops away*

**Xion:** So? What did you see?

**Roxas:** A walking talking candelabra.

**Xion:** …This planet’s weird.

**Roxas:** Yes it is. Sounded like it had a boss, though.

**Xion:** Demonic furniture with a boss. Okay. Now I’ve seen everything.

**Roxas:** Really? Have you ever seen an ant eat its own head?

**Xion:** …No.

**Roxas:** Then you _haven’t_ seen everything. And neither have we.

**Xion:** …So I kinda think we’re done here…

**Roxas:** What, you don’t wanna see who the boss might be?

**Xion:** NO.

**Roxas:** Tough, I’m a completionist, remember?

**Xion:** Oh I hate you so much right now. Also you _suck_ at stealth missions!

**Roxas:** That’s just because it’s a new mechanic that was only introduced very recently, I’m sure I’ll get the hang of it with practice!

**Xion:** I somehow severely doubt that.

**Roxas:** *manages to run past Lumiere’s convenient line of vision a little bit* A bucket and a mop? How is the mop at least not alive?

**Xion:** It’s probably asleep or something. *follows Roxas onto the stairs by jumping to save time* How does the candelabra not notice us killing Bad Dogs _right the fuck next to him._

**Roxas:** Well it’s not like it has ears.

**Xion:** Good point. *follows him into the west wing* …Snapper Dog. Great.

**Roxas:** And I’m a dog person too, why aren’t there ever any evil cat-like Heartless, cats are dumb bitches. *kills everything* There are more claw marks on this wall as well.

**Xion:** Sounds like we’re dealing with one pissed-off Heartless.

**Roxas:** These are some weird-ass footprints.

**Xion:** They almost look like human footprints except that they don’t. They’re huge, too.

**Roxas:** Well you know what they say about big feet!

**Xion:** No I don’t, and who’s they?

**Roxas:** The people who make insinuations about there being some correlation between foot and genital size! Them! And you know what they say, right?

**Xion:** They say—

**Roxas:** Yes! They say that if your feet are big then so, too, are your genitals! Ha ha, which is not true at all! Wonder why they say that?

**Xion:** Why _who_ says that?

**Roxas:** The people who make insinuations—

**Xion:** _Can_ we get on with the mission?!

**Roxas:** …Yes. Look, the footprints lead into that room back there.

**Xion:** …The one that the ominous sound just came out of?

**Roxas:** That be the one. I…vote we _don’t_ go inside and check it out.

**Xion:** Good idea. You should take a peek between the doors instead.

**Roxas:** Wha— _You_ do it!

**Xion:** Well I don’t wanna!

**Roxas:** Why did I even agree to take you on these missions…

**Xion:** So I could serve as your back-up, duh! Now go peek, and I’ll watch your back while you get your face ripped off!

**Roxas:** Oh thanks _ever_ so much, you massive bitchlord. *peeks* Oh hey, it’s Beast looking at the rose.

**Beast:** This is post-Hollow Bastion, why isn’t she joining me for dinner, the continuity makes no sense, it’s not as if this is the beginning of the movie, _we’ve already known each other for-fucking-ever._. Although that might be part of it, she might want some alone time because of PTSD flashbacks of getting kidnapped and possibly tortured by Maleficent…in which case I am being such a huge douchenozzle right now for not being receptive to her needs…But still, I thought she loved the gray stuff! It’s delicious!

**Roxas:** I have a feeling that I should be way more terrified right now, but I’m too busy fangasming over one of my favorite Disney movies of all time, so…

**Xion:** So? What up?

**Roxas:** DUDE THIS IS FROM BEAUTY AND THE BEAST I’M SO HYPED! I JUST WANNA TAKE TONS OF DRUGS!

**Xion:** HOLY SHIT I LOVE THAT MOVIE. Why did we not put two and two together with the candelabra from earlier.

**Roxas:** Well we _kind of_ did, the continuity of what we actually know and the constant breaking of the fourth wall has never been super consistent in any of these parodies.

**Xion:** I WANNA SEE, I WANNA SEE. *shoves Roxas aside and peeks*

**Roxas:** … _Ow?!_

**Xion:** I want this guy to be my father and my uncle and my brother.

**Roxas:** RIGHT?! Oh, but we know from the movie that he’s not really appreciative of unwanted guests, so we should probably leave before he notices us.

**Xion:** Ha, I love how we’re given the option to think that he ate the castle’s actual master, that’s…actually kind of prejudiced, huh, I’m sorry I laughed.

**Roxas:** Is it prejudiced, or is it perfect and accurate.

**Xion:** It might be perfect, it might be prejudiced, it might be perfectly prejudiced.

**Roxas:** Unconfirmed prejudice. But no, it’s his, though. It’s the planet’s fucking _name,_ after all.

**Xion:** Weirdly I don’t think we know the name going in, considering you didn’t seem to know what Agrabah was called until Genie told you. Wait, we do know what this planet’s called, what gives.

**Roxas:** Meh, continuity, this series has none.

**Xion:** Also if we knew the name of the planet then actually seeing a beast should not be so shocking, or at least not as shocking as the demonic furniture.

**Roxas:** I refer you to my previous point.

**Xion:** You think he’s fighting the Heartless, or you think he’s too oblivious to even know they’re around.

**Roxas:** Well we know he’s staying inside his room a lot, but that might be because that room is one of the few safe places that Heartless can’t get into. It is known, Khaleesi.

**Xion:** It is known.

**Roxas:** And those claw marks could’ve been from previous incursions…Or he’s just an angry guy who thankfully chooses to lash out at walls instead of people. Unless the walls are also people. Which would suck.

**Xion:** I have a sudden burning desire to either see the movie entirely or at least belt out the songs. Let’s RTC/go to the clock tower and sing off-key with Axel.

**Roxas:** I somehow doubt my voice would be off-key…

**Xion:** It might, I don’t have my auto-tuner with me.

**Roxas:** Oh fuck off.

**Xion:** How shall I fuck off, O Lord?

**Roxas:** I present to you the edge of my dick. Please fuck off from it. *leads the way to backtracking* Huh, now I can hear a voice from behind the locked save game room door, even though I know for a _fact_ that Belle’s room is elsewhere.

**Maybe Cogsworth:** Well I’m _mentioning_ Belle, at any rate.

**Roxas:** There are noises behind this door as well.

**Xion:** I don’t hear it.

**Roxas:** Because you’re not standing remotely close to the door right now!

**Xion:** I told you, my AI is shit, lay off me!

**Roxas:** Looks like we have to check all the doors in order to one hundred percent this. Can I use that as a verb?

**Xion:** You just did, I don’t see why you should stop.

**Roxas:** There are voices behind this door as well, but I can’t make anything out.

**Xion:** I doubt the game designers even designed the room beyond this door so let’s not even bother.

**Roxas:** Not even a peek through the keyhole on this last one?

**Xion:** I will burn your dick off.

**Roxas:** You do and I’ll freeze your tits off.

**Xion:** Asshat.

**Roxas:** Bitchlord.

**Xion:** …We got this insult-based humor between friends thing down cold, don’t we.

**Roxas:** We sure do, now deduce something so we can leave, you’re smarter than me anyway.

**Xion:** I DON’T THINK ANY OF THE INHABITANTS WITHIN THIS CASTLE HAVE THE APPEARANCE OF BEING HUMAN.

**Roxas:** Why whatever gave you that idea besides everything we’ve just seen and the fact that we’re both huge fans of the movie.

**Xion:** You hyped for the live action one?

**Roxas:** I feel like I shouldn’t be because fuck all this uncreative bullshit done for a quick cash-in…but dat cast list tho…

**Xion:** RIGHT?!

~Day 79~

**Roxas:** *doesn’t even bother talking to anyone this time, just drags Xion to Beast’s castle again and starts killing things indiscriminately until they actually go inside the castle again*

**Cogsworth:** No matter her efforts the master’s still being a huge poo-babby for some reason…

**Xion:** We should probably hide or something.

**Roxas:** Imagine if we’d done this mission before the previous one, that would’ve just added more to our theory of no one possessing human shape.

**Cogsworth:** And again, this is _post-Hollow Bastion,_ why don’t they have a better thing going on?! I seriously think we should talk him into getting professional help.

**Xion:** A walking, talking clock now.

**Roxas:** Sure, why not.

**Xion:** Well this’ll be one to tell Axel later.

**Roxas:** You think we’re telling Axel about any of this?

**Xion:** I think we must be, none of our missions seem especially classified.

**Roxas:** That’s true. So…You think we should stop stalling and just get on with the stealth mission?

**Xion:** No, I think we should stall more.

**Roxas:** And those two chests are right in his field of vision too, this’ll be a bitch… *fucks up several times before succeeding; luckily there are no lasting consequences beyond supreme annoyance and possibly a broken thrown DS in these kinds of missions* Oooh, new area!

**Xion:** I love how we can RTC when we kill the Snapper Dog, but the gauge is filled completely once we got rid of the two smaller Bad Dogs.

**Roxas:** Aww, I wanted to go into Belle’s room!

**Xion:** I’d call you a creeper if I didn’t want the same thing, I love her so much!

**Roxas:** Best Disney princess by far!

**Xion:** No she’s not!

**Roxas:** What, Anna again? She’s okay, but—

**Xion:** No, Mulan somehow qualifies, in Disney marketing if not this game or her planet.

**Roxas:** Oh she does? Then I rescind all previous statements.

**Xion:** Thank you. Now let us get the fuck out.

**Roxas:** Good idea, I think we’re back to the main plot after this!

**Xion:** FUCKING FINALLY!

~I love side missons and bonus shit, but when the game is actually divided by days like this? Kind of weirdly intimidating.~


	12. All The Crap That You Put Me Through

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Yay I Love Being On Time For Once:** Pokémon ‘Bridged, Dragon Ball Z Abridged, _Snakes on a Plane, Monty Python’s Flying Circus,_ JewWario, Super Best Friends Play, _Resident Evil, Firefly,_ Twisted: The Untold Story of a Royal Vizier, Naruto the Abridged Comedy Fandub Spoof Series Show, and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Day 94: Hearts~

**Roxas:** …There is no one here today.

**Saïx:** Because Lord Xemnas has summoned us for a meeting today. Didn’t you get the memo?

**Roxas:** Evidently not. *follows him up to where the rest of the remaining members of the Organization have gathered*

**Xemnas:** YO CHECK OUT THIS SICK MOON TWO OF US MADE. I will now list off emotions as if I still know what those are. Imma call this moon Kingdom Hearts in the entirely vain hope that the title of the franchise will make some amount of sense. We may or may not be creating an entirely new planet here, I’m still not sure how this works. *turns around* My friendly-friends!

**Xigbar:** *is reading a magazine*

**Demyx:** *is asleep*

**Roxas and Xion:** *are trying in vain to pay attention*

**Luxord and **Xaldin:**** *are yawning widely*

**Axel:** *looks bored*

**Saïx:** *viciously hates every last one of them*

**Xemnas:** So we going organ harvesting or what, what’s the plan here.

**Roxas:** *back in the main room* Well that was weird and bordering on nonsensical.

**Xigbar:** Wow, we can even see Kingdom Hearts from here now.

**Roxas:** You’re just saying that because the walls in this room are almost entirely made of windows.

**Xion:** Don’t fuck up today, m’kay?

**Roxas:** I could say the same about you, missy.

**Axel:** Hey, are you remembering to grab treasure chests, Roxas? How about a little friendly competition? I’ve got eighty chests opened by now. If you can match that, I’ll give you a prize. You game?

**Roxas:** Er, I haven’t really been keeping count—

**Axel:** How goes the treasure hunt? Hey, looks like you’ve hit eighty! I guess you just one yourself this. *gives Roxas Lightning Shard*

**Roxas:** …That happened.

**Axel:** You play nice with Xion, now!

**Saïx:** Kingdom Hearts is apparently thirsty. Go harvest some organs.

**Roxas:** Will do! Ooh, Neoshadows! Which are Purebloods and therefore I can’t harvest hearts from them.

**Saïx:** Just complete the fucking mission.

**Roxas:** You’re the boss, boss. *leads Xion to Beast’s Castle again* While I really like the Neoshadows’ design, I don’t like how they and regular Shadows tend to slink under the floor where you can’t hit them. We could be here all day waiting for them to attack us.

**Xion:** Well at least we can actually do our job of collecting hearts by killing Emblems we meet along the way.

**Roxas:** True enough, I guess. *exits hallway and sees Lumiere pacing around* FUCK THESE STUPID FUCKING STEALTH SEGMENTS.

**Xion:** Wonder why he never hears us shouting.

**Roxas:** Who knows.

**Lumiere:** Surely there must be a way for the master and Belle to just fuck already…

**Xion:** Always weird to see people actively shipping real actual people.

**Roxas:** Especially if it’s a fucking candle stick.

**Lumiere:** If they do not…I owe Cogsworth twenty francs! Oh and I’ll be stuck in this form forever I guess. Time to try talking to Belle again…

**Roxas:** So he’s been transfigured, then.

**Xion:** That’s…excessively harsh. Wonder if this Belle person is the same.

**Roxas:** So the Beast has been arguing with, what, an actual bell?

**Xion:** Nah, too on the nose.

**Roxas:** A _candelabra_ named _Lumiere,_ a _clock_ named _Cogsworth,_ a _teapot_ named _Mrs. Potts—_

**Xion:** All right, I get it!

**Roxas:** Good, now let’s forget the plot of the movie for now and murder shit.

**Xion:** I do like to murder shit… *follows Roxas through a new door* You think we would’ve covered this area when we first surveyed the place.

**Roxas:** I’d probably be more weirded out by that as well if not for these two giant Snapper Dogs in this room that are kind of distracting me right now. *kills them and heads into the hidden hallway from KHII*

**Xion:** Oh hey, Neoshadows.

**Roxas:** Looks fucking _beast._

**Xion:** Oh I get it. I understood that joke.

**Roxas:** Good, now help me kill it.

**Xion:** M’kay. *helps Roxas kill it* …Was that it?

**Roxas:** Nope, there are like two more right behind you.

**Xion:** Oh. Crap baskets.

**Beast:** That is IT! I have _had_ it with these _motherfucking Heartless_ in my MOTHERFUCKING CASTLE! *gets rid of both Neoshadows with one slice each* …How do I not notice the small child persons. *leaves*

**Xion:** HOW DID HE NOT FUCKING NOTICE US.

**Roxas:** Good to know he’s been fighting the Heartless, though, even if he can’t harvest organs from them so they just reform somewhere else, most likely still in the castle.

**Xion:** I’m surprised he even knows what they are.

**Roxas:** There’s probably a story behind that, but I’m sure it’s not important. What does interest me is that the boss of _this_ castle fights the enemies himself, while the master of _our_ castle would tell Saïx to tell us to fight them off for him instead. I mean, the Beast has servants who can do that for him, couldn’t he?

**Xion:** Oh yeah, that little clock could do _so much_ …Did you just refer to us as Xemnas’s servants?

**Roxas:** No, I referred to us as Saïx’s servants.

**Xion:** …Funnily enough, I can’t really argue with that. Though neither he nor Saïx really cares about anything, but maybe the Beast does. You’re at your strongest when there’s something you want to protect, after all.

**Roxas:** MY BRAIN HURTS.

**Xion:** *tries to take off his cloak to look at the problem*

**Roxas:** NO MY BRAIN IN MY HEAD.

**Xion:** Oh. Let’s go home and have Axel take a look at it or something.

**Roxas:** MY HEAD IS MADE OF BUTTER.

**Xion:** And here we go.

**Roxas:** I’M A PRETTY POMEGRANATE.

**Xion:** Hurg. *drags Roxas all the way to Twilight Town*

**Axel:** *is already eating ice cream at the clock tower* So, how’d it go?

**Roxas:** It’s going.

**Xion:** Roxas took out a single tough Heartless in less than a minute!

**Axel:** Hey, great job!

**Xion:** And then a native of that planet took out two more of them in less than a swipe each!

**Roxas:** I WILL FUCKING RIP OUT YOUR RIBS AND STAB YOUR EYES OUT WITH THEM.

**Xion:** Go ahead, it’ll take you so long that I’ll be able to get away with minimal damage.

**Roxas:** FUCK YOU.

**Xion:** Snappy comeback.

**Axel:** Slow enough to kill anything that gets away. *cackles as they sit down next to him, ice cream miraculously in hand*

**Roxas:** …So I still have no idea what we’re fighting for.

**Axel:** …Were you not listening to Xemnas’s lecture earlier?

**Roxas:** Not really. What _is_ that moon thing, anyway?

**Xion:** It was created purely out of harvested organs. Somehow. *pause* He really said that, right, I’m not completely bullshitting that right now, he actually said that?

**Axel:** Yep! And despite you two gathering thousands if not hundreds of thousands of hearts, we still apparently need more if we’re going to transplant just the nine we need for the remaining Organization members.

**Xion:** …ALL RIGHTY THEN.

**Roxas:** But who cares, though.

**Axel:** Gwah?! _I_ care! How could you _not_ care?!

**Roxas:** Who cares if we get hearts? I’m asking this honestly, I don’t get it.

**Axel:** …Well that only took you ninety-four days to get around to caring about.

**Roxas:** Hey, I barely understood what was happening until today. And frankly I’m still confused.

**Xion:** So am I, really.

**Axel:** Meh. Once we get those hearts, it’ll all be cleared up for us anyway.

**Roxas:** If you say so.

**Axel:** I do say so!

~Do the immoral thing we’re not fully explaining because we said so.~

_Kingdom Hearts_  
Xemnas summoned us. Nothing he says ever makes any sense to me…I think I just broke the fourth wall and spoke the thoughts of every single Kingdom Hearts fan in the universe. Anyway, he showed us Kingdom Hearts, a big heart-shaped moon floating in the sky, and said the human heart will never have power over us. Great…I guess? So why are we trying to get hearts again?

Axel said I’ll understand better once I have a heart, but I’m really starting to think he’s just pulling shit out of his ass so I don’t get in trouble with Saïx or some garbage…

( _All Goes Apace_  
The hearts collected by our two Keyblade wielders, Roxas and Xion, have gathered together; and now, almighty Kingdom Hearts waxes large in the night sky. I wonder if I’m Saïx or Xemnas. Or if there’s much of a difference at this point.

Our efforts have come to bear fruit, nearly ripe for the plucking. I feel like I should stop with the metaphors lest I sound extra creepy and pretentious. All plans proceed smoothly — alarmingly so, in fact, though this is no time to be deterred by paranoia. Except that one should be cautious at all times in cases like these since the moment we start to relax is usually the moment everything goes tits up, but what do I know.)

~Day 95: Nobodies~

**Xion:** Ready for another day?

**Roxas:** Maybe, gimme a minute. *equips new Valor Gear to make Midnight Roar* Now I feel strong, like I have a _huge_ dick.

**Axel:** Good luck with work.

**Roxas:** Thanks, bro.

**Xaldin:** Have you been completing challenges? You ought to. Show me how well you can perform in the challenge for Mission Sixteen. Once you’ve earned at least one Challenge Sigil in that mission, we’ll talk.

**Roxas:** Good thing I’ve been doing various challenges offscreen. Page. Whatever.

**Xaldin:** Ah, you have the Challenge Sigil. Good. Continue your training. And take this for your effort.

**Roxas:** *obtained Iron* Oh good, this thing I already have tons of, spectacular…

**Xaldin:** Made any progress in your training?

**Roxas:** In the past seven seconds? No, I don’t think so, no.

**Xaldin:** What a complete and utter failure.

**Roxas:** *runs off crying, dragging Xion to Agrabah as he goes*

**Xion:** I love days when we just have to kill shit.

**Roxas:** _I_ love days when we don’t have to go to the tiger head cave!

**Xion:** That is also enjoyable, yes. *helps Roxas kill things for awhile*

**Roxas:** Okay, there’s nothing else to murder here, let’s meet up with Axel.

**Xion:** I wonder what kind of missions he’s doing.

**Roxas:** That’s actually a very good question. *goes to the clock tower where he, Axel, and Xion all inexplicably have ice cream already*

**Axel:** So I take it things are going well?

**Roxas:** Oh yeah, when they’re not stealth missions they’re a breeze. What about you? What’re you up to lately, we were wondering.

**Axel:** Actually, I was at Beast’s Castle. They had me on janitorial duty there for some reason, Iunno, I just do what Saïx tells me to do. What about you two? What’d you get up to?

**Roxas:** I’m getting really sick of Agrabah, to be honest. The murder just doesn’t seem so sweet there.

**Axel:** I’m glad that this little charade I proposed is becoming so easy that you two are getting bored with it.

**Xion:** You’re right. It is a blessing. Which is why I’m worried that we won’t be able to keep it up for much longer.

**Roxas:** You probably just jinxed it.

**Axel:** No, I’m with her on this one. The remaining Organization members aren’t completely stupid, aside from Demyx, and even he can accidentally notice things sometimes.

**Xion:** Well as long as we don’t noticeably fuck up in a way that can’t be covered up.

**Roxas:** Saïx is too oblivious and aloof to take much of an interest, Xigbar doesn’t seriously care enough to do anything, Luxord’s too self-absorbed, Xaldin…I’m actually kind of worried about, Demyx I’m far less worried about, and Xemnas is never around to pay any attention. Really I’m just worried about the one guy.

**Axel:** Your analyses are tough but fair.

**Roxas:** I still think you’re worried over nothing as far as Demyx is concerned, though.

**Axel:** What do you mean, I have every reason to be worried, Demyx is far cleverer than he looks I can’t finish this sentence without laughing.

**Xion:** I still can’t believe that that sitar is his _weapon._ He’s not even that good!

**Roxas:** How’s his waterbending?

**Axel:** Not nearly as strong as my firebending. But hey, don’t forget, he’s That One Boss for some people in KHII.

**Roxas and Xion:** We never had a problem with him.

**Axel:** Oh I get it. I understood that joke.

**Roxas:** Good to know that everyone in the Organization has their own talent, though.

**Axel:** Yep, everyone is a unique and special snowflake who all deserve a gold star of specialness.

**Xion:** Still not getting how Nobodies can be unique.

**Axel:** Well there are different breeds depending on the strength, right? We more humanoid-looking ones are the strongest breed, retaining a vague appearance of our former selves from our past lives essentially, if not outright looking exactly like them minus some details, complete with all our memories.

**Xion:** …We do?

**Roxas:** I didn’t know you could remember your past! Can every Nobody do that?

**Axel:** Yeah, everyone in the Organiza—Wait. You two can’t?

**Roxas:** First I’ve heard of it.

**Xion:** If it’s a prerequisite, what’re we even doing in the Organization in the first place?

**Axel:** …Well maybe _not_ remembering is a prerequisite for using the Keyblade.

**Roxas:** Whatever, tell us about your past human life!

**Axel:** I’M TRANSPARENTLY AVOIDING THE QUESTION.

**Roxas:** C’mon, give us a taste!

**Axel:** …I was best friends with the boy who would be Saïx, I played with Frisbees a lot, and I met a guy who looked disturbingly like you at one point a little over ten years ago.

**Roxas:** Huh. Weird. Still, wish I could remember crap like that.

**Axel:** …Maybe there’s stuff you blocked on purpose, because you don’t _want_ to remember. I wish I had that power. I tend to get caught up in bad memories from years ago that I just want to move past already, but since the human brain is actually conditioned to focus on the negative as it builds survival instincts that way…

**Roxas:** But that’s just it, I can’t stand not knowing, you know? I can’t even remember my first week of existence, you know that! I at least want to remember the first time you got me ice cream, you’d think that would be the most precious to me!

**Axel:** Trust me, you’re not missing much, you zombie creepazoid.

**Roxas:** Well fuck you too!

**Xion:** *starts the laughter that the other two join in on* I can’t remember shit either! I don’t even remember meeting you two…

**Axel:** You two sure are similar, but I’m sure it’s not too significant, don’t worry about it.

**Roxas:** I WONDER WHO I WAS BEFORE.

**Axel:** LET ME TELL YOU A THING.

**Roxas:** Really?!

**Axel:** Pfft, no!

**Roxas:** Aww…

~There’s an AU for ya, what if Axel tells Roxas about Sora right here? Actually, has someone written it already, I kind of avoid KH fanfiction, there’s too much high school shit for some reason.~

**WHAT A MANSION!:** *exists*

**DiZ and Naminé:** CAMEO!

_My Past_  
I went to Agrabah today with Xion. I am less and less annoyed by her putrescence as time goes on.

Afterwards me and her and Axel talked about us and the other Nobodies. Mostly insulting Demyx. At times I feel bad that he’s not there to defend himself, but I almost feel like he’d agree with us if we talked shit to his face anyway. At least that’s what I keep telling myself so I can sleep at night. The ones who make it into the Organization are powerful enough to keep their memories…But me and Xion can’t remember our pasts. What was I like? I hope I had decent fashion sense, or at least had decently sized shoes…

( _My Past_  
Hey, I have the same journal entry title thing as Roxas. Now ain’t that interesting.

Neither Roxas or I have any memory of our human lives. I don’t even remember my first days as a Nobody.

Roxas said he was the same, that Axel could vouch for him not remembering his first week, but even so I don’t know if I truly believe him. For me, it’s a total blank. I can’t even remember the day I met Roxas, or Axel. It’s all a blur. Which is more than a blank since that implies I can remember patches of something which I probably don’t.)

~Day 96: Xion’s Keyblade~

**Xion:** IMGONNAGETMYKEYBLADEBACKTODAYOMIGODOMIGODOHMIGOD—

**Roxas:** Yes, yes, hurray for spoilery titles, just try to focus for the rest of the day until it happens, yeah?

**Xion:** Will do! *is nearly tap dancing in excitement* Man, am I glad we got here so early before anyone else got here—

**Saïx:** Xion, Roxas, I need you to do separate missions today.

**Roxas:** …Well fuck.

**Xion:** What, we’re skipping the scene from the manga where Demyx asks us to do a double pose with our two Keyblades so we can look insanely badass and that’s when Saïx begins to truly notice that I’m having the troubles when I can’t do the thing?

**Roxas:** Of course, that was entertaining and suspenseful, we can’t have that in-game.

**Xion:** And to think that I keep expecting the manga adaptations to be inferior…

**Saïx:** There are two boss Heartless in two separate worlds. Roxas, you take Beast’s Castle. Xion, you go to Agrabah.

**Xion:** …I’m peeing my shit over here.

**Axel:** *was sleeping on one of the couches in the main room all night with a blanket and everything* I don’t really think you should send Roxas to Beast’s Castle by himself. He’s still a weak little poo-babby who needs Xion to prop him up, you know?

**Roxas:** Man would I be pissed at that insult if I weren’t basking in the light of WHAT A GOOD FUCKING FRIEND YOU ARE, DUDE.

**Xion:** *is legit crying with happiness right now*

**Saïx:** …Lea, what the fuck are you doing.

**Axel:** Hey, I was up late finally making my way through _A Wizard from Earthsea_ and I didn’t want to stop reading, you know? And then when I was done I didn’t want to move so I slept here for the night.

**Saïx:** A likely story!

**Axel:** Isn’t it, though? Now then, remind me who had janitorial duty at Beast’s Castle yesterday.

**Saïx:** …You did.

**Roxas and Xion:** HOLY SHIT THAT WAS LEGITIMATE FORESHADOWING?!

**Axel:** It sure was! And who saw and reported back on the giant boss Heartless? Trust me, unlike you I’ve been out in the field with Roxas. He is _not_ ready to handle this thing on his own.

**Saïx:** Then who will beat the one in Agrabah?

**Axel:** For some reason I’m not suggesting that they handle both missions today or leave it till tomorrow since it’s probably not going anywhere. Instead I think I’ll take out the other one myself.

**Saïx:** Out of the question; you are unable to collect hearts, which would’ve been the entire point of sending either one of these two over to that planet.

**Axel:** Fine, I’ll weaken it for them so they can take it out later. I can do it. I’m a big boy. You just gotta have a little faith in me is all.

**Saïx:** I don’t know what that means.

**Roxas:** Oh just put up with our dumb requests already.

**Saïx:** Very well, but this is the last day you guys get to team up. People work better alone.

**Roxas, Axel, and Xion:** Actually—

**Saïx:** This is _not_ the game to be making friendship speeches or to preach about teamwork!

**Axel:** *muttering* Which might mean it’s needed more here than in other games…

**Saïx:** I heard that and I forbid it.

**Axel:** Saïx, stop being a crazy psycho. Now’s not a good time for you to be a psycho.

**Xion:** I dunno about this…

**Roxas:** It’s _fine._

**Xaldin:** I came into a small fortune in Aerial Techs on my last mission. If you bring me a Moonstone, I’ll trade you one.

**Roxas:** Okay, I guess I can spare one of my FIFTY-THREE Moonstones.

**Xaldin:** Good. Here, take what’s yours.

**Roxas:** Kay thanx. *obtains Aerial Tech*

**Xaldin:** We’ve already made our exchange. Surely you have work to be doing now.

**Axel:** Looks like you bought yourself another day.

**Saïx:** I am within earshot, you dumbass.

**Axel:** Shut it, Isa.

**Saïx:** Seriously though, this is the last time you two get to work together, got it?

**Roxas:** Fuck, a Bully Dog. If that’s anything like the Snapper Dogs, then it looks like Axel was right after all…

**Axel:** Can I call it or can I call it?

**Roxas:** I guess you can call it. *goes to Beast’s Castle with Xion*

**Saïx:** Now tell me what the fuck is going on already.

**Axel:** I’m sure I don’t know what you mean.

**Saïx:** You know exactly what I mean.

**Axel:** Whatever, I gotta get over to Agrabah now. *summons a Dark Corridor with a handwave*

**Saïx:** *sighs* I wish I knew how to quit you.

**Xion:** *at Beast’s Castle* I AM CONFLICTED.

**Roxas:** You appear to be conflicted.

**Xion:** No, I’m fucked is what I am. I still can’t summon the fucking Keyblade, so what the hell am I gonna do when tomorrow comes? *tries to summon the Keyblade and fails again* Damn it! I just want Belle to show up so we can interact with her, she can convince you to lend me your Keyblade, and she gives you a mop to defend yourself with.

**Roxas:** Nah, that’d mean including cool people, we can’t do that.

**Xion:** WHY IS THE MANGA VERSION SO GOOD.

**Roxas:** I don’t know, but your summary has convinced me that lending you my Keyblade is a good idea. *summons it and hands it to Xion*

**Xion:** …Why is it Kingdom and not Midnight Roar or whatever it’s called now?

**Roxas:** Iunno. So?

**Xion:** …Well I can hold it and swing it anyway.

**Roxas:** Cool, try using it for the whole day, see what happens.

**Xion:** Well aren’t you made of awesome. Wait, what about you? You don’t have that many magic panels equipped, do you want to restart knowing what you know now and planning accordingly?

**Roxas:** Screw that, I FOUND A STICK!

**Xion:** …You’re not gonna grab a sword from a suit of armor?

**Roxas:** Why would I do that?

**Xion:** …Oh yeah. This is gonna go great.

**Roxas:** What, you think I can’t handle being without the Keyblade?

**Xion:** No.

**Roxas:** Well fuck you too.

**Xion:** …I’m gonna say something awkward now.

**Roxas:** Shoot.

**Xion:** …Your Keyblade’s hilt feels warm.

**Roxas:** Neat.

**Xion:** Like I’m holding your hand.

**Roxas:** …Awkward.

**Xion:** Indeed.

**Roxas:** …Let’s go.

**Xion:** I’M THE LEADER NOW LET’S GO WHEEEEE~!

**Roxas:** Then why are you still following wherever _I_ go.

**Xion:** Sh-Shaddup!

**Roxas:** *leads the way right into a Snapper Dog* …You know, now that I’m beating a dog with a stick instead of a nonsensical giant key, I kind of feel bad about myself.

**Xion:** How do you think _I_ felt when I was _setting them on fire._ Which you should probably think about doing.

**Roxas:** Saving it for the boss.

**Xion:** Ah, good plan. Wow, that is actually one powerful stick you got there.

**Roxas:** I should keep using this for the rest of the game!

**Xion:** I don’t think you should.

**Roxas:** You handle these Mega-Shadows, I’ll watch.

**Xion:** Oh thanks ever so. *heads to the west wing* Hey cool, no demonic furniture for once, let’s just coast on through!

**Roxas:** Nah, we still have to fight dudes, the more practice you have the easier time you’ll have summoning your own Keyblade later. In theory.

**Xion:** Fair enough, I guess. *fights most of them on her own since Roxas is borderline useless now anyway*

**Cogsworth:** Psych, I’m totally here! And apparently there have been so many Heartless that Belle has been unable to leave her room and the master has been unable to visit her on the other side of the castle despite being able to fell a Neoshadow in a single blow.

**Xion:** So we _do_ have to deal with this guy. Fuck.

**Roxas:** They’re talking about Belle and the master again.

**Xion:** They must ship those two super hard or something.

**Roxas:** A giant buffalo monster in a cape and a literal bell? I don’t see it.

**Xion:** Quit being so narrow minded about things.

**Roxas:** Whatever, let’s just get back to killing things. After this stealth section.

**Xion:** Fuck stealth sections. Fuck them with this Keyblade I’m holding right now. *follows Roxas out into the main entrance to the castle, helps him kill everything there, and follows him into the ballroom which is the only section not blocked off* OHMIGOD THIS ROOM IS GORGEOUS.

**Roxas:** You know what I’m not gonna argue? What you just said. Because you’re super right.

**Xion:** ROXAS DANCE WITH ME.

**Roxas:** I KIND OF WANT TO DANCE WITH YOU.

**Xion:** Except we can’t ‘cause I feel bad that you suck without your Keyblade worse than I do.

**Roxas:** Well maybe you were right about the panels. Am I at least right about the Keyblade?

**Xion:** I’m not even gonna try summoning my own and just shake my head.

**Roxas:** Hey, don’t forget what the title of today is. You’ll get it back.

**Xion:** Probably as soon as I kill that Bully Dog that just showed up over there, yeah.

**Roxas:** Aw yeah, let’s do this shit!

**Xion:** …Is it just me or does this thing have less health than the Snapper Dogs.

**Roxas:** …You know, you may be right about that. *helps her defeat it* BOOSH!

**Xion:** THAT WAS AWESOME. Here, have this back I guess. *gives the Keyblade back to Roxas*

**Roxas:** So try summoning it already!

**Xion:** Okay… *dramatically summons her own Keyblade with a flourish*

**Roxas:** YAY YOU DID THE THING.

**Xion:** YAY I DID THE THING.

**Roxas:** AXEL MUST KNOW.

**Xion:** INDEED HE MUST. * _sprints_ to the clock tower in Twilight Town where Axel’s already kicking back*

**Axel:** I could not possibly be more relaxed than I am right now.

**Roxas:** HI AXEL!

**Axel:** JESUS FUCKING SHIT CHRIST, I THINK I JUST PEED MY SHIT.

**Xion:** You should get that looked at.

**Roxas:** Sooo? How was your mission?

**Axel:** Broke my ass.

**Roxas:** How’d you do that?

**Axel:** By falling on my ass.

**Roxas:** That makes no sense.

**Axel:** I don’t really feel like warning you how tough tomorrow’s boss will be in comparison to today’s. Sooo? How was your mission?

**Roxas:** Xion, do the thing!

**Xion:** *summons her Keyblade*

**Roxas:** *WHY IS THE ACTUAL DIALOGUE IN THIS GAME SO FUCKING GOOD* Ta-daaah!

**Axel:** YEAH, GURL!

**Xion:** And I couldn’t have done it without the Rower!

**Rower:** Yes you could!

**Xion:** Oh and you guys helped too I guess.

**Axel:** I didn’t do all that much.

**Xion:** You kept stalling Saïx for us, that ain’t nothing!

**Roxas:** Really I think _you_ did all the hard work.

**Xion:** I owe you big time.

**Axel:** Yes you do. The cost is _you_ buying the ice cream for once.

**Xion:** Done and done! *runs off and comes back*

**Roxas:** I say the three of us run away together and just eat ice cream all day every day.

**Xion:** It’s like that thing we didn’t talk about except in the manga.

**Roxas:** Which no one read because it’s Japan-only unless they looked up scanlations online.

**Xion:** Which no one should ever do because it’s bad, they should buy the actual tankobon at exorbitant prices and shipping costs and just magically learn how to read kanji in addition to hiragana and katakana only for the purposes of reading manga.

**Roxas:** Yes, everyone should do this thing. Or just move to Japan for nerd purposes and that’s it.

**Xion:** Where they will no longer be able to enjoy anything else that will suddenly be region locked for them

**Roxas:** Indeed, region locking should probably stop.

**Axel:** While I agree with that last part, what the hell are you two talking about with the running away together thing?

**Roxas:** What, wanting to hang out with your friends all the time is a bad thing? Watching the sunset is a bad thing? Eating ice cream—

**Axel:** Yes.

**Xion:** He’s kinda right on that one.

**Axel:** Also we’re not immortal. Especially nonexistent beings like us. We won’t be able to do that forever even if we did just ditch everything. And fuck, it’s okay if we can’t even do what we’re doing anymore.

**Roxas:** Whut you talkin’ ‘bout, Axel?

**Axel:** Ever since I was a kid, I figured that if people never forgot who I was, then I’d live forever. I think the same thing applies to friendship. As long as we can remember each other and think about each other occasionally, we’ll never stop being friends. And besides, it’s _because_ we don’t get to do this as often as we like that make it even more special, got it memorized?

**Roxas:** Whoa, never figured you for the romantic type.

**Axel:** HOW DID YOU NOT NOTICE. *thwacks him upside the head*

**Xion:** I ship it.

**Axel and Roxas:** Of course you do.

~Well wasn’t that adorable.~

_Out of Trouble_  
Today’s mission was with Xion in Beast’s Castle. After like a month or something of working together, I finally came up with the idea of loaning her my Keyblade, and she had no problem using it. That meant I had to fight without it, and I mostly let her do all the work since I was saving my magic for the boss, but we got the job done.

Afterwards Xion conveniently remembered how to summon her own Keyblade, so I guess we’re out of trouble until Saïx finds something else to complain about. When we were done we all had ice cream together with Axel. ‘Twas fun times.

( _Friends_

Xion regained her ability to wield the Keyblade. I don’t know how or why, nor do I care because it finally means I can stop stalling Saïx. Which is good, I was running out of excuses anyway. Maybe there’s more to the Keyblade master they’re not telling me about. Which really wouldn’t surprise me, frankly.

I feel like I’ve been spending more time talking to Roxas and Xion lately than my old friend, Saïx. And I got no problem with that. This has to have been what it was like, friendship, since only now is my memory faulty on that apparently. Or maybe this is what _real_ friendship is like, since I’m probably just a friend of convenience to Saïx now, if I’m even that.

Well this entry got depressing real quick.)


	13. You All Have To Be My Best Friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Wow, Nearly Forgot, Whoopsidoodle:** Pokémon ‘Bridged, Twisted: The Untold Story of a Royal Vizier, _Gurren Lagann, Silent Hill 2, Harry Potter, Back to the Future, Firefly,_ Nullmetal Alchemist, A Very Potter Sequel, Naruto the Abridged Comed Fandub Spoof Series Show, Super Best Friends Play, _Naked,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Day 97: Transfer~

**Roxas:** Wow, this is the first time in forever that Xion hasn’t been in the main room when I got here, weird.

**Demyx:** Hey, Roxas, think you could lend a guy a Shining Shard? I’m all out.

**Roxas:** M’kay.

**Demyx:** Thanks! Here, take this and we’ll call it squaresies.

**Roxas:** …First time they tried too hard, that’s something, I guess. *obtains Rune Tech*

**Demyx:** I could reeeally use a break.

**Xaldin:** Hmph. Finally able to hack it on your own?

**Roxas:** We’ll see I guess.

**Axel:** Hey, Roxas, remember our first mission together with the treasure chest?

**Roxas:** Shockingly, yes.

**Axel:** You still opening all the chests you find? How ‘bout the ones in Mission 29? I didn’t, and Saïx was asking about it. Maybe he’s got something in the works, ya know? Anyway, tell me if you find them all.

**Roxas:** Oh yeah, come to think of it, I don’t think I did. Let me go clear that up for ya.

**Axel:** Cool.

~Forty-seven hours later…~

**Axel:** Nice, you got ‘em all?

**Roxas:** FUCK THAT FUCKING CANDELABRA, JESUS FUCK!

**Axel:** *laughs* You’re an ace, man! I think Saïx’s got a special mission for you. Go see him for the details. Also Xion left already.

**Saïx:** Let’s hope you still know how to do missions on your own. I’ve got four for you, but only one of them’s required.

**Roxas:** Well let’s start with that one then, I guess. *goes to Agrabah* Giant boss Heartless, huh. Maybe it’s that spinny drill one that was causing all the sandstorms according to the manga. Which would be the one me, Xion, and Genie beat already by that point in that particular rendition of this sad and sorry tale.

**Jasmine:** What do you mean it disappeared?!

**Aladdin:** I mean it fucking disappeared, is your comprehension of Arabic limited in some fashion or something?!

**Roxas:** How can I suddenly understand them if they’ve been speaking a different language this whole time.

**Aladdin:** But seriously, there’s no more sandstorm. We can finally leave Agrabah if we want.

**Jasmine:** Finally, we can go back to fixing the socioeconomic inequality within our kingdom! We’ll start by recruiting those with duty and devotion! We _must_ bring back the 2Ds!

**Aladdin:** Sure, but don’t forget about the Heartless. Even though they were the cause of the sandstorm in the manga, they’re still around stirring shit up for no reason now. And a weak female like you stands no chance against them, so you’d best wait in the palace while I do all the hard work for you, okay?

**Jasmine:** Whatever you say, Princess.

**Aladdin:** Oh fuck you for making that decree. *leaves with Jasmine*

**Roxas:** …ALL RIGHTY THEN. *takes out all the Heartless on his way to the entrance to Agrabah and leaves the city* Well this area’s new. I like all the buildings buried in the sand and stuff.

**Earthquake:** *happens*

**Antlion:** *can be seen swimming under the sand*

**Roxas:** I _knew_ this was gonna be that one from the manga that should be dead already! Also the fuck kind of name is that, who names these things. *examines the terrain* …I think _this_ should’ve been the one me and Xion double-teamed…WOW this is a big area… *collects all the chests in the area* Huh, the Antlion doesn’t seem to even want to attack me. Maybe it’s harmless despite the fact that in the manga it was the origin of all the sandstorms. *hits it a lot*

**Antlion:** *digs underground, then surfaces elsewhere and charges at Roxas*

**Roxas:** Uh-oh. *jumps onto one of the many partially buried buildings scattered everywhere*

**Antlion:** *collides directly into it and sees stars. Literally*

**Roxas:** *bashes the fuck out of it while he can*

**Antlion:** *throws shit at Roxas, then buries itself again, then arises again and forms a twister with its body*

**Roxas:** Dafuq is he throwing at me, blocks of sand or something? *dodges them all and then hits them back at the Antlion* Also _why is it called Antlion,_ the name should refer to a giant drill in the desert! At least call it Lagann or something!

**Antlion:** *fires a laser beam at Roxas while he’s doing this, but eventually gets hit enough times that it sees stars again*

**Roxas:** *finishes it off with a Limit Break*

**Antlion:** *falls over backwards and dies*

**Roxas:** Well that was fun, wasn’t it. *goes back to Agrabah*

**Jasmine:** Soooo? How’d it go?

**Aladdin:** There was a GIANT BOSS HEARTLESS here. It’s gone now.

**Jasmine:** Sick, now let’s get back to whatever we were doing before.

**Aladdin:** You’re right. It’s such a beautiful day. Take off your clothes!

**Jasmine:** Wait, not so fast.

**Aladdin:** Take off your clothes!

**Jasmine:** Let’s make this last.

**Aladdin:** …At least your top?

**Jasmine:** Aladdin, stop.

**Aladdin:** …Listen, babe. I know you’re scared. I mean, I am too. I’ve never done this before.

**Jasmine:** Well until we’re married, can’t we just…stand out here and look up at the clouds and random children in black cloaks standing on rooftops?

**Aladdin:** …Okay. _Okay_ …Hey. I respect ya, ya know?

**Jasmine:** *smiles*

**Aladdin:** …Take off your clothes?

**Jasmine:** *ignores him*

**Genie:** Oh those wacky mortals.

**Roxas:** Genie and Carpet?! What’re YOU doing here?!

**Genie:** Oh come on, my resting monster face in this version doesn’t inspire _that_ much nightmare fuel!

**Roxas:** I disagree.

**Genie:** Hey, you Disapparated on me when last we met, you know! But I just came to check up on Al. And now I’ve done that. I will leave now.

**Roxas:** What, you’re not gonna say hi to your buddy over there?

**Genie:** …Dude, he’s trying to tap that, I ain’t gonna fuck up his game!

**Roxas:** I don’t know what seven of the words in that sentence mean.

**Genie:** Good for you, I’m leaving. *flies off with Carpet*

**Roxas:** …I don’t even want to know.

**Genie:** Well I have no problem expositing to you anyway!

**Roxas:** Please don’t.

**Genie:** A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…

**Roxas:** Please stop.

**Genie:** Aww, you’re no fun anymore! *leaves for realzies*

**Roxas:** Thank fucking Merlin. *heads to Twilight Town where the other two are waiting with ice cream*

~Huh, back to no cutscenes after, eh?~

_Our Place_  
Every day, after work, the three of us have been going to our place at the top of the clock tower to have ice cream. We don’t talk about much, which might explain the sudden lack of cutscenes, but I wouldn’t miss these non-conversations for the world. I wonder if Axel and Xion feel the same way, but I don’t want to ask them for dumb anxiety-related reasons. I mean, what if they suddenly think I’m no good? What if they say, “Get outta here, kid, you got no future”? I just don’t think I can take that kind of rejection.

Do the other Organization members have their own routines, besides Demyx? It’s hard to picture. Well, apart from picturing Xemnas monologuing to no one on the roof, of course…

( _Sooooooooooooooo Bored_  
Every day it’s work, work, work. And not even the fun kind where someone needs me to tear all their clothes off. I’m dead bored, and I’d kill for some vacay. Possibly literally.

A Nobody needs his rest, amirite? And when I get it, it’s gonna be nothing but me and my sitar. Which may be literally bloody with blood. Sigh…)

~Day 98~

**Roxas:** Anyone got any new dialogue?

**Xaldin:** If it’s instruction you seek, perhaps another time.

**Roxas:** Apparently not, then. *goes down a level to break jars and ignore the Nobodies that pop out* I though I controlled the Samurai Nobodies, why are they attacking me. Also why did I never learn to control them. *completes the mission* Well that was seemingly pointless.

~Day 99~

**Roxas:** “Go to Agrabah and defeat a certain type of Heartless called Aerial Masters”, huh? Well at least this one doesn’t seem like a COMPLETE FUCKING WASTE OF TIME. *goes to Agrabah with Demyx*

**Demyx:** Aw man, I hate fighting!

**Roxas:** Dude. You are That One Boss for some people apparently. You are plenty strong and you know it!

**Demyx:** Doesn’t mean I find it enjoyable!

**Roxas:** There any specific reason or are you just lazy?

**Demyx:** …Roxas, there’s something you should know.

**Roxas:** What is it?

**Demyx:** …I’m something called a douchebag.

**Roxas:** What?

**Demyx:** A douchebag. I play sitar when everyone else just wants to have fun…I make weird covers of Disney songs, who does that.

**Roxas:** *has “When You Wish Upon A Star” stuck in his head FOR SOME REASON*…I actually kind of like your covers.

**Demyx:** You’re a sweet guy, you know that?

**Roxas:** I have been told this, yes. So what say we get this bullshit over with so you can go back to playing already?

**Demyx:** That is a sound plan. As long as you do most of the work.

**Roxas:** I wield the Keyblade, I _have_ to do most of the work. I’d appreciate it if you’d weaken dudes on occasion, though.

**Demyx:** I suppose that’s fair. *follows Roxas out into the desert where they kill _everything_ *

**Roxas:** Ooh, a Zip Slasher!

**Demyx:** …Our mission is a hundred percent cleared, we do _not_ have to kill this thing.

**Roxas:** But I want the EXP though.

**Demyx:** Sometimes I just don’t understand you. *puts up with Roxas’s bullshit anyway* Well that took five-ever, now can we _please_ leave?!

**Roxas:** Yeah sure, why not. *leads the way back to the Dark Corridor* Say Demyx, we can create Dark Corridors whenever and wherever we want right?

**Demyx:** Yeah?

**Roxas:** So why can’t we just go back to our home planet from here instead of backtracking the entire level?

**Demyx:** I…Hmm…

**Roxas:** As I thought. *drops Demyx off at the Castle That Never Was before meeting up with Axel and Xion* Hey you, Keyblade still working?

**Xion:** For now, yeah.

**Roxas:** That’s good.

**Xion:** And I couldn’t have done it without the Rower!

**Axel:** Yes you could!

**Roxas:** How do you know?

**Axel:** I just………..know.

**Xion:** Nice Alan Rickman impression.

**Axel:** I try, I miss that guy.

**Roxas:** Me too.

~Day 100~

**Roxas:** You’d think there’d be a bigger deal made about my one hundredth day of existence, but I suppose I’m the only one who’s paying attention anyway… *goes to Beast’s Castle to collect Hearts* New ice enemies to be dispatched with Fire magic, eh… *kills everything in the entire castle* Well that took longer than I thought it would. *heads to Twilight Town*

**Xion:** …So we’re all just eating ice cream in silence now, is that it?

**Axel:** Meh, who knows what we could be talking about offscreen.

**Roxas:** I say we’re talking about Dickbutt.

**Xion:** YEAH DICKBUTT!

**Axel:** Just like Aretha Franklin taught Japan back when she was resurrected as Jesus Christ.

**Roxas:** Wow. I must’ve slept through that history class.

**Axel:** It was pretty radical.

**Xion:** I guess so.

~Day 117: Secrets~

**Axel:** *is sitting on his bed* How come you never knock? What do you want?

**Saïx:** Report on Xion’s activities.

**Axel:** We just hang out, I actually don’t know her that well if I’m honest.

**Saïx:** Really? You appear to be close.

**Axel:** …I’m not snitching on my friends, Isa, not to you. Please leave.

**Saïx:** You should know that I’m pairing up you and Xion for the day. 

**Axel:** Oh good, an opportunity to get to know her better. I’m sure there’s no ulterior motive implied in the slightest.

**Saïx:** Oh, and eventually we’ll need you to go back to Castle Oblivion.

**Axel:** We meaning the entire Organization as led by Lord Xemnas, or we meaning _you?_

**Saïx:** Little of column A, little of column B. There’s that one room Lord Xemnas desperately wants to find, remember?

**Axel:** Oh yeah, that one room no one saw coming in BBS. Hate to break it to you, but there’s probably some special way of accessing that area that we just don’t possess.

**Saïx:** …Xion was born there. As was Naminé.

**Axel:** You know, I kind of had a feeling they were twins or something.

**Saïx:** Don’t you want to discover the connection between them?

**Axel:** Eh. It’s her personal business. Sure I’m curious, but I’m not gonna be a dick about it. It’s _you_ who really wants to go there so you can figure out all of _Xemnas’s_ secrets, am I right?

**Saïx:** Well there are a couple of things that just don’t really fit in with the rest of his plans, unless of course they do and it’s just too convoluted to wrap one’s head around unless they play all seven games in the series that are out so far and have a wiki open next to them so they can keep track of everything. Once we manage to make sense of everything, that’ll pave the way for whatever it is we’re planning to do.

**Axel:** …I murdered Vexen and second-hand murdered Zexion for you. I’ll handle all of the icky jobs, and you can coast on to the top while I get none of the credit. It’s fine by me.

**Saïx:** Good. Because you _will_ be going back to Castle Oblivion. Not today, but not too long from now. *leaves*

**Axel:** So Naminé and Xion were twins who were both born in Castle Oblivion. Both of them being Nobodies with vastly different strengths and personalities. Was Kairi’s heart really that weird or is something else going on? And why are a bunch of vague conversations that the other now-dead members were having with each other suddenly coming back to me now?

~WHAT IS GOING ON. I DON’T HAVE THE SLIGHTEST CLUE. I JUST SLAPPED A COW.~

**Roxas:** Well that was weird.

**Demyx:** Axel and Xion ditched you already.

**Roxas:** They finally have a mission together? Cool.

**Xigbar:** And you’re with me, kitten.

**Roxas:** Please revert to kiddo. Or nothing.

**Xigbar:** You got it, nothing!

**Roxas:** Better.

**Xigbar:** Poppet got the best nickname anyway, amirite?

**Roxas:** And yet I’ve never heard you say “’Ello, poppet” to her before.

**Xigbar:** The opportunity will arise, I’m sure. Anyway, we’re going to Olympus Coliseum today.

**Roxas:** Cool.

**Xigbar:** As if!

**Roxas:** There’s no need to take that attitude!

**Xigbar:** Just tell me when you’re ready.

**Roxas:** Fine, whatever.

**Luxord:** How’s your game?

**Roxas:** Terrible.

**Xigbar:** Get yourself in gear, tiger.

**Roxas:** Don’t call me that either.

**Demyx:** Hey, man! Sorry to pounce on you like this, but have you got any Iron?

**Roxas:** _Waaaay_ too much, actually. *gives him Iron*

**Demyx:** Oh, here, take this, man. I owe you at least that much.

**Roxas:** Cool, I guess. *obtained Power Tech*

**Demyx:** How come I don’t get a nickname…?

**Roxas:** You do but it’s kind of rude and insensitive.

**Demyx:** Oh. Well whatever then.

**Saïx:** Conglaturations, your rank leveled up. Go buy new shit.

**Roxas:** O-Okay!

**Moogle:** Your new rank means I get to show you the real goods, the hottest commodities, the cream of the…

**Roxas:** *taps foot impatiently*

**Moogle:** …The new stuff, kupo. Plus, it earns you the right to synthesize weapon panels, kupo! You should try it, kupo. Synthesized weapon panels are stronger than the ones you buy or earn as rewards, kupo.

**Roxas:** *buys a Duel Gear to create Abaddom Plasma* This sure is a thing. Can’t say it’s not a thing. *heads to Olympus with Xigbar*

**Xigbar:** All right, let’s get this shit over with!

**Roxas:** We just doing normal recon, or…?

**Xigbar:** Mostly, but also be on the lookout for people who might want to join the Organization. Saïx is tired of being so short-staffed.

**Roxas:** What’s our tagline gonna be?

**Xigbar:** Probably something along the lines of “Welcome to Organization XIII, where we’re pretentious assholes all day for your benefit.”

**Roxas:** Okay, what kind of qualifications do they need?

**Xigbar:** Shockingly little. We picked you and Poppet up the days you two were born, after all. But really we kind of need Nobodies. And it’s taken this long for me to explain how Nobodies are actually created, wow, can’t believe Axel didn’t tell you sooner. The Organization is made up of all the strongest Nobodies ever.

**Roxas:** So we’re looking for people with strong hearts, corrupting them so they turn evil and eventually become a Heartless, and hope on the off-chance that their remains, if there are any, will join up with us?

**Xigbar:** That’s about the size of it.

**Roxas:** …Say they’re not like me and Xion and actually retain their memories. Won’t they be, y’know, _resentful_ of us for making them go through this horrible process?

**Xigbar:** Probably, but then they’ll know that our main goal in life is to regain what we lost and they’ll want to join us no problem.

**Roxas:** That…sounds kind of evil.

**Xigbar:** It kind of is, we’re kind of the bad guys here. Everyone’s trying to go legit but evil.

**Roxas:** Evil legit? I’m not sure if I like that.

**Xigbar:** You have anywhere else you can go?

**Roxas:** I’ve got an infinite number of fucking places to go, the problem is where you stay. You with me?

**Xigbar:** I sure am. You and Xion are stuck with us. As it should be.

**Roxas:** You’re sounding more and more ominous today, aren’t you.

**Bunch of Li’l Cannons and Flare Notes:** *appear*

**Xigbar:** Sic ‘em.

**Roxas:** You’ll help, right?

**Xigbar:** If I feel like it.

**Roxas:** Again with the continuation of sunshine and rainbows you constantly exude. *kills everything*

**Phil:** There you are! I’ve been waiting for you!

**Roxas:** …What the fuck are you.

**Phil:** Waitin’ for over ten years, frankly…So we doin’ this or what?

**Roxas:** I’m pretty sure you have me confused with someone else.

**Phil:** No one looks _that_ similar, kid! Now come on, I got all the training equipment set up.

**Roxas:** What the fuck are you talking about.

**Phil:** You wanna be a hero, don’t ya? Herc said you’d be great, and I agree, so let’s _move!_

**Roxas:** Xigbar, a little help here?!

**Xigbar:** *looks up from _Book,_ Volume III. I’m not kidding, track down the manga and look* Hmm?

**Roxas:** SAVE ME ALREADY!

**Xigbar:** Eh…Nah.

**Phil:** Somehow I never notice that other guy. So considering it’s been ten years, I totally forgot your name, what was it again?

**Roxas:** R-Roxas?

**Phil:** Okay, I’m gonna go double check the equipment, so tell me when you’re ready. *goes inside the vestibule*

**Xigbar:** *puts the book away* So you wanna be a hero, kid? Well whoop-dee-doo.

**Roxas:** You could’ve helped!

**Xigbar:** And miss all the fun? As if! Also it’s better that only one of us gets mixed up in their worldly affairs, really. Now you can do all the recruitment you want, and I’ll just stick to the background approving and disapproving your choices! *pause* On second thought, fuck that, I’m out. *summons a Dark Corridor*

**Roxas:** …Dude. Even _Demyx_ stuck around when I was on a mission with him.

**Xigbar:** That’s harsh, kiddo. I’m gonna find somewhere quiet where I can finish my book. *goes back to his home planet*

**Roxas:** …Fuck that guy. *checks the surrounding area a little first* Wonder what all these posters are for. Looks like a leaderboard. The guy who won every last one of these was named Sora. Or girl. Could be either I guess. Wonder who that person is…Eh, I’m sure they’re not important. Second place in this one is a guy called Hercules. And this building…Is it some kind of temple or something? There are lightning bolts on the door, maybe it’s a Harry Potter tribute or something. I don’t know, I’m bad at my job. Whoa, this other leaderboard’s _huge!_ Again with this Sora person in the lead…These statues are also huge. Hopefully none of them come to life and attack me, this looks like a fifteen-meter class or something. This place _does_ look super cool, though. Especially since this place appears to be _floating in the fucking clouds or something, that’s awesome._ *goes inside the vestibule and starts examining the trophies* Hercules Cup, Hades Cup…The Hercules one is probably the shiniest and most valuable, but the Hades Cup looks the most badass. The Phil Cup plaque looks lame and the Pegasus Cup is okay I guess. Can’t believe there’s nothing for the Platinum Match though…So this whole place is some kind of arena. And for some reason I think Hercules came in first place even though Sora clearly beat everyone in everything all the time. Though it _has_ been a few weeks, so maybe they re-held the tournament and Hercules won that time since Sora wasn’t actually there to pick up the slack or something. But still, for an arena it’s pretty quiet. Must be the off-season or something, I can’t imagine a tournament where no one would be watching. For any reason. Ever.

**Phil:** You ready yet or are you just gonna keep talking to yourself?

**Roxas:** Sorry, we can go now I guess.

**Phil:** Okay, smash barrels.

**Roxas:** …That’s it?

**Phil:** That’s it!

**Roxas:** Okay… *does the thing*

**Phil:** 191 points on your first try? Not bad, but let’s try for two hundred next time, yeah?

**Roxas:** Okay. *tries again. Several more times. And gets progressively worse every time*

**Phil:** Why do you suck.

**Roxas:** Because I’m bad at video games.

**Phil:** Well it’s still not bad for a first attempt I guess. We need all the help we can get anyway.

**Roxas:** What do you mean by that?

**Phil:** We need a lot of strong people if the games are going to be entertaining in the least for our nonexistent audience.

**Roxas:** So you don’t have anyone?

**Phil:** Oh we got one guy. My best student, in fact! Surely you remember him?

**Roxas:** I…I have amnesia?

**Phil:** Oh, tough break. Still, if you run into him he’ll probably remember you. Actually, you might not recognize him anyway, he’s bulked up so much since then. And aside from your outfit, you haven’t actually changed a bit!

**Roxas:** S-So what do the games actually entail, anyway?

**Phil:** Humans versus monsters, basically. Sometimes the occasional demigod versus monsters, sometimes giant talking dogs and ducks versus monsters, we got a variety here. No one comes to see us ever, it’s great. Oh and sometimes Heartless get involved.

**Roxas:** Can I fight in them, then? Fighting Heartless is kind of my job.

**Phil:** A kid a year younger than you took out fucking _Sephiroth_ not a few months ago, and yet what your proposing is ludicrous to me.

**Roxas:** You make me sad. Also I’m suddenly flashbacking to the kid you just described for some reason.

**Phil:** Hey good, maybe your memory’s starting to come back. Still, I don’t think you’re strong enough for this particular batch of Heartless yet, and I don’t want a teenager’s blood on my hands.

**Roxas:** Fair enough, I guess. Looks like I can head back anyway. *looks at the trophies again* …Do the trophies just appear when someone’s won the tournament? Do the winners not get to take them home? Or does Phil claim them since he trained whoever won? ‘Cause that sounds like a load of barnacles. *leaves the vestibule, passing Hercules on the way out*

**Hercules:** Hey, Ven.

**Roxas:** It’s Roxas, actually.

**Hercules:** Oh, I’m sorry, my mistake.

**Roxas:** Not a problem.

**Hercules:** *enters the vestibule* Hey, Phil, you see that guy who looks like Ven? Must be a younger brother or something.

**Phil:** Yeah, he’s the new recruit you told me about, right?

**Hercules:** …I think I would’ve remembered if it was a relative of Ven’s…Also the other guy said he’d take a while to get here.

**Phil:** Ah, whatever, let me tell you how he did so far…

**Roxas:** I should probably stop eavesdropping and go back to doing my job. *looks at the statues again* Those sure are some statues. At least I figured out that they recruit a lot of strong people here. Maybe we can convert one of them into becoming evil. I cannot believe I am in favor of this plan. *actually RTCs to The Castle That Never Was*

**Axel and Xion:** *are waiting at the Twilight Town clock tower with ice cream for the Nobody That Would Never Show*

**Xion:** I CAN’T BELIEVE WE GOT TO ADOPT PLUTO AT THIS POINT IN THE MANGA. *takes bite*

**Axel:** I can’t believe Saïx let us! Hell, I can’t believe he remembered liking dogs in his past life!

**Xion:** I can’t believe we had a vague idea where Pluto fucking _was_ at this point in the story!

**Axel:** It’s nice to think that _someone_ didn’t forget about him entirely!

**Xion:** I wish Roxas would hurry up and get here, I wanted to tell him about this giant wasted opportunity for Organization shenaniganry and adorability. 

**Axel:** Don’t hold your breath, he’s with Xigbar today.

**Xion:** Ah. Um…Can I tell you something personal?

**Axel:** By all means.

**Xion:** You know how I have amnesia?

**Axel:** Yeah?

**Xion:** Well I’m starting to get the strangest sense of déjà vu.

**Axel:** Really? When?

**Xion:** When I sit with you guys and watch the sunset. I somehow get this feeling that I watched a different sunset on possibly a different planet with someone else. Someone I cared about. It’s strongest when I go to the Destiny Islands and watch the sea. I feel like I should try and watch a sunset there sometime, see if that’s the place I remembered. *digs in her pocket and pulls out a thalassa shell* I know I was talking with someone while we listened to the waves…

**Axel:** You’re starting to get your memories back, then?

**Xion:** It’s more of a feeling than anything at this point. Your thoughts?

**Axel:** Well I’m not inside your head so I can’t know for sure.

**Xion:** What’s it like for you to have memories?

**Axel:** Kind of painful, actually. I know better to have loved and lost and all that, but it’s still not easy.

**Xion:** Neither me nor Roxas remembers much, if anything. I wonder if we were this similar before we joined the Organization. I WONDER IF WE CAME FROM THE SAME PERSON OR SOMETHING.

**Axel:** Now you’re just being silly.

~The part where Xion adopts Pluto is seriously one of the most adorable modifications to an established canon that I’ve ever seen.~

_Special Nobodies_  
Today it was me and Xigbar. Axel and Xion went out on their own mission. Lucky bastards.

Xigbar told me that Xion and me were “exceptional” – you know, like, special Nobodies. Except he never actually said that in this version but let’s just go with it or whatever. Because we can use the Keyblade?

Work dragged on late, so I didn’t make it up to the clock tower. I wonder if Xion and Axel made it. I wonder if they started talking shit about me behind my back or something. Wow, am I really this insecure about what my friends think of me?

Those pictures started flashing through my head again on the mission. Thankfully it was during a conversation and not a fight. The boy in red…What’s it all about? Why did he have to have shoes that big?Maybe when Xigbar called me “special” he meant “crazy”…

Seriously, though, is Xion experiencing the same thing? It feels weird to ask. So I won’t, no matter how badly I feel I should. I’m positive that won’t ruin anything.

( _Him and Roxas_  
…Presumably Xigbar here maybe. But yeah, Roxas is maturing at an impressive rate. His face, the way he handles the Keyblade, it’s all exactly the same as that other guy from ten years ago, down to the hairstyle. Fuck the current Keyblade wielder, I wanna know if this was that other kid’s Nobody.

The worlds seem so divided and alone, but then we keep visiting the same ones every game. And we Nobodies can never escape the things we did as humans. So…yeah.)


	14. I'm On Vacaaaaaaation, I'm On Vacaaaaaaaaaation...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Man Do I Not Own Shit:** _Harry Potter,_ Attack on Titan Abridged, Super Best Friends Play, _Firefly, Monty Python's Holy Grail,_ Twisted: The Untold Story of a Royal Vizier, _Game of Thrones,_ A Very Potter Musical, _Macbeth, PT, Undertale,_ Dragonball Z Abridged, and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Day 118: Lazy Day~

**Roxas:** Am I the first one here or something? Huh, there’s a note on the window…

**Note:** Operations closed for vacation.

**Roxas:** …The fuck’s a vacation?! *heads down the stairs and runs into Axel*

**Axel:** DUDE WE GOT A DAY OFF FUCKING FINALLY I WAS ABOUT TO SUE SOMEBODY.

**Roxas:** Never had one of those before, what am I supposed to do?

**Axel:** Nothing. Anything. Whatever you want.

**Roxas:** I don’t know what that is.

**Axel:** Look, what do you like to do?

**Roxas:** Uhhhhhhhh, what’re you gonna do?

**Axel:** Nap all day probably.

**Roxas:** Don’t you oversleep enough?

**Axel:** Dude, I was up nearly twenty-four seven in Castle Oblivion, my body’s _still_ trying to catch up with that shit.

**Roxas:** What’s everyone else doing right now?

**Axel:** Well, Xigbar’s also sleeping, Xaldin’s having a Dusk shave his sideburns in a fruitless effort to be more attractive to fangirls, Saïx is ordering Dusks around in our absence, Demyx has never been happier in his life, Luxord is playing Solitaire, and Xemnas is staring at the moon with his arms outstretched like a crazy person.

**Roxas:** Sometimes I worry about our boss.

**Axel:** As do I. Well I go sleep-sleep times now. You have fun doing whatever it is you’re gonna do. *walks off*

**Roxas:** …What the hell am I gonna do?! *walks further down the stairs and runs into Xion* Hay gurl!

**Xion:** ‘Sup, nerd!

**Roxas:** So. Day off.

**Xion:** Yep.

**Roxas:** …

**Xion:** …

**Roxas:** …Any ideas?

**Xion:** Well since _Pluto’s not fucking here,_ I was thinking I’d practice with the Keyblade or something. Wanna come with?

**Roxas:** …Nah, I’m gonna try and figure something out.

**Xion:** Well good luck with that. I’ll be somewhere in the castle if you need me.

**Roxas:** *goes back to the main room and stares at the poster* …I want ice cream. *takes a Dark Corridor to Twilight Town*

**Olette:** Don’t fuck it up, Hayner!

**Pence:** Don’t do it!

**Hayner:** I hate both of you.

**Pence:** I have no idea what we were measuring, but apparently that’s a new personal record for you or something.

**Hayner:** Sure, fine, whatever.

**Olette:** *turns and sees Roxas* Hey new guy? What’s up?

**Pence:** Oh, I know that guy! We met a while back! Where’s your friend? Oh, did you find that other person you were looking for?

**Roxas:** A while ago, yeah.

**Pence:** Well that’s good.

**Olette:** An accomplice of yours, Pence?

**Pence:** Less than you and Hayner. He just _knows_ I murder thousands, he’s never had to help me cut them up. Yet.

**Olette:** Cool. So I’m Olette.

**Roxas:** Neat.

**Hayner:** Why did you all ditch me? I’m still practically passed out on the ground over here!

**Roxas:** …Dafuq.

**Pence:** Hayner was showing off for us while we discouraged him at every opportunity.

**Olette:** The floor is lava. You can’t have the ball touch the ground.

**Pence:** Hayner’s the only one who even bothers. It’s impressive, but it’s also kind of pointless and stupid. He doesn’t even like sports, he just likes showing off.

**Hayner:** I now have a bat.

**Roxas:** Terrifying.

**Hayner:** I am also immediately antagonistic.

**Roxas:** Just trying to get through to the station. May I ask what your problem is?

**Hayner:** Well, it’s more the fact that you _exist,_ if you know what I mean.

**Roxas:** Well as I don’t actually exist, I suppose I can’t get offended.

**Olette:** Why am I friends such assholes again?

**Pence:** Yeah, sorry about that. Hayner can be a bit of a prick, but he is good at what he does.

**Roxas:** Being a prick?

**Pence and Olette:** *laugh uproariously*

**Hayner:** Then why don’t _you_ give it a go if you think you’re so good?! *shoves his bat in Roxas’s face*

**Olette:** _Why_ am I friends with such assholes again?!

**Roxas:** Screw that, I wanna know why I’m actually going through with this. *shakes head* This is _not_ what I wanted to do on my day off… *gets a cumulative total of seventy-three*

**Pence:** Well aren’t you special.

**Olette:** I feel like we should be hanging out more often for some reason.

**Pence:** I said that same thing!

**Olette:** Weird.

**Pence:** I know, weird!

**Hayner:** …Lucky first try. How ‘bout another go so we can _really_ see what you’re capable of.

**Roxas:** How ‘bout I don’t.

**Hayner:** Well fair’s fair. You’re not too shabby. Wanna hang?

**Roxas:** Uh…no?

**Hayner:** Aw come on, man! We’re friends now! Apparently!

**Pence:** Better than the relationship with Seifer, I guess.

**Hayner:** WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT MENTIONING THAT NAME IN MY PRESENCE.

**Olette:** To do it as often as possible because watching you turn red is hilarious?

**Hayner:** And fuck you too, bitch!

**Roxas:** It _is_ amusing…

**Hayner:** And fuck you harder!

**Pence:** So _do_ you have some place to be? Because I _really_ feel like we should hang out together, the four of us.

**Roxas:** Nope, I need to leave now.

**Hayner:** If you say so. We’ll leave now too, I guess.

**Pence:** See ya later, maybe?

**Olette:** Maybe you can help us hide more of Pence’s victims? It’s kind of hard with just the three of us, and he’s relentless in his blood lust.

**Roxas:** Maybe…

**Hayner:** *having run off in front of the station* Did he see another innocent life he wants to destroy?

**Olette:** NO NOT THE PIDGEONS I LIKE PIDGEONS!

**Pence:** Aww, but I wanted to watch it bleed!

**Hayner:** Well at least it’s not a human this time, those are harder to shove down the toilet.

**Olette:** Wait, he didn’t have a popsicle in the game, why does he have one in the movie cutscene?

**Roxas:** Iunno. *eats ice cream as he watches them from above*

**Axel:** Can I call it or what? *brings up a cooler with like thirty popsicles in it*

**Roxas:** You know me a little too well, methinks.

**Axel:** *stretches* _Man_ that was a good nap.

**Roxas:** I bet.

**Axel:** *sits down next to Roxas and watches the kids with him* Apparently it’s too early for summer vacation despite the fact that _the time of day never fucking changes on this planet._

**Roxas:** What’s summer vacation?

**Axel:** It varies from place to place. Some places get like ten weeks or something, but this planet only has one month.

**Roxas:** SHIT THAT’S OVER A QUARTER OF MY ENTIRE LIFE. *brain breaks* Jesus, I can’t even figure out how to have fun in just one day, I can’t imagine doing nothing for an entire month!

**Axel:** Just get Netflix or Hulu and waste your life away, it’s great. Or just YouTube things for forever, or play video games, or pull a Demyx and try to learn an instrument, or write shitty parody fanfiction on the internet; the possibilities of wasting your time are endless! It’s truly the best way to avoid homework or responsibilities, it’s great! Oh and hang out with people too, I guess. But trust me, you’ll appreciate the time in the beginning, but then you’ll end up taking the time for granted and soon it’ll be over and you’ll have failed to accomplish even half the things you wanted to.

**Roxas:** …Hmm. I could deal with a week, maybe.

**Axel:** That’s oddly specific.

**Roxas:** And indicative of nothing, I’m sure.

**Axel:** Of course. It’s mostly spent just dicking around with friendly-friends, of course. Everyone procrastinates until the end when they let the one smartish person who cares do all the work and then everyone else paraphrases it, maybe with some form of compensation thrown in. _Maybe._

**Roxas:** That doesn’t sound too horrible at all.

**Axel:** Well I like the hanging out with friends part, anyway. Guess I forgot how much fun it could actually be. So what _did_ you do with your day anyway!

**Xion:** COOLER FULL OF ICE CREAM! *grabs like seven*

**Roxas:** So did you end up practicing with the Keyblade, or…?

**Xion:** Nah, got bored quick and came up here instead. You two?

**Roxas:** Axel slept all day.

**Xion:** You wasted your entire day off?!

**Axel:** Hey, unlike you two, I actually do my job and do it well, so I’m tired, all right?

**Xion:** Well maybe me and Roxas are just in better shape than you, old man!

**Axel:** You little shitbird!

**Roxas:** That one’s new.

**Sunset:** *is pretty*

**Music:** *is pretty*

**Axel, Roxas, and Xion:** *are pretty*

**Remastered movie thing:** *is pretty*

**Axel:** So I actually don’t think we get another day off after today.

**Roxas:** Yeah we do, it’s just never used as an actual day off like this ever again. Which blows.

**Xion:** Blows hard.

**Axel:** Oh, and also I’m gonna be going away again for a while.

**Roxas:** Again?

**Axel:** Yeah, long-term recon mission.

**Xion:** Where this time?

**Axel:** Classified.

**Roxas:** Aw come on, you were able to tell me last time ‘cause we were friends, why not this time?

**Axel:** Well this time Saïx made sure to tell me it’s classified.

**Xion:** What Roxas said, you know we won’t tell anyone! We barely talk to the other members outside of you anyway!

**Axel:** …Look, there are some things even the closest of friends keep to themselves for personal reasons, got it memorized? It’s kind of rude and disrespectful to keep prying. You might end up losing said friend, even.

**Roxas:** …Well that killed the mood.

**Axel:** *laughs* I’m just fucking with ya. Like I said, _Saïx_ told me it was classified, and you know how he gets.

**Roxas:** Good point.

**Xion:** Yeah.

**Axel:** Anyway, while I’m gone, don’t slip into another coma on me, all right? Either of you. Also don’t lose your Keyblades.

**Xion:** Both of these are fair concerns.

**Axel:** I’m just concerned, is all.

**Xion:** Don’t worry, though, we got this.

**Roxas:** What she said.

**Axel:** Welp, gotta actually go talk to Saïx about the thing.

**Roxas:** ‘Kay, take care!

**Xion:** Hurry back! Oh, and thanks for the ice cream!

**Axel:** Don’t eat it all at once!

**Roxas and Xion:** *look at empty cooler* …Uh…

**Axel:** *laughs* You two are hopeless. *goes back to the Castle That Never Was*

**Saïx:** About time.

**Axel:** What part of _day off_ eludes you, doucheface.

**Saïx:** What have I said about getting attached to them?

**Axel:** To not to. I just don’t care.

**Saïx:** …You’ve changed, you know. *walks off*

**Axel:** Yes, and I’m sure that is _such_ a horrible thing for you to cope with…

~…What kills a friendship faster, one of you changing for the worse or one of you refusing to change?~

_Vacation’s Where I Wanna Be_  
Today was my first vacation ever. I didn’t know what to do with it. And for some reason this old Pokémon song was stuck in my head and _would. Not. Go. Away._ Anyway, Axel said to do what I like, which was _super_ helpful, but all I like is having ice cream with my friends — so that’s what I ended up doing. Though I really don’t think Xion and I should’ve had as much ice cream as we did. I feel sick now.

Axel leaves tomorrow for some kind of mission. Hopefully it won’t turn out like the last time he left on a long-term mission. That would suck a whole lot. And also reminds me — I still haven’t given him the WINNER stick yet. I’m slightly worried that at this point I never will.

( _You Changed, Not Me_  
Talking to Roxas and Xion always brings back memories of my human life, back when I was a kid. Probably because Roxas looks even more like that kid I met that one time than his Somebody. It’s a weird sensation.

I ought to be able to share all this with Saïx, but I just don’t feel like it anymore. It’s strange, but I’m content with just missing what’s gone. Which is why I’m going to finish with this incredibly bitter and remorseful line that doubles as today’s entry title:

I’m not the one who changed. You did. The only me is me. Are you sure the only you is you?)

~Day 119: Work To Do~

**Roxas:** So Axel’ll be gone for a while and Xion must’ve left on her own mission already. Wonder what’s going on with everyone else. *changes his weapon to Glimpse of Darkness with Fearless Gear* I’m going to murder anyone who touches me. Please do not touch me.

**Luxord:** Have you been customizing your weapons? A smart player knows how to adapt his game to suit the house rules. Equip a weapon with two or more units installed in it, then come see me. I’ll find you a game worthy of the weapon you’ve crafted.

**Roxas:** Hey, check out this Glimpse of Darkness with a Power Unit and an Ability Unit already attached.

**Luxord:** I see you’ve got a weapon with two or more units installed. Good. I’ll get you clearance for a suitable game – a new mission. Ask Saïx for the details.

**Roxas:** Maybe later. So…Know where Axel’s at?

**Luxord:** Axel’s whereabouts? I have no clue.

**Roxas:** Gorram it.

**Xigbar:** You know doing missions fills the Bonus Gauge, right? It lets the Organization keep tabs on how hard you’re working. How’s about I take a little peak? Come tell me when you’ve filled it completely for Days 97 to 116.

**Roxas:** …I think I already—

**Xigbar:** Looks like you filled the gauge for Days 97 to 116, slugger. Nice going. Here’s a little something from me to you. *gives Roxas Gust Shard* Keep it up, kiddo.

**Roxas:** Slugger now? Really?

**Xaldin:** Are you training? Daily effort is the only path to strength.

**Roxas:** Ready as I’ll ever be, I guess. *follows Xaldin to Beast’s Castle*

**Xaldin:** Figures I’d get this mission…

**Roxas:** You say something?

**Xaldin:** Indeed, I was just commenting on how fitting that one of such low worth would live in a disgusting place like this.

**Roxas:** Actually this place is kind of nice. Sure it’s kind of dark and there are occasional scratch marks, but the dude that lives here is still royalty no matter his appearance.

**Xaldin:** …You _have_ seen that guy for yourself, haven’t you? Don’t you know that appearances are everything?

**Roxas:** So you _are_ every inch a hideous douchebag that no one likes?

**Xaldin:** You say that like it’s a bad thing. Also I somehow know there was a spell put on this castle.

**Roxas:** How did you figure that one out?

**Xaldin:** Well I was turned into a newt!

**Roxas:** …

**Xaldin:** …

**Roxas:** …

**Xaldin:** …I got better. Also we somehow know he was originally human before he was forcibly transformed into a wolf-bear-thing.

**Roxas:** Well that’s depressing, I feel bad for him now.

**Xaldin:** We do not possess that ability, so stop dicking around and help me investigate further. We’ll save the Beast’s room for last; I don’t want to be near that monster any more than I have to.

**Roxas:** *shakes head* Who is the monster and who is the man, I wonder.

**Xaldin:** Sorry?

**Roxas:** Nothing, don’t worry about it. *listens in to the locked save game door* Same dialogue as last time, never mind.

**Xaldin:** DON’T GET CAUGHT, BACK THE FUCK UP RIGHT NOW.

**Roxas:** …Somehow I think you’re drawing more attention than I am—

**Xaldin:** YOU KNOW NOTHING, JON SNOW.

**Roxas:** Oy vey…Oh hey, more claw marks.

**Xaldin:** What a despicable creature.

**Roxas:** Who is probably trying to protect himself from all these Heartless we’ve been killing.

**Xaldin:** Doesn’t make it any less of a monster.

**Roxas:** I’m pretty sure he prefers male pronouns.

**Xaldin:** Only humans have a concept of gender, and this thing is certainly not that.

**Roxas:** Oh for fuck’s sake…Can’t I just open _one_ of these doors?

**Xaldin:** There is quite literally nothing behind any of them apart from that one we’re not allowed to go into and you know it.

**Roxas:** DUDE WE CAN ACTUALLY GO INTO THE BALLROOM THIS TIME AND LOOK AROUND AND SHIT WHEEEEEEE~! *goes inside* Damn this is so gorgeously opulent…

**Xaldin:** Would you please stop.

**Roxas:** Well it’s opulent as shit, what do you want?! What do you think they need such a big, gorgeous room for, aside from iconic dance numbers?

**Xaldin:** …No, that’s pretty much it. Not that our hideous subject would ever have the chance to have such a moment.

**Roxas:** …You’re a pretty hateful person, aren’t you?

**Xaldin:** Finally, a glimmer of a clue presents itself. But I’m right. This is the only place we’ve seen without any claw marks on the windows. Clearly the Beast doesn’t hang around here much.

**Roxas:** Huh, there’s a balcony outside of these glass doors on the opposite end of the ballroom.

**Xaldin:** *deadpan* This is absolutely fascinating.

**Roxas:** Hey, we could go outside and kill more Heartless out here, you don’t know!

**Xaldin:** Yes I do and no we can’t. Evidently.

**Roxas:** Fine, let me take you to the place where I did recon before then.

**Xaldin:** The place I didn’t want to go because the Beast live there?

**Roxas:** Yeah, what, you scared?

**Xaldin:** Less scared, more grossed out by its repugnance. Let’s check the other side of the castle.

**Roxas:** Okay… *leads him to the appropriate hallway*

**Xaldin:** Crap baskets, that dumb clock thing’s in this one.

**Roxas:** Fuck.

**Cogsworth:** The master is in fact out and about murdering things, it’s a surprise no one saw those two supposedly sneaky ninjas. Especially since _the entire staff is made up of inanimate objects that could be anything HOW DID NO ONE FIND OUT ABOUT THESE GUYS YET._ Also I’m miffed that he won’t talk to Belle apparently. Which makes sense considering we _do_ have a time limit…

**Roxas:** Wonder what the time limit’s for.

**Xaldin:** I don’t think the furniture is as demonic as we think it is. I think they were humans once as well.

**Roxas:** Same type of Transfiguration?

**Xaldin:** Clearly not. There’s a difference between botching the transformation of a human into an inanimate object that coincides far too much to the person’s original name, and whatever the fuck happened to the Beast.

**Roxas:** But, again, what’s with the time limit?

**Xaldin:** Iunno. Now let’s sneak past him.

**Roxas:** Can we not?

**Xaldin:** No, shut up, this is what we’re doing.

**Roxas:** *Air Dashes past Cogsworth* This is a sofa.

**Xaldin:** No you can’t nap on it.

**Roxas:** Who do I look like, Axel?

**Xaldin:** You do hang around him often enough.

**Roxas:** Hey, this room is identical to the Beast’s room.

**Xaldin:** Must be a VIP. Peek in.

**Roxas:** _You_ peek in.

**Xaldin:** Who’s in charge here?

**Roxas:** *sighs heavily and peeks in* A HOO-MAN!

**Belle:** Friggin’ Heartless, why did they have to follow us back here…Damn it, I’m not really equipped to help him either, this shit’s the worst. I was able to hold back the darkness of a Behemoth not too long ago, but I had five other women helping me with that and I can’t really do that on my own this time. They’re probably here because of me, too, this sucks. Maybe if I brainstorm with Cogsworth and Lumiere, they could help me make a plan to help fight or something.

**Roxas:** DUDE AN ACTUAL HUMAN WOMAN. Pretty hot too, actually.

**Xaldin:** What’s an actual person doing in this nightmarish, nonsensical hell-scape? Wonder if it’s Belle.

**Roxas:** _How_ do you keep jumping to these admittedly correct conclusions.

**Cogsworth:** HOW AM I NOT NOTICING OR HEARING ANY OF THIS TWENTY FEET AWAY.

**Xaldin:** The freaks here seem to hold her in the same esteem they show that abomination of a master.

**Roxas:** Gorgeous, isn’t she?

**Xaldin:** Your statement means nothing.

**Roxas:** _Your_ statement means nothing.

**Xaldin:** The statement I didn’t say?

**Roxas:** Let’s just go to Beast’s room—

**Xaldin:** After we check outside.

**Roxas:** You really want to drag this out as long as possible, don’t ya. *leads Xaldin outside* The Beast’s footprints are here.

**Xaldin:** So he’s even fighting them outside.

**Roxas:** And now for the most idiotic question I think I’ll ever pose in my life: WHY DO YOU THINK THE BEAST IS FIGHTING THE HEARTLESS.

**Xaldin:** Besides the fact that they’re invading its home and it probably has a strong survival instinct? Not a clue. OKAY, WE’RE DONE OUT HERE.

**Roxas:** …You’re a weird guy.

**Xaldin:** I’m fickle. Now take me to the monster’s room.

**Roxas:** …You, an old, creepy-looking dude, are asking a naïve young boy to bring you to a stranger’s room in an unknown location.

**Xaldin:** Yes?

**Roxas:** I…I don’t even know where to begin with you. BUT FIRST! I shall stall for time by pointing out this bridge over here behind these doors that we can’t escape from!

**Xaldin:** That’s nice, it must be the only way to and from the castle. I shall have to make a note of that for the future for reasons. Now _take me to Beast’s bedroom._

**Roxas:** I need an adult!

**Xaldin:** I am an adult.

**Roxas:** *cringes but does it anyway because he fears Saïx more than he fears Xaldin* Let’s go through the secret passageway first. *goes through a doorway he’s never been through before and finds himself on a balcony overlooking the ballroom* HOW CAN YOU NOT APPRECIATE THE BEAUTY THAT IS THIS GLORIOUS ROOM.

**Xaldin:** I will admit that it’s different from the rest of the castle. Explain how.

**Roxas:** …It’s better lit?

**Xaldin:** It won’t be for long.

**Roxas:** Why’s that?

**Xaldin:** Can anyone tell me what foreshadowing is?

**Roxas:** …A dramatic device in which an important plot point is mentioned early in the story to return later in a very significant way?

**Xaldin:** Perfect.

**Roxas:** *leads Xaldin to the West Wing*

**Xaldin:** Candelabra this time.

**Lumiere:** FUCK THESE FUCKING HEARTLESS. If only our planet had a heart that someone could seal so they’d momentarily go away before powering up exponentially for absolutely no reason…FUCK THIS BODY TOO, I WANNA SWORDFIGHT SHIT. *hops off*

**Roxas:** Another transfigured human?

**Xaldin:** Everyone minus Belle, looks like.

**Roxas:** How do you think it happened, anyway?

**Xaldin:** I don’t know, there isn’t a convenient narration over stain glass imagery to tell us the backstory.

**Roxas:** So we’re really going inside a stranger’s bedroom then.

**Xaldin:** Lay on, Macduff.

**Roxas:** Crap baskets. *makes it past Lumiere anyway* Huh, this gargoyle wasn’t smashed to shit the last time I was here.

**Xaldin:** The freak must’ve knocked it over.

**Roxas:** Heartless attack?

**Xaldin:** Nah, more like anger management problems. Happens with monstrous types.

**Roxas:** I don’t think that’s it—THE FUCK’S A BULLY DOG DOING HERE.

**Xaldin:** You really are pathetic, aren’t you. *helps him dispatch it* Go peek inside the Beast’s room.

**Roxas:** Oh! If that’s all we’re doing, then sure! *does the thing* He isn’t in, for once…There’s something in a glass case on the other side of the room…

**Xaldin:** *uses a Dark Corridor to get into the room*

**Roxas:** …Well aren’t you a big pile of semen, then!

**Xaldin:** This rose is powerful indeed…Wonder if Marluxia had anything to do with this place… *uses another Dark Corridor to return to Roxas*

**Roxas:** WHY CAN’T I DO SHIT LIKE THAT.

**Xaldin:** So tell me, what’s the most important thing we’ve discovered so far and why?

**Roxas:** …The rose I guess? It interested you more at any rate…

**Xaldin:** Well of course, why would I care about the affairs of some human?

**Roxas:** I…I can’t even…

**Xaldin:** Besides, he legit seems to care about the rose more anyway. It’s the only thing in the thing’s room that’s not completely destroyed. Also it’s apparently a weird Heartless magnet. Also also WE TOTALLY FOUND A WEAK POINT WE DONE WE OUT.

**Roxas:** Wait, I missed the weak point.

**Xaldin:** If you care about something strongly enough, you will do anything to protect it, including die for it. This is a weakness because you are no longer looking out for your own self-interest and therefore don’t care whether you live or die.

**Roxas:** I thought that one is strongest when they have something they want to protect. Because, like you said, they’ll do anything to protect that thing, and that'll fill them with the determination to keep them from falling when all other hope seems lost.

**Xaldin:** I disagree wholeheartedly. Except for the part where I don’t have a heart. C’mon, let’s bounce.

**Roxas:** But I wanna know more about that rose. You saw up close and I never got to.

**Xaldin:** You should’ve though of that before, now let’s move.

**Roxas:** Okay…WOW those are some deep gash marks.

**Xaldin:** It _is_ pretty strong I guess. We leave now.

**Roxas:** No we don’t. *backtracks to Belle’s room* So who do you think she is, anyway?

**Xaldin:** A sex slave.

**Roxas:** …No.

**Xaldin:** Well what else would a helpless woman like her be?

**Roxas:** A friend, at the very least. She seemed concerned about him and wanted to help him.

**Xaldin:** Stockholm syndrome.

**Roxas:** But she’s important to the Beast as well; he obviously cares about her.

**Xaldin:** I doubt it. And frankly I don’t care. You one hundred percented this one so now we _leave._

**Roxas:** Sigh… *ditches Xaldin at the Dark Corridor as he heads to Twilight Town*

**Xion:** *is already at the clock tower with some ice cream*

**Roxas:** OH THANK MERLIN SOMEONE TOLERABLE.

**Xion:** HAY GURL!

**Roxas:** Axel still out on that mission?

**Xion:** It’s only been a day, I somehow think it’ll take longer than that.

**Roxas:** Oh fuck you, you’re probably totally right. *sits down next to her* I somehow have ice cream now.

**Xion:** Neat. So where’d you end up today?

**Roxas:** Beast’s Castle, with Xaldin. I think I can officially say he’s my least favorite colleague who’s not Saïx. Also how’d you call the Beast having something he wants to protect?

**Xion:** Women’s intuition. Maybe. Really more like a lucky guess.

**Roxas:** Xaldin says that’s a weakness, though.

**Xion:** I disagree.

**Roxas:** As do I.

**Xion:** Wonder what Axel’s opinion on the subject is.

~Fucking hate Xaldin. Fucking hate him so much.~

_Something to Protect_  
Axel has been gone forever. And by forever I mean like a day. It’s been just me and Xion at the clock tower because no one else likes ice cream I guess maybe. Or maybe it’s me and Xion no one else likes. Meh.

While me and Xaldin explored Beast’s Castle, we found something he wants to protect…Xaldin says that’s a weakness, but I’ve absorbed too much pop culture that says otherwise to believe him. What does it mean to care about something that much? I’m not conscious of how much I love Axel and Xion, so it’s hard to wrap my head around the whole idea.

( _Hearts and Emotion_  
Watching that foolish beast flail about only deepens my disdain for humans and their incessant need to be pinned down by feelings. Which…I know the beast used to be human but this is really the first time I’ve considered him as such.

We became Nobodies precisely to avoid the shackles of emotion. Or at least I did, I think some of the others just wanted to science things because science. It was only later that we realized the scale of that loss: that some things simply cannot be done without a heart. If only there was a way to get rid of the bits we didn’t actually need…

Nonetheless, I can see nary a pleasant thing about it. I’ve _definitely_ had a nasty breakup in the past.)


	15. Oh Hey It's That Guy. Hey, That Guy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Man Am I Uncreative:** _Harry Potter, Silent Hills,_ Super Best Friends Play, _How To Train Your Dragon, Princess Bride, Archer, Sherlock,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Day 120~

**Roxas:** *gets a new Nimble Gear from the Moogle and creates a Leviathan* Sick. Now to not talk to anyone and get right to the murder. *goes to Olympus Coliseum* Should not be too hard to just gather hearts and nothing else this time. And since I’m not on recon I’m not even gonna bother trying to talk to Phil. Not really in the mood for barrel smashing anyway, frankly. And fuck these Jumbo Cannons, they are not fun.

**Phil:** You wanted to see me?

**Roxas:** I did not.

**Phil:** Tough, I need you to kill shit for us. But only ‘cause Herc isn’t here.

**Roxas:** Oh, in that case, sure.

**Phil:** Two words of advice: Don’t. Fuck. It. Up.

**Roxas:** …Are you unable to count to four?

**Phil:** EVERYONE THINKS THEY CAN CORRECT ME TODAY.

**Clay Armor:** ‘Sup.

**Roxas:** Oh. You know. Death. *Thunders it to death* Why the fuck did I have bottom screen flashbacks that aren’t flashbacks again, that’s really distracting during this mini-boss fight.

**Phil:** …Okay, so you don’t entirely suck evidently.

**Roxas:** Ta ever so.

**Phil:** SO WANNA TRAIN SOME MORE?

**Roxas:** _No?!_

**Phil:** Real heroes train every day. Most people who are serious about their bodies train every day.

**Roxas:** Except it’s not healthy to train every day because you need a day of rest so your body can recuperate. Also _I kill monsters every day. I think I’m good with the training._

**Phil:** No, shut up, this is what we’re doing. Okey-dokey, let’s get this show on the road!

**Roxas:** …Why do I have to smack barrels into Heartless to defeat them when I could just bash them to death? Especially considering that I probably won’t collect hearts this way, no matter what the mission gauge says. *does it anyway*

**Phil:** 191\. Not bad. Wanna try for two hundred this time?

**Roxas:** No, but I do wanna try again just so I can harvest more organs.

**Phil:** You terrify me, but okay! *waits until Roxas is done* …Why’d you only get sixty-three that time?

**Roxas:** Because I got the required amount of hearts and I don’t care.

**Phil:** …All right, that’s enough for today I guess. In fact, I probably made you do too much, I realize now.

**Roxas:** Thank Merlin.

**Phil:** I also realized that you actually need to practice more.

**Roxas:** Oh fuck it. *leaves*

**Hercules:** Hey, Ven.

**Roxas:** _Roxas._

**Hercules:** Right, sorry, forgot. *goes inside* Hey, Phil.

**Phil:** WHERE _HAVE_ YOU BEEN?! BED EMPTY, NO NOTE, CAR GONE!

**Hercules:** Dude, most of the Heartless stay confined to the Coliseum, what do you even need me for?

**Phil:** For when they don’t?! Like what’s constantly happening now?!

**Hercules:** It’s _fine._

**Roxas:** *meets up with Xion in Twilight Town where they eat ice cream in comfortable silence*

~Day 121~

**Roxas:** *goes back to Olympus to kill some Deserters* Oh good, Phil’s not guarding the entrance this time, I can just head in and murder things with impunity. *heads in and murders things with impunity* Well that was easy. *RTCs.*

~Day 122~

**Roxas:** *immediately heads to the Olympus Coliseum with Xigbar* You deal with the Li’l Cannons, I’ll deal with the Morning Star inside.

**Xigar:** Pfft, as if! *follows Roxas inside the Coliseum*

**Morning Star:** ‘Ello, ‘ello!

**Xigar:** Huh, there are Li’l Cannons in here too.

**Roxas:** Well that’s annoying. *lets the Li’l Cannons injure him slightly in the process of defeating them so he can use Limit Break a couple times on the Morning Star* YAY WE’RE DONE. Wonder what the barrels were for, though.

**Xigar:** Maybe that satyr guy just likes barrels.

**Roxas:** Aaaaand there was an image I didn’t need. *heads to Twilight Town*

**Xion:** How come you didn’t show up yesterday?

**Roxas:** I think yesterday was a bonus mission gained by completing a challenge or something, I don’t think they made cutscenes for that kind of thing.

**Xion:** Ah.

~Day 149: Unlike Minds~

**Roxas:** Tell me I’m not working with Xaldin again today…

**Xigar:** You losing your edge, Roxas? Go get some training in on Mission 36. I’d call 100 points a passing grade. I’ll even reward you.

**Roxas:** I think I got like 191 on that one, actually—

**Xigar:** There’s a good boy. You’ve beat the 100 point mark. Here’s your reward, kiddo. *gives him Bronze* Xion? As if. Poppet already took off.

**Roxas:** I didn’t ask, but thanks.

**Xaldin:** It seems an Organization imposter has surfaced—one who wears our cloak.

**Player:** *gasp* HAI RIKU!

**Demyx:** …Xion? She’s probably working. Like ALWAYS. I mean, good for her and all, but it makes me look even lazier…

**Roxas:** …WOW.

**Saïx:** We’re just getting more and more locations to go to, it seems. Your mission is _not_ to go on recon, but to just murder things as usual. Still report back what you see, though.

**Roxas:** That’s fine. *heads to what is transparently Halloween Town*

**Jack:** *is pacing back and forth* Damn it, this Halloween still needs more innovation. There’s gotta be _something_ I can bullshit…IF ONLY SILENT HILLS WOULD FUCKING GET MADE, FUCK KONAMI SO HARD STILL.

**Roxas:** *comes through the Dark Corridor* Was someone dissing Konami just now? Damn, I wanted in on that! Oh well…The fuck are Heartless doing in the save game area. *kills Skater Bombs and Creepworms everywhere* How are these Creepworms weaker than *one hundred percent completes it and heads back to the Dark Corridor* Well that was easy.

**Lock:** DIE, BITCHES!

**Roxas:** The what now?

**Lock:** *throws a bomb at Roxas’s face* Ha ha, we committed a terrorist act against you! *runs off with Shock and Barrel*

**Roxas:** Huh. Those kids threw a bomb at my face. Meh. *leaves planet*

**Jack:** I just saw the portal as it was closing. THAT GIVES ME AN IDEA FOR EXPLOSIONS!

**Lock, Shock, and Barrel:** *obviously manage to get away considering Roxas didn’t chase them*

**Barrel:** I can’t believe that guy didn’t chase after us.

**Lock:** He’s probably horribly injured if not dead.

**Shock:** Ha! Third-degree burns are funny!

**Barrel:** What if he did survive, though?

**Lock:** Then we’ll just have to try to murder him harder!

**Barrel:** YO I FOUND A THING YOU CAN’T SEE YET!

**Lock and Shock:** LET ME NOT SEE, LET ME NOT SEE!

**Roxas:** *made it back to Twilight Town with a popsicle already* Nom.

**Axel:** HELLO!

**Roxas:** Yay, you didn’t fake your own death this time!

**Axel:** Yeah, didn’t feel like doing the same move twice, you know? *sits down next to Roxas* So how’ve you been?

**Roxas:** Pretty well, thanks.

**Axel:** Where’s Xion at?

**Roxas:** No idea. Which is weird, she’s usually early. Hope she hasn’t lost her Keyblade again or something.

**Axel:** Yes, that would be bad.

~Meanwhile, thousands of miles away…~

**Xion:** *is buried under the covers of her bed, arms wrapped around her knees* What a bag of dicks. *has a flashback to her mission on the bridge of Beast’s Castle where she was fighting someone who was very obviously Riku in an Organization cloak, where he beat her kind of easily and sashayed off like a boss* Sure he won but he didn’t have to be a dick about it. Just because I’m a chick who can actually fight and stuff…Yeah, that must be it, he must just be super sexist. *still doesn’t leave her room* Also what was up with those flashbacks, I didn’t need those right then.

~Riku _was_ kind of being a dick right there…~

_WINNER_  
Today’s mission took me to a whole new world. For some reason I don’t think they’re even bothering with recon anymore, which is nice since they’re implying that someone else is also doing missions for once, and also WE SO OBVIOUSLY KNOW ALL THESE FUCKING WORLDS ALREADY. It was a weird place; it’s like the Halloween section of Walmart in October threw up all over it or something. I was up on the clock tower afterwards when Axel turned up after being away forever. He said he finished that long mission and didn’t get his ass handed to him this time. But this time Xion didn’t show. What a bitch.

I was gonna give Axel that WINNER stick, but I should wait until I get another one. It wouldn’t be fair to leave Xion out, even if she does keep skipping out on us like this.

( _He’s the Sham_  
That man wearing the Organization’s coat — that cheeky dick waffle! He’s too powerful. Like, ridiculously strong. Like That One Boss for some people strong. Like he could be a support party member for really late in the game strong. I can’t beat him unless I get stronger. Which considering my strength is tied to the storyline kind of means I can’t just grind for levels. Which blows. Hard.

And I’m not a sham. I’M NOT. I’m no one’s puppet! I’M NO ONE’S SLAVE! He is. Because he’s a slave now. Definitely a sham, though. He’s the one pretending to be something he isn’t! He and that fabulous hair of his! It’s not like I like him or anything, b-b-b-baka!

~Day 150: Fear~

**Riku:** *has a flashback of the fight that just happened the previous night with Xion before taking his hood off, revealing that he’s wearing the blindfold* _Damn_ my hair’s getting fabulous, I hope I never cut it.

~Meanwhile, thousands of miles away…~

**Roxas:** *ambling along inside the Castle That Never Was*

**Xion:** I WANNA KILL THAT GUY.

**Saïx:** No. You suck at everything and you should never have been created in the first place. *walks off*

**Xion:** …He’s just punching my feels organ. Whichever one that is.

**Roxas:** *hesitantly* I think that would be called your heart, Xion.

**Xion:** Ah, it’s probably—

**Roxas:** I know it’s hard for you to find it, considering we don’t technically have them.

**Xion:** It’s probably my kidney.

**Roxas:** Yeah, your feel kidneys.

**Xion:** Yeah… *leaves*

**Roxas:** …I think I’ll just leave her be for now. *goes to the main room* Boy do I not want to talk to Saïx right now. *checks at his menu screen to stall* DUDE I FORGOT I GOT A LEVEL DOUBLER I NEED TO RE-SORT MY PANELS RIGHT THE SHIT NOW THIS IS THE PERFECT EXCUSE.

**Axel:** Didn’t take ‘em long to give me more work. Where’s my vacation? Sheesh.

**Roxas:** Ha.

**Xaldin:** You are my charge for the day. We leave once you’re prepared.

**Roxas:** I don’t think I’ll ever be prepared for missions with you.

**Saïx:** For some reason it’s super important that you, in particular, kill a Pureblood that won’t give us any hearts whatsoever.

**Roxas:** I love that our Organization is so logic-based. *goes with Xaldin, predictably, to Beast’s Castle*

**Xaldin:** I’m as anxious to get this mission over with as you are. Don’t slow me down.

**Roxas:** STILL LOOKING FOR TREASURE CHESTS, YOU CAN’T STOP ME.

**Xaldin:** What a kleptomaniac…

**Roxas:** I’m a kleptomaniac for finding the items I needed?!

**Xaldin:** Yes.

**Roxas:** *massive eye roll as he tries to go into the castle* Why is the main entryway blocked off this time. Oh well. *takes the passageway into the top of the ballroom* There’s nothing in here either, weird. *goes to leave*

**Shitload of Purebloods:** *appear behind them*

**Xaldin:** Well that figures. Let’s take them out.

**Roxas:** M’kay. *takes them all out* Well that was a fantastically framed battle of wits.

**Xaldin:** No it wasn’t. Let’s move on.

**Roxas:** Fine, whatever. *leads the way to the west wing* Hey, I know that boss music…

**Dark Follower:** HAY GAIS!

**Roxas:** Didn’t me and Xion already kill you that one time? Though you look bigger indoors…Also more purple…

**Xaldin:** I don’t think this is the same guy.

**Roxas:** But except for the pallet swap and the larger amount of health, it’s exactly the fucking same.

**Xaldin:** Oh, I could say that about a couple of things around here…

**Roxas:** Sorry?

**Xaldin:** Never mind, it’s not important. *helps Roxas defeat the Dark Follower, which collapses and vanishes* Well that took five-ever for something so toothless.

**Roxas:** WE JUST KILLED _TOOTHLESS?!_ *starts to cry*

**Xaldin:** Oh I give up with you.

**Beast:** I AM GROWLING!

**Roxas:** I WONDER WHAT THAT NOISE COULD HAVE BEEN!

**Xaldin:** …Dude, I, I kind of want to punch you. E-Everything you do makes me upset.

**Roxas:** Sounds like the _Beast_ is upset…

**Xaldin:** So he does. Let’s go take a look.

**Roxas:** Uh…okay? *follows Xaldin*

**Beast:** I AM ROARING SO LOUDLY THE DOORS ARE SWINGING ON THEIR HINGES! Also the last rose petal is nowhere near falling, what am I even talking about. Still, time is short…NOT THINKING ABOUT IT NOT THINKING ABOUT IT LALALALALAAAAA.

**Roxas:** Wow. A plucked flower is dying after being removed from the ground, especially without a water source. What are the odds.

**Xaldin:** Well _obviously_ the rose and the Beast are tied together somehow. The lifespan of the dead flower, weird as that may seem, is probably the time limit everyone was talking about last time we were here. AND NOW WE CAN MANIPULATE HIM EVEN BETTER!

**Roxas:** …You’re a giant bag of dicks, aren’t you?

**Xaldin:** You keep saying these as if they are insults. Come, let’s bounce.

**Roxas:** …Fine, whatever. *heads to Twilight Town with some ice cream*

**Axel:** *comes up not long after* Xion’s a no-show again?

**Roxas:** Mm-hmm. Nom.

**Axel:** *sits down next to him and pulls a popsicle out of his ass* Nom.

**Roxas:** …Strange question.

**Axel:** Shoot.

**Roxas:** You’ll make fun of me for it.

**Axel:** Only after I give you a serious answer, now shoot.

**Roxas:** …Is there anything you couldn’t bear to lose?

**Axel:** …Can I ask what prompted this?

**Roxas:** These missions with Xaldin have been getting to me.

**Axel:** Ah, say no more. The rest of us Nobodies like to pretend we still have emotions, but Xaldin must’ve been a fucking sadist even before he joined up with us or something.

**Roxas:** Yeah, and on these past couple of missions I took with him, we’ve been investigating someone who actually had _two_ things he couldn’t bear to lose. Xaldin said that signified his weakness even though I disagreed. And I kind of wish that I had something like that, to be honest.

**Axel:** But you don’t, because you don’t have a heart.

**Roxas:** I’m beginning to doubt that more and more, actually. I mean, Demyx doesn’t have a heart, but think of what his reaction would be if you took away his sitar.

**Axel:** Hey, don’t steal my ice cream!

**Roxas:** I’m just trying to make a point!

**Axel:** And your point has indeed been made, I am legitimately impressed by your logic. So for most of us Nobodies…I don’t think we could bear to lose the memories of who we were as humans.

**Roxas:** Oh, you mean those memories I don’t have?

**Axel:** Those’re the ones! But hey, if you don’t have fond memories of something, then you won’t care one way or the other what happens to it.

**Roxas:** Well I have memories of the Organization, at any rate. I couldn’t bear to lose my memories of you or Xion.

**Players/Watchers:** *laugh hysterically before curling up in a corner and crying for days*

**Axel:** Looks like we figured out that every single person has something they want to hold onto.

**Roxas:** What about Saïx?

**Axel:** …I’d like to think he still values our friendship, at least enough to occasionally get talked into things at any rate. And in the manga we know he still likes dogs.

**Roxas:** And Xaldin?

**Axel:** I dread to think of what would happen if he ever lost his sadism.

**Roxas:** He’d be a way better person and people would like him more?

**Axel:** Exactly, we can’t have that.

**Roxas:** …Now I’m scared of losing shit.

**Axel:** WE CAN’T FEEL EMOTIONS WITHOUT HEARTS.

**Roxas:** I HAVE BEEN FEELING EMOTIONS SINCE DAY ONE AND I KNOW YOU HAVE TOO. YOU WEREN’T THERE WHEN WE THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD, I WAS A COMPLETE FUCKING WRECK. IF THAT HAPPENED TO YOU AGAIN I DON’T THINK I WOULD BE ABLE TO HANDLE IT, ESPECIALLY IF SOMETHING HAPPENED TO XION AS WELL. YOU TWO ARE QUITE LITERALLY ALL I’VE GOT.

**Axel:** …Stop being so sweet, why are you being so sweet.

**Roxas:** Why are _you_ being so salt.

**Axel:** *laughs*

~Again, can kind of see where the shipping fodder comes from. Don’t ship it meself, but I can understand.~

_Too Precious to Lose_  
Xion didn’t come to the clock tower again today. She and Saïx had some kind of argument. For some reason she was upset when he implied that she should never have been born in the first place. Man, some people…

Axel and I talked for a while about the things we can’t bear to lose. I just realized he didn’t make fun of me for it at all. Which is odd, maybe my logic actually sort of got to him. Axel thinks that for Nobodies, it’s our pasts, because that’s all we have to remember the pain of losing something. I don’t remember my past, and he knows this, the cocksmear, but the idea of losing the present — Axel or Xion — scares me. GOOD THING _THAT’LL_ NEVER FUCKING HAPPEN, AMIRITE?!

( _Dealing with Xion_  
As expected, the Duplicate is starting to show its limits. The Program showed promise, but a puppet is just a puppet: something to be toyed with until it breaks. Which I may or may not be secretly enjoying out of jealousy, it’s hard to tell with me.

I am utterly at a loss as to what Roxas and Axel see in that thing. I wonder if I was ever told that it looks different to different people. Maybe if I knew that it appeared as a girl to everyone but me and perhaps the Superior, and as a boy to Xigbar, then I would be more sympathetic, if still confused as to which pronoun to refer to it as. How best to dispose of it merits my consideration going forward. Gotta make this game horribly depressing somehow!)

~Day 151: Distress~

**Roxas:** Wonder if Xion’s here today…Nope. _Really_ hope she’s not having problems with her Keyblade again…

**Xigar:** I look into Poppet’s eyes, and I see determination. And also your face.

**Roxas:** What?

**Xigar:** Nothing. C’mere, let’s see your war face. *doesn’t turn around*

**Roxas:** …Uh…

**Xigar:** Oh I think my bunny slippers just ran for cover. COME ON, SCARE ME, GIRL!

**Roxas:** AAAAEEERRGH!

**Xigar:** Yeah, that’s my tough-looking warrior! That’s what I’m talking about! Now get out there and make me proud!

**Roxas:** No.

**Luxord:** What this game needs is a few thrills. Don’t you agree?

**Roxas:** I think I’m getting more than enough thrills this game, thanks.

**Axel:** Okay, pop quiz, Mr. Treasure Hunter. Where you at now? If you’re keeping pace with me, you’d have, say…130 open with all the missions you’ve done. Let me know when you hit that mark.

**Roxas:** I have no idea—

**Axel:** Looks like you’re keeping up just fine. Very nice, man.

**Roxas:** HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS.

**Axel:** Somebody deserves a prize! *looks up* Hey, Luxord!

**Roxas:** Dude!

**Axel:** Heh, I'm just kidding. *gives Roxas Shield Tech* I just saw Xion a little while ago. She was heading out, though.

**Roxas:** Okay, that’s good to know. *heads to Twilight Town near the station and looks up* …Xion? HEY, XION! WHUT UP, BITCH!

**Xion:** WHAT?!

**Roxas:** STAY RIGHT THERE, I’LL BE RIGHT UP!

**Xion:** WHAT ABOUT SANITARY LIGHT-UPS?!

**Roxas:** … *heads up the clock tower* I _said,_ stay right there, I’ll be right up.

**Xion:** Oh. My bad.

**Roxas:** _Man_ we’re good about this covert operation crap!

**Xion:** Eh, pretty much all the kids know who you are anyway. So, um, don’t you have a mission or something you should be doing?

**Roxas:** Yeah, it’s on this planet, actually.

**Xion:** Wonder if they accidentally assigned us the same one, then.

**Roxas:** …

**Xion:** …

**Roxas:** …

**Xion:** …Sorry about ditching you yesterday.

**Roxas:** Hey, Saïx pisses off everyone, I get it.

**Xion:** So the Keyblade still works—

**Roxas:** That’s good!

**Xion:** —but I still fucked up on a mandatory mission.

**Roxas:** That’s bad.

**Xion:** It was the guy masquerading as us, I don’t know if you heard about him?

**Roxas:** I think Xaldin mentioned him, yeah.

**Xion:** My mission was to terminate him with extreme prejudice, but he was too strong for me. And because I was weaker than one of the strongest people in the entire series Saïx told me that it was a mistake to recruit me in the first place. And I only got my Level Doubler, like, that day, _after_ I’d already fucked up that mission! But Saïx won’t let me try again, though, even though I’m actually way stronger now.

**Roxas:** We should throw Saïx into a fire.

**Xion:** He probably burns real good, ‘cause he’s from _HELL!_

**Roxas:** So…wanna help me on my mission? I’ll help you on yours, considering we’re both on the same planet! And I’ll even buy the ice cream this time!

**Xion:** …That actually sounds kind of fun. It’ll be like the old days!

**Roxas:** Exactly! So what’s your mission?

**Xion:** The collecting emblems one, yours?

**Roxas:** Defeat a giant flying Heartless called an Avalanche.

**Xion:** Neat.

**Roxas:** LET’S DO THIS! *grabs some emblems and heads into the tunnels where he and Xion have to fight the occasional Gigas Shadow in order to make the emblems be collected more easily* Think we got the last one, wanna take out that Heartless?

**Xion:** Right behind you! *helps Roxas shoot Fira at it over and over again until it’s dead*

**Roxas:** All right! Let’s RTC! And by RTC I mean go back to where the Dark Corridor actually is, bypass it entirely, and head up to the top of the tower with some ice cream.

**Xion:** Sure.

**Roxas:** *is now sitting next to Xion with some ice cream* Damn I love me some scene cuts! Nom.

**Xion:** Lack of nom.

**Roxas:** …So how ‘bout that Axel? Wonder if he’s still doing the mission. Helps that we’re already on the same rock, I suppose.

**Xion:** Time for a complete flashback of what happened the other day, I guess.

**Keyblade:** *goes flying*

**Xion:** … _OW?!_ *collapses to the ground*

**Riku:** *straightens up from where he just struck her, putting Soul Eater away, walking over to her, taking her hood off, and lifting up his blindfold* …You are not the droid I was looking for. So…Who the hell are you and why do you have a Keyblade, since I’m still of the opinion that only one person can really have it at once.

**Xion:** *pulls her hood back up* How ‘bout you tell me why you’re wearing one of our jackets, first?

**Riku:** My best friend’s in a medically induced coma, and I want to keep him alive.

**Xion:** …Oh. That’s actually a pretty good reason.

**Riku:** So it is. *picks up Xion’s Keyblade* And frankly my target was biologically male. I have no idea who you are, and thus this Keyblade can’t be the real thing. *tosses it aside*

**Xion:** …THE FUCK GIVES YOU THE RIGHT TO TALK TO PEOPLE THAT WAY. *picks up her Keyblade and charges at Riku*

**Riku:** *doesn’t move until the last second, where he spins out of the way and bashes Xion in the back*

**Xion:** *collapses and her Keyblade disappears* …Okay, that was kind of amazingly badass.

**Riku:** Yes it was. But seriously, you might want to find some different people to work for, since the Organization is kind of evil and wants to destroy all of the things.

**Xion:** I actually believe that, but there are a couple friends of mine that also belong to the Organization that I can’t just walk out on.

**Riku:** Your funeral. *starts to walk away*

**Xion:** Also you should know that _you’re_ the one who’s not real. Because you’re dressed as something you’re not. Geddit?

**Riku:** You know, actually, I _do?_ And with me describing myself as the biggest nobody of them all, albeit with a lowercase “n”…Dude am I actually a Nobody? I have no earthly clue! *walks away*

**Xion:** *lets loose the Sound of Ultimate Suffering*

**Residents of Beast’s Castle:** How did we not hear that.

**Roxas:** …Xion? XION! _XIIIIOOOOOOOOOOON!_

**Xion:** WHAT?!

**Roxas:** … _Danger Zone!_

**Xion:** *moves to push Roxas off the tower in disgust*

**Roxas:** *dodges* But seriously, where were you just now?

**Xion:** I’m sorry, I was having a flashback.

**Roxas:** Ah. I’m sorry for disturbing you then.

**Xion:** No you’re not.

**Roxas:** No I’m not.

**Xion:** …So once again, I have no idea what we’re fighting for.

**Roxas:** You know what? Neither do I. All I ever get is the same old “You’ll understand when you’re older” speech, basically, and that’s not nearly enough to go on. Just fucking _explain with your words,_ already!

**Xion:** Exactly, what do we even need hearts _for?_ You and I can still feel emotions, unlike Saïx, that piece of shit!

**Roxas:** I was talking to Axel about this just yesterday!

**Xion:** I just wish I knew what my purpose in life was, you know? Besides the one the Organization gave me, I mean. I don’t want the Organization to validate my existence. I don’t want to be validated by fucking _Saïx._ You and Axel, maybe, sure, but not that ass-clown. *puts a hand over her face* I’ve been having these weird dreams lately.

**Roxas:** What kind of dreams? Nightmares?

**Xion:** More of a scattered dream that’s like a far-off memory. Or a far-off memory that’s like a scattered dream.

**Roxas:** Do you want to line the pieces up?

**Xion:** Maybe. I don’t ever remember what they’re about, which if you read my journal entry for today is a blatant lie, I dreamt that I was drowning in the ocean, but every other nightmare I’ve had, probably including that one, has made me wake up covered in sweat. Well if I’m lucky it’s sweat. *gets up and starts to leave*

**Roxas:** …You know, Xigbar told me some time ago that he thought the two of us were super special snowflakes. Well, he would’ve if his dialogue hadn’t gotten changed for the parody, at any rate.

**Xion:** Special, huh? You know the current negative connotations that word has, right?

**Roxas:** I’m pretty sure he meant it in the more positive context the word used to have. Although it _was_ Xigbar…Hey, if he _did_ mean it as an insult, he was directing it at me, too, you know?

**Xion:** So what? I know for a _fact_ that he didn’t mean it like we were both the same. *gives Roxas her ice cream and leaves*

**Roxas:** …What the fuck just happened.

**Axel:** Hey, sorry I’m late! What’d I miss? *sits down next to Roxas*

**Roxas:** Oh, hey, Axel.

**Axel:** Xion skipping again?

**Roxas:** No, she was here. But she left, though.

**Axel:** …Well aren’t I feeling neglected.

**Roxas:** It’s not just you, believe me.

**Sora:** What am I doing here and why are we doing that scene from the beginning of Chain of Memories.

~Iunno.~

_What Makes Us Different_  
I ran into Xion in Twilight Town. I guess she messed up a mission pretty bad the other day, and it’s been bugging her. I hoped that sharing the mission like we used to would cheer her up, but she must be PMSing or something. I don’t even know what that means.

We went up to the clock tower afterwards. She said me and her are different—which no shit, she’s a girl and she has black straight pixie-cut hair, but I don’t think that’s what she meant. A lot seems to be on her mind, as it’s not the same as what’s on my mind. IT’S ALMOST AS IF DIFFERENT PEOPLE THINK DIFFERENT THINGS THIS IS SUCH A MASSIVE REVELAITON YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW.

( _These Dreams_  
I wasn’t ready to see Roxas again. I can’t help but compare us. We both use the Keyblade, but we’re so different. Mostly because he’s a boy and he has sandy blond hair done up in a ridiculous style that somehow doesn’t require any hair gel, but there are other differences as well, I don’t know why I expected things to be exactly the same just because we both have a Keyblade and amnesia. IT’S ALMOST AS IF DIFFERENT PEOPLE THINK DIFFERENT THINGS THIS IS SUCH A MASSIVE REVELAITON YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW.

Does he get weird TV-static flashbacks on the bottom screen of his mind palace as well? Should I ask him? Would he tell me? It seems like that’s all I do anymore. Last night I dreamt of the ocean. I was drowning. ‘Twas not fun.)


	16. Love Love Love Lo-Lo-Looooooove Lo-Lo-Looooooove Makes The World Go 'Round

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Hey Man I Don't Own Shit:** _Powerpuff Girls,_ Super Best Friends Play, Shakespeare, _Uncharted 3, Firefly, Archer, The Producers, Monty Python's Life of Brian, Spamalot, Harry Potter, Pokémon, Avatar: The Last Airbender, How To Train Your Dragon,_ popular internet memes, the “What is love” song, Twisted: The Untold Story of a Royal Vizier, and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Day 152: The Wrong Buttons~

**Roxas:** Neither of my friends today, huh…

**Xigbar:** I sure hope Poppet pulls through. That was one tough mission she got stuck with.

**Roxas:** Me too…

**Xaldin:** I stumbled upon this earlier. It serves me no purpose. Take it. *gives Roxas Combo Tech* You don’t need a heart to know how to manipulate one. Remember that.

**Roxas:** I really think I dislike you.

**Xaldin:** That is perfectly fine with me.

**Demyx:** Yaaawn…So, when’s our next day off?

**Saïx:** We’re going to Wonderland this week as well even though we barely even scratched the surface with Halloween Town. Most of these missions involve collecting hearts while the optional one requires you to fight a boss.

**Roxas:** Cool. *goes to Halloween Town first* Well at least this music is awesome. Aaaaand there aren’t any Heartless in this alleyway this time. Probably because there _shouldn’t be any in that area in the first place._ Also I don’t remember this balloon being here last time. Too bad I can’t do shit with it. *enters main plaza area thing*

**Jack:** LOOK DOCTOR I MADE BALLOONS! 

**Dr. Finkelstein:** …So?

**Jack:** Um, people attack the balloons, and then they explode.

**Dr. Finkelstein:** …Wow, that was even more scarier. I think I just pissed all over your house.

**Jack:** Well if you weren’t scared before, you won’t believe how apathetic you’ll be later!

**Dr. Finkelstein:** I’m leaving now. Tell me if you ever get an _actual_ idea. *leaves*

**Jack:** Damn it, he’s right, this is stupid. *also leaves*

**Roxas:** Well that’s a huge fucking let down. Time for some actual crap I should be doing! *finds Heartless and kills them before finding Jack talking to Zero*

**Jack:** Seriously, I need to think of something actually terrifying…

**Zero:** *floats around*

**Jack:** I don’t understand you when you talk like that.

**Zero:** *makes one of the balloons turn into a Hover Ghost*

**Jack:** Huh. I didn’t know you could do that. Can you do that with the rest of them?

**Zero:** *shrugs*

**Jack:** Yeah, endangering our citizenry sounds like a splendid idea! Let’s do this! *gives Zero some dog treats because apparently ghosts can eat now* Imma tell Dr. Finkelstein to see who we can murder for this. *leaves*

**Roxas:** …So either that dog can flat-out create Heartless…oooooor he’s just sniffing them out. Either way, could be useful. Now if only there were convenient bones absolutely everywhere…OH LOOK. *picks up a bone* WHY CAN I ONLY PICK UP ONE AT A TIME, MY INVENTORY ISN’T _THAT_ SMALL ANYMORE. *gives Zero a bone anyway and follows him to where the Heartless are, and then kills said Heartless. Lather, rinse, and repeat a couple of times*

**Lock:** YAY, HUMAN FLESH!

**Roxas:** Oh yeah, those terrorists.

**Lock:** LET’S GET RID OF THAT! *throws a bomb in Roxas’s face*

**Roxas:** Why must you keep doing such a rude thing?

**Lock:** Because you’re not dead yet, duh!

**Shock:** This guy’s tougher than we thought! Scatter!

**Barrel:** Should we talk about our secret hiding spot in front of this new guy who could potentially follow us?

**Lock:** Capital idea, old sport! *apparently vanishes with the other two offscreen*

**Roxas:** What is _with_ the kids in this place. *still doesn’t look overly concerned that _children are throwing bombs at his face_ * Oh yeah, where’d that dog go? *goes back out into the plaza and keeps following Zero around until he fills up the mission gauge* Well thanks, boy! Still not sure how you’re able to eat, but glad I could help out!

**Zero:** *flies excitedly in front of him*

**Roxas:** *heads to Twilight Town and starts munching on a popsicle*

**Axel:** Still with the complete lack of Xion, eh?

**Roxas:** Yep. Doubt she’s coming at all today.

**Axel:** *sits down next to him* What did you do.

**Roxas:** I DON’T KNOW.

**Axel:** Women, amirite?

**Roxas:** Doesn’t that make us seem sexist?

**Axel:** I don’t think so, I think it’s more that sometimes men are baffled by a woman’s behavior. Fuck, sometimes _women_ are baffled by a woman’s behavior!

**Roxas:** She seemed to be easy to get along with before…

**Axel:** Yeah, sometimes girls keep their feelings bottled up because they figure we don’t want to hear them, but then they act like we’re supposed to know anyway and get pissed off when we have no clue what they’re talking about. We’re not mind readers, Jesus!

**Roxas:** Huh.

**Axel:** Also they go through hormonal changes more than we do, and that can fuck with their behavior. They’ll get upset at nothing and overreact to everything. It’s completely chemical; they can’t really help it. Well, they sort of can, there are drugs that help, but it’s not as if someone like Saïx is gonna supply them. Hell, that might have been why Larxene was always as bad as she was. I think she became a Nobody while going through one of those hormonal periods and was just stuck that way. Frankly, I think Xion’s been okay so far because she’s a Nobody, and Nobodies are less behaviorally challenged than humans. But all of us have become more and more complex the longer we live, so I guess Xion’s starting to remember at least what it was like to go through all those changes.

**Roxas:** Is there anything we can do to help?

**Axel:** We could switch to chocolate ice cream for a while.

**Roxas:** Be serious.

**Axel:** I completely and totally am.

**Roxas:** I don’t believe you.

**Axel:** Of course you don’t. But in complete honesty, unless they’re allergic or are some kind of monster that doesn’t like it, chocolate helps. Got it memorized?

**Roxas:** I guess we could try that next time.

**Axel:** Next time might be a while. I heard about the failed mission and can’t imagine Saïx went easy on her. Even though we want to be there for her, I think she might want to be alone for right now.

**Roxas:** But I want to help!

**Axel:** You will. When she’s ready to let you.

**Roxas:** Okay…

~Axel’s right about the mind-reading thing, though; I’m a woman and _I_ don’t get why other women are mad at me sometimes.~

_I Don’t Get It_  
I think Xion might be mad at me, but I don’t know why. Axel says girls go through more hormonal changes than boys do. I don’t even know what hormones are, I just know it can cause irrational behavior. Now to figure out how to make Xion irrationally happy…Apparently chocolate helps? Does chocolate even exist on any of these planets?!

( _Like a Real Person_  
Roxas and Xion must have had it out over something. Knowing them, it’s something dumb, but still.

Watching them, it’s like they’re still human. It’s messing with my head. Almost as if Nobodies actually do have hearts after all, or some semblance thereof… _Naaaah._

I kind of wonder if Roxas understood all that hormonal bullshit. I get the sense a lot of it went right over his head.

~Day 153: Disjointed Days~

**Roxas:** Another one of these days. No new dialogue then, right?

**Luxord:** I got a new thing!

**Roxas:** Oh yeah? Let’s hear it!

**Luxord:** Why the long face? Here, how about a game to liven things up? Score at least 50 points in Mission 37, and you win. Come see me once you’re done.

**Roxas:** Hold up, which one was—

**Luxord:** It seems you’ve scored at least 50 points. Here’s a new game. A mission. Saïx will have the details for you.

**Roxas:** This does not sound like a fun prize.

**Luxord:** Finding oneself stumped is part of playing games. Don’t let it get to you.

**Roxas:** Oy vey. *goes to the Moogle and receives some Ominous Gear, which he uses to create the Rejection of Fate* I _like_ the name of this Keyblade…Also the Keyblade itself looks pretty sick. *heads to Olympus with Demyx*

**Demyx:** Why did they send me on heart collection. I am _literally_ not cut out for this.

**Roxas:** To help me weaken them before I take them out, I guess?

**Demyx:** Sure, fine, whatever. Still, I actually don’t mind recon missions so much.

**Roxas:** Do you even do anything during those?

**Demyx:** You caught me.

**Roxas:** Heh. Still, this is a pretty small world, after all—

**Demyx:** I don’t know why, but I suddenly want to violently punch you in the throat.

**Roxas:** That’s nice, but my point is that we won’t have to go far to search for Heartless.

**Demyx:** That _is_ a nice thing to hear. Lead on, Macduff!

**Roxas:** …It’s _lay_ on.

**Demyx:** Hell, if I wanted schooling, I’d a gone to school.

**Roxas:** Just follow me.

**Demyx:** Wait, aren’t we supposed to be a covert op? What if someone sees us?

**Roxas:** They have already, I’m actually kind of a trainee here. You can be one too, if you want.

**Demyx:** I do not want.

**Roxas:** Fine, stay here and get smacked around by Heartless.

**Demyx:** Okay! I’ll handle the ones out here and you handle the ones in there! We’ll get the quota of hearts in half the time!

**Roxas:** No we won’t, _you can’t collect hearts._

**Demyx:** You’re right, I’ll just nap.

**Roxas:** Oh look, Heartless.

**Demyx:** Fine, fine, I’ll help. *helps Roxas kill them all* Still not going inside, though.

**Roxas:** Well at least you helped a little more than not at all. *goes inside* …Is no one here?

**Phil:** There is, I’m just training someone else inside the actual arena.

**Roxas:** Imma spy on you! *goes in*

**Hercules:** I HAVE A SWORD.

**Phil:** That’s nice, how ‘bout you actually fucking use it?

**Hercules:** Okay…

**Phil:** And now do one handed push-ups with me on your back.

**Hercules:** …You know how strong I am, how is this challenging for me in any way.

**Phil:** After doing several consecutive hours of this you’ll be singing a different tune.

**Hercules:** More like several consecutive _days_ …

**Demyx:** See, this is why I didn’t want to join you.

**Roxas:** Oh, you came after all.

**Demyx:** Phrasing!

**Roxas:** So are all the Heartless that I helped you kill in the first place dead or what?

**Demyx:** Well obviously, considering you were there to help me kill them all. Otherwise I probably just would’ve ditched them and came after you. So you done with your quota yet?

**Roxas:** No, usually they’d be in here and Phil would have me throw barrels at them, which apparently counts since I’m bashing the barrels in their general direction with the Keyblade, I have no fucking clue, but considering I haven’t even had a chance to talk to Phil yet…

**Demyx:** How ‘bout you go do that, then.

**Roxas:** What, you don’t wanna take a bunch of steroids and try but fail to fight Hercules and get your ass handed to you by Saïx soon after?

**Demyx:** Indeed, I am definitely thrilled that this isn’t the manga version. *leaves*

**Roxas:** That’s fair, I guess. *turns to Hercules and Phil* …That guy’s doing great, why is Phil yelling at him? Also why is he so invested in that guy’s training, even Axel cuts me some slack when we’re on missions together. Suddenly I don’t even feel like I’ve been trained properly for my job…

**Phil:** All right, Herc, we’re magically done for the entire day now. *sees Roxas* Hey, kid! Get your scrawny ass over here!

**Roxas:** Huh boy.

**Phil:** Okey dokey, let’s get this show on the road! This time you’re killing Loudmouths with barrels on a different terrain! TOTALLY TOUGHER TRAINING!

**Roxas:** Ooh, Phil, what alliteration!

**Phil:** Thank you, darling!

**Roxas:** *does the thing, poorly*

**Phil:** …Sixty-seven, huh?

**Roxas:** *shrugs*

**Phil:** …How ‘bout trying for a hundred this time?

**Roxas:** How ‘bout I try for a full mission gauge this time? *does the thing until he’s harvested enough organs* Still nowhere near and I’m kind of past caring.

**Phil:** And yet in this mandatory cutscene I’m still impressed with your progress enough that you can actually enter the games next time.

**Roxas:** You make no sense.

**Phil:** I’m fickle. Besides, this is only the Pussy Cup for pussies anyway. Also we’re still gonna do bullshit training missions maybe.

**Roxas:** So who was that guy you were training before? He that star pupil you keep gushing about?

**Phil:** Yep! He’s your old buddy! Sure has changed a lot, hasn’t he?

**Roxas:** Right, forgot we were actually going with this. Um…Why does he get all the non-sucky training?

**Phil:** Well for one thing, it’s been roughly ten years if not more. For another…I had a dream once. I dreamed that I was gonna train the greatest hero that ever was. So great, the gods would paint a picture of him in the sky, all across the stars. And people would say, “That’s Phil’s boy. That’s right.” And I really think Hercules might be the one to do that. Frankly at this point he already might’ve and this is post movie maybe. Surprised Meg doesn’t show up until after you’ve been assimilated but frankly I’m fine with that.

**Roxas:** Ellipsis.

**Phil:** Right, sorry about splooshing all over. Got two words of advice for you when you get into the tournament: Don’t fuck up and die. I will be really mad if you fuck up and die. I’m lookin’ forward to how well you do, ya know?

**Roxas:** …So people expect you to do better when they expect you to do better? That doesn’t make any sense. Then again, the Organization expects me to complete really challenging missions even by myself at times…Do they actually have faith in me or do they not even understand what having faith in someone is either?

**Phil:** Well Imma piss off for the day.

**Roxas:** How shall you piss off, O Lord?

**Phil:** By picking up some groceries and sexually harassing various females, of course!

**Roxas:** …I’m just gonna leave now…

**Demyx:** *is waiting by the Dark Corridor* We done?

**Roxas:** In a sec, I am pondering a thing.

**Demyx:** What’re you pondering?

**Roxas:** …You do recon a lot, right?

**Demyx:** As established, yes.

**Roxas:** Because you can’t harvest organs?

**Demyx:** … _As established, yes._

**Roxas:** But aren’t you expected to at least kill Purebloods or something?

**Demyx:** Pfft, no! If they want something done right, they pick who does what based on skill level and ability/expected skill level and ability.

**Roxas:** So I’m just a tool to be used and thrown away whenever I don’t measure up?

**Demyx:** Now you’re catching on!

**Roxas:** I don’t like this.

**Demyx:** Me neither, but it’s this or death by Dusk transformation, so…

**Roxas:** Fuck this, let’s go. *drops off Demyx at the Castle That Never Was and heads to the clock tower in Traverse Town with a popsicle while singing softly*  
 _I’m all alone_  
 _All by myself_  
 _There is no one here beside me_  
 _I’m all alone_  
 _Quite all alone_  
 _No one to comfort me or guide me…_

~When all else fails, include a song reference.~

_No Taste For It_  
It’s hard spending time with Xion, considering she never actually shows up so I _can’t_ spend time with her so that makes it even more difficult to enjoy it. Oh and Axel seems busy, too, I guess. I’ve been having ice cream alone, but it’s just not the same. I’m super salty all the time, and my hands are all sticky. Despite that I wear gloves all the time. Yeah that’s right, I wear gloves while eating ice cream. It’s like I’m going through the motions of eating it just so I can throw the stick out and get on with life. Can Nobodies get depressed? ‘Cause I sound depressed. I must’ve had about a hundred of these things, and I still haven’t found another WINNER. It’s given me a reason to keep eating them, though, and considering these things are the only things I seem to actually eat…This got dark fast.

I never did find a way to ask Xion about the pictures in my head. Is there more I could’ve said?

( _This Is Gonna Be a Hit!_  
I’ve got my new hit single! Yeah, I got a journal too, where do you think I put all my song ideas?

X-face is always barking at me to work, but what’s he expect me to do against a monster like that? I don’t care if I’m That One Boss for some, I know I’m a weakling who’s not cut out for fighting! I mean, stop and think about skill sets when you divide up the labor already! Jesus!)

~Day 154~

**Roxas:** Nothing new to say, huh? Okay, might as well head to this new planet that is transparently Wonderland. *equips Phantom Gear to make Crown of Guilt and heads to a new planet that is transparently Wonderland*

**Wonderland title card:** This is transparently Wonderland.

**Roxas:** How come we never have to do recon first when coming to a new planet, why do I just get sent in to murder everything without even knowing what’s going in?

**Sora flashback:** *happens*

**Roxas:** WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING.

**White Rabbit:** I don’t care, I’m late again.

**Roxas:** It’s been like half a year later, why are you still always late for everything? And if you _are_ always late for everything, why are you still alive?

**White Rabbit:** Pfft, I don’t fucking know. *runs off*

**Roxas:** …Why is the flashback swinging his Keyblade at the same time I’m opening a chest, was he just practicing? And why does he keep appearing while I’m just running around, WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING, WHY IS THERE A POSSESSOR ON THE BOTTOM SCREEN, NOT ONCE IN KINGDOM HEARTS ONE DOES A POSSESSOR APPEAR ANYWHERE IN THE GAME. *goes into the next room and sees a tiny White Rabbit disappear into the door with a talking doorknob* …That happened.

**Doorknob:** That can happen when you use a Shrinking Solution. It doesn’t reverse age like a toad being turned into a tadpole, it just shrinks you as its name suggests. Or it should anyway, I don’t know _what_ was going on in PoA.

**Roxas:** …I don’t know why, but this room feels bigger than it should. Possibly just from the lack of giant talking animals. Also there’s a talking doorknob. I feel like I should be alarmed by this.

**Doorknob:** Well can you hurry up with that, I wanna sleep.

**Roxas:** First tell me where the Shrinking Solution is.

**Doorknob:** Table.

**Roxas:** Thanks. *drinks and shrinks. Heh heh, made a rhyme* So can I get through? What’s behind this door anyway besides a Keyhole to the planet and absolutely nothing else?

**Doorknob:** I can’t hear you, I’m asleep.

**Roxas:** *uses THUNDER! It’s not very effective…* Okay, time to try the hole in the wall next to him…Which has been blocked off by the Organization. For absolutely no reason. *heaves a heavy sigh and starts killing Striped Arias* Damn these things have a lot of health, this is gonna get annoying fast…YAY GREY CAPRICES AND SAPPHIRE ELEGIES HAVE FAR LESS HEALTH yay.

**Sapphire Elegies:** *can teleport*

**Roxas:** Still less annoying. *kills everything super easily*

**Chair:** *wobbles*

**Roxas:** I don’t remember a third chair. Come to think of it, I don’t remember this room at all, why did I even say that.

**Chair:** *morphs into a Lurk Lizard*

**Roxas:** …So now Reptile the Invisiblessed can shapeshift into inanimate objects. Sure, why not.

**Reptile the Invisiblessed:** *can also Apparate and doesn’t leave a shadow to track or anything*

**Roxas:** Okay, _you’re_ an asshole. *eventually kills it, jumps up onto the table, and chugs from the other bottle to grow big again* I feel like if I were with anyone else there would be a _lot_ of dick jokes flying around right now. *heads to the clock tower again*

**Axel:** HELLO!

**Roxas:** About fucking time!

**Axel:** *sits next to him and they both have ice cream together* Sorry me and Xion haven’t shown up. I think Saïx knows we’re friends and purposely overworks us so we can barely hang out anymore.

**Roxas:** Dick.

**Axel:** Ah, he’s just jelly. Cheer up already.

**Roxas:** No.

**Axel:** …Fine, be that way.

~Day 155~

**Roxas:** *goes to Agrabah without talking to anyone*

**Xaldin:** *follows along to somewhere that isn’t Beast’s Castle for once*

**Roxas:** *goes directly into the Cave of Wonders without killing everything for once, just wanting to get the mission over with*

**Solid Armor:** *is already waiting for them with a Large Armor appearing in front of it*

**Roxas and Xaldin:** *take a while to beat it due to health bar but make it happen eventually*

**Roxas:** …So we’re not even gonna talk to each other?

**Xaldin:** Why would I want to do that?

**Roxas:** Fuck it, never mind. *apparently doesn’t even go to the clock tower this time*

~Day 156~

**Roxas:** *goes to Beast’s Castle with Xigbar of all people*

**Xigbar:** It really feels like your partners for the last two days should’ve been swapped, huh, kiddo?

**Roxas:** *kills Icy Cubes in silence*

**Xigbar:** …ALL RIGHTY THEN!

~Day 171: Love~

**Roxas:** Well today’s topic is gonna be awkward to talk to Axel about.

**Xigbar:** Hey, kiddo, keeping up with that hero training? How’s about I take a look?

**Roxas:** …Crap. How’s about no.

**Xigbar:** Score at least 130 points on Mission 39 and I’ll give you a gold star for the day.

**Roxas:** No.

**Xigbar:** How ‘bout it, champ? Let’s see you score 130 points in Mission 39. Get to that training!

**Roxas:** No. Fuck you and fuck your training.

**Demyx:** Hunting missions are seriously not my scene…

**Axel:** Xion? She left, man. What, you missed her again?

**Roxas:** Guess so.

**Axel:** That’s rough, buddy.

**Roxas:** …So am I meeting Xaldin who’s already there or what? *goes to Beast’s Castle*

**Beast:** Rawr.

**Roxas:** At it again, huh? *heads outside, killing every Heartless along the way*

**Beast:** Agrawarar.

**Roxas:** That was certainly a noise. *heads for the bridge*

**Beast:** *gets thrown over the wall* … _Ow?!_

**Roxas:** …Dayum. *walks over to him* Man, I really wanted to give him a Hi-Potion or something. Fuck you, game! *stares at door* …I’m peeing my shit over here. *opens the door*

**Infernal Engine:** *is a giant, bridge-wide Heartless with monster truck wheels, three smaller Heartless on top of it, and giant evil metal teeth*

**Roxas:** …That’s horseshit. That’s crap. Coming out of a horse’s butt. *summons Keyblade anyway*

**Infernal Engine:** *unloads giant red cannon balls*

**Roxas:** *dodges all of them* Excuse me, sir. Excuse me, I need to fuck you up.

**Infernal Engine:** *has a giant ray gun type thing jut out of its mouth and gain energy*

**Roxas:** Oh, I’m gonna punch his asshole! *bashes the thing* Yeah, I punched his asshole. _Kablam!_

**Infernal Engine:** *blasts him with the cannon thing*

**Roxas:** *getting pissed with how long this is taking* Let me achieve victory, you fucker! *Limit Breaks it*

**Three smaller Heartless dancing on the top:** *continuously shoot explosives down at Roxas*

**Roxas:** Please dine on many dicks. Seventeen perhaps.

**Infernal Engine:** *has an actual cannon shoot fireballs out of its mouth*

**Roxas:** You guys look like shit. Bams. Bams. Kablam. Wham-bam. Thank you ma’am. *hits the fireballs back at the three smaller Heartless so they can no longer drop bombs on him*

**Infernal Engine:** *spits out boxes that contain Soldier Heartless*

**Roxas:** Scientists theorize that this is bullshit! *kills them all while still bashing the Infernal Engine*

**Three smaller Heartless:** *eventually respawn*

**Roxas:** You can’t fuck me up, I got brains. *finally finishes bashing the Infernal Engine to death* NOW WHO IS THE BITCHES!

**Infernal Engine:** *loses its wheels as it collapses and a giant crystal pink heart rises out of it and vanishes*

**Roxas:** Well. Sure showed him what for. *heads back to the courtyard*

**Belle:** Well this isn’t good.

**Roxas:** Uh-oh, someone’s coming.

**Belle:** Phrasing! *runs down the steps and up to where Beast is collapsed* You okay, lady?

**Beast:** Oh I’m hurt! I am very much hurt!

**Belle:** I can see that.

**Beast:** Also there’s a kid dressed in black over there.

**Belle:** Oh I’m sure it’s fine. Here, let me attempt to drag you back inside.

**Beast:** Oh yeah, you can lift me, sure.

**Belle:** I somehow got your unconscious ass onto Fillip, didn’t I? I can drag you back into a castle.

**Beast:** But Heartless, though.

**Belle:** It’s _fine,_ I can sense that shit, remember? They all dead.

**Beast:** …I got thrown over a wall…but I guess I must’ve damaged it enough that it died of its wounds moments later. Sure, let’s go with this.

**Belle:** …You’re gonna get yourself killed if you keep this up, you know that, right?

**Beast:** Yeah but I want to protect you and the others.

**Belle:** I COULD BREAK THE SPELL RIGHT FUCKING NOW.

**Beast:** SO JUST DO IT ALREADY!

**Shia LeBouf: DO IT! JUST** _**DO IT!**_

**Roxas:** …So he was protecting her and the demonic furniture, and not just the rose? What is…Why am I so…giddy? Why do I want to flail my arms and do happy spin dances of squee whenever I watch them? Why do I want to think about them all the time and imagine them in countless happily-ever-after situations? *gasps* Is this what shipping feels like?!

**Xaldin:** There’s like a party in my mouth and everyone’s throwing up.

**Roxas:** And where have _you_ been this whole time?

**Xaldin:** Away from all the lovey-dovey crap over there.

**Roxas:** What is love?

**Xaldin:** A disease. Don’t speak of it again or I will hurt you.

**Roxas:** Baby don’t hurt me.

**Xaldin:** Stop that.

**Roxas:** Don’t hurt me.

**Xaldin:** I’m…I’m gonna…punch your face.

**Roxas:** No more.

**Xaldin:** I’m gonna kill you. Just like I’m gonna kill those two and prove that love won’t save them.

**Roxas:** Hey. Do not be fooled by appearances, for though it may seem small, the power to love one another is the greatest power of all.

**Xaldin:** That’s nice, but even without hearts I don’t think it matters whether we know of it or not anyway. And neither will they, frankly. Nothing is made to last.

**Roxas:** …You were dumped back when you were a human, weren’t you.

**Xaldin:** T-TWELVE BILLION POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR. *leaves in a hurry*

**Roxas:** As I thought. *goes to the clock tower at a more sedate pace*

**Axel:** *is munching on ice cream*

**Roxas:** ‘Sup, nerd.

**Axel:** You seem in a better mood today.

**Roxas:** *sits next to him* Feel like I’d be feeling even better if Xion were here.

**Axel:** You and me both. We should go talk to her.

**Roxas:** Hey, if she doesn’t want to hang with us then she doesn’t want to hang with us.

**Axel:** I guess that’s true, but we can still go and see—

**Roxas:** I have a question.

**Axel:** What’s up?

**Roxas:** *suddenly bursts into song* _I WANNA KNOW WHAT LOVE IS._

**Axel:** …Roxas…I never realized… *sniffs* You’re a good singer!

**Roxas:** Well thank you, Axel!

**Axel:** No, I mean really, like a professional!

**Roxas:** Answer the fucking question, Axel.

**Axel:** I don’t wanna, it’s awkward, not to mention sad to think about.

**Roxas:** Why’s that?

**Axel:** Love is one of the most powerful emotions there is, if one can even call it an emotion. Fucking wars have been fought over it. And we as Nobodies will never be able to experience it.

**Roxas:** Would you stop being so negative—

**Axel:** We need hearts to love, man. That’s the whole point. You gotta feel it in your heart.

**Roxas:** …Well that just gave me tons of motivation to do my job.

**Axel:** Oh. Well I better keep explaining then. Love is what happens when there’s a special bond between two people.

**Roxas:** Like the bond you and I share?

**Axel:** Pfft, of course not, you can’t love your friends! I’m talking about _romantic_ love, man!

**Roxas:** Oh. I don’t know what that is. In fact apart from _maybe_ Sora and Kairi I don’t think any of the original characters in this game know what that is.

**Axel:** Yeah, these games tend to focus on friendship being the greatest magic of all as opposed to true love.

**Roxas:** So once Kingdom Hearts is complete…

**Axel:** Then you’ll be able to love, yes.

**Roxas:** I still kind of feel like I know the general feeling now, just in more of a platonic sense.

**Axel:** Nope, no heart, no feelings.

**Roxas:** I believe you less and less as time goes on.

**Axel:** So do I, frankly.

~How did I get this far without once making a Jesse McCartney joke up till now.~

_What’s Love?_  
On my mission at Beast’s Castle, Xaldin told me about “love” and the special power it has over people. He seemed to think it was worthless. I seem to think he’s a piece of shit who never got over whoever dumped him.

I tried to ask Axel about it, but his explanation didn’t make any sense to me. Every time I ask him about this kind of thing he tells me I need a heart to understand. He is _so_ avoiding the question. Probably thinks I’m too dumb to understand, the prick.

( _The No. i Project_  
Xion failed to complete its mission. If this continues, destroying it and using the next Replica as the Duplicate would undoubtedly yield a higher-grade copy. No idea how we’re gonna create a new Replica without Vexen but I’m sure we’ll think of something.

No. i was among the initial lot, which naturally raises questions about its capabilities. At present, it is nothing short of broken. I cannot fathom why Xemnas would want to keep it. Probably because it’s still fairly strong and competent but just weaker than this new enemy that’s masquerading as one of us. Maybe I should try dealing with it myself or send a different, more experienced member after this enemy instead of writing off such an inexperienced member as worthless because it failed this one job… _Naaaaaaah._ )


	17. (Wake Her Up) Wake Her Up Inside (She Can't Wake Up) Wake Her Up Inside (SAVE HER) Dump A Bunch Of Seashells On Her Face

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Betcha Didn't Think I Owned Any Of This Shit:** Evanescence, Super Best Friends Play, _Harry Potter, Archer,_ Naruto: The Abridged Comedy Fandub Spoof Series Show, _Willy Wonka and the chocolate factory, Legend of Korra, How To Train Your Dragon, Sherlock,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Day 172: Sound of the Surf~

**Roxas:** I LEARNED CURA YESTERDAY. I’M SO HYPED. I JUST WANNA TAKE TONS OF DRUGS.

**Luxord:** So how’ve you been enjoying the game so far?

**Roxas:** Do you mean that life’s a game or are you being meta?

**Luxord:** Little of column A, little of column B.

**Roxas:** M’kay…

**Luxord:** EVERYTHING I SAY INVOLVES CARD PUNS.

**Roxas:** I look forward to your memoirs.

**Luxord:** Also we’ll be working together today.

**Roxas:** Neat.

**Luxord:** Also also Xion’s in a coma.

**Roxas:** Less neat. *starts to run off*

**Saïx:** Yeah no.

**Roxas:** Actually yes.

**Saïx:** You have a mission.

**Roxas:** Which I have all day to do since none of them have ever taken more than an hour to complete. _Ever._

**Saïx:** Xion won’t wake up just with your presence, you know.

**Roxas:** Okay, A, you don’t know that, and B, I don’t care. I’m _going_ to see her.

**Saïx:** I don’t get it. That thing is fucking busted. It’s just a shitty pile of goo basically.

**Roxas:** And I want to protect that not-pile of goo. Protect its smile.

**Saïx:** You’re a weird guy, wanting to protect a fucked up toy like that.

**Roxas:** You call her anything like that again and I’ll shove this Keyblade so far up your fucking butthole it will no longer be able to pucker!

**Saïx:** …HUH?!

**Roxas:** That’s like the most important part of your butthole. Its ability to pucker accurately. You know it.

**Saïx:** …Look, I’ll call the thing whatever I fucking want, okay?!

**Roxas:** How fucking sexist _are_ you!

**Saïx:** How can I be sexist if it doesn’t even have a gender?!

**Roxas:** SHE CLEARLY DOES, THOUGH! You’re thinking of biological sex, which maybe she doesn’t have, that’s fine, I’m gonna be polite and not check, but she answers to female pronouns and that _should_ be good enough for everyone!

**Saïx:** And yet I’m still referring to _it_ as a nobody with a lowercase “n”.

**Roxas:** So you’re transphobic as well, great, good to know, valid reasons for hatred are always good.

**Saïx:** Look, I understand if you’re concerned that Xion’s recent failings will reflect badly on you—

**Roxas:** I AM CONCERNED FOR THE WELLBEING OF MY FRIEND. _HOW IS THIS SUCH A FUCKING ALIEN CONCEPT TO YOU._ I thought you were still friends with Axel, man! What if something happened to him?!

**Saïx:** Then we’d be without a firebender. Just like we’re currently without an earthbender or anyone who can manipulate ice or lightning or flowers or book pages. And would you look at that, we’re still in business.

**Roxas:** … *turns to leave* See you, shitlord. You big shitbag. You huge bag of shit. I’m saying that you’re poop. *goes to Xion’s room*

**Xion:** I’M UNCONSCIOUS!

**Roxas:** I’ve been carrying one of the shells you gave me this whole time! *puts it on her pillow*

**Xion:** Awwww!

**Roxas:** …Anything?

**Xion:** Think it’s gonna take a bit longer than that, sorry.

**Roxas:** Damn it… *reluctantly goes back to the main room*

**Luxord:** Ready to begin? We can leave whenever you’re ready.

**Xigbar:** What, are you still worried about Poppet? She’ll wake up when she wakes up.

**Roxas:** Fuck you.

**Xigbar:** Hey, the same thing happened to you, remember? And you’re fine, ain’t ya?

**Roxas:** …Huh, guess you’re right.

**Demyx:** Hey, did you hear about Xion?

**Roxas:** Uh-huh.

**Demyx:** Word is, she fought one tough customer. Ugh, the thought of bumping into a guy like that…See why recon’s important?

**Roxas:** Sure do. So why don’t we do any the instant we discover a new planet but always leave it till the next trip.

**Demyx:** Iunno. Hey, how about you show me how it’s done? Go scout Mission 45 and find all the hidden Heartless. Examine any spot that looks fishy. Track them down—I’ll make it up to you! (And get to kick back in the meantime.)

**Roxas:** Well I’m not sure but I think I might’ve—

**Demyx:** Ooh! You found ‘em all! Investigating suspicious spots is the first lesson in Recon 101! (Getting somebody else to do it for you is lesson number two.) *gives Roxas Frost Gem* I just hope I don’t bump into any nasties out there…

**Roxas:** *sighs*

**Saïx:** Will raising you to a new rank shut you up?

**Roxas:** It won’t hurt. *buys and synthesizes crap from the Moogle That Never Was and equips Prestige Gear to make Total Eclipse* Why do I have a sudden desire to YouTube literal videos. *also equips Cura because OBVIOUSLY and heads to Wonderland with Luxord*

**Luxord:** So we’re gonna encounter a smoking caterpillar, each of us will grow to monumental size and also shrink to the size of ants and make the Cheshire Cat chase us, I’ll accidentally make the Queen of Hearts fall for me, and we’ll destroy the fuck out of a castle made up of dark blobs, right?

**Roxas:** …No. None of those things will happen except for the momentarily shrinking part.

**Luxord:** Huh. This sounds like a lame mission then.

**Roxas:** Yes it does. Now I guess I should catch you up on the anthropomorphic white rabbit who was late for something.

**Luxord:** …I can already tell that this planet’s gonna be such a joy. And now to lecture you on the value of luck and use a bunch of chance-related metaphors—

**Roxas:** LOOK, SHRINKING SOLUTION. DRINK THIS SHIT.

**Luxord:** OKAY. And now I’m tiny.

**Roxas:** So you are. And now there are Heartless everywhere. *takes them all out with Luxord and goes through the hole in the wall* Well that’s…different.

**Luxord:** I thought this area was blocked off the last time you came here, have you been here before?

**Roxas:** …I was just expecting it to look different, I guess. More an outdoor courtyard area and less a grassy area with four doors that brings to mind Chain of Memories more than anything else. Whoa, trees with red and yet-to-be-painted white roses. Nice touch.

**Ace of Hearts:** This garden belongs to the Queen. And it’s private. Piss off. Thank you.

**Ace of Diamonds:** Ditto.

**Ditto:** DITTO!

**Cheshire Cat:** Hi, I’m here now.

**Roxas:** …And now there’s a pink and purple cat who can talk. SURE. WHY NOT. And TV static flashbacks again, great.

**Cheshire Cat:** So did you want information out of me, or…?

**Roxas:** Actually, now that you mention it—

**Cheshire Cat:** DISAPPARATE!

**Roxas and Luxord:** *throw their arms up over their faces* Ah, magic!

**Roxas:** …That happened.

**Luxord:** Let’s get back to killing things.

**Roxas:** Sounds good. *helps Luxord kill all the things*

**Cheshire Cat:** So how’s the death going? Did you get that one breed of Heartless you wanted?

**Roxas:** D’you know, we _did!_

**Luxord:** Where were you there? Where were you there? What are you going?

**Roxas:** He fucking you up or what?

**Luxord:** Maybe a little bit. Maybe just a little bit.

**Cheshire Cat:** Cool. There’s one more of those, you know.

**Roxas:** You gonna tell us where or you gonna continue to be a douchenozzle.

**Cheshire Cat:** Wouldn’t it be wonderful if you all died horrible deaths?

**Roxas:** Yeah, he’s not helping us.

**Cheshire Cat:** Birdcage next to the queen’s seat thing. Go. Get.

**Roxas:** …Okay, that works! *goes back into the courtroom area and hits the birdcage until it comes down*

**Pink Concerto:** *appears*

**Roxas:** IT’S MURDERING TIME! *kills it*

**Luxord:** Game, set, match.

**Roxas:** Hades said it better.

**Luxord:** I know.

**Cheshire Cat:** *Apparates in* Yay, you did the thing.

**Roxas:** How’d you know where it would be? You evil or just omnipotent?

**Cheshire Cat:** I don’t think anyone really knows. Disapparate!

**Roxas and Luxord:** *throw up their hands* Ah, magic!

**Roxas:** …Well that was a fantastically framed battle of wits.

**Luxord:** No it wasn’t and you’ll never be a match for that guy.

**Roxas:** Well _excuuuuuuuuuuuuse me,_ Princess! *ditches Luxord at the Dark Corridor as he heads for Twilight Town*

**Axel:** No ice cream for you either today, huh? *sits down next to him*

**Roxas:** Just didn’t seem right. You hear what happened?

**Axel:** To Xion? Yeah, Saïx told me this morning.

**Roxas:** Why does he hate her so much? Is it because she’s a chick? Larxene never faced this much hatred, did she?

**Axel:** How is it that you’re able to act like a real person so easily?

**Roxas:** Maybe it’s because I don’t really know how not to be.

**Axel:** That’s a very good point.

**Roxas:** …Xion’s gonna wake up, right?

**Axel:** Of course, we still have like half the game or more to go.

**Roxas:** That’s true, I guess. But Saïx called her fucking busted.

**Axel:** Enh, so is everyone, really.

**Roxas:** This is different. Saïx seems to really _hate_ Xion. It’s like there’s an actual reason behind it maybe. And frankly I think he knows something about me too.

**Axel:** …Fine, I’ll ask.

**Roxas:** You will?! *stands up on the ledge*

**Axel:** Don’t fall down. Falling down is lame and for losers. Also don’t get your hopes up, you know how Saïx is.

**Roxas:** But he still listens to you in the end.

**Axel:** That he does. And now to go right into the movie cutscene! *RTCs* So Saïx, you gonna tell me what’s going on or what?

**Saïx:** Remember how you do all the icky jobs so I get to go to the top? I’m at the top. You’re at the bottom. I outrank you.

**Axel:** And yet I’m not gonna let up until you tell me what’s going on with Xion.

**Saïx:** Right, because we always tell each other everything.

**Axel:** You pulled away first, doucheface.

**Saïx:** Xion isn’t meant to be part of the Organization, you know.

**Axel:** And now you’re just being mean.

**Saïx:** When you eventually get your eyes examined, you’ll see exactly what I mean.

**Axel:** I really don’t think I will. You let Larxene in, and she was a girl. Do you think all girls are traitors or something now because of that, what’s the deal?

**Saïx:** Nobodies have no concept of gender.

**Axel:** Okay now you’re just making shit up. Everyone but Xion answers to male pronouns, and, again, Larxene used to answer to female pronouns as well as Xion. You are seriously sounding super misogynistic right now.

**Saïx:** And here is me not caring what you think. *walks away*

**Axel:** …Why aren’t I throwing a chakram in your fucking back right now.

**Xion:** Yay there are two shells now! Ooooh, the pink one’s pretty… *rolls over onto shells and breaks them *

~Okay no but what if she did.~

_Xion’s Collapsed_  
Xion failed her mission and now she’s in a deep sleep. I thought they were lying to me when they told me, but I went to see her, and she really was just asleep. I left a seashell by her pillow, just like she did for me. Hopefully she’ll only be out for roughly as long as I was.

Saïx hates her. I think he’s sexist. Maybe he knows more about her than the rest of us do, but I still can’t think of a reason why he would hate her.

Those pictures flashed through the bottom screen of my mind palace again on today’s mission (the same boy in red as usual). I guess he’s been to Wonderland. I’m still trying to figure out what it is I’m seeing. MAYBE IF I ACTUALLY TALK TO XION ABOUT IT or Axel but he’d just blow me off so never mind.

( _Meaning Behind the Words_  
There has to be something to what Saïx said. Why isn’t Xion qualified to be one of us? He said to just look at her, but at what? The fact that she looks like Naminé? Or could he possibly see something different…Nah, that’d just be silly, why would anyone see something different while looking at her? Just because I could only see her with her hood up while Roxas saw her face back when we first met doesn’t mean other people could also see other things or anything!

Xion and Naminé must be connected. Either that or there’s just a lack of good character design around here. Whose Nobody is Xion, anyway? Did Naminé’s Somebody have a twin? What is Saïx hiding besides everything?)

~Day 173: Lies~

**Roxas:** Well that title sounds promising.

**Axel:** Doesn’t it, though.

**Roxas:** Did you talk to Saïx?

**Axel:** Sure did, and the only things he told me were more insults in Xion’s general direction. I couldn’t get anything that didn’t sound misogynistic or possibly transphobic out of him.

**Roxas:** Well that figures.

**Axel:** Still, if Xion wakes up and manages to kick ten kinds of ass upon awakening, maybe she’ll forcibly change his mind about her. So don’t you slack off in the meantime, got it?

**Roxas:** Sounds good to me! *goes to talk to other people*

**Axel:** …I feel so fucking bad right now…

**Luxord:** It’s game time, Roxas. Use synthesis at the shop to combine a Gear Component A, a Rune Tech, and some Bronze. Report back when you’re done.

**Roxas:** What, this Chrono Gear+ that I don’t even use?

**Luxord:** Looks like you’ve done it. Here’s your prize. Enjoy. *gives Roxas Shining Gem*

**Axel:** Hey, Roxas. Have you been working on your weapons any? Saïx said he had a special mission for you, but…Well, from the sound of it, you’ll need a decent weapon first. Gotta be safe. If you want at the mission, show me a weapon with three or more units installed.

**Roxas:** Sigh, fine. *swaps Fearless Gear+ for Prestige Gear*

**Axel:** Whoa, nice piece! You should be fine with that weapon.

**Roxas:** Phrasing.

**Axel:** It’s not that I had any doubts, but, you know…Anyway, I’ll tell Saïx you’re ready to take that mission on.

**Roxas:** Cool. *swaps weapon panels again when Axel’s not looking*

**Axel:** Let’s take care of business so we can get to the fun stuff.

**Demyx:** Is Xion still doing the Rip Van Winkle thing? Man, what happened?

**Saïx:** We’re just getting bombarded with new planets over here. This one’s transparently Neverland.

**Roxas:** Neat. Going to Halloween Town first.

**Saïx:** Of course you are.

**Roxas:** *goes to Halloween Town* Just a simple organ harvesting mission, nothing to worry about… *collects bones so Zero can lead him around again* Now where’s that ghost dog at… *goes to the graveyard*

**Jack:** LOOK I BUILT CREEPY LANTURNS.

**Zero:** *shakes head in disappointment*

**Jack:** Oh what do _you_ know. *stomps off in a huff*

**Roxas:** *takes his cue* Here boy! Find Heartless for me!

**Zero:** *does the thing*

**Roxas:** *finds himself in an area where he has to light five of the creepy lanterns in order to dive into a crypt* Oh this can only end well.

**Lock:** Sure, of course it will!

**Roxas:** Oh good, terrorists. *gets bomb in face* Would you _please_ stop.

**Lock, Shock, and Barrel:** *block Roxas from going any further and throw more bombs at him in an attempt to make him go away*

**Roxas:** *finally learns to dodge* That’s it, I’m done. *draws Keyblade*

**Lock:** …Should we remember that other kid who could do that or do we have by-proxy amnesia at this point.

**Shock:** No idea.

**Barrel:** How ‘bout we run away from the homicidal maniac now.

**Lock and Shock:** Good plan.

**Roxas:** Fun fact: Kids don’t require that much oxygen. That’s why they’re hard to smother. *chases them around and beats them within an inch of their lives* You guys done? Can I move past this area now?

**Barrel:** BECAUSE OF REASONS. TOILET PAPER.

**Roxas:** Explain the reasons. Now.

**Lock:** Just let us go already!

**Shock:** Please?

**Barrel:** We promise we won’t pull any more pranks!

**Roxas:** …Throwing bombs at people’s heads is not a prank. It is attempted murder and some would consider it a terrorist act.

**Lock:** Still fun, though.

**Shock:** It really is.

**Barrel:** It’s true.

**Roxas:** …Kids, stop being crazy psychos. Now’s not a good time for you to be psychos.

**Lock:** Tough. *throws another bomb at Roxas’s face*

**Roxas:** Good thing these only give me cutscene damage, meaning no damage.

**Barrel:** Quick, run while he’s so obviously incapacitated!

**Shock:** He’s really not, but whatever!

**Lock:** *throws another bomb at a nearby wall and they escape through the hole*

**Roxas:** Stop, don’t, come back.

**Jack:** Maybe Zero’s right, maybe it’s not enough to just have more creepy lanterns than there were already…Wait, was that an explosion I just heard?

**Lock, Shock, and Barrel:** *come out of the hole right next to Jack*

**Barrel:** *stops and starts waving his arms around* You didn’t see anything… *follows the other two*

**Jack:** Oh those two and their multiple attempted murder charges that they’ll never be punished for or learn from. How quaint! ALSO THEY’VE GIVEN ME AN IDEA I SHOULD MAKE THE NEW LANTERS ASPLOAD.

**Roxas:** Well that happened over in that other area that I can now get to. *knocks another pumpkin bomb into the wall to make the hole bigger* YAY SHORTCUT. Now where was I? *gives another bone to Zero and continues to do so until the mission gauge is completely filled* Well that took more time than it probably should’ve. Or I’m just worried about Xion, either way. *meets Axel at the clock tower where they eat ice cream in silence and stare into each other’s eyes again*

~I keep waiting for story lines to wrap up quickly, not stretch out for days. Meh.~

_Picking Up the Slack_  
I’ve decided to work harder while Xion is asleep to pick up some of the slack. I should probably be doing that anyway but whatever. Axel said he asked Saïx about her, but no dice. I cannot believe I just wrote that. I’ve been hanging out with Luxord too long, clearly. Axel did say that Xion will kick ten kinds of ass when she wakes up; I hope Saïx-senpai notices her when she does.

I just hope everyone else spontaneously becomes more tolerable, so she doesn’t have to wake up to even more douchebaggery.

( _The Gamble_  
I find myself envying the children, even if they never want to play cards with me. Perhaps some fundamental difference exists between those who become Nobodies as adults and otherwise. A pity Vexen never chose to explore that angle before he dieded.

The longer you have lived, the more you are positioned to lose with such a gamble, assuming you haven’t pulled a Xaldin and gotten rid of everything you ever cared about. But a child can look forward, unafraid even in the face of immeasurable odds. I doubt they even see life as a gamble the way we do.

…What the fuck is this, why am I having a mid-life crisis, Jesus Christ.)

~Day 174: Action, Reaction~

**Luxord:** Another day, another game, eh?

**Demyx:** I have nothing new to say.

**Axel:** Me neither, really.

**Saïx:** New planet time?

**Roxas:** New planet time. *heads to Neverland*

**Never Land Title Card:** Hey wow, it actually looks like you can go on fucking land this time!

**Roxas:** *emerges from the Dark Corridor on land* Why’s that such a big deal HOLY SHIT A PIRATE SHIP I WANNA SAIL ON IT. But first I must fight something called a Wavecrest.*explores every inch of this new area because he doesn’t know why it’s new but boy does it feel new. Except he can’t because people are here*

**Hook:** Smee, do the thing! *is standing over Smee while he shovels and Hook holds a treasure map* It’s apparently here this time, so do the thing faster, why don’t you.

**Smee:** Sure, all other 876,451 places we tried were all busts so this one must be the right place.

**Hook:** That’s the spirit, Smee!

**Roxas:** I wanna be a pirate SO FUCKING BAD. But I don’t think I wanna be a part of this particular crew, though…

**Smee:** Captain, I might have done the thing!

**Hook:** Is there anything besides air in this one this time?

**Smee:** There is not!

**Hook:** Well fuck.

**Smee:** Don’t worry, there are still 4,532,798,145,456,313 maps left to go through!

**Hook:** I seem to be crackling with sexual energy. Probably because of all the greed.

**Smee:** It would be nice if people who own all the things would be less greedy.

**Hook:** No but I want all the things though.

**Smee:** You are getting implausibly evil, sir.

**Heartless:** *appear in droves*

**Hook:** Well this sucks. Wonder why that’s happening. *runs away with Smee*

**Roxas:** …MURDERING TIME, I GUESS. *murders the Heartless and stares at the empty chest that is also crackling with sexual energy* A box surrounded in darkness…A man also surrounded in darkness…Various creatures of darkness…I WONDER WHERE THE HEARTLESS CAME FROM. Also why did someone bury an empty chest that may or may not have had Heartless already inside. *looks toward the Jolly Roger* I WANT A PIRATE SHIP SO FUCKING BAD. But not that one. Maybe if it had a goat or lion motif to it. *heads toward the ship*

**Tinker Bell:** *is hovering over the ship*

**Hook:** Smee, do the thing!

**Smee:** Sure, but where?

**Hook:** … _Check the maps?!_ And then start digging more I guess.

**Tinker Bell:** *flies off again, running into Roxas*

**Roxas:** That is a tiny girl. And that other kid in red met her before, it looks like, judging from the TV static in my mind palace.

**Tinker Bell:** *ponders something for a while, then flies around Roxas several times*

**Roxas:** … *head tilt* Okay…?

**Tinker Bell:** *points at pirate ship*

**Roxas:** Dude, I’m only 174 days old, I’m not entirely sure I ever learned how to swim. *laughs* I mean, it’s not like I could just spontaneously gain the ability to _fly_ there or anything! That would be _laughable!_

**Tinker Bell:** *rolls her eyes and sprinkles him with pixie dust*

**Roxas:** *sneezes* …Why?

**Tinker Bell:** *mimics him jumping off the cliff*

**Roxas:** I am immediately assuming you just gave me the ability to fly with absolutely no evidence to support this theory.

**Sora:** Believe in the me who believes in you.

**Roxas:** GET OUT OF MY BRAIN! *closes his eyes and jumps* …So did _you_ actually cause me to fly? OR DID I HAVE THE ABILITY IN ME ALL ALONG!

**Tinker Bell:** *facepalms and flies off*

**Roxas:** Okay. Now should I go to the ship or should I fuck around with my newfound powers. Hrmm…Wait, why am I even thinking about helping the person who gave me supernatural abilities for absolutely no cost or reason? I’ve got a singular monster to kill, as told to me by people who never treated me with any decency whatsoever! Besides, I’m sure a tiny little thing like her will be _fine._ *kills a bunch of Turquoise Marches and Air Battlers while checking empty treasure chests that have presumably already been opened up by Hook*

**Wavecrest:** *eventually appears*

**Roxas:** Excuse me, sir. Excuse me, I need to fuck you up. *fucks it up* Well that was fun, time to leave. *heads back to the Dark Corridor* …Should I stay? Or should I go? She really seemed like she needed my help…and she _did_ teach me how to fucking fly, which is glorious, even if I’ll never be able to understand why, or why this sensation feels so familiar…Ah, fuck her. *goes to Traverse Town and starts munching on some ice cream*

**Axel:** HAY GURL!

**Roxas:** ‘Sup, nerd.

**Axel:** *sits down next to Roxas*

**Roxas:** DUDE I LEARNED TO FUCKING FLY TODAY.

**Axel:** What, pilot a plane? Or a spaceship? DID YOU LEARN HOW TO TRAIN A DRAGON?!

**Roxas:** Nope, just me floating in the air and moving about at will!

**Axel:** That is also awesome.

**Roxas:** I wanted to tell both you and Xion, but…

**Axel:** And this just got dark.

**Roxas:** So it did. Nom. But it felt really nostalgic, though, and I don’t know why.

**Axel:** You don’t say…

~Did Axel know Sora could fly? I mean he knew Sora could Glide by the end of CoM but what about actually flying?~

_Seashells For Her_  
Xion hasn’t woken up, but I’m pulling double duty to make up for it. In theory, anyway, Saïx isn’t really setting me extra missions beyond the usual bonus shit or anything

Me and Axel talk about the dumbest stuff now. So nothing’s changed on that front, really. Afterwards we head back to the castle, and I leave a seashell by Xion’s pillow. Miraculously, none of them have been crushed yet. Can’t wait for her to wake up and see that I did the same thing as she did! That’s _never_ happened before with us!

Those pictures flashed through my mind palace again in Never Land. And when I flew, it felt like I’d done it before. Had the guy in red flown before, is that it? ‘Cause I didn’t get any TV static images of him actually flying, just talking to that tiny winged person I refused to help because fuck returning favors to people.

( _It’s Just a Fucking Replica, Christ_  
Xion continues to sleep. All analysis on its function suggests no marked change. Apparently we’re making even more clones as of now, but a Replica is a Replica. It’s not like it’s a nonexistent entity like the rest of us that also wasn’t born conventionally and also can’t feel emotions. Where was I going with this. Oh, my latest report to Xemnas on this netted me no clear answers. He simply stood, smiling that jerkass smile of his. At times I find his incomprehensible ramblings about darkness to be nothing more than incomprehensible ramblings.)

~Day 175~

**Roxas:** Why can’t I fly anywhere outside of Neverland, why can I only Glide now. *moves panels around so Glide will fit and heads to Halloween Town with Demyx* C’mon, I think the Dual Blade might be in the courtyard.

**Demyx:** There’s always something in something. That’s probably the dumbest thing I’ve said in a while.

**Roxas:** That’s pretty, pretty dumb.

**Demyx:** What if there’s _nothing_ in something, though? What if!

**Dual Blade:** *is really just a large Zip Slasher with less health, and is therefore easy to defeat*

**Roxas:** *watches shit explode around him with all the Skater Bombs exploding* That’s death.

**Demyx:** That’s death. You can tell because there’s blood.

**Roxas:** There actually isn’t. There are some organs, though.

**Demyx:** We out?

**Roxas:** We out.

~Day 176~

**Roxas:** *heads to Wonderland* Why do I need you to help me collect emblems?

**Luxord:** I’m not entirely sure.

**Various breeds of Heartless:** *pop up so emblem collecting actually counts*

**Roxas:** What’s up, guys. Can you guys all just die?

**Luxord:** I’d really appreciate it if you guys could die.

**Roxas:** Come on. *takes way longer to collect shit floating in the air than should be fair*

**Luxord:** Well. Sure taught them what for.

**Roxas:** I fucking hate these missions.

**Luxord:** At least they’re not sneaky ninja missions. You are the worst sneaky ninja.

**Roxas:** Whatever, fuck you, you stupid…shitface. Yeah, you told…Yeah, what. All right.

**Luxord:** Right.

**Roxas:** Yeah.

**Luxord:** Well said.

**Roxas:** Told _that_ shit.

~So can you tell yet that I listen to a lot of Super Best Friends stuff while leveling up in these games? I’ve been trying to be subtle about it.~


	18. NOW YOU UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Boy, I Barely Write Anything Original, Do I:** Super Best Friends Play, _Whose Line Is It Anyway, Scooby Doo, Undertale, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory,_ Pokémon ‘Bridged, Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Movie, _Labyrinth, Firefly, Monty Python's Holy Grail, Gurren Lagann,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Day 193: Memories/Xion Awakens, the game says one thing and the movie another.~

**Sora:** *stands in place as a single heart bursts out of his chest, floating up and into Kairi’s body*

**Kairi:** *opens her eyes*

**Sora:** *smiles even as he starts to fall backwards, beginning to dissolve into light*

**Donald:** SORA!

**Kairi:** *starts to get up just in time to see Sora fall* Sora! *gets up and runs over faster than Donald, who’s much closer, and goes to catch Sora*

**Sora:** *dissolves entirely into little yellow bolts of light*

**Kairi:** …Does this mean that I’m the main character now?

**Xion:** *opens one eye* Gwah… *sits upright* The fuck just happened?

**Roxas:** I don’t know, but at least you’re awake now!

**Xion:** So I am. Good…morning? I can’t tell, it’s like perpetual night here.

**Roxas:** It is indeed. Man, you waking up like that nearly made me pee my shit.

**Xion:** You should get that looked at. *sees the mass of shells beside her pillow* Did you regift these to me or did you go to the Destiny Islands yourself? *holds one of them up to her ear*

**Shell:** PUT ME DOWN!

**Xion:** Zoinks! *drops it* Christ, how long was I out?!

**Roxas:** Count the damn shells, bitch.

**Xion:** Ah.

**Roxas:** Is this how worried you were when I was in a coma? ‘Cause damn, me and Axel have been goin’ nuts over here.

**Xion:** Well on the one hand now you know what it’s like, but on the other I’m sorry you had to know what it was like. *holds a hand to her chest* So remind me how we can feel worried and/or sorry if we can’t feel emotions?

**Roxas:** Me and Axel have also been wondering about that, and we’re increasingly feeling that that’s a load of dumb bullshit.

**Xion:** …Dude, what time is it, don’t you have missions or something?

**Roxas:** Yeah, but I wanted to check on you first.

**Xion:** Can I join you?

**Roxas:** Don’t you think you should rest?

**Xion:** I’ve been resting for twenty days, moron.

**Roxas:** Oh yeah…But still, muscle atrophy and all that.

**Xion:** You were asleep for longer and you were fine. *gets out of bed and stares at him with big, adorable blue eyes*

**Roxas:** …I never could resist those eyes coming out of that face.

**Xion:** …You just made it sound like my eyeballs were falling out of my head.

**Roxas:** Fuck you, I’m sleepy. *leads her into the main room*

**Xion:** Seeing Saïx makes me immediately regret my decision.

**Roxas:** You mean you don’t feel like that every day of your fucking life?

**Xion:** Ha.

**Saïx:** Huh, so it’s awake. That’s nice.

**Xion:** …wannagowithroxas…

**Saïx:** Sorry?

**Xion:** I would like to go with Roxas.

**Saïx:** Tough shit. You want my opinion, you should go and rest some more, only this time at the bottom of a garba—

**Axel:** XION! *glomps her*

**Xion:** AXEL! *glomps him back*

**Roxas:** ROXAS! *glomps both of them*

**Saïx:** *visibly chokes down the vomit he was about to spew everywhere* Roxas, you’re with Axel today. Xion, fuck off the edge of my dick.

**Xion:** In the general direction that Roxas and Axel are heading toward, gotcha.

**Axel:** Pweeeeease, Saïx? *gives Saïx puppy-dog eyes*

**Saïx:** … *turns aside* I never could resist those eyes coming out of that face.

**Axel:** …You just made it sound like my eyeballs were falling out of my head.

**Saïx:** It’d be a lot easier if I didn’t have to look over at you and tell you you were stupid. *walks off*

**Axel:** Y’all ready for this?

**Roxas and Xion:** SHIT YEAH WE ARE!

**Axel:** Let’s go, huh? Before Saïx changes his mind.

**Xion:** A three-man team? That’s a first.

**Axel:** A first that you asked for, stop complaining.

**Xion:** M’kay.

**Xaldin:** Roxas, combine a Moonstone and a Shield Tech via synthesis and bring the results back here. I need to know what they create, but lack the materials. Inform me when you’re done. Understood?

**Roxas:** I’ve been done for a while, it makes a Perfect Block, why?

**Xaldin:** It seems you’ve succeeded. Ahh, and this…this is the result. Here. For your trouble.

**Roxas:** *Obtained: Range Tech*

**Xaldin:** Get back to your mission. Don’t dawdle, Roxas.

**Roxas:** Okay. *heads to Twilight Town with Xion and Axel*

**Xion:** Soooo…What up?

**Roxas:** Just excited to have the gang back together.

**Axel:** Well don’t get overexcited, we have _two_ boss Heartless to take out today.

**Xion:** Then ain’t it good to have two Keyblade wielders backing you up.

**Axel:** True enough, just don’t overexert yourself.

**Xion:** Okay, _mom!_

**Roxas:** Ha! *leads the way into the next area* …The Heat Saber is directly identical to the Dual Knight from a few missions ago except pallet swapped and with its blades super heated.

**Xion:** Shouldn’t we take out this Barrier Master first?

**Axel:** Good to see at least _one_ of you still has a brain cell left in them.

**Roxas:** Hey! *helps the other two beat the Barrier Master* Aaaand the Heat Saber still has less health than the Zip Slasher.

**Xion:** Starting to think they’re running out of ideas?

**Roxas:** Definitely. *beats the shit out of it*

**Axel:** WHY IS FIRE HURTING ME, I’M A FUCKING FIREBENDER AND I WAS CURED BY THIS SHIT IN CHAIN OF MEMORIES.

**Xion:** Axel, I have a feeling you’re not in Castle Oblivion anymore.

**Axel:** Oh yeah, I’ve _really_ missed this! *helps the other two defeat the Heat Saber*

**Roxas:** Ready to track down the other one?

**Axel:** Sure thing.

**Xion:** I’m down.

**Roxas:** Oooh, a floating badge in the air! *gets to higher ground and Glides to get it*

**Axel and Xion:** HOLY SHIT WE CAN FUCKING FLY NOW APPARENTLY.

**Roxas:** Hey, good for you! You two should come with me to Neverland sometime, though, you’ll be able to actually fly with barely any limits outside of invisible walls, it’s way better than this limited shit. Which is still fun, but it’s like saying spaghetti would be better if there was no lasagna. Guess what. Lasagna exists, _and it’s superior to spaghetti in every way!_

**Xion:** Don’t let Papyrus hear you say that.

**Roxas:** Oh, no, never!

**Axel:** That’s great, I’ll try and get a mission there soon so I can try. Now then, we gonna go up to the station or what?

**Roxas:** Huh? Oh, yeah, sure. *leads the way there*

**Xion:** And now I’m unconscious.

**Roxas:** Why this time?

**Xion:** Because of the bombardment of flashbacks.

**Door to darkness:**  *opens, blasting Kairi straight into Sora, literally*

**Sora:** *smiles even as he starts to fall backwards, beginning to dissolve into light*

**Kairi:** *gets up and runs over faster than Donald, who’s much closer, and goes to catch Sora*

**Sora:** *dissolves entirely into little yellow bolts of light*

**Kairi:** *grabs Sora’s hand* It’s dangerous to go alone. Take this. *hands him the thalassa shell keychain she’d been making at the beginning of the game* It’s my lucky charm that I’ve only had for less than a day before our planet exploded, so be sure to bring it back to me, and be sure to not confuse it for a giant tacky yellow star thing that belongs to someone else! Also why does my voice and inflection sound different.

**Axel:** Well great. *shakes head* Saïx is gonna have a field day with this one.

**Destroyer:** *appears and shoots laser beams at the three of them*

**Axel:** You take care of that, I’ll look after Xion!

**Roxas:** Not a problem, considering it’s just a pallet swap of several previous Heartless once again. It’s total cake…You know what’s delicious?

**Axel:** Cake?

**Roxas:** It’s true. *beats both the Destroyer and the Minute Bombs to death* Xion okay?

**Xion:** Depends, would me saying Sora’s name in my sleep qualify me as okay?

**Axel:** …I’m gonna choose not to mention that and just let you know that she’s unhurt.

**Roxas:** …She’s in a _coma._ Again. Presumably maybe.

**Axel:** I know, come on, let’s get her back to the castle. *picks her up and RTCs*

**Saïx:** Told you it’s fucking busted and never should’ve gone.

**Roxas:** What’s your obsession with refusing to recognize the female gender? Seriously, I want to know if Larxene ever had this problem!

**Saïx:** You guys call her “Dude” and “Man” all the time.

**Axel:** That’s ‘cause those terms are practically gender neutral. At least “Dude” definitely is.

**Saïx:** Bull.

**Axel:** No, roast beef, but I haven’t got it quite right yet. *walks past Saïx* Also, seriously, if you insult _her_ like that again, I’m kicking your fucking ass. *sashays off like a boss*

**Roxas:** *slaps chest with both hands as he passes Saïx* _Bitch._ *follows Axel*

**Saïx:** …Okay, I’m gonna have to replay Chain of Memories or something, what the hell happened to you in that place. I thought what we had was special. *blinks* If I was capable of conveying emotions I would convey emotions. *runs off not-crying*

**Xion:** Stiiiill unconscious. Again.

**Roxas:** You’re really worried about her, aren’t you.

**Axel:** What’s with the tone of surprise?

**Roxas:** I know you, Axel. You’re a pretty simple guy. Me and Xion, well, we tend to complicate things for you. We keep screwing things up and you have to keep covering for us, and we’ve never really had the opportunity to return the favor because you’re great at everything. And our screw-ups have happened more and more as of recently, haven’t they.

**Axel:** Doesn’t matter. Honest. I’d do it all again for you guys and I’ll continue helping now.

**Roxas:** Really?

**Axel:** Of course. Just like I’ll keep meeting you guys for ice cream. Now how does that benefit me in anyway?

**Roxas:** ‘Cause you like the flavor?

**Axel:** Took a bit, but yeah.

**Roxas:** …What do you mean it took a bit?

**Axel:** I mean I hated it at first. Thought it was too salty, not enough sweet. I only kept eating it because you liked it and eventually started to like it just as much as you guys did. Now, tell me the _real_ reason I keep eating ice cream with you guys.

**Roxas:** … ‘Cause it pisses off Saïx?

**Axel:** *laughs* That _is_ an added bonus of being bestest friendly-friends with you two.

**Roxas:** …I might cry.

**Axel:** Oh I have _got_ to get this memorized!

**Roxas:** I’m just crying buckets out of my tear holes.

**Xion:** *giggles* You two are so fucking adorable, you know that?

**Axel:** I AM EMBARRASSED!

**Roxas:** That’s nice. ARE YOU OKAY?

**Xion:** To be honest, walking in one direction for so long had made me pretty dizzy.

**Axel:** Okay, just take it easy the rest of the day, all right?

**Xion:** No ice cream, then?

**Axel:** Sorry but no, you should really rest. *leaves with Roxas*

**Xion:** *falls asleep again the instant they’re gone*

~Meanwhile, thousands of miles away…~

**Naminé:** *is drawing a picture of the three of them in the white room, but suddenly looks up* Why the balls am I adding yellow to the black cloaks. Also why am I now using crayons, what happened to my colored pencils.

_Bestest Friendly-Friends_  
Xion’s finally awake now. The three of us were gonna go get some ice cream after our mission (FIRST THREE-MAN TEAM EVAR FUCK THE HELL YES), but she passed out again, so we had to take her home and unfortunately not kick Saïx in the dick several times as we passed him.

I talked with Axel in her room until she woke up. He finally admitted we’re bestest friendly-friends. Then Xion and I pointed and laughed at him, ‘twas fun times.

( _Dreams or Memories?_  
I finally wake up, just to pass out again? Why? Because I’m a failure? Or was Roxas right about the muscle atrophy? I dreamt the whole time I was out. I think. I can’t remember. It was something nostalgic, but what? Why can’t I remember? It could be a key memory from my human life. All I can remember is the sound of waves, gentle, in the distance. Maybe that’s what kept me asleep, it was kind of soothing and hypnotic like that, it was nice.)

~Day 194: Like It Should Be~

**Roxas:** *immediately changes his panels around to include the new Level Doubler he just got as well as a couple Thundara slots*

**Xion:** Sorry I worried you yesterday.

**Roxas:** It’s cool, as long as you’re okay.

**Xion:** Thanks. Hey. You want this? *gives Roxas Bronze*

**Roxas:** No, but sure.

**Xion:** I’m fine…really.

**Roxas:** I’m sure.

**Xigbar:** Looks like Poppet’s back on her feet. Hey, you using Limit Breaks?

**Roxas:** Occasionally on bosses, I tend to heal too fast and too often to get that far—

**Xigbar:** Go finish off 30 plus enemies with a Limit Break, then drop by. I’ll give you something fun. Think you’re up to it, kiddo? Right now, you’ve only got zero.

**Roxas:** …Thought I had at least like ten or something—

**Xigbar:** I know, I was really only counting from now anyway.

**Roxas:** …You know what? I’m sick of doing this crap. No more side missions. I just wanna get through this first year.

**Xigbar:** What, you don’t want to collect Shining Shards?

**Roxas:** NOPE!

**Luxord:** How will this round play out?

**Axel:** I vote we keep our missions short and sweet.

**Roxas:** If only. *heads to Wonderland with Luxord*

**Luxord:** I wonder if I keep getting sent to this place because of the card motif.

**Roxas:** Nah, that doesn’t make any sense.

**White Rabbit:** How _am_ I always this late and still alive… *runs past them*

**Roxas:** I WANNA FOLLOW HIM.

**Luxord:** Okay, but you do know that curiosity killed the cat, right?

**Roxas:** Didn’t satisfaction bring it back?

**Luxord:** Oh fuck you, you’re probably totally right!

**Roxas:** Also we should hunt Heartless and shit. *enters the Bizarre Room*

**White Rabbit:** How do I always end up behind you two when you keep entering in front of me. *runs through the hole in the wall*

**Roxas and Luxord:** *shrink and follow him, killing Heartless along the way*

**White Rabbit:** *goes through the door that’s straight ahead*

**Roxas:** Oh no, we can only go the one way that the cards won’t let us go through anyway.

**Luxord:** I know, you’d think I’d have control over them, it’s weird.

**White Rabbit:** *screeches to a halt in front of the Queen of Hearts* So apparently we’ve been searching for those three from two games ago this whole time. The only place we haven’t looked yet is the one place they’ve never been, which must mean that’s where they are.

**Queen of Hearts:** Then go get them so they can receive their punishment! And hurry up about it; it’s been HOURS since I last strangled a guy! HOURS!

**Cards:** *march off*

**Luxord:** Huh, wonder what that was about…Eh, probably not important.

**Roxas:** Those three people they’re chasing? You’re probably right.

**Luxord:** At least we know where the specific breed of Heartless we’re chasing will probably be. So…Let’s head there I guess?

**Roxas:** M’kay. *backtracks to the area with four doors and notices that one’s suddenly unguarded* I WONDER IF THAT’S THE WAY WE’RE SUPPOSED TO GO.

**Luxord:** NOW YOU’RE JUST TALKIN’ CRAZY TALK! *leads Roxas in* …It’s a maze.

**Roxas:** Why do I suddenly have David Bowie songs stuck in my head.

**Luxord:** I can't think of a single reason other than I miss him too.

**Roxas:** So those three people the Queen was talking about…Our targets, or other interplanetary travelers that include anthropomorphic animals?

**Luxord:** Iunno, let’s just kill things.

**Roxas:** We can’t. This is also apparently part stealth mission on account of the Card guards. And I am the worst sneaky ninja.

**Luxord:** Oh yeah, this is gonna go great.

**Commander Heartless:** I’M A LARGER, PALLET SWAPPED SOLDIER.

**Roxas:** Why doesn’t that surprise me. *kills it* Apparently we need two more.

**Luxord:** This is beginning to border on tedium. *eventually helps Roxas defeat them all while avoiding Card guards* Okay, let’s bounce.

**Roxas:** …Shouldn’t we tell them that the things they were looking for are dead?

**Queen of Hearts:** I may be a huge murderer, but you people are the real monsters!

**Luxord:** Enh… _Naaaaah._

**Roxas:** OKAY. *RTCs*

~AND NOW FOR AXEL TO DISCOVER THE PLOT OF THE GAME.~

**Axel:** Am I in my own room with a bunch of stolen books or did I sneak into Vexen’s room…“The Truth About Naminé”? Really, Vexen? Make your titles MORE on-the-nose, why don’t you…Oh yeah, I killed him. Whoopsidoodle. AND NOW I KNOW THE TRUTH. HOW ‘BOUT THEM APPLES.

~…Well that was anticlimactic.~

**Xion:** *is sitting alone at the clock tower eating ice cream*

**Roxas:** ‘Sup, nerd.

**Xion:** I got an easy mission today.

**Roxas:** Neat. *sits down next to her* Doing better?

**Xion:** Hopefully.

**Roxas:** Yay. *noms his own ice cream that he pulled out of his ass* Where’s Axel?

**Xion:** Probably figuring out the plot of the game with little to no fanfare.

**Roxas:** Neat.

**Clock tower:** *actually functions like a clock tower and starts ringing*

**Xion:** …Holy shit, when’s the last time that happened.

**Roxas:** I don’t think it ever did.

**Xion:** …I kinda wanna go home.

**Roxas:** Stick it out, it’ll be okay.

**Xion:** Okay…You know how you and Axel are always helping me out?

**Roxas:** Yeah, I know how Axel’s the one who’s always helping us out.

**Xion:** We should do something for him.

**Roxas:** Like buy him ice cream at least, if he ever fucking gets here today.

~But instead it looks like he decided to stay in his and/or Vexen’s room. FOR SOME REASON.~

_Even Far Apart_  
We’ve all started going back to our usual spot after work. Sometimes Axel and Xion are there waiting for me, other times I get there first. It’s almost like our missions take different amounts of time to complete or something ridiculous like that.

Things have gotten busier for us, and also sometimes we discover earth-shattering revelaitons and need to process them, so we can’t all make it every day. But even if they’re not there, at least now it seems like we’re together again. Wonder how long it will last this time.

I forgot to ask Xion about the TV static in my mind palace again…It was the same kid in red. Who is he? What does he have to do with me? Why am I still not realizing that he’s probably my Somebody?

( _The Replica_  
YO I FIGURED OUT THE PLOT. Though frankly I never thought I’d see the word “replica” again, at least not in this context. I mean, I knew that Riku Replica wasn’t the only clone Vexen made (there were like five million ones of just Vexen himself, after all), but I’m the only one in the Organization who know of Riku Replica’s exceptional copying functionality, and that he ultimately formed a sense of self. The fact that I knew all that and still never noticed the truth about Xion speaks to how remarkable a replica she must be.

…I think I still need to process this possibly maybe.)

~Day 195~

**Roxas:** …Okay, I did your stupid fucking sidequest.

**Xigbar:** Nice going, kiddo. Looks like you’re using that Limit Break. I’ll put in a word with Saïx. Get you a new mission. Keep it up!

**Roxas:** Hurg…

**Xigbar:** Good to have Poppet back, eh?

**Roxas:** Yeah. *drags Axel to Neverland*

**Axel:** This the place you learned how to fly?

**Roxas:** Uh-huh. And I don’t know why, but it seems like forever since we last talked.

**Axel:** Yes it has, NOW SHOW ME SOME FUCKING FLIGHT ALREADY.

**Roxas:** YOU GOT IT. *struggles to fly but really only ends up looking constipated*

**Axel:** … *starts a slow clap*

**Roxas:** I can do it, just gimme a second! Or some glitter. Either way.

**Axel:** Must…repress…easy sexuality-questioning joke…

**Hook:** FUCK THESE FUCKING HEARTLESS.

**Roxas and Sora:** WE ARE LOOKING AT SOMETHING.

**Axel:** Who’s this clown?

**Roxas:** No one important.

**Hook:** I want treasure, not Heartless! *starts crackling with sexual energy* I appear to be more angry than usual today. *turns to leave*

**Smee:** Captain, what’re doing?

**Hook:** Gonna get the cannons and blast these Heartless with them.

**Smee:** Actually, that might work. *follows him*

**Axel:** …That happened.

**Roxas:** Yep. They keep going on and on about a shitload of treasure maps they found.

**Axel:** But why would pirates want to dig for buried treasure?

**Roxas:** You make me sad. But wherever they dig, Heartless appear, it’s weird.

**Axel:** Oh great, underground Heartless, just what we needed.

**Roxas:** No, they’re just in the chests. Maybe.

**Axel:** What do you mean by maybe?

**Roxas:** Well, there’s a guy going around crackling with sexual energy that has a distinctly evil feel to it, and whenever he gets particularly hacked off, Heartless appear.

**Axel:** What, you think there’s a connection?

**Roxas:** Probably not.

**Axel:** Well let’s check the boxes at any rate.

**Roxas:** Good plan, it worked last time.

**Tinker Bell:** *is examining one of the opened chests*

**Roxas:** ‘Sup, nerd.

**Tinker Bell:** *gets incredibly frustrated*

**Roxas:** What, just because you freely gave me the power of flight in order to help you, now you’re pissed that I didn’t help you? *scoffs and turns to Axel* Women, amirite?

**Axel:** Tiny women. Who is this girl?

**Tinker Bell:** *hides behind Roxas*

**Roxas:** Cute, isn’t she? We met last time I was here. She wanted me to help her, like, three weeks ago and I didn’t, so she’s probably really mad. Still, she can give people the ability to fly, so there’s that.

**Axel:** I’m sure she can.

**Roxas:** YOU GLIDED AROUND WITH ME ALREADY.

**Axel:** And yet I haven’t seen what you’re describing.

**Roxas:** Well then we’ll show you! *turns to Tinker Bell* Quick, shit glitter on us again!

**Tinker Bell:** *sprinkles more pixie dust on him*

**Roxas:** Kablams! *is now hovering*

**Axel:** WHAT THE SHIT.

**Roxas:** I told you.

**Axel:** I didn’t listen to you!

**Roxas:** But I was right.

**Axel:** Enh. I say a lot of things that’re right and you never tell me that I was right.

**Roxas:** That’s ‘cause I never do them so I never find out if you were right or not.

**Axel:** Ah, ‘s true. I WANNA TRY THIS NOW.

**Roxas:** Just believe. Believe in the me who believes in you.

**Axel:** *tries, but also looks constipated*

**Roxas:** You don’t believe in the me who believes in you, do you.

**Axel:** …Yes I do. *can suddenly also float* SHABAMZO!

**Tinker Bell:** *points impatiently in the direction of the ship*

**Roxas:** All right, already, sheesh!

**Axel:** Wait, aren’t we walking into a disgusting trap or something? Is she leading us right into it?

**Tinker Bell:** *gets mad again*

**Roxas:** No, I think she’s trying to sabotage them.

**Ship:** *shoots a cannon ball in their general direction*

**Roxas:** …So they don’t do shit like that.

**Hook:** I AM THE _GREATEST_ VILLAIN OF ALL TIME!

**Smee:** I’m sure you are, sir.

**Roxas:** WHAT THE SHIT.

**Axel:** We’re wearing black clothes and most beginner Heartless are darkly colored.

**Roxas:** So they’re just racist, great.

**Tinker Bell:** *motions for Roxas to follow her and flies toward the ship*

**Roxas:** Okay.

**Axel:** Don’t even.

**Roxas:** But she just gave me the power of flight _again,_ and to you as well even though she had no reason to do either!

**Axel:** We could be falling into a trap if we follow her! We’re here to kill Artful Flyers and not do anything else.

**Roxas:** Okay, I’ll just ignore her for several more weeks, then.

**Axel:** That’s the spirit! Also try not to get shot.

**Roxas:** Aww! *examines empty chests and kills Heartless that come out of them*

**Axel:** All right, that took less time than I thought it would. Man flying helps.

**Roxas:** It’s almost as if these missions wouldn’t have been able to be completed in the first place if we _didn’t_ learn how to fly.

**Axel:** Now you’re just thinking too hard.

**Cannonballs:** *head in droves towards them but miss hilariously every time*

**Axel:** _Wow_ this guy’s not even remotely threatening.

**Roxas:** I feel like he could be in a different medium, just not a cartoon Disney film.

**Axel:** What, you mean like a play or something?

**Roxas:** Or a kind of live-action sequel of sorts. Which reminds me, I kind of hope that little fairy didn’t get squashed or something. Kinda wish we helped her…

**Axel:** … *indicates barrage of cannonballs that’s still raining down upon them*

**Roxas:** Sh-Shut up! Also this just cements my worry that she’s dead.

**Axel:** Eh, she looked like she could get around pretty quick. And she’s clearly more used to flying than we are.

**Roxas:** I’ll find out next time, I guess. *heads to Twilight Town with Axel*

**Pete:** I think it was Pan’s idea to hide a bunch of treasure chests for no reason in the manga, but my hideous plot is _far_ more evil! Somehow! Either way, Hook’s just gonna keep getting greedier I guess, because apparently I’m trying to make a Heartless out of him myself. Then again, the Organization’s only after those with strong hearts, so…Wait, where’d the Heartless even go? Was it already taken out by the cannonballs over there, since I somehow missed the two not-humans flying around?

**Roxas:** *is eating ice cream with Axel* Seriously, though, why can’t we fly in other worlds and why did I need a refresher when I got to that world this time.

**Axel:** Most planets’ rules are arbitrary and ever-changing, it’s best not to think too much about it.

**Xion:** Wow, you two certainly… _flew_ through your mission! Geddit? Do ya get it?

**Axel:** …

**Roxas:** …

**Xion:** …

**Axel:** …

**Roxas:** I wish I could just beat you over the head with a fucking steel pipe right now.

**Xion:** *sits down next to them* Well that’s not gonna happen today…

**Roxas:** Isn’t it?

**Xion:** *pulls some ice cream out of her ass* Since you don’t have a steel pipe.

**Axel:** Isn’t it?

**Roxas:** But apparently you’re psychic, since me and Axel can actually fly now, depending on how much glitter we inhale on a particular planet.

**Xion:** Bull.

**Roxas:** No, roast beef, but I haven’t got it quite right yet. Um…You okay?

**Xion:** Fine.

**Roxas:** And that’s code for you’re not, but I won’t press it…Axel, why are you suddenly silent?

**Axel:** I uncovered the plot yesterday.

**Roxas:** Huh. How did that go?

**Axel:** It didn’t go great.

**Roxas:** Cool. I don’t really feel like writing in my journal today.

**Axel, Xion, Xemnas, Xigbar, Luxord, Xaldin, Demyx, and Saïx:** Us either. Apparently.

~Day 196~

**Roxas:** *heads to Twilight Town to collect Shining Shards* Straight-up gifting me synthesis material, huh? That’s strangely nice of Saïx. *has to fight a Tail Bunker and a Guardian in the main plaza area thing* Looks like the Guardians are dropping them. Why I didn’t just get a mission to eliminate a shitton of Guardians is beyond me, considering I love it when I can _possibly save fucking lives by harvesting organs,_ it’s my favorite fucking type of mission and doesn’t make me feel like a complete evil monster. *RTCs directly again*

~Day 197~

**Roxas:** *heads directly to Neverland to kill an Avalanche, and immediately starts to fly* …So do I only need glitter power when the plot demands it and can just do whatever I want the rest of the time? Because that’s kind of bullshit. *kills the Avalanche* _Damn_ but flying enemies are easier to kill when I am also flying. *actually goes back to Twilight Town this time* No one’s coming today, huh? That is saddening. Nom.

~I really do wish we got at least an actual reaction shot of Axel finding out the truth.~


	19. I Dreamed A Dream In Time Gone ByyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Stealing Shit Again, A Lot From That Third Thing:** _Les Miserables, Twelve Chairs,_ Super Best Friends Play, Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series/Movie, Dragonball Z Abridged, and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Day 224: Anomaly~

 **Naminé:** I AM STARING AT SORA’S EGG THING.

 **DiZ:** That’s nice. You seem to be struggling.

 **Naminé:** Well obviously, I’m just so used to you being Christopher Lee, what happened with that?

 **DiZ:** Dude, he had, like, _way_ more important shit to do than this.

 **Naminé:** I know, I just miss him and want him to be in even more things I can reminisce about, you know?

 **DiZ:** I do indeed. So what’s the holdup here?

 **Naminé:** Nobodies.

 **DiZ:** Oh good.

 **Naminé:** We’re still missing some pieces of Sora’s puzzle here. I know I said last game that all memories remain in the heart and it’s just a matter of finding the right trigger to recall them, but in this case Sora’s heart might well have actually been separated and is hogging the memories. Which makes my job all the more difficult.

 **DiZ:** So just do it without those particular memories. Surely they can’t all be nece—

 **Naminé:** Don’t tell me what’s nessa, I’ll tell you what’s nessa! I have no idea which ones are the ones he needs in order to get out of this coma. And stop calling me Shirley!

 **DiZ:** Look, you little witch, I can’t believe that you’re making me exposit your own powers to you. Just tell me what’s going on.

 **Naminé:** If Sora’s memories become _her_ memories, she’ll probably explode.

 **DiZ:** Bitch you know I hate the pronoun game!

~And then we immediately segue to Xion. I CAN’T IMAGINE WHY.~

 **Xion:** *is huddled up on her bed* All this human tragedy makes me sleepy.

 **Roxas:** *walks into the main room* ‘SUP, BITCHES.

 **Axel:** Hey, Roxas. I hear it’s you and Demyx today. Goooooooood luck with that.

 **Demyx:** Hey, Roxas! Pop quiz, hotshot — let’s see how you are at recon. Uncover all the Heartless in Mission 52. They’re hidden well! Just make sure to examine any spot that looks suspicious. Let me know when you’re done so I can get Saïx off my case alr—er, so I can reward you!

 **Roxas:** Damn it, I never keep track of which mission is which—

 **Demyx:** Wow, nice going! You found ‘em all! Here, take this, man. (Gotta earn back some karma after pushing my work on you.) *gives Roxas Dark Ingot* Hey, even us Nobodies need our rest, tight? Exhaustion kills!

 **Roxas:** …Do we all have the exact same missions, or…?

 **Demyx:** Certainly seems like that sometimes.

 **Roxas:** Neat. Now let’s go to Olympus again.

 **Demyx:** I don’t wanna.

 **Roxas:** Me neither, frankly, but Saïx’ll murder us if we don’t.

 **Demyx:** Fine, fine… *follows Roxas to Olympus* Fuck, I hate fighting, man!

 **Roxas:** Well, we got a boss Heartless today, so I don’t know what to tell you.

 **Demyx:** Damn it!

 **Roxas:** So what’s your problem, anyway? Why do you hate fighting so much?

 **Demyx:** I don’t want to do it because…it just makes you feel all super uncomfortable and not in your comfort zone, at all.

 **Roxas:** But that’s…Your comfort zone?

 **Demyx:** …Because, like—

 **Roxas:** Your comfort zone.

 **Demyx:** I’m just not comfortable fighting a boss Heartless of all things, you know?

 **Roxas:** Do you need your blankie to fight this monster?

 **Demyx:** I might _need_ the blankie—

 **Roxas:** Just help me take out these dudes.

 **Demyx:** Fine. *helps Roxas take out these dudes* And now to guard the exit so whatever you’re fighting doesn’t escape!

 **Roxas:** That actually makes some amount of sense. *goes inside the vestibule*

 **Phil:** Okay, ready for the tournament that’s conveniently starting on the same day you decide to show up?

 **Roxas:** …O-Okay?

 **Phil:** Sweet, just let me know when you’re ready!

 **Roxas:** *grabs chests and floating badges and things* Okay, done.

 **Phil:** Huh, wonder why those things keep popping up all over and repeatedly…Eh, I’m sure it’s nothing. Anyway, I got two words of advice for ya, kid: Murder everything to death. *walks away*

 **Roxas:** I would’ve corrected him if I didn’t have a static-filled not-memory of talking to a giant anthropomorphic duck that wasn’t wearing pants.

 **Demyx:** Have you done your piece, crazy man?

 **Roxas:** Sorry, man, gotta enter a tournament to get access to the boss Heartless.

 **Demyx:** Uh-huh, have fun with that.

 **Roxas:** I might, you don’t know. *defeats a bunch of Shadows and Soldiers in the first round* And now to do Squall’s victory pose from FFVIII. How do I know this? I have no idea. *fights Hover Ghosts with barrels* HOW CAN I KILL YOU IF YOU KEEP MOVING. *kills all the Heartless in the third round with exploding barrels* I am still doing Squall’s victory pose…while watching Sora do Cloud’s victory pose. Weird. *kills Yellow Operas and a Tailbunker* Why am I convinced that that flying type should’ve been called a Wyvern, I don’t care if it was colored differently, it was a fucking Wyvern.

 **Phil:** Okay, one more match and you’re done!

 **Roxas:** …Well this was short.

 **Phil:** The guy you have to fight…Well let’s just say you’ll have some fun, yeah?

 **Roxas:** And now I’m nervous.

 **Phil:** Hey, I’m betting on you, kid!

 **Roxas:** So you’re ordering me to win?

 **Phil:** …No? It means that I believe in the me who believes in you, and you gotta believe in the you who believes in yourself.

 **Roxas:** Uh…huh… *walks into the ring*

 **Xigbar:** Hey there, kiddo!

 **Roxas:** WHAT THE SHIT, XIGBAR!

 **Xigbar:** I like seeing you suffer so I wanted to see you hit barrels at things. Instead I see you murdering shit and harvesting organs, which is almost as good.

 **Roxas:** …So’re we gonna fight, or…?

 **Xigbar:** Naturally! *summons weapons*

 **Roxas:** …Oh good. *bashes Xigbar while occasionally getting shot in the face* Hey. We should probably calm down. So that you don’t shoot me in my fucking face.

 **Xigbar:** Why not, it’s fun.

 **Guard Armor:** *appears*

 **Roxas:** *having a flashback of it appearing in front of Sora in Twilight Town* Huh. Was hoping for something a little more original.

 **Xigbar:** Well at least this wasn’t a _complete_ waste of time.

 **Roxas:** Hey!

 **Phil:** ONLY HERCULES CAN FIGHT SOMETHING THAT STRONG! *runs off to get him*

 **Xigbar:** Well, have fun!

 **Roxas:** …Fine. See you, shitlord. You big shitbag. You huge bag of shit. I’m saying that you’re poop. *beats up Guard Armor while having flashbacks of Sora going through the same motions when _he_ fought the Guard Armor, but without Donald and Goofy in the shot* There, I did the thing.

 **Xigbar:** Conglaturations, kiddo! I didn’t think you had it in you. What with you being an incompetent sack of shit.

 **Roxas:** Hey, how ‘bout you fuck off the edge of my dick.

 **Xigbar:** I’M COMPLIMENTING YOU! GAIN SELF-ESTEEM! *summons a Dark Corridor* Laters! *leaves*

 **Demyx:** Well that sure was a thing. Can’t say it wasn’t a thing.

 **Roxas:** Good to know that no one wants to help me ever.

 **Demyx:** YAY! I WAS TOTALLY INEFFECTUAL!

 **Roxas:** Did you know about Xigbar?

 **Demyx:** Nope! I think he was just dicking around, really. He’s a weird guy.

 **Roxas:** Yeah maybe he shouldn’t’ve shot me in the face. Maybe there were options other than shooting me in the face that were available to him.

 **Demyx:** Eh, walk it off. Anyway, the mission’s over, let’s bounce. *summons a Dark Corridor and goes into it, Roxas following*

 **Phil:** C’mon, Herc, you gotta go faster if you don’t wanna make me look like a complete idiot when it’s revealed that there’s actually no…Heartless…in…sight…

 **Hercules:** And yet here we are.

 **Phil:** And apparently Roxas and that other guy Disapparated as well.

 **Hercules:** Roxas is the Ventus lookalike, right? Man I wish you’d stop pretending he was the guy I recommended to you.

 **Phil:** But I thought—

 **Hercules:** Nope. He’s still got some distance to travel, actually.

 **Phil:** …Huh, it’s almost as if I never listen and just assume I’m right about everything.

 **Hercules:** It’s almost as if.

 **Xion:** *is nomming ice cream* Nom.

 **Roxas:** Yay, you’re here today!

 **Xion:** Uh-huh. *watches Roxas pull ice cream out of his ass as he sits down* So how’d your mission go?

 **Roxas:** Xigbar shot me in the fucking face.

 **Axel:** HA. Oh, hey, Xion, this is a surprise.

 **Xion:** …Why is it a surprise?

 **Axel:** Because it’s actually been a while since all three of us were here and Roxas was only ever not here, like, once. *pulls a popsicle out of his own ass and sits down next to Roxas*

 **Xion:** …Axel, can I ask you about Castle Oblivion?

 **Axel:** It’s really fucked up, you guys.

 **Xion:** Well can you elaborate?

 **Axel:** Fine, it’s one of the Organization’s research facilities.

 **Roxas:** For research, huh?

 **Axel:** …Actually no, the Organization _Research_ facilities are really just there to manufacture small gloves for wombats and hammerhead sharks.

 **Xion:** *giggles*

 **Roxas:** Don’t be a dick, Axel.

 **Axel:** Don’t be a dumbass, Roxas.

 **Roxas:** *sticks his tongue out at him while Xion giggles some more* But it seems like everyone gets sent there all the time. And by everyone I mean all of the Organization members who are dead, you, and that’s it.

 **Xion:** Bypassing the fact that I don’t think Saïx has ever sent Xaldin, Xigbar, Luxord, or Demyx there, has never gone himself, and I don’t know what Xemnas is ever up to, me and Roxas are never sent there ourselves.

 **Axel:** …There aren’t any Heartless there so you’re not needed. Is what I should’ve told you.

 **Xion:** Well you didn’t so I’m just gonna leave now. OW MY SKULL. *starts to fall off the building*

 **Roxas:** FUCK NO FALL DAMAGE, I’M STILL GONNA SAVE YOUR ASS. *pulls her up* You’re still sick, aren’t you.

 **Xion:** Hey, random headaches can randomly happen to the healthiest of people, it’s random. I think I just looked at the sun for too long.

 **Axel:** All these revelaitons are fucking with my brain. I think we all need to unwind. OH! BEACH PARTY! Next day off, let’s go!

 **Xion:** …Dude, are _you_ okay?

 **Axel:** Well you keep bringing shells back from there and stuff, and I wanna see what all the fuss is about!

 **Roxas:** And you want us all to go?

 **Axel:** Why the hell not?

 **Xion:** …I don’t know if I wanna.

 **Roxas:** Oh come on, you’re always going there!

 **Axel:** If you’re that bored of it already, you can at least be entertained by us fucking around in the water and shit!

 **Xion:** That…Okay, that sounds like a riot, let’s do it.

~How come no one on the Destiny Islands never actually sees Xion whenever she turns up there?~

 _What’s Gotten Into Her?_  
I think something’s wrong with Xion. Is she not feeling well again, or did she just never recover?

Axel said we should all go to the beach next time we get a vacation. I think he senses something is wrong, too. That’s why he suggested the beach — to make her feel better. Also maybe he actually wants to go, I know I’m actually getting kind of excited.

( _Xion_  
Even if Xion is a replica — a puppet — she’s still Xion. Nothing’s changed except that I know. I understand that in my head, but how do I interact with her now? Riku Replica was just a tool, which actually kind of feels dickish for me to say the more I really think about it, but I can’t just use Xion. No, I was wrong to have just used Riku Replica in the first place. How is a man-made puppet any less worthy than a Nobody that was never meant to exist at all? Seriously, there is absolutely no difference, fuck Saïx.

They’re both ambiguous. Tenuous at best. And she’s my bestest friendly-friend. Even if neither of us should exist, that doesn’t invalidate the bonds we form. Next break we get, I told her we’d all go to the beach. I _really_ hope we get the chance. Our little summer vacation. I know if we can get together and laugh about stupid stuff, for the day instead of just for an hour or so and in a new location for once I guess, this nagging doubt will go away.)

~Day 225: Quietude~

 **Roxas:** Cannot believe that’s a real word…

 **Demyx:** Hey, did you happen to get all the treasure in Mission 51?

 **Roxas:** I don’t fucking know—

 **Demyx:** If you haven’t already…would you mind? Please?

 **Roxas:** Hang on, let me just check—

 **Demyx:** Whoa! You got all the treasure chests! Thanks, man! I hate to push my luck, but, uh…Saïx gave me a special mission. Think you could handle that, too? I’m sure he’d be happier to have you take it, too. Just ask him!

 **Roxas:** …Cannot believe you sometimes, dude.

 **Demyx:** Who’s ready for a vacation? I’m ready for a vacation.

 **Roxas:** Actually, you’re kind of right, I wouldn’t mind some beach time. Isn’t that right, Xion?

 **Xion:** ELLIPSIS.

 **Roxas:** Oh not this shit again.

 **Axel:** You ever do Challenges, Roxas?

 **Roxas:** A couple of times, but all the ones that are “Finish in record time” makes me want to terminate myself, so for the most part I don’t bother.

 **Axel:** They’re good training.

 **Roxas:** So is replaying missions normally.

 **Axel:** Try out the Mission 58 Challenge for starters. Come holler once you’ve got at least one Challenge Sigil in it.

 **Roxas:** *grumbles but does it*

 **Axel:** Hey, nice going! You cleared that Challenge. With those skills, you could probably handle a new mission from Saïx. I’ll put in a good word for ya.

 **Roxas:** …Thanks ever so much, you dick.

 **Axel:** Saïx only gives days off when he’s in a good mood. Which is never.

 **Saïx:** I heard that, Lea.

 **Axel:** Shut it, Isa.

 **Saïx:** Also you can upgrade Limit Breaks now.

 **Roxas:** Neat. *switches his panels around for a bit and heads to Halloween Town* Sure hope I don’t get any bombs in my face today—FUCKING SHIT, LOCK.

 **Lock:** HA HA!

 **Shock:** Now let’s immediately run away. Being a coward always wins.

 **Barrel:** Yep. Everyone loves cowards. They’re hot.

 **Lock:** Just don’t let him know about the secret hiding spot! *runs after the other two*

 **Roxas:** And now to look for their secret hiding spot! *heads to the courtyard*

 **Dr. Finkelstein:** Got that shit you wanted, Jack.

 **Jack:** Awesome. Blue pumpkins are _so_ much more horrifying!

 **Dr. Finkelstein:** Indeed, a non-aggressive color is sure to terrify thousands.

 **Jack:** Oh what do _you_ know.

 **Dr. Finkelstein:** By the way, you seen those shit kids? They’re probably planning something nefarious.

 **Jack:** That’s nice for them, I’m sure it’ll result in the deaths of millions.

 **Dr. Finkelstein:** We can’t bother to put Sally in this game, so I’ll just say she saw them doing something and got worried. Probably just making stuff up again for attention. Women, amirite?

 **Jack:** …Your treatment of her keeps getting more and more concerning.

 **Roxas:** AND NOW THEY’RE GONE! And the new pumpkins freeze things on impact. That’s cool I guess. *takes the shortcut to the Moonlight Hill and lights all the lanterns that are suddenly there*

 **Door:** *opens*

 **Roxas:** *goes through and examines a balloon*

 **Carrier Ghost:** *appears*

 **Roxas:** *kills it* Well that was more straightforward than I expected. And I guess I’ll check up on the shit kids some other time. *heads back to the Dark Corridor*

 **Tentaclaw:** *erupts from the ground and tries to attack Roxas*

 **Roxas:** …Crap baskets. *kills it* Better notify Saïx of this thing. Damn it, and I thought we could go _without_ creepy tentacle monsters in this game… *heads to Twilight Town*

 **Xion:** Did our missions finish at the same time?

 **Roxas:** Must have. *starts eating ice cream*

 **Xion:** *doesn’t even bother to sit down*

 **Roxas:** …You feeling all right?

 **Xion:** I am not. I’m gonna go lie down.

 **Roxas:** Okay, feel better.

 **Xion:** I’ll try. *leaves*

 **Axel:** *arrives soon after* What’d I miss?

 **Roxas:** Xion not feeling so well and leaving.

 **Axel:** Ah. *sits down and starts munching his own ice cream*

 **Roxas:** She seem like she’s been acting weird to you? This another female thing?

 **Axel:** Boy I wish, that’d be so much simpler…

 **Roxas:** I really wanna go to the beach with you two now.

 **Axel:** Tell me about it.

~Meanwhile, thousands of miles away…~

 **Xion:** I wonder what room this is in. The manga implies that it’s Saïx’s, but who knows. *taps keys impatiently* THIS IS HOW YOU SEARCH FOR STUFF ON A COMPUTER. ONLY TYPE RANDOM KEYS, THERE IS NEVER ANY MOUSE WORK INVOLVED EVER. *shakes head in frustration* Christ, Marvel touch-hologram-whatevers make more sense than this shit—AHA! *pulls up a presumably redacted file on Castle Oblivion*

~Well this can only end well.~

 _Something Must Be Wrong_  
Okay, now I’m really worried about Xion. I told Axel, but for once he didn’t have any ideas besides the beach trip that may or may not ever happen.

He knows something is wrong. I bet he’s just telling me that to put my mind at ease. Ain’t working, though. Not that I told him that, for his own piece of mind.

( _Secrets About Me_  
My body feels heavy, and my head aches. I’m to busy dreaming to get any rest from sleep. I know I need to dream but come the fuck on already. Axel knows something. He’s hiding some secret. It must be in Castle Oblivion. That’s where I was born. I know this because I hacked into the Organization’s computer, which I’m not writing about for some reason but I know that I was born there because of the file I found. And for some reason I didn’t find out I was a replica by looking at it I don’t think. Weird. Should’ve looked at some actual books, I guess…But Google is so much easier and quicker to check, though.)

~Day 226~

 **Roxas:** This is the day of no new dialogue options, right?

 **Xion:** You think I _would_ have some new stuff to say, but nah.

 **Axel:** Likewise, really.

 **Demyx:** Wait, what’s going on?

Axel and **Xion:** Nothing, don’t worry about it.

 **Demyx:** OKAY!

 **Roxas:** *shakes head and goes to Wonderland to get rid of Shadowglobs* Well at least this one’ll go by pretty quickly. Oh, and I get to work with Xion! YO XION, LET’S GO!

 **Xion:** Good, I could use an easy mission to take my mind off things. Like X-face being a complete and utter pile of subhuman garbage.

 **Roxas:** Oh man, we’re horrible, this is t—I feel bad now.

 **Xion:** *indignantly* Well he’s a terrible man!

 **Roxas:** I will gladly make fun of him for being a sociopathic, dirtbag, misogynistic piece of crap, but! Like, making fun of his horrible cut face…

 **Xion:** *giggles*Hey, man…

 **Roxas:** That crosses the line!

 **Xion:** *follows Roxas into the Bizarre Room* So how does this planet work, anyway?

 **Roxas:** Uh, we drink that mysterious substance that we don’t know what it is, and we become tiny.

 **Xion:** …OKAY, LET’S DO THIS. *chugs drink and shrinks*

 **Roxas:** And suddenly there are more Shadowglobs everywhere. *helps Xion destroy them all*

 **Xion:** Okay, that took, like, no time whatsoever.

 **Roxas:** RIGHT? It’s just a pity that we can’t meet up for ice cream after one of these missions, or at least don’t appear to.

 **Xion:** I kind of have a feeling that I wouldn’t have shown up anyway.

 **Roxas:** I’m sorry.

 **Xion:** Trust me, Roxas, it isn’t your fault.

~Day 227~

 **Roxas:** HI GUYS!

 **Axel and Xion:** Hi.

 **Roxas:** BYE XION!

 **Axel and Xion:** Bye.

 **Roxas:** …Axel, you’re coming with me.

 **Axel:** OH RIGHT! BYE XION!

 **Xion:** Bye.

 **Axel:** *heads to Neverland with Roxas* So what’re we doing?

 **Roxas:** Trying to catch that guy, but it’s super fast.

 **Axel:** *stares at Emerald Serenade that’s just floating around* So what, we memorize its pattern and wait for the opportunity to strike?

 **Roxas:** Or we just keep setting it on fire.

 **Axel:** That also works. Damn, kid, you’re getting good at this!

 **Roxas:** Oh you.

~A lot of these missions are just starting to blend together…~


	20. And I'm Missing Yoooooouuuuu...I'm Just Missing Yoooooouuuu...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **...I don't even know what to say anymore. All I can do is distract you for ten minutes.**
> 
> **Here's what I stole from this time:** A Very Potter Musical, _The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, Order of the Phoenix_ Rifftrax, Super Best Friends Play, A Very Potter Sequel, _Legend of Korra,_ Naruto: The Abrigded Comedy Fandub Spoof Series Show, Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, Dragonball Z Abridged, _Harry Potter,_ Suburban Knights, _Lord of the Rings, Howl’s Moving Castle, Slenderman,_ Nullmetal Alchemist

~Day 255: The Longest Day, changed from Why The Sun Sets Red for some reason~

**Saïx:** *in the Round Room with Xemnas and Xigbar* So I sent Axel to do the thing so we can move forward with the plot.

**Xemnas:** Yeah that’s great, have you found Naminé yet?

**Saïx:** Nope.

**Xigbar:** HA HA!

**Saïx:** You know where she is, don’t you.

**Xigbar:** Maaaaaayyyyybeeeee…

**Saïx:** …I don’t like you.

**Xemnas:** Ladies, ladies, you’re both hideous. Saïx, keep talking.

**Saïx:** Someone logged into the main computer without authorization.

**Xigbar:** Didn’t that have, like, a webcam in the manga? Can’t you just look at video footage?

**Saïx:** Not in this version, I can’t.

**Xigbar:** Well we all know it was Poppet anyway. She’s complicating things.

**Saïx:** I’M NOT JEALOUS OF IT AND ROXAS BEING FRIENDS WITH AXEL!

**Xigbar:** …We never said you were.

**Saïx:** Sh-Shut up!

**Xemnas:** No one cares, we’re still doing what we’re doing. Axel, Roxas, and Xion are at the mercy of the people who created this franchise.

**Saïx:** But I wanna get rid of Xion _now!_

**Xemnas:** No. We still need her for reasons. Destiny is destiny, after all. Let’s just watch the rest of the movie/play the rest of the game and see how things go from there, shall we?

~M’kay.~

**Xion:** *opens the door to Castle Oblivion and walks in* …It’s nice, this place…Aside from the massive stabbing pain in my brain, which is less nice… *has a flashback to herself still wearing a hood and following Saïx out of the castle*

**Flashback Saïx:** Never come here again, under any circumstances, got it?

**Xion:** Man, fuck that guy. *collapses to the floor*

**Axel:** ARE YOU OKAY?

**Xion:** …Why’re you here?

**Axel:** Got assigned here again, as usual. There aren’t any Heartless here, though, so there’s absolutely no reason for you to—

**Xion:** I know that I was born here, Axel.

**Axel:** …Sure, but don’t you have a mission today?

**Xion:** So?

**Axel:** If you wander off the beaten path, there _will_ be negative consequences.

**Xion:** Is that a threat?

**Axel:** It’s me trying to look out for you, dumbfuck! They won’t even bother turning you into a Dusk!

**Xion:** *gets up* Because I suck at everything, right?

**Axel:** More to make an example to those of us who are still left. *stops her from going further into the castle* Please, just go back to the World That Never Was, okay?

**Xion:** But I keep getting memories from back when I was human! I think…I think I used to be biologically male!

**Axel:** …Do you want me to address you by using male pronouns from now on?

**Xion:** No! I just…I keep having these dreams, and you’re in them!

**Axel:** Look, we all know you have a yaoi fetish. You constantly ship me and Roxas and also have expressed interest in joining in. I don’t think these are memories, I think you’re just having wet dreams where you fantasize about being a dude in an all-male threesome with me and Roxas!

**Xion:** Roxas isn’t in any of these dreams, though! And why do I dream about _fighting_ you, and having to soft reset so I can get all the fire cards out of my deck so I can defeat you, right here in this very castle?

**Axel:** Obvious subconscious memories of being born in this place.

**Xion:** And the card system?

**Axel:** Hanging out with Luxord for too long.

**Xion:** I BARELY HAVE ANY MISSIONS WITH LUXORD.

**Axel:** And yet there’s still an effect, which could also possibly have resulted from you going to Wonderland with Roxas that one time a few weeks ago. *puts his hands on her shoulders* Look, this place is dangerous. There’s a reason I was presumed dead. Neither of us should be hurting Roxas like this, but I’m here because it’s part of my job for today. I have no choice. What’s your excuse?

**Xion:** Teenage angst of not knowing who I am!

**Axel:** Hoo boy.

**Xion:** *rips out of his grasp and runs toward the door to the first floor*

**Axel:** Wait. Stop, don’t.

**Xion:** *opens the door*

**Axel:** Well I tried.

~I hate that trope of someone yanking out of someone else’s grasp and the second person just gives up on catching the first person.~

**Roxas:** *yawns widely* Time to do meaningless bullshit again. Just you today, Luxord?

**Luxord:** It’s game time. We can leave as soon as you’re ready.

**Roxas:** WHY CAN’T I GLIDE IN THE CASTLE THAT NEVER WAS.

**Luxord:** No idea, just talk to Saïx so we can move on already.

**Roxas:** Fine.

**Saïx:** DID YOU KNOW YOU WERE TEAMED UP WITH LUXORD TODAY?!

**Roxas:** I DID NOT! *predictably goes to Wonderland with Luxord*

**Luxord:** I too am sick of coming here.

**Roxas:** Let’s just get through it so we can leave.

**Luxord:** Don’t tempt fate, dude. Now let’s go do the thing.

**Roxas:** M’kay. *drinks Shrinking Solution as usual and runs around killing Heartless before going to see the queen in her courtroom again* JESUS CHRIST THAT STATIC WAS HORRIBLE THIS TIME.

**Queen of Hearts:** But you know what? That woman was not expecting me to throw that ax in her face.

**White Rabbit:** Granted.

**Roxas:** Okay, that woman still terrifies me.

**Cheshire Cat:** You’re just saying that because of all the horrible murder. *appears* Also the thing you’re looking for is probably in the maze again, only in a different area of it. Also also I don’t think they’re looking for what you’re looking for. Unless they are, Iunno.

**Roxas:** So there’s another room with another maze?

**Cheshire Cat:** Yes. That is exactly what I just finished describing to you. MAZE SOUNDS LIKE AMAZING. GEDDIT? DO YA _GEDDIT?!_ Dissaparate!

**Roxas and Luxord:** Ah, magic!

**Roxas:** …I don’t like that guy.

**Cheshire Cat:** Fine, then I _won’t_ tell you to hit four switches so that boss Heartless will turn up!

**Luxord:** …Oh no, whatever shall we do. Roxas, do the thing!

**Roxas:** M’kay. *goes into the only room not guarded by a card* Yep, this looks new. And like a sneaky ninja mission. Fuck.

**Luxord:** YO FITTY, HIT DAT SWITCH!

**Roxas:** What, this button that we somehow know activates a light back in the Bizarre Room despite no way of knowing that?

**Luxord:** Exactly. Now do the next three.

**Roxas:** Why can’t we just jump over the maze?

**Luxord:** BECAUSE OF REASONS! TOILET PAPER!

**Roxas:** Fuck. *goes around getting two more*

**Ace of Hearts:** FUCK. You know what now the time is! TIME TO HAUL THE FUCK ASS! *bunch of cards run by him* Don’t you guys know how many kids the queen’s chucked over busses?!

**Different card:** Not enough.

**Ace of Hearts:** Clearly not enough! *leaves with the others*

**Roxas:** …Did the area just clear itself of enemies?

**Luxord:** Seems that way.

**Roxas:** WELL THAT’S FUCKING LUCKY.

**Luxord:** Seems that way.

**Roxas:** Right then! *glides around looking for the last switch* I know I should kill all these fuckers we keep running into, but I don’t wanna. *finds the last switch* Kablouses. It’s the new exploding blouse. FUCKING TV STATIC.

**Cheshire Cat:** Oh my, that _does_ seem annoying. Also conglaturations on doing the exact same thing a different guy did like a year and a half ago except in a different location in a way that makes less sense. *starts laughing maniacally* And you thought that if we added different areas that would mean the thing we were doing would also be different!

**Roxas:** You make no sense.

**Cheshire Cat:** Yes, that is rather the point.

**Roxas:** Whatever, we’re just gonna go to the Bizarre Room to fight the boss.

**Cheshire Cat:** You should go the Bizarre Room to fight the boss.

**Roxas:** I hate you. With all of my hate. *leads the way back to the Bizarre Room* I don’t remember that lamp being there. Unless it totally was and I just wasn’t paying attention.

**Luxord:** Iunno, but look at the shadow from the table.

**Novashadow:** *is just a large Neoshadow with sick red veins on its head and limbs*

**Roxas and Luxord:** Hooray. What an original new design.

**Roxas:** Wait, this is a pureblood, why am I here.

**Luxord:** Iunno.

**Roxas:** *fights it, wanting to get his health low enough so he can finish it off with a Limit Break when it pops out of the ground again*

**Luxord:** *heals him before he can*

**Roxas:** Damn it, Luxord, stop healing me!

**Luxord:** There’s no downside to healing yourself!

**Roxas:** Sometimes there is.

**Luxord:** No!

**Roxas:** Why do we even keep you around.

**Luxord:** Because of my boyish good looks and dashing charm.

**Roxas:** I don’t think so.

**Luxord:** *helps Roxas kill the thing* Now I believe you had an opening cutscene to go through with Axel?

**Roxas:** Indeed I did!

**Luxord:** But first we have to kill these Heartless before the game will even let us examine that Swelling Solution.

**Roxas:** Crap baskets. *kills them all, drinks the Swelling Solution, and goes to leave the planet* Smell ya later! *heads to Twilight Town and sits on the clock tower by himself, staring at the sunset* Beginning of the game tiem. Which means it’s time to repeat all the jokes we made at the beginning. YAY REPEATING THINGS.

**Axel:** YO, HD MOVIE VERSION, BABY!

**Roxas:** Not really, we’re still incorporating the game and the manga, or what we can from the manga since it’s never gonna come over State-side probably—HOLY FUCK WHAT’S WITH YOUR FACE I THOUGHT THIS WAS HD.

**Axel:** *sits down next to him* You’re one to talk. And now I’m pretty again.

**Roxas:** …You ever think that us sitting up here is actually kind of dangerous?

**Axel:** _Naaaaaah._ Mainly because there’s no fall damage.

**Roxas:** Oh yeah, I keep forgetting.

**Axel:** Here, have some ice cream offscreen.

**Roxas:** Thanks. Dude I’m two-hundred and fifty-five days old.

**Axel:** I’m done with mine already. And why’re we celebrating your very merry unbirthday?

**Roxas:** We’re not, I just thought I’d randomly state it on today of all days for some reason.

**Axel:** You’re a weird guy, having the number memorized like that.

**Roxas:** You’re the one who keeps telling me to memorize things! And since I have no other memories other than the Organization, it’s something I actually can remember. Hey, remember that one time I was basically a zombie?

**Axel:** *puts his hand on his shoulder* Yeah, I had to help you sit in chairs, it was so embarrassing. And nothing has changed. *slaps him on the back*

**Roxas:** *swipes at him* I’m not a zombie!

**Axel:** *laughs* You totally are!

**Roxas:** I am not! That’s a typo!

**Axel:** In your f—What?! Typo from _what?!_ Crombie? Jombie? Zimbie?

**Roxas:** All right, let’s—

**Axel:** _Zambambo?!_

**Roxas:** *laughs* Fine, I’m a zambambo, you fucking win!

**Axel:** Damn right I do! *laughs* DO YOU KNOW WHY THE SUN SETS RED? I DO!

**Roxas:** That’s great, but the sun’s yellow right now.

**Axel:** Fuck off, I’m talking. You see, light is made up of lots of colors. And out of all those colors, red is the one that travels the farthest.

**Roxas:** *elbows him* You’re so fucking full of yourself.

**Axel:** You know it! *laughs with Roxas again*

**Sunset:** *is actually really pretty*

**Axel:** I AM NOW CHILLAXING.

**Roxas:** With your derp face on again, yeah. *examining his finished ice cream stick* So where that bitch at, anyway, she’s later than you were.

**Axel:** She’s probably just now finding out that she’s basically a clone. Of a biological male no less, that’s gotta be confusing.

**Roxas:** You say something?

**Axel:** NOPE! *sits up* And now I must brood.

**Roxas:** You brood quite well.

**Axel:** Why thank you.

**Xion:** *is staring at a glowing blue ball in Castle Oblivion* …Yep, I’m a clone. Of a biological male. And yet I am biologically female and have never had a problem identifying as such. This, uh, this is kind of weird.

_Now Axel’s Acting Weird_  
I repeated the cutscene from the beginning of the game with Axel after work today, but Xion didn’t show. Just like in the cutscene from the beginning of the game. Why am I so surprised.

Axel said she got sent on an important mission, but he wouldn’t look at me when he said it. Mainly because he didn’t say it, he kind of just brooded and may have let slip a spoiler, I don’t know, I wasn’t listening to that part. I’ve been wondering what’s wrong with Xion all this time, but now that I stop and think about it, Axel’s not himself either. Because he’s always told me everything all the time with perfect coherence. Obviously.

( _Final Stages_  
Xion’s appearance should vary based on the relation of the viewer to her. Saïx sees her simply as a puppet. The Program approaches completion. Through Roxas, Xion is assembling a copy of the hero of the Keyblade. Which I thought was Sora, and yet she sometimes appears to take on _Ventus’s_ form to my eyes. So basically Xion and Roxas look like they could really be twins or something, since Ventus and Roxas look exactly the fucking same apart from the outfits, I don’t know what’s going on there. Why doesn’t Roxas look more like Sora, _he’s_ his Somebody, not Ventus, how did that even happen, I don’t even know where Ventus is right now or if he’s even fucking alive, THIS UNIVERSE MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE.)

~Day 256: News~

**Xemnas:** So those of us who are here are inexplicably in the Round Room this morning.

**Roxas:** Where’s Xion?

**Xemnas:** That’ actually what I wanted to talk to you guys about. She kind of fucked off and we don’t know where she is.

**Demyx:** Gwah?!

**Saïx:** Why doesn’t that surprise me.

**Luxord:** Huh. Weird.

**Axel:** *is pinching the bridge of his nose* And here I thought she would take it well.

**Roxas:** …C-Crap baskets.

**Demyx:** So did she run away or is she just stuck on another tough mission again, it’s happened before.

**Xaldin:** Why would she want to run away? There’s nothing but happy fun times to be had amongst a group such as ours.

**Xemnas:** …Sure. But seriously, though, don’t go looking for her unless I have Saïx actually order you to do so.

**Roxas:** … _WHY?!_

**Saïx:** As logical as this question is, I suggest you shut your butt before we shut it for you.

**Roxas:** … _WHY, THOUGH?! WHY WOULDN’T YOU WANT TO GO LOOK FOR HER?!_

**Saïx:** Why _would_ we?

**Roxas:** Because she’s a valuable asset to the Organization! So what if she couldn’t beat one boss on her own, that’s what sending two or three members is for, as is others doing recon work to assess the situation first, which you never did before that one mission! She went in blind and on her own, and you didn’t give her any decent panels until literally the next day!

**Xemnas:** Roxas, stop using logic on Saïx, it’s making his brain hurt.

**Axel:** Ha.

**Xemnas:** But no, I’ll tell you guys what’s going on later, if I feel like it.

**Axel:** Which means you might not tell anyone anything after all.

**Saïx:** You’re finally learning.

**Roxas:** Hey, how ‘bout you explain it a little more than not at all.

**Xemnas:** Enh… _nah._

**Roxas:** Grr-face. *goes to the main room that everyone hangs out it before missions* I wanna wind down after all that crazy bullshit. AT LEAST I GOT THIS SICK LEVEL TRIPLER! *triples his level and moves all his panels around to accommodate this new change, also equipping Crisis Gear to create Silent Dirge* Man these Keyblade titles are weird…

**Luxord:** Only a fool bends to the cards. We shape our fates through action. Here, how about this for a change of pace? Synthesize something by combining this Combo Tech++ and a Diamond. Come show me when you’re done.

**Roxas:** Do it yourself, dick. *does it anyway* Here’s your fucking Auto-Dodge.

**Luxord:** Looks like you were successful. You’ve won my challenge. Here’s your prize. *gives Roxas Silver to make up for making him use up a fucking _Diamond_ * Sometimes fun and games can make a serious difference in life.

**Roxas:** Uh-huh, whatever.

**Xigbar:** Get your ass out on those missions.

**Roxas:** What do you think I’m fucking doing?!

**Demyx:** Where could she have gone?

**Roxas:** I really wish I knew. *goes to Halloween Town* My mission is to somehow create _more_ Heartless instead of taking them out?! WHY THE BALLS WOULD I WANT TO DO THAT?! At least those shitty balloons are gone. As are all the people. Meh, worth it if I don’t get a bomb thrown at my face this time, that would be nice.

**Heartless:** *appears*

**Roxas:** Oh, mission accomplished then.

**Tentaclaw:** *also appears and eats the other Heartless*

**Roxas:** …Ah. Still mission accomplished, since I really just have to find out what the thing was…Meh, I’ll stick around, why the fuck not.

**More tentaclaws:** *appear all the fuck over*

**Roxas:** *murders them all out of spite* Aaaaaand that probably wasn’t the last of it either. I should check all over this planet just to be safe. Or, y’know, the parts I’m actually allowed to go to.

**Information:** Find out what is reducing the Heartless population!

**Roxas:** I CLEARLY ALREADY KNOW, YOU SHIT. *goes further into the area*

**Lock:** *falls down a ladder* WET YOURSELVES AND RUN!

**Shock:** *falls down the ladder* Why did you look?! WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO LOOK?!

**Barrel:** *falls down the ladder* I don’t know! I can’t help it!

**Roxas:** *facepalms* Of _course_ it would be all their fault…

**Tentaclaws:** *pop up all over Crescent Hill* HAY GAIS!

**Roxas:** Oh good. *kills them all* And now to check out that ladder, I guess. Oh, it just leads to the area you’d normally be able to get to if you activated Crescent Hill itself. How the fuck to I know that. *goes to the area where Oogie’s Mansion used to be* Hoooo boy.

**Leechgrave:** *is a giant turnip with deadly vines that yanks out a chained casket out of the ground. Also Tentaclaws*

**Roxas:** …Well this is gonna be a fun one. *gets rid of all the Tentaclaws, wails on the casket, and fights the Tentaclaws again when they pop back up, ad nauseum*

**Turnip Head:** *unleashes what are presumably Heartless out of the top of its head before collapsing and exploding*

**Roxas:** BOY AM I FUCKING OUT OF HERE.

**Jack:** *sees Roxas on his way out* Black outfit…Dark, creepy tentacles…I JUST THOUGHT UP SLENDERMAN! *somehow gets up to the Main Plaza to talk to Dr. Finkelstein before Roxas makes it to the same area* And no matter what you do, if he catches up to you, you die no matter what!

**Dr. Finkelstein:** Maybe if we added a TV static effect whenever he’s nearby so people know that either they have a chance to run away or that there’s truly no hope left…

**Jack:** PERFECT. Now all we need is eight spooky drawings and/or notes…Also I kind of want to make explosions happen, but ironically I think that might take away from the horror.

**Dr. Finkelstein:** Finally, not only have you come up with something actually scary, but you’re starting to learn the nuances of subtlety.

**Jack:** …You’re saying that I didn’t before?

**Dr. Finkelstein:** Yes. *leaves with him*

**Roxas:** …I don’t know why, but I kinda wanna pee my shit all over. *goes back to the Dark Corridor*

**Lock, Shock, and Barrel:** ‘Sup, nerd!

**Roxas:** You guys gonna throw another bomb in my face?

**Lock:** You mean this bomb? *throws bomb in Roxas’s face* KABLAMS! *runs off with the other two*

**Roxas:** Oh those wacky terrorists. *goes to Twilight Town and starts nomming ice cream* Neither of them today, huh. Crap baskets.

**Axel:** Oh look, Roxas’s sad. You can see it on his sad face.

_Xion’s Gone Missing_  
Xion has gone missing. Hence the damn title of this entry. Why did I start doing that again? Anyway, nobody said anything about her being hurt, so that’s good…I guess.

Did she run off? That doesn’t make any sense. It’s not like she’s had major issues with every member aside from me and Axel and maybe Demyx, the worst person being Saïx. Why would she ever want to run away after dealing with him?! Xemnas told us not to go after her. The way Saïx explained it, it’s almost like they don’t think she’s worth getting back, which makes no sense when she could probably go out and tell people who we are and what we’re doing which might make people want to fucking _stop_ us when they find out we actually want to create huge Heartless so we can add members and also steal hearts to create our own.

What is going on? I don’t have the slightest clue. I just slapped a cow.

( _Who We Each See_  
Xion’s disappearance is fascinating. If she really is breaking from our control, it’s a sign of her approaching the essence of the hero, considering Sora would never work with assholes like us. It seems Saïx still doesn’t truly “see” her. I’m curious to know how she appears to the others. I see her as Ventus, obviously, though I’ll respect her wish to be addressed by female pronouns; it would be rude of me not to. I suspect that Xemnas sees something else entirely in her. Or he also sees Ventus, it’s not outside the realm of possibility…Then again, maybe he sees Aqua for absolutely no reason, who even knows at this point.)

~Day 257: Hollow~

**Roxas:** Well I read that too fast; I thought it said Hallow and got far too excited.

**Demyx:** Can’t say I blame the girl for wanting to bail on these missions, but…I’m not about to go get myself turned into a Dusk over it.

**Roxas:** Whatever. *heads to Wonderland with Xigbar* Well this is a change.

**Xigbar:** So what’s the plan with this thing?

**Roxas:** We figure out the Emerald Serenade’s pattern, wail on it when it’s in proximity to us, and keep waiting until we actually get near enough to attack it again.

**Xigbar:** Huh. That sounds lame. Why can’t we just run after it?

**Roxas:** I advise you, as kind of sort of your friend, that you should not attempt this.

**Xigbar:** Fine…What’s that you’re drinking and why did you just shrink?

**Roxas:** Shrinking Solution, it’s fine.

**Xigbar:** …OKAY THEN. *also shrinks and follows Roxas into the main forested area place thing* …I vote we get rid of all the other Heartless first so they don’t annoy us while we take out the mini-boss thing.

**Roxas:** Good plan. *manages to do the thing roughly ten hours later* Okay, I gotta do a thing, later.

**Xigbar:** Later! *RTCs*

**Roxas:** *goes to Twilight Town* …Okay, Xion I get, she fucked off, but why isn’t Axel here anymore either? *sits down and doesn’t even bother to have any ice cream*

_He’s Avoiding Me_  
I want to talk to Axel about Xion, but I can’t seem to get ten seconds with the guy. He’s not even coming to the clock tower anymore. What a dick waffle. What am I supposed to do? I can’t believe he’s avoiding me. We’re supposed to be friends. Then again, so are me and Xion, and look how that’s turning out…

( _In the Cards_  
The air is charged. I can feel it. We’re nearly at the end-game now. You go out on a big gamble at a time like this, and you’re going to lose big. That said, it’s betting against the worst odds that nets the biggest win. I’m eager to see how this hand plays out.

I keep forgetting that I only speak in card puns. I should probably stop.)

~Day 258~

**Roxas:** No new dialogue or anything? Right, straight to work then. *goes to Agrabah* Just kill things? I can just kill things. Been meaning to take out some frustrations on these things anyway. *goes all over Agrabah killing various Heartless* …There’s a whole new area I still can’t get to, isn’t there. Oh well, I’ll hundred percent this one later, I guess.

~Eventually and I probably won’t write about the replay here. You’re welcome.~


	21. ...Okay, Jesus Christ, I Don't Understand What's Going On Here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **I Cannot Come Up With Anything Original To Save My Life:** Twisted: The Untold Story of a Royal Vizier, _Once Upon a Time,_ Super Best Friends Play, Spoony Experiment, _Harry Potter,_ A Very Potter Sequel, _Sayounara Zetsubou Sensei,_ Dragon Ball Z Abridged, _Firefly, Princess Bride, Oklahoma, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, Hunger Games, Monty Python's Life of Brian,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Day 276: Disorder~

**Roxas:** *goes to Destiny Islands for once* This is as good a place as any to insert the movie cutscenes, I guess. And also to have static-filled flashbacks.

**Sora:** *sits up* Oooooh, beach pretty… *yawns widely, falls back down again*

**Kairi:** *elbow drops him* I’ve been watching you sleep.

**Sora:** WHAT THE FLYING FUCKING SHIT FUCK. *gets up in a kneeling position*

**Kairi:** Gigglesnort.

**Sora:** Never. Do. That. Again.

**Roxas:** The fuck was that shit. *picks up a thalassa shell* So this is where Xion got the shells. *looks around and sees Xion heading to the area where Riku normally hung out*

**Xion:** *has her hood up*

**Roxas:** *runs up to catch up with her* HAY GURL!

**Xion:** … *pulls her hood down*

**Roxas:** …Why the shit are you Zexion.

**Zexion:** Don’t forget, you can only be greeted with beings of darkness in this castle.

**Riku:** So why did Tidus, Selphie, and Wakka disappear?

**Zexion:** Shut up, all of your memories of this place are gone. Because apparently you also have the amnesia gimmick now.

**Roxas:** …What the fuck is going on.

**Riku:** …No, I really don’t. I remember everything about these islands. I even remember that Sora had me beat at a hundred to three, though those wins were just one fight and ninety-nine races. And he and Kairi are my bestest friendly-friends!

**Roxas:** No seriously, what the fuck is going on.

**Zexion:** Which is why you threw all of your friends away.

**Riku:** Well can you really blame me for throwing away Tidus, Selphie, and Wakka? Hell, how do we know _they_ weren’t dark themselves? Wakka's profile says _grand wizard,_ for fuck's sake, you _know_ how racist he is! Also Tidus is the son of fucking Sin, and Selphie literally has the power to control _THE DEVIL._ How am _I_ darker than her?!

**Zexion:** Well, you _did_ blow up your home planet.

**Roxas:** My brain is starting to explode with how much of this doesn’t make sense.

**Riku:** No, that was the Heartless and your original boss who did that—

**Zexion:** Not only was your planet destroyed, but pretty much everyone except you, Sora, and Kairi died in the process. And then they got better, but it doesn’t matter, you’re still a terrible person.

**Xion:** And now I’m Xion with a migraine instead.

**Zexion:** You hated being trapped on this _fucking tropical paradise people would literally kill to live on_ so much that you opened the door to darkness — somehow — and invited the Heartless to wreak destruction upon your world. It’s all your fault.

**Riku:** That’s not true! That’s impossible! As is me turning into _Xion_ and back again, I thought she was Sora.

**Zexion:** Search your feelings, you know it to be true! You _are_ a villain, and there is never any return from that! _Villains don’t get happy endings! LOOK AT WHAT YOU TRULY ARE!_

**Sora:** _There_ we go, that’s better. Except that I’m still unconscious with brain damage.

**Actual Riku:** Yo. Wake your shit.

**Xion:** I was just Roxas, then _Zexion,_ then you, then Sora. Seriously, who the fuck am I supposed to be.

**Riku:** I honestly thought you were Kairi’s Nobody or something. *brushes her hair out of her face* Little shipping fodder there…Seriously, you look exactly the fuck like Kairi. Except I know you’re not, though. Now pardon me while I flashback to a conversation with Kairi’s actual Nobody.

**Naminé:** Hey, you grew your hair out! Lookin’ _fine,_ man!

**Riku:** We can talk about my undeniable hotness later, how’s Sora?

**Naminé:** Not great. *staring down at a drawing of Axel, Roxas, and Xion*

**Riku:** Can you give me any details?

**Naminé:** …Okay, this is gonna sound a little weird, but I can’t find some of Sora’s memories.

**Riku:** …I thought they never left the heart.

**Naminé:** I thought so too, but the Organization’s fucking with us. They made a clone that’s siphoning Roxas, Sora’s Nobody, of Sora’s memories. Those memories are starting to fuck with _her_ now.

**Riku:** …I kinda feel bad about fucking with more people than I have to. I kicked this girl’s ass once, and she seemed like a good kid. I don’t want to put her through more than I have to. Isn’t there some way we can just transfer the memories from Xion to Sora without actively harming her in the process?

**Naminé:** And use Sora as a Pensieve? Maybe, if she hasn’t fully acclimated to them yet. If she has…I can still do it, but we’re running on a time limit, and you know DiZ wouldn’t approve.

**Riku:** So what, we murder her instead?

**Naminé:** Possibly. If I just fuck around with _her_ memory, then Sora might wake up, but no one will remember _him._

**Riku:** …But I wanna remember him, though.

**Naminé:** How can you do that, by the way, I thought everyone forgot him for like a year.

**Riku:** Iunno.

**Naminé:** Frankly, we have to do a lot of shit we don’t want to if we’re gonna do this without angering DiZ. For some reason, even though I’ve fought hard to be important to Sora and become my own person, and your Replica did something very similar, we never dreamed that _other_ Nobodies and Replicas would be the same as well! Buuuuut we have to assimilate the both of them. Which sucks. Oh, random tidbit, you know how she keeps switching between Sora and Kairi to you?

**Riku:** Yeah?

**Naminé:** She actually just had a blank puppet face at first. Now she looks different to different people, but most commonly looks like a brunette version of Kairi.

**Riku:** In the manga, she straight-up looked like Kairi to me a couple times.

**Naminé:** I know. And that’s further proof that she’s assimilating Sora instead of what should be the other way around. Sora, Roxas, and Xion’s memories are all fucked up beyond belief now. Really the only way to regain Sora is to kill the other two.

**Riku:** And I’m done flashbacking.

**Roxas:** So I _was_ here. Why am I running away? What the fuck just happened? *RTCs probably*

**Riku:** …You asleep?

**Xion:** I’m dreaming that me, Roxas, and Axel really did get to go to the beach.

**Roxas:** With me in Sora’s spot, you in Kairi’s spot…

**Axel:** …and me in Riku’s spot, only far more relaxed than he ever was.

**Xion:** …So am I just not meant to exist?

**Axel:** Who cares? What do you _want_ to do?

**Xion:** Be with you two.

**Roxas:** …Why is this game so fucking good.

**Axel:** It’s pretty good. It’s almost like a writer wrote it.

**Roxas:** *puts his hand on top of Xion’s* C’mon, if you want to be with us, just come back to the Organization.

**Xion:** But I’m fucked up. Why can’t I become a real person who doesn’t exist?!

**Roxas:** …These games are fucked up.

**Axel:** Dat sunset, though.

**Xion:** Yeah…And I’m done dreaming now.

**Axel:** And now the real me’s sitting on the clock tower in Twilight Town. Nom.

**Roxas:** HEY GURL! Been a while.

**Axel:** Yeah, sorry, had to sort some stuff out.

**Roxas:** So I got to go to Destiny Islands. Apparently for my mission even though we’ve never had a mission there ever and I was really just in Agrabah again. And then I had a weird hallucination where either I saw Xion turn into Zexion, then some silver haired kid I don’t know, then the guy in red that _I_ keep hallucinating about, and then either I passed out or left, it’s a little fuzzy. Or I could’ve seen Kairi, who even knows. I think Xigbar might’ve slipped me something after yesterday’s mission or something, I have no idea what’s real anymore. What do _you_ think, Stereotypically Drunk Mexican Cyborg Early Nineties Otaku Kid?

**Axel:** … *stands up* That’s it, I don’t care what Xemnas and Saïx say, we’re looking for her.

**Roxas:** When?

**Axel:** After missions, instead of meeting here, we’ll split up and search every planet until we find her.

**Roxas:** I AM A FAN OF THIS PLAN.

**Axel:** I knew you would be. And now I’m gonna look away from you all anxious-like.

**Roxas:** Why do you keep doing that?

**Axel:** Don’t worry about it.

**Roxas:** Okay.

~WHAT A FUN, UPLIFTING GAME THIS IS.~

_By the Sea_  
I don’t remember much about today’s mission—just that it was by the beach. Or was it? The mission didn’t even feel real. And then I had a weird hallucination that I still can’t decipher the meaning of. Sure, Xion’s siphoning off the memories of me and Sora, but what do Riku’s memories have to do with anything?

Me and Axel agreed to start looking for Xion tomorrow. Like two weeks after she disappeared. We’re such good friends like that.

( _Behind the Truth_  
Xion is gone. Roxas still doesn’t know anything, but Xion found out. That’s most likely why she left and that’s why I need to find her. We don’t have hearts, so we can accept the facts we’re given as truth. But something far more important lies behind that truth. Saïx would laugh at people with no hearts calling each other friends, but I don’t give a fuck what he thinks anymore.

As the Nobody of the hero of the Keyblade and the Replica of that Nobody, those two are special. Unique in every sense of the word. And frankly that means we have two Keyblade wielders that we should probably protect and keep on our side at all costs, but try logically explaining that to Saïx. And that doesn’t change the fact that we’re friends. Nothing will. Got it memorized, Xion?)

~Day 277: Searching~

**Demyx:** Aw, Roxas, man! You gotta help me out! With Xion gone, all her extra work’s been coming to me even though I can’t wield a Keyblade and thus can’t collect hearts! I totally have zero time to find all the Heartless hiding in Mission 62! You know the drill: just go up to any fishy spots and examine them. Thanks, man!

**Roxas:** …Why were you given missions apparently identical to my own?

**Demyx:** You found them all? Aw, you’re a lifesaver, man! Thanks. So, uh…any chance I could also get you to take on this extra mission from Saïx? Just check in with him when you’re ready for it!

**Roxas:** Great…

**Demyx:** Ugh, why do they give these jobs to me, of all people?

**Axel:** I’ll go look for her after work today. You do the same.

**Roxas:** Cool.

**Luxord:** Up to something? You have a terrible poker face.

**Roxas:** I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT. *equips a Rage Gear+ to create Astral Blast+* Yep, Keyblades still have weird names. *heads to Wonderland alone for I think the first time ever*

**Cheshire Cat:** You alone in this world for the first time ever? *appears in front of Roxas*

**Roxas:** You gonna help with the mission again or are you gonna be a massive shit dick?

**Cheshire Cat:** Maaaaaayyyyyybeeeeeee…

**Roxas:** Well when you make up your mind, I’ll be looking for what is probably a boss Heartless.

**Cheshire Cat:** ARE YOU TRYING TO FIND WHAT IS PROBABLY A BOSS HEARTLESS?!

**Roxas:** That was astounding. How did you know.

**Cheshire Cat:** YOU SHOULD LOOK IN DARK PLACES TO FIND DARK CREATURES. *disappears*

**Roxas:** Wow. What sage advice. *takes Shrinking Solution*

**Cheshire Cat:** Aren’t you glad you don’t have to explore very far?

**Crimson Pranksters:** *rise up from the shadow under the table*

**Roxas:** …Why are they called the _Crimson_ Pranksters, the original Trickmaster had more red in it than these _purple and green_ Heartless! Also another pallet swap. This game is beginning to bore me. *defeats them eventually*

**Cheshire Cat:** CONGLATURATIONS!

**Roxas:** Okay, I’m getting sick of you. You a villain, a good guy, what gives? ‘Cause if you’re a villain maybe we could hang out, since I’m basically from a group of villains kinda sorta against my will.

**Cheshire Cat:** Oh please. There is no good and evil, there is only power and those two weak to seek it.

**Roxas:** Okay, either way, you’re definitely not someone I would enjoy spending time with.

**Cheshire Cat:** Tell me, Roxas, now when did you last let your heart decide? Disapparate!

**Roxas:** *throws up an arm* Ah, magic! Also what a dick, I don’t even have a heart supposedly! *leaves Wonderland and heads to Beast’s Castle to look for Xion* My thorough investigation consisting of going to the courtyard and glancing around briefly has yielded nothing. I AM IN DESPAIR! MY INABILITY TO FIND MY FRIEND HAS LEFT ME IN DESPAIR! At least I got the Thundaga spell finally.

~Day 278~

**Roxas:** *immediately changes his Keyblade to a Maverick Flare with Champion Gear* Damn this Keyblade looks familiar…

**Axel:** Don’t forget to look for her after work today.

**Saïx:** What was that?

**Axel:** Nothing!

**Saïx:** …Okay then. Roxas, do these optional missions. Or not, I don’t care.

**Roxas:** I’ll do the optional ones. *goes to Beast’s Castle with Axel first* Maybe I can do more searching here than I was able to do last night…

**Axel:** Oh, you went here first? I checked around Neverland, nothing yet. You?

**Roxas:** As established, no.

**Axel:** Crap baskets. Oh well, let’s at least search in every area we’re actually allowed to go today.

**Roxas:** …Which is just the ballroom and the entrance hall and that’s it.

**Axel:** …Moar crap baskets. *helps Roxas kill all the defenders*

**Roxas:** At least this was a quick and easy mission so we can have more time to look for Xion.

**Axel:** I’d agree with you if this Invisible didn’t just pop up.

**Roxas:** Huh, one of these guys.

**Axel:** You’ve fought them before?

**Roxas:** …No…?

**Axel:** Ah. Well let’s just kill it so we can leave.

**Roxas:** M’kay. *kills it* Okay, I’m thinking of heading to Halloween Town next.

**Axel:** Okay, I’m actually gonna check out our own gorram castle, see if she’s hiding in one of the rooms no one uses anymore due to them all being dead. I actually have a good feeling about Vexen’s room…

**Roxas:** All right. Have fun storming the castle!

**Axel:** Think it’ll work?

**Roxas:** It’ll take a miracle. Good-bye! *heads to Crescent Hill* …Fuck.

~Day 279~

**Roxas:** *heads downstairs in the Castle That Never Was* Maybe I can continue Axel’s work from last night while trying to not die. *survives getting beaten to death by Dusks for two minutes* Well that was outrageously easy. Why aren’t I going anywhere to search. Fuck it, let’s just assume I looked around the castle a bit longer.

~Day 280~

**Roxas:** *goes to Halloween Town with Luxord*

**Luxord:** Anything I should know about this place?

**Roxas:** Not really, actually. All we have to do is kill shit anyway.

**Luxord:** Neat. *helps Roxas kill everything* Well that was easy. You heading to Twilight Town again today?

**Roxas:** Y-Yeah, of course! *actually heads to Agrabah* Still nothing. Fuck.

~Pity we didn’t see any of Axel’s search.~

_No Sign of Her_  
I’ve looked everywhere for Xion, in every world I’m actually aware of, but there’s just no sign of her.

Where is she? Why did she leave the Organization aside from Saïx being the worst person to ever not exist? I don’t get it, any of it.

( _True Agenda_  
Axel and Roxas are up to something. Probably looking for Xion or something. But no matter. No plot they concoct will change the fact that the Organization no longer has any use for Xion. Our plans have split and diverged, which mean the same thing, and advance now to the next stage. The No. i project and the Replica Program merely paved the way. Our true goals lie elsewhere, in something we’ll never really tell any of the others about ever.)

~Day 296: Confessions~

**Roxas:** I wonder what we do in between all the days that’re actually shown…

**Xigbar:** Heh heh…Keep running wild and somebody might have to throw a leash on you.

**Roxas:** …I NEED AN ADULT.

**Xigbar:** I AM AN ADULT!

**Roxas:** Eurgh…Time to talk to someone far less creepy than you. Why am I now talking to Xaldin.

**Xaldin:** If you have time to gawk, go collect some treasure chests. Based on your mission count, you should have found at least 240 or so by now. Come see me when you’ve filled that quota.

**Roxas:** Well I’ve been picking up every single one I could, but I know I’ve missed—

**Xaldin:** So, you’ve opened over 240 chests…Very well. Take this. Try not to squander it. *gives Roxas Blazing Crystal*

**Roxas:** Shiiiiinyyyy…

**Xaldin:** Stop thinking and act. There’s work to be done.

**Axel:** I’ll look again after work today, see if I can find her.

**Roxas:** Likewise.

**Saïx:** We’re upgrading your shit again. Get hyped.

**Roxas:** Meh. *buys some new panels and heads to Olympus Coliseum after reconfiguring shit* It’s been a while since I’ve been here. Wonder if Phil will even let me enter the games so I can harvest organs…

**Phil:** OF COURSE YOU CAN, I’M JUST HAPPY YOU’RE FUCKING ALIVE, WHICH MEANS I STILL DON’T SUCK AT MY JOB. Also how come you never told me Herc never recommended ya?

**Roxas:** Well you never gave me a chance to WHY DO I HAVE A TV STATIC FLASHBACK OF THE FIRST GAME EVERY TIME I FUCKING COME IN HERE.

**Phil:** Well whatever, how ‘bout we actually come clean with each other this time? Where have you been, Ventus, why choose now to come back, and why haven’t you aged in ten years?

**Roxas:** My name’s _Roxas,_ I have no idea who Ventus is, I was serious about having amnesia, I was quite literally born this age, and I came here because the boss of this shadowy organization of probably-villains sent me here to wipe out Heartless so we can harvest their organs to create hearts of our own.

**Phil:** Well if you didn’t want to tell me you could’ve just said so.

**Roxas:** *facepalms*

**Phil:** Anyway, the Games are conveniently starting up again today of all days. Wanna try it?

**Roxas:** Why not, I don’t have friends to save.

**Phil:** That’s the spirit! NOW GET IN THERE AND MURDER SHIT.

**Roxas:** I LOVE MURDERING SHIT! *goes through until round two* Why can’t I just jump up to the platform and murder shit, I hate hitting barrels at things! *goes through the rest of the games and wins*

**Phil:** Damn, how much’ve you been leveling up while you were gone?!

**Roxas:** A fair bit.

**Phil:** Well keep it up as much as you can, you hear me?

**Roxas:** Like I can do anything else.

**Phil:** Atta boy! And listen, don’t be afraid to come back whenever you want, okay? You seemed afraid that I’d be mad at ya or something.

**Roxas:** Maybe?

**Phil:** Well don’t, I’m always glad to see old friends, amnesia or not. *walks off*

**Roxas:** Huh. Wonder why I never ask about this Ventus guy aside from the part where we only make this shit up for the parody because why wouldn’t Phil and Herc recognize me. At least I know we’re friends now. *heads to Twilight Town and automatically meets up with Axel* So I can’t think of anymore worlds we could check.

**Axel:** Did either of us check Destiny Islands?

**Roxas:** Maybe? I don’t know.

**Axel:** Maybe she’s in an area we can’t get to yet. *sits down on the clock tower*

**Roxas:** …What about Castle Oblivion? Have you looked there yet, ‘cause I haven’t.

**Axel:** Uuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhh…

**Roxas:** Come to think of it, didn’t Xion ask you what that place was like a few weeks back? And didn’t you apparently say that Xion got put on an important mission right before she disappeared?

**Axel:** If I did, I was definitely lying to make you feel better, but sure, let’s go with this. I’m warning you, though, there aren’t any Heartless or anything else in there anymore apart from a hidden room with a guy who looks a lot like you who’s been in a coma for over ten years now. Nothing important, basically.

**Roxas:** But what if Xion _is_ there? It’s the only place we haven’t looked yet, it’s got to have _some_ significance!

**Axel:** You’re just assuming that because Xion was born there.

**Roxas:** …How long have you known that?

**Axel:** Couple months.

**Roxas:** And you were planning on telling me when…?

**Axel:** Whenever it became any of your business.

**Roxas:** Ah, good point. Except now I _really_ want to go there to look for her.

**Axel:** Of course you do.

~I wonder why Axel’s reluctant to take Roxas there. What could possibly go wrong?~

_Castle Oblivion_  
There’s one place we haven’t checked yet to see if Xion’s there — Castle Oblivion. When I brought it up with Axel, he surprised me by saying that CO is where Xion was born. I guess he just found out himself, two months ago or more. What a swell friend that guy is.

Is that where Xion is, though?

( _Hidden Truths_  
None of us really know everything that’s going on in Castle Oblivion. Some rooms even Xemnas doesn’t know about, though I hear he’s been searching for years. Not many are even aware that Xion was born there. It’ll take a prequel game with a surprise twist during a hidden ending to find out what that place is truly about.)

~Day 297: Contact~

**Roxas:** *bursts into song* _Oh what a beautiful mooooooorniiiiiing~!_

**Saïx:** The imposter’s shown himself again.

**Axel:** Why’re you telling me and not everyone?

**Saïx:** Because I always tell you everything.

**Axel:** Bull.

**Saïx:** No, roast beef, but I haven’t got it quite right yet.

**Roxas:** When you say imposter…

**Saïx:** The one that Xion failed to eliminate, yes. Apparently he’s dicking around Castle Oblivion, of all places.

**Roxas:** I VOLUNTEER AS TRIBUTE.

**Saïx:** Don’t go by yourself or you’ll be eliminated.

**Axel:** Which is why you shit all over Xion all the time for not taking him out by yourself, right?

**Saïx:** What’s your point?

**Axel:** *facepalms* I’ll go with Roxas, okay? I’m really the only guy left who’s actually been there anyway.

**Saïx:** Do whatever you want, just make sure that guy pays for stealing our awesome outfit. *walks off*

**Roxas and Axel:** AW YEAH, LET’S DO THIS SHIT!

**Roxas:** I just noticed we’re the only people in this room. Weird.

**Axel:** Indeed. *smirks* CO, huh? Ask and ye shall receive.

**Roxas:** Sick.

**Saïx:** Would you two just go already.

**Axel:** I’ll lead the way, I guess. *takes Roxas there and closes the door behind him*

**Roxas:** So this is Castle Oblivion. It’s…a lot brighter than I thought it would be.

**Axel:** Yeah, it has that effect on people—ROXAS?!

**Roxas:** Hold up, I think I might sense Ventus or something. Or I’m remembering the time Sora was here. Either way, _Christ_ does my head hurt. *clutches his head and doubles over, but still inches forward*

**Axel:** Okay, we’re not gonna do this right now, okay? Let’s just get you out of here—

**Roxas:** It’s just a headache, I’m fine! What if Xion’s really here?! We have to go find her now! *collapses to his knees* Or not…

**Axel:** I vote not.

**Roxas:** So much…rushing into…my head…whether Sora’s…or Ventus’s…not a hundred…percent clear…although probably Sora’s…

**Axel:** *helps him stand* Yeah, I’m taking you outta here.

**Roxas:** Hang on…I can almost think of a thing…

**Axel:** No. *takes him through a Dark Corridor*

**Riku:** I can’t believe you’re giving up already, dude. I thought you were so much stronger than that. You’re level one hundred, for fuck’s sake! You beat _Sephiroth!_ Final boss or not, this is gonna be a cakewalk for you and you know it!

**Roxas:** *wakes up in Twilight Town, screaming Riku’s name and breathing heavily*

**Axel:** Finally, you’re awake! And providing fodder for shippers, I couldn’t be more proud! But more importantly, ARE YOU OKAY?

**Roxas:** Depends, what the fuck just happened?

**Axel:** You started having a massive headache just as we entered the castle. I didn’t want to exacerbate it so I grabbed you and fucked off. Any of this ringing a bell?

**Roxas:** Just the actually entering the castle part. If I really did get another huge headache I’m almost glad I can’t remember it. *gets up*

**Axel:** Hey, don’t strain yourself.

**Roxas:** I wanna try going back.

**Axel:** Tough. Watching you get hurt makes me hurt, and frankly I’m not putting either of us through that again, not willingly—Oh hey Xion, Imposter Dude.

**Roxas:** HEY GURL!

**Xion:** *immediately summons a Dark Corridor and leaves*

**Roxas:** Oh come on, dick move, bro!

**Riku:** Yeah no.

**Roxas:** Please?

**Riku:** Still no. *starts to sashay off like a boss*

**Roxas:** …Well our mission _is_ to kill this guy…

**Axel:** And _I’ll_ do that while you take it easy!

**Roxas:** Nope, still fighting!

**Axel:** Oh I give up with you.

**Axel and Roxas:** *follow Riku into the tunnels and ignore him in favor of fighting Heartless*

**Riku:** …Dafuq are they doing?

**Roxas:** *finally locks onto Riku himself* …Why don’t you have a health bar?

**Axel:** Damn it, this fight was decided before we even began to fight, wasn’t it.

**Riku:** Basically.

**Axel:** Okay, I’m just about done with this shit.

**Roxas:** Oh, I think we can go further into this sewer-like area.

**Axel:** Can I at least just not watch it?

**Roxas:** You can-You can look to the side, I guess.

**Axel:** I’m looking to the side now.

**Riku:** *leads them out of the tunnels eventually*

**Roxas:** Hurg. *follows him into an actual sewer area*

**Axel and Roxas:** *run around and attack flowers instead of their actual target*

**Riku:** … *head tilt* Okay…? *goes through a Dark Corridor before the other two can really catch up to him*

**Roxas:** …All of the crap baskets.

**Axel:** Tell me about it. What was he doing here, he was supposed to be at Castle Oblivion!

**Roxas:** And he had Xion with him…

**Axel:** You’re just saying that because that girl with him had Xion’s exact build and looked just like her whenever she had her hood up.

**Roxas:** Hence. But why would she run away from us, though?

**Axel:** Because just because _she_ ran away from the Organization doesn’t mean _we’ve_ stopped technically being villains?

**Roxas:** Oh what do _you_ know.

**Xion:** *is staring at them from around a corner, her hood back down*

**Riku:** *comes up to her and takes his own hood down* So what’s the plan? You wanna go back to them?

**Xion:** YES. But no. But yes. *stares at Roxas and Axel some more*

**Roxas and Axel:** *head up to the clock tower with some ice cream*

**Axel:** This doesn’t really seem like the time for some icing on the cake, but fuck it, it’s comfort food by this point. Nom.

**Roxas:** Still wondering what the fuck’s up with Xion.

**Axel:** At least she’s still fucking alive, since I gotta admit, I was starting to assume the worst. I actually feel way better now. She’ll come home when she’s ready maybe who knows.

**Roxas:** If she does, won’t they just turn her into a Dusk, though?

**Axel:** Oh, she’ll probably get away with crucifixion.

**Roxas:** _Crucifixion?!_

**Axel:** Yeah. First offense.

**Roxas:** _Get away with crucifixion?!_

**Axel:** Well at least it gets you out into the open air.

**Roxas:** But who’s the imposter supposed to be, though?

**Axel:** If he hadn’t actually grown this past year I might’ve been able to recognize him by his build. As it is…Oh, according to my journal entry, I totally know it’s him. Which is also why I’m probably not as worried as I should be about Xion.

**Roxas:** Huh.

~Does time not affect Nobodies, is that why Roxas and Xion still look the same age?~

_Who Is That Guy?_  
I went to Castle Oblivion to find Xion, but I don’t remember anything about it. Axel said I collapsed as soon as I got there. Knowing him, I wonder if he didn’t just knock me out and take me outta there as soon as we got there just so he wouldn’t have had to take me there. Had he been anyone else in the Organization I would’ve assumed that but I trust him, and it’s happened before so it’s not hard to believe.

I woke up in Twilight Town, and incredibly enough, Xion was there. But she wasn’t alone — there was this guy with her, and he was wearing the Organization’s coat. I could tell by his build that he wasn’t one of us, though. Who is he? IT’S ALMOST AS IF HE WAS SOME KIND OF IMPOSTER. IF ONLY XEMNAS AND SAÏX WARNED US ABOUT HIM OR SOMETHING.

( _Contact with Riku_  
The man they’re calling the imposter, that face Organization member? It’s Riku. I somehow know this. Maybe I recognize his fighting style from watching Riku Replica or from Roxas screaming his name, either or I guess. Roxas could very well remember him, somewhere deep in his memories. Still, it’s too soon to report this. I need to know why Xion was with him first. At first I wasn’t worried at all since Riku’s a pretty decent guy, but then I remembered what they might want from her. If she’s siding with Riku, that means she’s siding with Sora, which would mean that she would end up being assimilated. What are you planning to do, Xion?)


	22. Awkward Turtle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Would It Kill Me To Come Up With SOMETHING Original:** Attack on Titan Abridged, Super Best Friends Play, _Yu-Gi-Oh!,_ Dragonball Z Abridged, Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, _Airplane!, Monty Python’s Flying Circus, Attack on Titan, Harry Potter, One Piece, Pokémon, Resident Evil,_ Suburban Knights, A Very Potter Musical, _Pulp Fiction, Farscape, Monty Python's Holy Grail,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Day 298: Fracture~

**Roxas:** *humming Sanctuary under his breath*

**Axel:** _Nope._

**Saïx:** Yes you are.

**Axel:** _Nooooope._

**Saïx:** Xion is straight-up siding with the enemy, Lea, what other choice do we have? *sees Roxas and fucks off*

**Roxas:** …So—

**Axel:** *walks away without saying anything*

**Roxas:** Rude. *follows him to the main room* Weird how we’re the only three in here again.

**iheartmwpp:** …So it only took me 298 Days to realize that you could use the DS stick thing to organize your panels more easily. I AM TEH SMART.

**Axel:** ELLIPSIS.

**Roxas:** Oh for fuck’s sake, Axel.

**Saïx:** Don’t get angry with him, get angry at Xion, considering it betrayed us.

**Roxas:** You’re just saying that because we caught her hanging out with the Organization imposter who’s been planning who knows what kind of nefarious things against us.

**Saïx:** …Pretty much, yeah. Also I’m calling it a creature now.

**Roxas:** Something’s wrong with you. Really. Also there could’ve been a decent reason if anyone feels like _talking_ to her about why she’s doing whatever it is she’s doing. Axel, back me up on this!

**Axel:** I’ve already had a shouting match with Saïx, it’s no use.

**Saïx:** Because I’m right.

**Roxas:** But what if he’s forcing her to hang out with him? Blackmail, or something?

**Saïx:** Who gives a shit.

**Roxas:** Me?! Axel?! Why do you hate that we care so much, anyway?!

**Saïx:** Shut up and go murder that one guy. Like you should’ve done yesterday.

**Roxas:** _You_ try fighting someone without a health bar!

**Saïx:** Then you should’ve equipped Scan—

**Roxas:** Scan has never _not_ been equipped, you shrimp-dick fuck nugget!

**Saïx:** Axel, it’s your job to bring Xion back. I don’t particularly care in how many pieces. Or you can just kill it, I’m sure there won’t be much of a difference.

**Roxas:** Why would you play upon my emotions like this?!

**Saïx:** Why would I play upon your emotions…?

**Axel:** Hey, Roxas, you know what I’m _not_ gonna do? That.

**Roxas:** Well at least _someone_ in this fucking castle has a semblance of a soul.

**Axel:** Just be careful when fighting that guy, yeah? He looked extremely tough and we all know that he beat Xion’s ass once upon a time. We can’t take it for granted that he’s been sitting idly by while you two have gotten stronger, either; we have to assume he’s been leveling up this whole time as well.

**Roxas:** Gotcha. *heads to Twilight Town, apparently using a different Dark Corridor than the one Axel was using, and defeats a bunch of Mega-Shadows before heading into the main plaza* Now since Axel didn’t tell me who the imposter was, who was he, why was she with him, and why wasn’t she trying to escape?

**Xion:** I’M ON A BUILDING.

**Roxas:** WAIT UP!

**Xion:** NO! *runs off*

**Information:** We’re convinced that Xion’s actually the imposter!

**Roxas:** …But it’s so obviously Xion. *goes around killing Heartless and looking for treasure chests instead of actually confronting Xion*

**Xion:** Of course he would do that.

**Roxas:** …So I’m gonna bash you with the Keyblade over and over now since _somehow_ I can’t tell it’s you.

**Xion:** Go ahead, I’ll really just attempt to run away feebly and that’s, like, it.

**Roxas:** *is now getting pissed off at the gameplay* If I could tell by the build that that other guy was Riku, how can I not tell from the build that this is my _FUCKING BEST FRIEND?!_

**Xion:** Iunno. *eventually gets tired and stops, and the cutscene happens right as you walk up to her*

**Roxas:** SHOW YOURSELF, BANDIT KEITH!

**Xion:** Oh if only, amirite? *takes off hood*

**Roxas:** About friggin’ time! Axel and I have been worried sick, you know?

**Xion:** Sorry I made you worry.

**Roxas:** Oh don’t worry about it, as long as you’re safe. Hey, I bet Saïx’ll let everything go if you come home voluntarily now!

**Axel:** I’M ON THE ROOF! And am very doubtful of this optimistic bullshit.

**Roxas:** Shut up, Axel, I know we’ll both be there for Xion no matter what Saïx says. So what to you say, Xion? *holds out hand* Will you come home—

**Xion:** *takes a step back*

**Roxas:** …Okay what the hell did that imposter do to you.

**Xion:** Nothing like what you’re thinking.

**Roxas:** In that case… *goes to grab her arm*

**Xion:** *jerks away again and is about to run off*

**Roxas:** Yeah no. *actually grabs her arm*

**Xion:** *summons her Keyblade*

**Roxas:** …Xion what the hell are you doing.

**One of Axel’s chakrams:** *comes flying out of nowhere*

**Xion:** Crap baskets! *guards against it*

**Chakram:** *bursts into flame and disappears*

**Axel:** HAY GURL!

**Roxas:** Check it, Axel, I found her! She’s not the imposter, you can stop throwing your chakrams now—

**Xion:** *attacks Axel*

**Roxas:** _WHAT THE FUCK?!_

**Axel:** *summons two more chakrams and starts battling her*

**Roxas:** Do I have to separate you two? I’m separating you two.

**Xion:** I’d like to see you try—

**Axel:** *chops her in the back of the neck*

**Xion:** … _OW?!_ *falls unconscious*

**Axel:** *catches her before she hits the ground as her Keyblade disappears* Kablams.

**Roxas:** THE HELL, MAN?!

**Axel:** Look, I don’t think she was gonna come back willingly, all right? *hoists her over his shoulder and disappears down a Dark Corridor*

**Roxas:** …I seem to have lost track of the plot. *eventually takes a Dark Corridor back to the Castle That Never Was* AXEL, YOU SHIT, WHAT DID YOU HAVE TO DO THAT FOR.

**Axel:** Because shut up.

**Roxas:** Can you tell me where she is?

**Axel:** Safe. And no, Saïx isn’t gonna turn her into a Dusk.

**Roxas:** Oh, that’s good. And now onto my next concern: WE COULD’VE TALKED HER DOWN, YOU SHIT, YOU DIDN’T NEED TO HURT HER TO THE POINT OF UNCONSCIOUSNESS! WE’RE BEST FRIENDS; WE WOULD’VE GOTTEN THROUGH TO HER EVENTUALLY, YOU SHIT!

**Axel:** Exactly. So I brought her back, _alive,_ before Saïx gave the kill order to someone else.

**Roxas:** …Oh.

**Axel:** Look, I don’t like what I did either. I’m gonna have to live with myself, and maybe one day Xion might forgive me. But for now, I just made the best I could out of a bad situation, all right? I gotta go.

**Roxas:** I’m still mad at you.

**Axel:** I know. *leaves*

~If shounen anime has taught me anything, it’s that sometimes you have to beat the shit out of your friends.~

_Some Other Way_  
I don’t believe it. Axel attacked Xion. Oh by the way we found Xion and she’s back now, but he still attacked her! After she was about to attack me and when Axel showed up she made the first move—It doesn’t matter! There had to have been some other way. Hence the title of _this_ entry.

I know she’s acting weird, but I hardly recognize Axel these days either. What’s going through their heads? I feel so left out. I wanna have a crazy existential crisis too!

( _Change of Plans_  
Axel failed to report that the imposter and Xion are working together. What a dick. Instead, that news came from Roxas. The boy is far more easily handled than Axel, but now Axel has captured Xion and returned her to us. I have no idea what the fuck he’s doing anymore. Our plans can be altered if necessary, but doing so can only delay their realization. Not sure if I’m talking about Xion or the Organization’s actual goals. Meh, it’s probably a little of column A and a little of column B.)

~Day 299: Sora~

**Axel:** And we’re opening with us apparently. You’re sure this is all according to keikaku?

**Saïx:** For the dozenth time, yes. But seriously, when I ask “Which one would you save” and you could only save one, why is it even a choice? One’s a fucking _puppet._

**Axel:** With a personality and life of her own. You used to love dogs as a human, remember? Most people would ask “Why would you even care, it’s just a dog,” but that dog was special to someone, it meant something to someone, possibly even to you. And while I hate comparing Xion to a dog it’s the only way it’ll make sense to you. I care about her whether you like it or not. I care about her just as much as I care about Roxas. _Which is why the question is fucking difficult for me to answer._

**Saïx:** Okay, let me put it another way, then. Xion’s feelings are manufactured, while Roxas’s are genuine. Do you want a real friendship or a fake one.

**Axel:** …Are you sure you’re still asking about Roxas and Xion?

**Saïx:** …Xemnas is getting impatient with us. Just do your job and don’t worry about anything else, okay, Lea?

**Axel:** …I’m just gonna leave now. *leaves now*

**Roxas:** *in the main room with Xaldin* Why am I talking to you.

**Xaldin:** Because you’re desperate to know how and/or where Xion is. Which I neither know nor care. *walks away*

**Roxas:** What a bag of dicks. Yo, Luxord, have you seen Xion?

**Luxord:** Why, is she back?

**Roxas:** So you haven’t seen her, then?

**Luxord:** You’re like a stupid cat. Except you smell worse. *walks away*

**Roxas:** Yeah, well, eat shit, shit eater. Why do you love the taste of poop so much in your mouth. *goes to talk to Xemnas because fuck* Can I ask you a question?

**Xemnas:** What is it?

**Roxas:** It’s an interrogative statement used to test knowledge, but that’s not important right now. Where Xion at?

**Xemnas:** Resting.

**Roxas:** …Parrot Sketch resting or—?

**Xemnas:** Oh, fuck no, actual resting. She’s kind of been on her feet constantly since she disappeared, and also seems emotionally exhausted as well, which is weird for someone like her but hey. Don’t worry about it, okay? She’s a valued member of the Organization, no matter what Saïx’s beef with her is.

**Roxas:** …Wait a minute.

**Flashback Xemnas:** This was apparently your sixth day of life. How you’re actually walking and talking unassisted is anyone’s guess. *stands up and takes his hood off* Time to start the game properly I guess. *walks past Roxas, putting a hand on his shoulder* SORA.

**Roxas:** Who’s Sora?

**Xemnas:** FUCKING FINALLY.

**Roxas:** …No, who’s Sora, though.

**Xemnas:** A convoluted Gary-Stu of a plot-point character. He, you, and Xion are intricately connected, and Xion wouldn’t be a member without him. But she might not be a member for much longer if you keep dicking around like this. Xion’s gonna get back into the swing of things tomorrow, but in the meantime you have to focus on your own job, got it?

**Roxas:** Fine… *leaves Round Room* Oh, hey Axel.

**Axel:** Hey, Roxas!

**Roxas:** Stiiiill mad.

**Axel:** _Still?!_

**Roxas:** Yeah maybe you shouldn’t’ve chopped that girl in the back of the neck. Maybe there were options other than chopping that girl in the back of the neck that were available to you.

**Axel:** Roxas, after the fact, it's easy to say “We should've done something else.” However, no one knows how things will turn out. And even so, you have to make a choice. You must. Xion’s wellbeing or Xion’s _life_ …I made my choice.

**Roxas:** Stop using logic on me when I’m pissed.

**Axel:** Well at least your ignoring of logic makes more sense than Saïx’s. You’re overly emotional whereas he’s just a dick.

**Roxas:** And we’ll always agree with each other on that, I promise you. *heads to the main room*

**Xigbar:** You taking care of your equipment, kiddo? It’s about time you had a reasonable weapon. Come show me once you have one with four or more units installed.

**Roxas:** You mean this Rage Gear+?

**Xigbar:** Now that’s a weapon. Looks like you’ve been keeping up. Here. *gives Roxas Gold*

**Roxas:** *immediately switches to Hazard Gear to create Darker Than Dark as soon as Xigbar’s not looking*

**Xigbar:** I bet you’re relieved to have Poppet home, eh?

**Roxas:** I really am, actually.

**Xaldin:** To fret so, over something so insignificant…I cannot understand Xemnas.

**Roxas:** Hey how ‘bout you fuck off. *goes to Neverland* I think destroying Shadow Globs is probably the easiest mission available. *destroys Shadow Globs and the occasional Wavecrest for the fuck of it* Oooooh, I actually get to go on the ship this time? And _inside_ the captain’s cabin? Siiiiiiick. I want a pirate ship _so fucking bad._ Aaaaaaaand if that’s all I’m gonna piss off. *RTCs*

~Meanwhile, thousands of miles away…~

**Xemnas:** Do I ever leave this weird throne room type thing besides to monologue at the moon?

**Saïx:** *takes a Dark Corridor directly onto his own chair* Seriously, do you have any idea what you’re even doing anymore when it comes to handling Xion and Roxas?

**Xemnas:** Iunno, Xion’s goin’ nuts, but it’s cool, we can work with this.

**Saïx:** Really?

**Xemnas:** Oh yeah. I know she was just a puppet before, but through long exposure to Roxas, Sora influenced her to actually have a concept of gender identity. I know you never saw that for some reason, and I know that someone who was biologically male while also identifying as male actually creating a female clone was a bit odd, but I figured that his feelings for Kairi was just so damn strong that Xion took Kairi’s shape for the most part, creating a closer resemblance to Kairi than her own damn Nobody, as usual. Also since all three of their memories are so fucked up beyond belief now, I figure if we keep both Roxas and Xion running around, then Sora won’t ever wake up because he’ll essentially have two different Horcruxes and he can’t wake up until his soul is whole again. Or something, I’m trying to have this make sense in my own brain using Harry Potter terminology.

**Saïx:** Okay, sure, whatever, what about the guy pretending to be one of us?

**Xemnas:** Here’s a thought: Don’t fucking send Roxas after him anymore. Same with Xion, frankly.

**Saïx:** So it’s back to the original plan that we refuse to tell the rest of the Organization about?

**Xemnas:** I think Xigbar knows, but other than that, pretty much, yeah.

~Meanwhile, thousands of miles away…~

**Riku:** *is standing on top of a skyscraper in The World That Never Was* This planet looks so fucking awesome if I’m honest with myself…

~Meanwhile, thousands of miles away…~

**Xion:** *is sitting in her bed* Damn it, Riku, just tell me what the fuck to do already, we’ve only got fifty-eight days left in the whole game and we need to move the plot forward already!

~…Shit, we really are almost done with this whole thing…~

_Sora?_  
Xemnas told me that “Sora” is the connection between me and Xion. Because that was so descriptive. Maybe he could have explained who Sora was a little more than not at all.

( _The Value of a Lie_  
Roxas doesn’t trust me after the whole Xion incident, but I can’t tell him the truth yet. So I keep being a lying liar who lies. It’s no big deal when you’re a Nobody. There’s no guilt, no feeling at all. So why does it still sting, just a little, when I lie to him? And why just him, when I lie to Saïx all the time and don’t nearly feel as dead inside? All my dealings with Roxas give me this bizarre illusion of humanity. It’s almost as if Nobodies actually still have hearts or something.)

~Day 300: Shutdown~

**Roxas:** …Wow, _no one_ is here today…

**Saïx:** Roxas, go kill shit in Neverland. Just don’t hit it in its fucking face.

**Roxas:** M’kay. *goes to Neverland* For some reason I am flabbergasted that the ship that I was _just at_ fucking _yesterday_ is right the fuck next to me.

**Captain Hook:** FOUND YOU!

**Roxas:** SHIT—Oh, they’re not talking about me, good.

**Captain Hook:** Friggin’ fairies. At least we don’t have to worry about this one anymore! Though why we don’t just kill her is beyond me…Enh, she’s always good hostage material, I suppose. Smee, we’re going back to the ship.

**Smee:** *fighting with the bag* Would you stop fucking squirming already…Wait, why are we using a burlap sack, why aren’t we using that one glass cage thing or whatever?

**Captain Hook:** Because shut up.

**Roxas:** Oh shit, they got Tinker Bell! And I have no idea how I suddenly know her name! Screw the mission, I’m saving her ass! *Glides over to the ship* …Why the fuck can’t I fly, do I need to use Tink to recharge every time I go on a required mission here, but not an optional one? How does that make any fucking sense whatsoever?! *eavesdrops at the door*

**Captain Hook:** Fuck this fucking piece of shit map!

**Smee:** Come on, Captain, just because it insults you every time you try to activate it—DON’T TEAR IT UP, WHAT THE SHIT ARE YOU DOING?!

**Captain Hook:** That castle got rebuilt, though, so it’s practically useless now anyway.

**Smee:** …But sentimental value, though…

**Captain Hook:** I don’t care, now take us to the next destination.

**Roxas:** I’m hearing voices from inside the ship. I WONDER IF THEY’RE INSIDE THE SHIP.

**Smee:** Oh, we put Tink in the glass cage after all. Neat.

**Captain Hook:** Whoever made all these maps only made one real one that’s hiding the real treasure. And when I find it…I’M GONNA BE KING OF THE PIRATES!

**Smee:** Christ, not this shit again…

**Captain Hook:** And obviously Heartless can be trained as guard dogs! *starts crackling with sexual energy* Imma use them to guard me own treasure once I actually find it! *starts to exit the cabin*

**Smee:** But what’re we gonna do about Tinker Bell?

**Captain Hook:** Eh, she’s basically immortal until someone stops believing in fairies, so all she really has to do is stay put anyway. *leaves with Smee*

**Roxas:** *sneaks into the cabin once they’re gone* Tink! I’m so sorry, just give me a second! *opens the cage so Tinker Bell can fly out* Okay, my obligation to you has obviously been fulfilled now, so I’ll just leave.

**Tinker Bell:** *flies in front of him*

**Roxas:** *ignores TV static flashback* I’m sorry, did you actually want me for something and is it the reason you granted me the ability to fly in the first place?

**Tinker Bell:** *points at map fragment on desk and tries to mime something*

**Roxas:** …Maybe if you wrote it down?

**Tinker Bell:** *gets visibly frustrated*

**Roxas:** Hang on…There’s a spot marked on this tiny area of the map that’s basically useless without the rest of it for context…And everywhere they dug, Heartless popped out…And they used these maps to find places to dig…Where there were Heartless…That the maps lead to…The map like this torn up one that I’m holding…I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO!

**Tinker Bell:** *sighs heavily and throws pixie dust at Roxas in the hopes that he’ll leave*

**Roxas:** Oh, right, thanks. Hey, try not to get kidnapped again while I’m gone, okay?

**Tinker Bell:** *leaves in disgust*

**Roxas:** Okay, glad we had that talk. Now I should really find the rest of the map so I have context and can locate the Heartless more easily. *looks around the cabin, fighting occasional Heartless and keeping any goody-goods he finds for himself, like a true JRPG protagonist* I really like his sword collection…What’s this graffiti that was written down here? “GARY WAS HERE! ASH IS A LOSER!” Huh, weird. *goes outside and sees a stain on the deck of the ship* I hope this isn’t Chris’s blood. Wh-What the fuck’s a piece of the map doing attached to the helm?! *searches until he doesn’t find anything anymore* …I _guess_ I’m done… *goes back outside the ship and looks at the bottom screen of his mind palace* Yep, I’m done. Now to check all the shit until I find the Phantomtail. *checks all the shit and kills all the things until he finds an empty chest* …Okay, why doesn’t this one have any Heartless whatsoever. Wait…Is it that one guy in red? The captain guy? He was crackling with sexual energy earlier…Damn it, now I actually have to hang around them again, this sucks. *flies over to the island they’re on* How do they not see me.

**Smee:** *currently digging* How do we not see that guy.

**Captain Hook:** What guy?

**Smee:** Exactly.

**Captain Hook:** *stares down at map and starts crackling with sexual energy again*

**Phantomtail:** *appears out of nowhere*

**Captain Hook and Smee:** RUN LIKE CHILDREN! *run away*

**Roxas:** PERFECT. *remembers Saïx’s advice from earlier and mainly focuses on bashing it in the tail until it dies* YAY I DID THE THING. Also it was apparently the pirate captain this whole time. Wonder if he has a Devil Fruit ability that allows him to summon monsters whenever he gets impatient or something. Meh, not my business anymore.

**Pete:** …Did I just sneak another map into the captain’s cabin or something, what the fuck just happened.

**Roxas:** I somehow know about that and am going to steal it for a Frost Crystal. *steals it for a Frost Crystal* And now I’m gone. *leaves planet*

**Pete:** …Dude, where the shit is that Heartless, I left it right here. Does someone have a Keyblade and is killin’ ‘em all? Because that would suck a whole lot.

**Roxas:** *has gone up to the clock tower in the meantime*

**Axel and Xion:** *sit on either side of him*

**Roxas:** …

**Axel:** …

**Xion:** …

**Roxas:** …

**Axel:** …

**Xion:** …

**Squall:** Ellipsis.

**Roxas:** …

**Axel:** …

**Xion:** …

**Roxas:** …

**Axel:** …

**Xion:** …Uh, this one time, I saw Demyx just fucking kick a horse.

**Axel:** *bursts out laughing* You can’t kick a horse!

**Xion:** Well yeah, he found that out.

**Axel:** Horses’ll kick the shit outta you!

**Roxas:** Guys, shut up, this is supposed to be awkward quiet time, we’re building a narrative here.

**Axel:** Man, fuck that, I wanna have happy funtime adventures!

**Xion:** Yeah, come on, Roxas!

**Roxas:** *is actually snorting* Don’t make me laugh, I’m pissing!

~I can’t leave it on a downer note! I’m writing a friggin’ _parody_ over here!~

**Naminé:** _Fuuuuuuck…_

**DiZ:** *heavy sigh* What now.

**Naminé:** Everything’s just fucking _stopped._

**DiZ:** ENGLISH, MOTHERFUCKER, DO YOU SPEAK IT?!

**Naminé:** Look, unless we do something right the fuck _now,_ Sora’s never gonna wake up, got it?

**DiZ:** Right, time to murder some teenagers, then!

**Naminé:** …You suck, you know that?

**DiZ:** Whatever, your kind should’ve never existed anyway.

**Naminé:** …If you want me to continue doing all the hard work, maybe you shouldn’t insult me so much. You wouldn’t want me to intentionally make things more difficult for you, now would you.

**DiZ:** Hey, remember how I’m the guy who created Heartless in the first place? I put myself into this predicament and I’m the reason you people don’t exist in the first place as well. I’m just taking my anger at myself out on you because it’s easier for me to—

**Naminé:** Be a massive douchebag?

**DiZ:** Hell yeah.

~Nice to sometimes remember Sora’s busy growing too big for that red jumpsuit while all this shit’s going on.~

_No Words_  
For the first time in a while, the three of us met up on the clock tower. None of us really knew what to say. No one even brought up the disturbing lack of ice creams.

We used to talk each other’s ears off, but I guess those days are gone. Until of course Xion just burst out into something completely random and nearly killed me and Axel through sheer hilarity, it was pretty sweet.

So much has happened lately that I’ve been forgetting to write about those pictures in my head. Now it happens even when I’m not on missions. More often, too.

They even show up in my dreams. Xion told me she has dreams, too. Even though Xemnas told me that Xion and I are connected through Sora, I’m still wondering if there’s a connection between us. I am not smart.

( _Us and the Sunset_  
We watched the sun set today for the first time in forever, the three of us. I didn’t think we’d ever be able to do that again. I hope we’ll get to at least a couple more times before the game is over. It’s like that dream I had — the one where I was by the shore with Roxas and Axel, watching the sun set over the water. I just want to stay with them. But how? What should I do? If I stay then Roxas will be hurt…But if I leave I’ll fucking _die._ Do I wanna live with the guilt or do I wanna let Roxas live a grief-filled yet whole life? Also what about Axel?)

~Day 301: Vacant Place~

**Roxas:** …Hey, Xion. Sorry we didn’t really talk much yesterday. You okay?

**Xion:** I’m fine. I’m…I’m sorry, Roxas. Here, this is for you.

**Roxas:** *Obtained: Shining Crystal*

**Xion:** ELLIPSIS.

**Roxas:** OH COME ON!

**Xaldin:** Are you applying yourself, Roxas? I cannot abide sloth. I’ll judge by your Bonus Gauge for Days 256 to 275. Tell me when you’ve filled it.

**Roxas:** …Well here’s hoping that those weren’t the days when I told Xigbar to go fuck himself—

**Xaldin:** I see you’ve actually filled the Bonus Gauge completely.

**Roxas:** Always the tone of surprise.

**Xaldin:** Hmph…Very well. I’ll reward your diligence with clearance for a new mission. Ask Saïx for the details.

**Roxas:** …This is the shittiest reward system ever.

**Xaldin:** Watch yourself out there.

**Axel:** Hey…Everything going okay?

**Roxas:** Meh. *heads to Neverland for the third day in a row and sees the sick skull cave* Again, why can’t I fly without Tink’s assistance in main story-based missions?! FUCK!

**Tinker Bell:** *flies conveniently up to him*

**Roxas:** How narratively convenient!

**Tinker Bell:** *grants him the ability to fly with no prompting and points in the general direction of the skull cave*

**Roxas:** Righty-ho! *sees Hook and Smee digging again* Still? It’s been…however long I’ve been coming here!

**Captain Hook:** Come on, Smee, this is the last spot we can check! The last ship upgrade _has_ to be here, I don’t want to do any more diving bell missions, I suck at those!

**Smee:** Got it! It’s got a shiny weird skull on the lid and there’s a golden sword buried with it.

**Captain Hook:** FUCKING FINALLY. *starts crackling with sexual energy that gets absorbed by the treasure chest*

**Smee:** …Okay, I’m officially freaked out now.

**Captain Hook:** Why, what’s going on?

**Smee:** …It’s another Heartless.

**Captain Hook:** …Fuck you in your face forever.

**Smee:** …Shall we run for our lives?

**Captain Hook:** Oh yes, let’s.

**Ruler of the Sky:** *is actually a pretty cool and original design consisting of a bird skull holding a treasure chests, four golden swords per wing, and a tail made out of equally golden skulls on a purple body. It’s nice, I especially like that it’s _not a fucking pallet swap for once_ *

**Roxas:** Right, murderin’ time! *summons Keyblade*

**Pete:** Could you not?

**Roxas:** Why not? Also what’re you even doing here?

**Pete:** The Heartless are part of my own private army, and I’ve been _trying_ to cultivate it using a pirate’s greed! Oh well, at least you’ll probably die this time.

**Roxas:** Uh-huh, sure.

**Ruler of the Sky:** *flies around the stage for a while*

**Roxas:** Damn it, how can I hit you if you keep moving?!

**Ruler of the Sky:** *uses TACKLE! It’s super effective!*

**Roxas:** …Despite your cool design I don’t like you so much anymore.

**Ruler of the Sky:** *opens treasure chest mouth and fills Roxas’s guts with…little yellow bolts of light*

**Roxas:** I just noticed that you lost part of your tail. That’s actually a pretty good way of gauging progress.

**Ruler of the Sky:** *shoots blue energy at Roxas and then dives underwater briefly before coming up to use the yellow energy again*

**Roxas:** *whittles his tail down to nothing* I seem to remember me and Xion fighting you in the manga while Axel was off demoralizing Captain Hook to make you weaker. I liked that version better. Mainly because Pan was behind the maps instead of Pete so I could be angry at him instead of the usual mildly annoyed at Pete.

**Ruler of the Sky:** *makes giant spires of ice jut out of the water*

**Roxas:** …Of course you can do that. *starts attacking it in a giant red jewel in its chest while avoiding getting attacked by the sword wings until it dies*

**Ruler of the Sky:** *doesn’t actually die but instead flies off*

**Captain Hook:** Why did it take us this long to get to our ship? Row faster, damn it!

**Smee:** : Sorry, sir!

**Captain Hook:** So I figure shooting cannons at it will at least make it dissipate momentarily before reappearing somewhere else as cannonballs don’t function like Keyblades—

**Ruler of the Sky:** *falls on the Jolly Roger and smashes the masts before disintegrating*

**Captain Hook:** …So that’s why we’re not in subsequent games aside from the prequel.

**Tinker Bell:** *is doubled over in silent laughter*

**Pete:** …Well fuck. I’m outta here. *flees*

**Roxas:** What an extraordinary performance. *goes to Twilight Town and eats ice cream alone*

~Well that was cheerful.~

_My Dream_  
I dream all the time now, but I’m not getting enough REM sleep. I wake up tired every day. I guess that makes them nightmares, not dreams, even though they don’t scare me or anything I don’t think. I don’t think I really know what a nightmare even is.

Xion and Axel don’t come to the clock tower anymore. I thought maybe if I got everything off my chest with them I might stop having the nightmares…but so much for testing that that theory. Which I’m never gonna do anyway when we do start seeing each other again so I don’t know why I’m even writing about this.

( _Xion or Roxas?_  
Xion is burning through missions like whoa. She seems frantic. Why, I don’t know. And I still don’t know what to say to Roxas about everything that’s going on. Even without my orders from Saïx, I’d do anything to stop Roxas from being horribly murdered by our own group. I just don’t know if I can stand by and let that happen to Xion, either.)

~Day 302~

**Roxas:** *immediately heads down to Halloween Town to meet up with Xigbar* YO XIGBAR, WHERE YOU AT? *goes around killing Heartless until he gets to the graveyard*

**Shitton of Shadow Heartless:** *appear*

**Roxas:** *actual dialogue* Oh, yeah, this is fair.

**Xigbar:** WHY IS THE WRITING IN THIS GAME SO GOOD. *demolishes the Shadows*

**Roxas:** I feel like we keep saying that.

**Xigbar:** Hey, it continues to be apt. So what’re you doing here, anyway?

**Roxas:** Saïx didn’t think you could handle this mission alone.

**Xigbar:** …I’m gonna rip those pointy ears right off his fucking head.

**Roxas:** …Don’t you also have pointy—

**Xigbar:** Yes I do and shut up.

**Roxas:** Sir yes sir. *leads him to the bridge* …So the giant Heartless we were looking for is just a bigger Icy Cube? Kind of a let-down. *kills Snowy Crystal easily*

**Xigbar:** …Yeah, that wasn’t it. *shoves Roxas out of the way of the Chill Ripper’s attack*

**Roxas:** …Still just a pallet swapped Zip Slasher with…roughly the same HP for once, so I’m still not that impressed. *helps Xigbar kill it* So next time, you wanna tell me what the actual mission is?

**Xigbar:** And miss out on the look on your face? As if! *laughs* C’mon, let’s head back. *RTCs with Roxas directly*

~Day 303~

**Roxas:** *goes to Beast’s Castle to break jars the Organization has somehow set up in the west wing without anyone noticing* LOGIC! *fights the occasional enemy until every single jar is broken before RTCing immediately*

~Day 304~

**Roxas:** *heads to Wonderland to fight the Emerald Serenade again, this time in the maze* Well at least it’s not a sneaky ninja mission. *RTCs immediately again upon completion* You know, after the challenge that was the Ruler of the Sky, I’m starting to get bored with all these missions and stuff. Boy do I hope something actually exciting and relevant happens soon.

~HEY ROXAS, HOW ‘BOUT YOU SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH SO I DON’T HAVE TO SOB MYSELF TO SLEEP, HUH?~


	23. I Walked. I Could Do Nothing But Walk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Wow, Relatively Less Theft Than Usual This Week:** _PT, Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, Sayounara Zetsubou Sensei, Sherlock,_ Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, _Archer,_ Super Best Friends Play, and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Day 321: Waning Power~

**Riku:** Let the Keyblade decide who it wants to belong to! *holds out his hand* _ACCIO KEYBLADE!_

**Sora:** NO NOT MY METAL CHOCOBO—

**Riku:** *is now holding the Kingdom Key*

**Donald and Goofy:** …The fuck what?

**Sora:** Oh, you only have the Kingdom Key. *snorts*

**Riku:** What?

**Sora:** You have the weakest one. Can you summon my keychains as well?

**Riku:** …Maybe? _Accio Keychains!_

**Nothing:** *happens*

**Sora:** Well isn’t that interesting.

**Riku:** …WHO CARES. This just means that Maleficent was right! Only I have what it takes to save Kairi! You had no chance the whole time! Only the Keyblade master can open the secret door and change the world!

**Sora:** But you haven’t even passed your Mark of Mastery exam yet! You can’t actually be considered a Keyblade _Master_ until you do!

**Riku:** Uh-huh, and who’s gonna earn that title before you do again?

**Sora:** …How’d you even get my Keyblade, anyway? _I’m_ the one who fought for the past fifty-something hours with it!

**Riku:** Hey yeah, thanks for bringing it to me, I unironically appreciate it. But your part in this tale is over. Go back to your home.

**Sora:** I can’t, it exploded.

**Riku:** Oh. Well…Here, you can still marginally fight crap with this. *throws a wooden sword at Sora’s feet*

**Sora:** …Where were you keeping that?

**Riku:** Where’ve you been keeping all the healing items and synthesizing crap?

**Sora:** Touché. *falls to his hands and knees before the sword*

**Riku:** Aw yeah, son! *struts off like a boss*

**Donald:** All right, let’s follow him!

**Goofy:** …Wait, what?

**Donald:** Our mission is to stay with the Key, remember?

**Goofy:** Yeah, I know that’s the mission the King gave us and all, but… *looks down at the for-all-intents-and-purposes defeated Sora* It just doesn’t feel right leaving Sora like this. He said while walking away.

**Donald:** *turns back for a few seconds* Good riddance, you giant prick. *leaves with Goofy*

**Roxas:** *wakes up crying and sits up in bed* I apparently don’t know what tears are. *goes down to the main room* So my eyeballs generated a strange fluid on my sleep, should I be worried?

**Xigbar:** Enh… _Naaaaah._ Don’t bother getting anxious about it, okay, I’m sure it’ll pass. Best thing to do is work said anxiety off…by training! See if you can score 150 plus points in Mission 46. I’ll think of a little treat for you while you’re at it. Tell me when you’re done.

**Roxas:** Is that the kind of mission where I tell you to go fuck yourself?

**Xigbar:** One of ‘em, yeah.

**Roxas:** Then go fuck yourself, I don’t need a Frost Crystal anyway.

**Xigbar:** You’re no fun.

**Xion:** Roxas, are you okay? You don’t look so good…

**Roxas:** Says the girl who’s hunched over and won’t meet my eyes.

**Xion:** You know, you’ll probably feel better if you try a Holo-Mission or a Challenge. It’ll be like nothing’s changed at all, I bet.

**Roxas:** Yeah, weird how that works. So…We have the mission together. You ready to go?

**Xion:** …Sure. *follows him to Agrabah*

**Roxas:** Hang on, I wanna check something. *summons his Keyblade*

**Xion:** ‘Sup?

**Roxas:** Just wanted to make sure I could still do that.

**Xion:** Fuck, you’re getting weaker, aren’t you.

**Roxas:** _Naaaaah,_ just had a weird dream where I couldn’t use my Keyblade last night, it was fine.

**Xion:** If you say so.

**Roxas:** …My level was just cut in half. I might end up hanging back and letting you do the brunt of the work.

**Xion:** Fine by me, I still owe you for picking up the slack from that time I was in that coma anyway. Hey, do you even pay attention to what level you are?

**Roxas:** Not really, I switch my panels around so often that I really only pay attention to my stats anyway.

**Xion:** Same, really.

**Roxas:** *tests himself out against a few Heartless* Well my magic’s still as powerful but my strength is _shiiiiiit._

**Xion:** Yeah, I’m taking point. *still follows _him_ to the Cave of Wonders and down into the secret blue-ish room where they fought Pete together roughly ten million years ago* Pots.

**Roxas:** Indeed, pots. *ignores them all in favor of bashing a giant golden elephant statue for no reason, making four giant purple blocks descend from the sky* …A block puzzle. Spectacular.

**Xion:** Wait, why do we need four if there are only three switches?

**Roxas:** I don’t know and I don’t care. No offense, but I just want this day to be over.

**Xion:** Totally, I get you. *follows him through the gate that just opened* Hey, that wall over there looks like a giant Keyhole, doesn’t it? Man, I am getting the _weirdest_ sense of déjà vu right now…

**Aladdin:** I AM IN DESPAIR. THE FACT THAT THE LOVE OF MY LIFE HAS GONE MISSING FOR LIKE THE SEVENTEENTH TIME HAS LEFT ME IN DESPAIR.

**Sora:** That’s nice, Imma visibly ignore you and close the Keyhole or whatever.

**Keyhole:** *disappears entirely*

**Roxas:** Hey! Only one of us can be sick at a time, you know!

**Xion:** Sorry, TV static in the lower half of my mind palace for a second there… _Wow_ you look like him.

**Roxas:** I’d ask you to clarify if our target didn’t just appear out of nowhere.

**Spiked Crawler:** HEY GAAAAIIIIIS!

**Roxas:** Oh dear. Uhhhhh…I’m just gonna block the whole time, is that okay?

**Xion:** Yeah, sure, I can use you as bait, I got no problem. *kills it in one blow in a cutscene* I FUCKING LOVE LEVEL TRIPLERS, DID YOU SEE THAT SHIT, THAT WAS SO HYPE!

**Roxas:** I can’t hear you, I’m dying inside.

**Xion:** Shit, you okay?

**Roxas:** Apparently not. Is this how you felt before you lost your Keyblade that one time? Like just using it tired you out? Like what you used to enjoy was no longer so enjoyable?

**Xion:** …No, for me, one minute it was there and the next it wasn’t. I really only felt frustrated and weak and started making dumb mistakes because Saïx lectured me that one time so I fucked up, but never really anything like the constant lethargy you’re describing.

**Roxas:** Oh well, time to mask it!

**Xion:** That’s probably not healthy.

**Roxas:** I don’t want you to worry about me, though.

**Xion:** That’s still not healthy, you gotta tell your friends when shit’s that bad.

**Roxas:** Hey, you know what’ll make me feel better? The sugar rush that is ice cream!

**Xion:** I’m down with this! As long as you don’t bring up that guy I mentioned earlier!

**Roxas:** Oh I’ve already forgotten all about it, even though I should probably confront you about him so we can compare notes about our respective flashbacks like we’ve both been trying to for half the game!

**Xion:** Psh, like we’d effectively communicate like that. *follows Roxas ALL THE WAY BACK TO THE DARK CORRIDOR and watches him go through it* Aaaaaaand this is all my fault somehow, I just know it… *follows him to the Twilight Town clock tower* …So I’m still worried.

**Roxas:** Don’t be, me and Axel are supposed to be worried about _you,_ remember? I don’t think I’ve ever given you cause to worry about _me_ before.

**Xion:** …Did you forget you were in a _fucking coma?!_ Did you think I wasn’t worried about you then?!

**Roxas:** Oh yeah, good point. But hey, I’m just glad you’re back with us again, because now Saïx can’t put a kill order on you anymore.

**Xion:** I guess. Hey, when’s Axel gonna show up anyway?

**Roxas:** Don’t know, don’t really care.

**Xion:** Oh for fuck’s sake, _I attacked first, you shit!_ And frankly, I would’ve kept trying to stay away if he hadn’t knocked me out! This is such a stupid thing to be angry with your best friend over!

**Roxas:** You’re my best friend too, though!

**Xion:** Exactly, and _I’m_ the one you should be angry with for staying away for so long and consorting with the supposed enemy, not the guy who brought me back!

**Roxas:** Eh, probably ingrained sexism where I still think you’re weaker than the rest of us despite being far stronger than me today in particular. Also we should probably be interrogating you on the imposter and what you’ve been up to all this time but I’m sure it’s not important.

**Xion:** Indeed it isn’t.

~It’s not like taking the time to talk about plot of the game will make everything easier to handle or anything.~

**Axel:** *whistling the tune of Sanctuary as he walks along a recognizable area from KHII*

**Xion:** Hey, Axel!

**Axel:** Hey, Xion, what’s up?

**Xion:** …Actually, Roxas wasn’t doing too good today. His level was _halfed,_ for fuck’s sake, and he says using the Keyblade actually tires him out these days. And then I somehow stole his moveset I guess.

**Axel:** You’ve been on more missions with Roxas than I have, though, and really I think you’ve had a similar moveset from the start, so of course you’d learn a move or two.

**Xion:** But is that really it, or is it something more sinister and plot-relevant?

**Axel:** Oh you’re just thinking that because you’re a puppet clone type thing that was created solely for leeching Roxas’s powers and making them your own, which means that if Roxas is getting weaker while you’re getting stronger then _boy_ is it working.

**Xion:** That’s it, that’s what I was afraid of!

**Axel:** Seems like you’re going a little overboard, though, not that it’s intentional, I know it never was.

**Xion:** So…any ideas about what I should do next?

**Axel:** Whatever you want. You’re not just some toy, you know. Well maybe to Saïx and Xemnas, but I kinda think they see _all_ of us as their toys anyway. Anyway, I don’t give a shit what you are, you’re Xion and you’re me and Roxas’s best friend. *smiles* Got it memorized?

**Xion:** …You’re gonna make me cry, man.

**Axel:** Which further proves my point.

**Xion:** Oh, been meaning to ask you something. I had this static-filled flashback of a boy who has the same face as Roxas.

**Axel:** …Yeah?

**Xion:** Is he the person I was cloned from? Sora?

**Axel:** …Yeah?

**Xigbar:** *eavesdropping from around a corner* IGNORE ME!

~This can only mean good things.~

_No Energy Left_  
I feel so tired — almost disconnected from by body. The dreams have gotten stronger. Now I wake up with water on my cheeks. I don’t know how it got there, but I think there’s something really wrong with me, I don’t care what Xigbar says. Come to think of it, why did I ask _him?_

Today I was teamed up with Xion. She seems to be in a lot better shape than me. Maybe she got stronger while she was away or something, I never asked. We had ice cream together, something we hadn’t done in a while, and something we didn’t really do today either considering there wasn’t actually any ice cream.

( _My Place_  
Axel’s always helped me out so I just assumed he would again. And he kinda did, while revealing that he already knew what I was. How long has he known about me? Maybe since long before we met in Castle Oblivion. But he told me to think for myself. I was so happy. But now, as I get stronger, Roxas keeps getting weaker.

I shouldn’t exist anymore. They say that Nobodies were never meant to exist anyway, but I’m not even worth not existing. But before I’m gone, I want to help Roxas and Axel. Even just a little. I think the boy I hallucinated today is the same Sora that I’ve been hallucinating all this time.)

~Day 322: The Program~

**Xigbar:** So Xion’s gained enough of Sora’s memories to know what she is and that she’s a clone of him and that she’s leeching Roxas’s powers and stuff. Not sure if this is a setback or not.

**Xemnas:** Eh, kind of. She was never really supposed to gain a personality or look like Kairi. Or Ven or whomever.

**Saïx:** Wait, who is it supposed to look like, I just see a blank face with a hood that can somehow talk despite the lack of mouth.

**Xigbar:** That explains _so much_ …

**Xemnas:** Personal feelings toward Roxas aside, Xion’s better than him so she’s the one we’re gonna keep. Saïx, do the thing!

**Saïx:** Need a few days.

**Xemnas:** Okay.

**Saïx:** What about Roxas, though? Shouldn’t we keep him around as a back-up Keyblade wielder, at least in case Xion decides to fuck off again?

**Xemnas:** Nah, that’d be smart, we’re not gonna do that. Either she’s gonna assimilate him completely or he’s gonna kick her ass and steal all her shit back. Either way, Sora’s still not waking up any time soon, so who even cares.

~Wait, why did Xigbar wait until the next day to tell them any of this?~

**Roxas:** Morning, Xion!

**Xion:** Please be careful, Roxas. Here. This is for you. *gives Roxas Elixir Recipe* Please, Roxas, don’t…Don’t do anything crazy.

**Roxas:** It’s _fine._

**Xigbar:** Ain’t Xion just a peach now? The face of an angel. Just gotta be careful — girls her age have many faces. GEDDIT? ‘CAUSE SHE’S A PUPPET WHO CAN APPEAR AS DIFFERENT PEOPLE TO DIFFERENT PEOPLE? DO YA GEDDIT?!

**Roxas:** I do not, actually. Oh. Hey, Axel.

**Axel:** Hey…Don’t get yourself into trouble.

**Roxas:** YOU’RE NOT MY SUPERVISOR!

**Luxord:** What good is luck if you never stop to enjoy it? You should take a break. Even better, how about a game? The rules are simple. You go and collect every treasure chest in Mission 82, then report back.

**Roxas:** …So to relax, you want me to work even harder.

**Luxord:** My, my…You’ve found them all. Well? Was it a pleasant break? Then I hope you’re ready for the next game. I’ve asked Saïx to clear you for a special mission.

**Roxas:** Aaaaand now you’re giving me more work.

**Luxord:** Passion is a virtue, but no game was won by overeagerness.

**Roxas:** That’s not a word.

**Luxord:** It is now.

**Roxas:** I think I hate you. *goes to Beast’s Castle* How long has Xaldin even been here, anyway. *goes around in the secret area and into the ballroom, and yet the cutscene shows him coming through the main door to the ballroom instead of the balcony thing*

**Belle:** Looks like we’re setting up for KHII already, since Beast is being a dick to everyone. Better go talk to the others before he locks them in the dungeon. *walks off, somehow not noticing Roxas*

**Roxas:** …Xaldin, what the hell have you been doing. *has to backtrack to get a chest on top of the balcony* Well that was annoying and pointless. *checks out the east wing and sees Lumiere and Cogsworth chatting*

**Cogsworth:** So things are going well.

**Lumiere:** Why Cogsworth, I had no idea you even knew what sarcasm was!

**Cogsworth:** Shut your butt, Mrs. Potts spotted someone trying to be a sneaky ninja, but they were the worst sneaky ninja.

**Lumiere:** Why am I always the last to know about these things?

**Cogsworth:** Because you suck, just keep an eye out for a big white guy in a black cloak and black dreads. *leaves with Lumiere*

**Roxas:** And now he doesn’t even care if he’s caught, when he was one of the people warning _me_ about remaining a sneaky ninja. What a dick. *goes into the west wing, checks the dungeon for the fuck of it, and fights the Blitz Spear waiting for him* And to think these guys won’t be around at all in a couple months. Weird how different kinds of Heartless just disappear entirely like that. *kills it and heads for the Beast’s room* Besides this being the only place outside of Belle’s room that I haven’t looked yet, Xaldin _did_ seem to have an unhealthy obsession with the Beast… *peeks in*

**Beast:** *is pacing* I don’t _want_ to believe that Belle would betray me, but I’ve been so insecure about myself for so long. And I love her and want to trust her, but…some kind of mental or emotional block is stopping me from opening myself up to her completely.

**Roxas:** *pulls away from the door* And now Xaldin’s talking to the natives. We’re not supposed to do that apart from all the other times we were told it was okay to do that. He’s probably still here, though, so time to scour the entire castle all over again, I guess. *scours the entire castle all over again, before getting the idea to check the bridge outside and finding Xaldin _waiting beside the Dark Corridor this ENTIRE FUCKING TIME_ * WHAT THE FUCK, YOU PIECE OF SHIT.

**Xaldin:** Oh, hi, Roxas. I didn’t know you were here.

**Roxas:** Saïx thought you were taking too long and sent me to fetch you.

**Xaldin:** Hmph. He really has no faith in any of us, does he.

**Roxas:** I don’t think he knows what that word means. Hell, I’m surprised you do. So what kept you, anyway?

**Xaldin:** Setting up the sequel. Sorry about wasting your time.

**Roxas:** No you’re not.

**Xaldin:** No I’m not. *RTCs*

**Roxas:** *heads to Twilight Town to have ice cream by himself* Well that was a complete waste of time aside from sequel fodder. Nom.

~And now a journal entry that doesn’t have anything to do with anything.~

_Another Dream_  
I had apparently had another dream today. You all saw it, it totally happened. My head feels heavy.

I want to have ice cream with both Xion and Axel again, we haven’t done that at all in weeks. I want to go up to one of them and go, “Feed me, I’m sad.” And then we’d hang out. Don’t know why I haven’t done that yet.

( _The Plan_  
Be they Sora’s Replica or Sora’s Nobody, we merely need a functional Keyblade master. Whether or not they’ve passed the Mark of Mastery exam is apparently unimportant. The puppet has developed to a point where the hero of the Keyblade may be entirely redundant. Indeed, perhaps we ought never allow Sora to awaken. He cannot be controlled and will probably murder us one by one. We must move our agenda ahead with that firmly in mind. Perhaps if he does awaken, we should all rush him at once and not even give him the chance to take us out individually and thus ensuring his victory… _Naaaaaaah._ )

~Day 323: Fleeting~

**Luxord:** *moves to the other side of the room for some reason* Nope, nothing new to say.

**Roxas:** All righty then!

**Xion:** Roxas, try not to…Just…don’t push yourself too hard.

**Roxas:** YOU’RE NOT MY SUPERVISOR! *goes to Olympus with Xigbar and beats up the Scorching Sphere* It’s so weird doing optional missions before required ones…

**Xigbar:** You say something, kiddo?

**Roxas:** Nope. *apparently RTCs directly*

~Day 324~

**Roxas:** YEAH EASY MISSIONS! *goes to Wonderland to collect hearts and also fights a couple bosses like the Nova Shadow and Reptile the Invisiblessed, and eventually goes to Twilight Town to eat ice cream by himself again* Aww, look, I’m sad. You can see it on my sad face.

~Day 325~

**Roxas:** *does emblem collecting in Neverland* Not sure which mission I hate more, sneaky ninja missions or these missions.

**Luxord:** Why did I come with you. Also HOW THE FUCK AM I FLYING RIGHT NOW.

**Roxas:** How are you not aware of this planet’s mythos, I figured _someone_ would’ve reported it by now.

**Luxord:** *looks up at giant flying Heartless* Oh God, what’s up there?

**Roxas:** Bullshit. *doesn’t even bother fighting it, just focuses on emblems* Okay, done, we out.

**Luxord:** …What’s the point of these missions again?

**Roxas:** I was gonna ask you the same thing. *RTCs with him directly*

~Day 326~

**Roxas:** *goes to Halloween Town to kill three Windstorms* Well that was uneventful, if a bit challenging. *goes to a different area and kills an Invisible for the fuck of it before RTCing again*

~HOLY FUCK ONLY SIX MORE DAYS OF SADNESS AND WE’RE DONE.~


	24. Then, I Saw Me, Walking In Front Of Myself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **TFS Gaming Just Started Playing KHI, Check That Shit Out:** _PT,_ Super Best Friends Play, _Harry Potter, Anchorman, Legend of Korra,_ Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Day 352: Sunset~

**Xion:** *sitting in her bed* Never has the phrase “My mere existence is screwing things up for everyone around me” been more apt than it is now. *stares at Kingdom Hearts* Yo, Riku, gimme advice from the other side of the planet, would ya? *flashes back to waking up in his arms* …Well this is gonna encourage some shippers, right here.

**Riku:** Tell me about it. I’m Riku. Sora’s friend.

**Xion:** You look way hotter now than you do in my not-memories—I-I mean, you know Sora?

**Riku:** Yeah, he’s my bestest friendly-friend. *stands up and helps Xion to her own feet* OHMAIGAWD YOU’RE SO TINY.

**Xion:** Hey, how ‘bout you fuck off. Also why’d you save me? If you saved me, I still don’t really understand what just happened.

**Riku:** I’m fickle and I get bored easily.

**Xion:** Huh. Hey, mind telling me about Sora and that girl you two hang out with, the one I look like?

**Riku:** Aww, the pretty music. Oh, and her name’s Kairi. I’m pretty sure Sora’s in love with her.

**Xion:** I remember them very clearly, but I’m not either of them. I’m just a clone someone transplanted memories into. So why do I look like Kairi when I’m Sora’s clone?

**Riku:** Because Kairi was using Sora as kind of a Horcrux for some time before she could reunite with her body again, and also because Sora loves Kairi that much that you became the physical representation of his feelings for her. Maybe. This is all fan conjecture, no one ever really understands what’s going on in this universe.

**Xion:** Where _is_ Sora these days, anyway?

**Riku:** Classified.

**Xion:** Oh come on!

**Riku:** No, I don’t trust you. I trust you so not at all.

**Xion:** …So am I like a Horcrux for Sora as well, since I contain a part of his essence or whatever?

**Riku:** His scattered memories finding their way into you does sound a lot like Voldemort’s fragmented soul finding its way into Harry, doesn’t it.

**Xion:** This convoluted plot development is giving me a headache.

**Riku:** But yeah, that medically induced coma Sora’s in? We induced said coma so we could fix Sora’s memory. Obviously there’s a problem there.

**Xion:** Because I’ve been hogging all the good stuff with Kairi, so he can’t find that trigger he needs to wake up.

**Riku:** Aside from the part where Kairi was actually the first thing he remembered and everything started to come back really easily, but apparently we’ve thrown all that out the window to make the beginning of KHII work for the sake of drama. Oh, and if I take you to Sora right now, we can just transplant his memories back into him, even though it might kill you or at least take away your Keyblade powers which would cause the Organization to kill you for being useless but ignore that part for now.

**Xion:** So how pissed are you that I’ve prevented your bestest friendly-friend from waking up all this time?

**Riku:** Not very, actually, I know you’re an innocent in all this and I’m not into victim-blaming.

**Xion:** …Thanks, but I have my own friends that I want to spend time with.

**Riku:** I get that. *puts his hand on his shoulder* Go spend time with them and think about things for a while, okay? I know it’s a lot to take in, and you really only heard about Sora recently anyway. Sora’s safe for now, and I don’t know who your friends are but if they’re _your_ friends then they’re probably at least halfway decent. I’m giving you time to choose.

**Xion:** And if I choose wrong?

**Riku:** Well, you gotta look at the big picture and choose the path that works for the most people possible. That includes you and your friends, obviously, I’m letting you be a little selfish here, just not completely. *starts to walk away*

**Xion:** …Okay, but can I hang out with you for several weeks and make my friends worried sick about me and basically get a kill order placed on me and endanger you in the process?

**Riku:** I DON’T SEE WHY NOT!

**Xion:** BOO-YAH, LET’S DO THIS! And now I’m done flashbacking. *is holding thalassa shell* Yeah, I’m just gonna spend a couple more days with these guys before I hurt Roxas any more than I already have. *walks out of her room and is already there by the time Roxas turns up*

**Roxas:** Wow, we got everyone but Xaldin and Demyx in here today, huh. Hey, Xion, what up?

**Xion:** Staying as far away from you as possible for reasons.

**Roxas:** Neat. So I was thinking—

**Xion:** See you later, fucker. *walks away*

**Roxas:** …Rude.

**Saïx:** Hey Roxas, how hype are you feeling right now?

**Roxas:** My hype is between 0 and 0.1.

**Saïx:** So what is that, like, infinity hype or what?

**Roxas:** It’s infinity negative hype plus five.

**Saïx:** Excellent. Ignore my evil smirk when I tell you that I have a mission especially designed for you.

**Roxas:** …Is this—

**Saïx:** It’s in Halloween Town.

**Roxas:** It _is,_ hoo boy…We’re really hitting the endgame here, aren’t we.

**Axel:** I don’t think he should take this one.

**Saïx:** You don’t think he can handle it?

**Axel:** …Frankly, no.

**Roxas:** Hey, man, thanks for looking out for me, but I got this.

**Axel:** …Are we friends again?

**Roxas:** That certainly is implied, yes. *walks away*

**Axel:** YEAH, SUCK IT, SAÏX!

**Saïx:** Why can’t you show that much enthusiasm when we plan to murder the only two people in the universe that you care about?

**Axel:** You motherfucker. You are _all_ the dicks.

**Roxas:** Hey, what’s up, Xigbar?

**Xigbar:** He heh. Girls, amirite? Life’s biggest mystery. One thing that IS clear, though, is that no girl wants to be with a guy weaker than she is unless of course she has trust issues and is terrified that she’ll be trapped in an abusive relationship, because fuck women wanting to be on equal footing to men anyway, that’s just silly, you silly. So, nice guy that I am, I’ve got a special exercise for you — bulk you up a little. Go finish off 50 plus enemies with a Final Limit, then come back and check in with me.

**Roxas:** Oh, so many layers of _fuck._ *goes to talk to other people before doing the thing*

**Luxord:** Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. Of course, this isn’t a game that lets a gentleman lose twice…

**Roxas:** What do you mean, I’ve lost plenty of times, it’s called using a Continue or Soft Resetting.

**Axel:** Hey…Watch yourself out there.

**Roxas:** Sure thing. *goes back in time and does some missions in the Holo-Deck so he can fulfill Xigbar’s dumb bullshit*

**Xigbar:** Hey, looks like you’re done. Feel like you’ve mastered those Final Limits? Here’s a treat, kiddo. Put it to good use. *gives Roxas Lightning Crystal*

**Roxas:** …What, no bullshit extra mission? That’s a little break from the norm, isn’t it?

**Xigbar:** Just go with it. And remember, chicks don’t dig weaklings, kiddo, unless they do. Better keep at it.

**Roxas:** Uh-huh, sure. *experiments with weapon panels* So Pandora’s Gear+ makes Omega Weapon+, whereas Omega Gear+ creates Lunar Eclipse+. Because why would the Omega Gear make the Omega Weapon, that’s just silly, you silly. *uses Ultima Gear+ to make Twilight Blaze+ anyway and heads to Halloween Town* Man I hope Xion and I can hang out later today, she looked really upset. Now let’s see…No Heartless in the main plaza, so I guess I’ll have to keep looking. *goes into the graveyard*

**Invisible:** *appears just when Roxas is about to leave*

**Roxas:** …Saïx told me that this mission was made especially for me and my Keyblade. Which collects _hearts._ Which purebloods _do not have._ Sometimes I worry about that man.

**Invisible:** *is actually an Orcus. Whatever*

**Roxas:** Even though I was kicking its ass before, I am suddenly exhausted! Must…strike…final…blow…

**Axel:** *blocks Roxas and Xion’s Keyblades with his chakrams before they can destroy each other* STOP, both of you!

**Player:** …Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. *puts console down and steps back a bit* Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Stupefy. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut. Wut.

**Roxas:** Xion?! How the fuck did you manage to fly that high up?!

**Xion:** Since when can you turn into an Orcus?

**Axel:** Guys, Xemnas and Saïx and I suspect Xigbar wanted you two to murder each other.

**Roxas:** By making us appear to be Heartless when we faced each other?

**Axel:** Yes.

**Roxas:** … _How._

**Axel:** They apparently had “devices,” I have no idea what they were supposed to be or how they worked, but that’s all I got.

**Xion:** *lowers her head* …Feed me, I’m sad.

**Axel:** Done. *drags them both to Twilight Town so they can eat ice cream*

~Axel informed them of the truth surrounding this mission rigged to get them to fight one another. The truth was that the mission had been rigged to get them to fight one another.~

**Xion:** So here’s the deal, here’s the thing I never got, all right? If you see a dude running at you with a chainsaw, right, and you got a gun, why do you raise your chainsaw to fight him instead of just _shooting him in the goddamn face._

**Axel:** I _told_ you, _bravado!_

**Roxas:** Aww, the three of us are all together again!

**Axel:** Hey, remember that time in the manga where we all got WINNER sticks at the same time?

**Xion:** I think that would’ve been my first one, yeah!

**Roxas:** Third for me, I think.

**Axel:** Aww, we didn’t get them in the game. But yeah, if you trade in one, you get a free ice cream, but there are prizes for more of ‘em. Like if you get twenty, you get a Moai tissue dispenser! The tissue comes out of his nose! I only need like four left for that one!

**Roxas and Xion:** …

**Axel:** I know what you’re thinking, “Shut up, Axel.” You shut up, though. Guy telling me to shut up.

**Xion:** Invisible man.

**Axel:** Man I sound insane.

**Roxas:** You sounded a little insane there.

**Axel:** I sound a little nuts.

**Xion:** I was gonna mention something but I was afraid of you going insane.

**Axel:** Oh no!

**Roxas:** I like how in the game you actually have no idea, and I like how I ask even though _in one of the journal entries IN THE GAME_ I totally already know.

**Xion:** LOOK AT THE PRETTY SUNSET.

**Axel:** What about it, it’s the same one every day — Oh, that is kind of nice.

**Roxas:** It’s like they added a couple extra lens flares to make it look even more nicer.

**Xion:** And they even added a little rainbow effect, I like it. Can we make time stop, I wanna make time stop.

**Axel:** Hey, how ‘bout you shut your fucking mouth.

**Xion:** Hey, how ‘bout no.

**Roxas:** I WANNA RUN AWAY TOGETHER WITH YOU TWO.

**Xion:** But we only have the infinite universe with tons of Disney movies and original planets to play in! THERE’S NOWHERE WE CAN GO!

**Roxas:** OH FUCK YOU, YOU’RE PROBABLY TOTALLY RIGHT!

**Axel:** I look more depressed than Xion right now, didn’t think that could happen. But yeah, it’s not so important that we hang out every day. I mean, this day is really only so special because it’s been so long since we did this. Absence really does make the heart grow fonder, and it’s a good way to not get utterly sick of each other, you know?

**Xion:** As long as we think about each other occasionally and never forget each other, right?

**Axel:** Precisely, I’m sure that didn’t make the audience start to bawl at all!

**Xion:** And I’ll especially keep this day memorized for five-ever.

**Roxas:** That’s one more than four-ever!

**Xion:** You got it!

**Roxas:** I will also remember this five-ever!

**Axel:** You guys are such saps, I love you both so fucking much.

**Roxas and Xion:** D’aaaaaww!

~I’M IN A GLASS CASE OF EMOTION!~

**Naminé:** …Well fuck.

**DiZ:** Everything’s completely stopped, then?

**Naminé:** Only for like two more weeks, then we can start KHII finally.

**DiZ:** And if we don’t advance the plot, that’ll never happen. Riku, do the thing!

**Riku:** I don’t wanna.

**DiZ:** I don’t care.

~I love how Riku wants to be a good guy now and the guy who used to be in support of that now wants him to backtrack.~

_Us and the Sunset_  
Me and Xion and Axel had ice cream after Axel stopped me and Xion from quite literally murdering each other, but that’s not important enough to write about. The sunset was beautiful.

I don’t have to write anything else down, because I’ll never forget this day. Except when I forget a third of it and then when I forget it entirely and then when I get assimilated to the point that my Somebody doesn’t remember it either. WHAT A HAPPY UPLIFTING BABBY SERIES FOR BABBIES!

( _What I Must Do_  
Riku gave me this time. Axel told me to spend it thinking for myself. Both of them know that I don’t really know how to do that. The Organization is determined to erase either me or Roxas. Apparently they finally value me over Roxas, but it’s only a matter of time before they don’t like me anymore again for whatever reason. They’ll never allow us to coexist.

I love Roxas and Axel so fucking much. Whether it’s just a friendly love of friendly friendship friends or if it’s the kind of love where I want to fuck one or both of them is up to the shippers. I’m sure that Saïx would scoff at the amount of insane fanficiton that always seems to take place in normal American high schools for some reason which is why iheart doesn’t really read Kingdom Hearts fanfiction anymore. Also he wouldn’t think I’d know how to love or whatever. Call it a trick of my artificial memories. But the time I spent on that clock tower was real.

I wish the three of us could stay together, just like this, forever. Too bad none of us know Stopga.)

~Day 353: Resolve~

**Axel:** Well good morning there, Saïx! And what a lovely night-covered day it is, too!

**Saïx:** Would you stop fucking around with the plot already.

**Axel:** I’m sure I have no idea what you’re talking about.

**Saïx:** The Organization only needs one working Keyblade wielder in our ranks. If we already had one, why would we need another one?

**Axel:** I disagree. Seriously, man, why aren’t we keeping one in reserve? What if one of them gets beaten by a really powerful Heartless, or if there’s another attempted coup and one of them gets taken out? It’d be a good thing to keep both around if that were to happen, wouldn’t it? Why do you think people save their data on multiple devices these days? It’s just in case one of them stops working one day, you know?

**Saïx:** I refuse to see the logic in your statements for some reason. Just think about what you’re doing, okay?

**Axel:** Oh believe me, I am. *heads to the main room* Yo Roxas, me, Xion and Xigbar are going on a mission together, how weird is that?

**Xigbar:** *smirks* What, do you not like me? As if!

**Axel:** Depends on what kind of dick you’re being, really. There’s the dick that you’re like, “Ahh, that guy,” it’s like, “Oh that crazy guy’s doin’ that thing again!” And then there’s the — “Man, he just kicked my dog! What kind of asshole goes around kicking people’s pets?!” If you’re the former, then we’re good, but if you’re the latter…

**Xigbar:** Well I guess that depends on you.

**Axel:** Xion, why do you have your hood up?

**Xion:** I’m kind of in an antisocial mood at the moment.

**Axel:** Okay, that’s your business, I’ll butt out.

**Xion:** Thanks.

**Roxas:** You three have a mission together? That’s…weird…

**Saïx:** You’re to go on your own solo mission.

**Roxas:** Aw, but I wanna hang with mah friendly-friends!

**Saïx:** So you’re so weak that you desperately need Axel or Xion to hold your hand while you fight?

**Roxas:** Nah, their presence is just good motivation for me.

**Saïx:** I apparently still have yet to look up what that even means.

**Roxas:** Xion, why do you have your hood up?

**Xion:** Feel like it.

**Roxas:** Okay, it’s your choice, I’ll butt out.

**Xion:** Thanks.

**Xigbar:** Okey-dokey, let’s get this show on the road! *leads Axel and Xion off-planet*

**Roxas:** Okay, now to equip my LEVEL QUADRUPLER and do the mission. *heads to Twilight Town* So six boss Heartless plus a new annoyance to contend with. Should be fun.

**Poison Plant:** *is the same shit you’ve been fighting all game*

**Gigas Shadow:** *is just a larger Shadow, whatever*

**Stalwart Blade:** *is the same weaker than Zip Slasher pallet swap you’ve also been dealing with all game*

**Powered Armor:** *is really just a blue Guard Armor that keeps dropping its head in order to provide an opening*

**Orcus:** *thankfully isn’t a forcibly disguised Xion again*

**Reptile the Invisiblessed:** *is a reference to when Matt and Pat played Skyrim, if you’ve been wondering*

**Dustlifter:** *is a bonus enemy that’s a flying type with the biggest amount of health I think I’ve seen this game*

**Roxas:** Well that was fucking exhausting. I wonder how Axel and Xion are doing right now. Oh, and Xigbar, I guess.

~LET’S FIND OUT, SHALL WE!~

**Xigbar:** Not sure if I started trying to murder you as soon as we got here or if I pretended to go along with whatever the mission was first.

**Axel:** Actually, I think Xion might’ve attacked you out of nowhere.

**Xigbar:** Ah. *summons gun things* Poppet, I know you’re biologically female, but when I look at you I see Ventus. Who’s male.

**Xion:** *currently looking like Ventus but still with her own voice* Huh, and who does he look like?

**Xigbar:** Like Roxas could be _his_ Nobody, frankly.

**Axel:** …But I thought—

**Xigbar:** Yeah, it’s weird and confusing as hell, isn’t it.

**New players:** …Da fuq?

**Old players:** OH HAI VENTUS!

**Xigbar:** Why ya gotta look at me like that, man?

**Xion:** ‘Cause that’s how I look at people I’m about to take out with one hit.

**Xigbar:** What’re you—Oh, the pain. *passes out*

**Xion:** …Sorry you had to see that, Axel.

**Axel:** You kidding? That was sick as fuck, man! But I gotta ask why, though.

**Xion:** ‘Cause I’m running away again.

**Axel:** No you’re not.

**Xion:** *removes hood*

**Axel:** …Yes you are.

**Xion:** *pulls hood back up* Take care of Roxas for me?

**Axel:** …You’ll die. You know that, right?

**Xion:** Yes, this game is sad, now let’s get on with it!

**Axel:** …All right, get the fuck out.

**Xion:** Thank _you!_ *fucks off*

~Huh, wonder what that was about.~

**Roxas:** *RTCs* Hey guys, what’s going on?

**Saïx:** Axel was just explaining how epically he fucked up, weren’t you, Axel?

**Axel:** Actually, I was going over how badly Xigbar got owned.

**Xigbar:** It’s true, I ain’t even mad.

**Saïx:** Great. Now all we got is _this_ useless piece of trash.

**Roxas:** What’s his problem?

**Saïx:** EPIC POUTING MANEUVER. *walks off*

**Roxas:** So I just noticed Xion’s not with you guys.

**Xigbar:** Because she fucked off. Flamesilocks over there shat his pants over how easily she beat my ass and didn’t even bother trying to stop her himself, because being a coward always wins.

**Axel:** Yep. Everyone loves cowards. They’re hot.

**Roxas:** …I’m confused.

**Xigbar:** Okay, then let me explain again, and I’ll use small words that you’ll be sure to understand, you warthog-faced buffoon. Xion beat my ass and ran away, and Axel was too busy sucking his thumb to stop her. Imma go sleep off this ass-beating now. *leaves*

**Roxas:** …Axel, what the hell’s going on.

**Axel:** Xion left again and I let her go, were you not listening?

**Roxas:** As a matter of fact, I was…Do you really suck your thumb?

**Axel:** …The gloves have helped, but it still sometimes slips in when I’m asleep.

**Roxas:** Huh.

**Axel:** …Look, man—

**Roxas:** It’s cool, I’m not judging.

**Axel:** …Thanks.

**Roxas:** What I _am_ judging you on is you letting Xion go. I wanna know why and I wanna know now.

**Axel:** Because she’s a clone created specifically to sap your powers and claim them as her own. That’s why Xigbar calls her “Poppet,” because she’s meant to be a puppet that dances to the tune of Xemnas’s and Saïx’s strings, since in the long run they figured she’d be easier to control than you would be. That’s why they wanted you to destroy each other, or more accurately have her destroy you, and that’s why you’ve felt so off your game lately; it’s because Xion’s nearly sapped all of your power by this point. Trust me, I’ve seen the results.

**Roxas:** XION’S A PERSON, YOU SHIT! I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU OF ALL PEOPLE—

**Axel:** I know she’s a person! But she’s not a Nobody. Her face is changing. Her body is still biologically female, but her face was no longer the short-black-haired girl’s face we’ve come to love. It was a boy’s face.

**Roxas:** I don’t care what she looks like! She’s one of my best friends and I’ll support her no matter what happens to her!

**Axel:** Same here! I’m supporting her by letting her go and letting her figure things out before Saïx makes the two of you destroy each other again! But the fact of the matter is…

**Roxas:** They want to destroy _her_ now?

**Axel:** And I want them to as well.

**Roxas:** …What?

**Axel:** If she fully develops, she’ll sap all your power to the point where you’ll be killed in her place, and she’ll turn into someone else entirely, someone who really won’t be Xion anymore. I loathe it, but I’d rather lose one friend than both.

**Roxas:** …And yet you’ve lost both after all. *runs off*

**Axel:** …And here’s where the inescapable sad shit starts, huh…

~This is already starting to hurt my feels organ. Whichever one that is.~

**Xion:** *takes a Dark Corridor to Beast’s Castle* Oh, hey Riku.

**Riku:** Soooo? How are things?

**Xion:** Not great. Roxas is slowly dying thanks to me and I don’t think Axel would ever forgive me if I let that happen, not that I’d care at that point because I’d be someone else by then anyway. So…thoughts?

**Riku:** Go to Twilight Town, to the old mansion. There’s a girl there named Naminé.

**Xion:** How will I know when I’ve found her?

**Riku:** She has slightly longer blonde hair and wears all white, but otherwise she looks exactly fucking like you.

**Xion:** Sounds simple enough. I’ll just go do that then I guess.

**Riku:** M’kay.

~I don’t think there’s much more here than the bad feeling in my soul.~

_Broken Trust_  
Axel let Xion leave the Organization. Like he wanted her to go. Like it was safer for everyone in the long run, even her. For some reason I’m doubting this.

She’s a puppet? A clone that saps all my strength? He’s just saying that because the more I hang around Xion, the weaker I feel. Like that actually means anything. I can’t trust him anymore.

( _A Future That Never Was_  
I couldn’t tell Xion she was wrong to leave, and I can’t bring myself to end her. But it’s either that, or I have to kill Roxas while I watch Xion become someone else. We’re never gonna sit around and have ice cream again unless the end of Kingdom Hearts III is truly spectacular and miraculous. I know Roxas will never understand. I don’t what to acknowledge it myself. And that’s why I’m the person that stands before you today, just dead, just all dead, up in here, in my soul.)


	25. The Only Me Is Me. Are You Sure The Only You Is You?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I started playing Unchained X a few days ago, already taking notes on it, parody should be super weird esp. since I'm writing it at the same time as finishing this and working through KHII, we'll see what happens.
> 
> **Also I Don't Own This Shit I Guess:** _PT, Firefly, Legend of Korra,_ A Very Potter Sequel, _Harry Potter,_ Super Best Friends Play, Atop the Fourth Wall, Twisted: The Untold Story of a Royal Vizier, _Les Miserables, Monty Python's Life of Brian,_ Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Movie, _Dragon Ball Z,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Day 354: Truth~

**Xaldin:** Round room time again, eh?

**Saïx:** Indeed.

**Demyx:** Holy fuck, when was the last time I was in the game?!

**Roxas:** Happy to have you back I guess maybe I don’t know I don’t much care.

**Luxord:** What’s with him?

**Axel:** I have a feeling you’re about to find out…

**Xigbar:** You just say that because we’re all about to find out!

**Xemnas:** So Xion fucked off again—

**Luxord:** Ah.

**Xaldin:** Where she at?

**Xemnas:** It has no concept of gender.

**Roxas and Axel:** Yes she does.

**Xemnas:** She’s still just a puppet though. Or clone or replica or whichever term you prefer.

**Luxord:** …Wait, what.

**Saïx:** Did you not hear or did you not understand.

**Luxord:** He understands, he doesn’t comprehend.

**Xigbar:** Did everyone forget Vexen’s Replica Program?

**Demyx:** I was never let in on that, so yes, I guess.

**Xaldin:** Nor was I, please explain further.

**Xemnas:** Okay, so we took the Keyblade wielder’s memory and transplanted it into this clone we created — one we did in fact give an hourglass figure to for some reason so it is biologically female even if we’re being dicks about it — and we did that so we could have his powers and shit. We were working on this on the side while we tried to sway the actual Keyblade wielder to our side while both he and our members were actually at Castle Oblivion, but we set this up just in case it didn’t work. Which it didn’t. Also I’m still looking for a room in that place that has a comatose body that looks eerily like Roxas inside it but that’s not important right now. Unfortunately, once Vexen got killeded we had to improvise. We did _not_ want him dead, Axel.

**Axel:** Hey, I still had to hold onto Marluxia’s trust at that point, what do you want from me.

**Xemnas:** …Okay, fair enough. But then Xion started to develop a mind, feelings, and a gender identity of its own, one that I will continue to refuse to acknowledge for I am a villain.

**Roxas:** Well at least you finally admit it.

**Saïx:** The replica we tested in Castle Oblivion didn’t form its own identity like this, did it, Axel?

**Axel:** …There was a lot of shit going down in that castle. That part of the plot keeps slipping my mind for some reason, I’m not even kidding.

**Saïx:** So you of all people didn’t have it memorized?

**Axel:** Do you have any idea how fucking challenging that fucking card system is?!

**Saïx:** And yet I’m told that once you get used to it it’s not that challenging at all.

**Axel:** For some people maybe, but I prefer the panel system from this game.

**Xemnas:** Whatever, Xion fucked off, it won’t want to mess with us again so we don’t have to worry about it anymore in any case.

**Roxas:** …I kinda disagree with that…

**Xemnas:** And yet it knows everything about us so we should probably get it back and lock it up or something so it doesn’t rat us out to anyone it might try to befriend or whatever—FUCK IT’S IN CAHOOTS WITH THAT IMPOSTER HOW DO WE KEEP FORGETTING WE HAVE TO GET IT BACK.

**Roxas:** I cannot believe you don’t remember that in the actual game.

**Xemnas:** Axel, do the thing!

**Axel:** I don’t wanna.

**Xemnas:** I don’t care. Also I don’t really care what shape she’s returned in. Alive would be nice, though…

**Axel:** You just referred to her by female pronouns! Good for you!

**Xemnas:** Well _someone’s_ gotta be less hated than Saïx!

**Xaldin:** Usually it would fall to me to be _more_ hated, and yet I’m using female pronouns as well. Even though I think we should just kill her.

**Saïx:** Please, it’s not like it actually betrayed us or anything. There’s no possible way it could have developed that far. Think of it as a rat that has escaped the maze and must be lured back to the lab.

**Xemnas:** Seriously, Axel, your fuck up, your fix.

**Axel:** I’m not even going to dignify that with a response other than this one showing my distaste for everything that’s going on right now.

**Xemnas:** That’s nice, now all of you go fuck off the edge of my dick. Disapparate!

**Organization XIII:** Ah, magic!

**Xaldin:** But no seriously, why are we bringing her back alive, she’s just gonna keep doing this, this is like the third time now, I say we kill her and move on with our lives. *also Disapparates*

**Demyx:** I, uh, I need to let this sink in a little more… *also also Disapparates*

**Xigbar:** As if we could pretend this whole thing never happened, that would just be laughable! Not to mention implausible, how could we forget anything that happened over the last year? WINK! _WINK!_ *also also also Disapparates*

**Luxord:** Why don’t the higher-ups ever tell us anything sooner… *also also also also Disapparates*

**Saïx:** Axel, you are going to do the thing.

**Axel:** I’m not talking to you. *also also also also also Disapparates*

**Saïx:** Roxas, why are you still here, you need to do your mission.

**Roxas:** Which I can’t do until you delegate to me where I’m going and what I’m doing, and you need to be in the main room for that to happen. Also I protest you continuously calling Xion a puppet; it’s not like any of us are real people either, so why do you have to pick on _her_ so much?

**Saïx:** Because it is still something for me to look down upon and feel superior to.

**Roxas:** And you couldn’t get enough of that with Demyx like the rest of us?!

**Saïx:** Know our organization’s name and count the chairs in this room. Organization XIII. If you can’t read Roman numerals that means thirteen. Also there are only thirteen chairs. There can only be thirteen of us, always and forever.

**Roxas:** I _know_ our group’s name and I _have_ counted the chairs. I’ve also counted how many members we have left. Why aren’t you simply replacing one of the ones we lost with Xion? Or anyone else for that matter? In case you haven’t noticed, we haven’t been thirteen in a while. Hell, we weren’t even thirteen before I joined up, so that statement is entirely false in almost every possible way.

**Saïx:** Shut up. Shut up, Roxas. I’m super smart. You’re not super smart. That’s how the gimmick works. Now shut up, though.

**Roxas:** *rolls his eyes and goes into the main room where Axel’s just about to go down into a Dark Corridor* Axel!

**Axel:** Yo?

**Roxas:** …So I think you were right about letting Xion go. It’s not a healthy solution, but we’re not in a healthy world right now. So please don’t do the thing.

**Axel:** However low they’ll be on members, they’ll make sure to keep those that remain in line by example. They’ll kill me next if I don’t comply.

**Roxas:** …Well I don’t want either of you dead, so can you at least go easy on her if you can? I think we can both agree that she’s going through enough shit as it is.

**Axel:** It may be unavoidable if she decides to fight back. Roxas, answer me something. How are you feeling these days? The truth.

**Roxas:** …Could be better. It’s like my head’s in a constant fog and I get lethargic really easily. It’s hard for me to get out of bed. Really, I though it was just the lack of contact with you two and the way the Organization’s been treating the three of us that took a mental and emotional toll on me.

**Axel:** If you were human I’d agree with you, but we both know that’s Xion’s leeching ability.

**Roxas:** So how long have you known all this stuff anyway?

**Axel:** Around Day two hundred twenty-something, so roughly an entire third of both of your lifespans.

**Roxas:** …I know it’s not really the type of thing to slip into conversation and it is mostly her business, but if she was gonna steal my strength or become a danger to me or whatever don’t you think I deserved to know?

**Axel:** I wanted to hold onto the illusion that the three of us could always be friends as much as she did, all right?! *walks through the Dark Corridor in a huff*

**Roxas:** …That was actually a pretty reasonable explanation.

**Luxord:** It’s tough being at the bottom of the food chain. But what’s chess without pawns? Take this, Roxas. I hope it helps you play your role. *gives Roxas Rune Tech++*

**Roxas:** …Thanks. Like I don’t already have 500 of these.

**Luxord:** I just hope luck sees fit to allow us both to carry on with our roles.

**Demyx:** I never would’ve guessed about Xion…That’s some puppet!

**Roxas:** Yeah, it’s almost as if we’re as not-real as she is!

**Demyx:** Oh fuck you, you’re probably totally right!

**Xaldin:** Roxas, I wish to know what one might synthesize by combining Adamantite and a Combo Tech+. I’ll supply the Adamantite. You find the Combo Tech+ on your own.

**Roxas:** Oh yeah? And are you also gonna supply the munny it takes to synthesize these things?

**Xaldin:** Fetch the result here when you’re done.

**Roxas:** ADAMANTIUM RAGE! *checks inventory* Damn, I don’t have a Combo Tech+…You know what? Fuck it. I don’t even need a Dodge Combo. And all he’ll probably give me is some stupid crystal that I probably already have ten of anyway, as there is absolutely no time left for bonus missions of any kind considering we’re in the end game right now. Fuck this, Imma go back to worrying about Xion.

**Saïx:** Take this thing and put it in the tiger head cave.

**Roxas:** Why.

**Saïx:** Do not question, just do.

**Roxas:** Fine, can you at least put the Dark Corridor inside the tiger head cave?

**Saïx:** It’s just outside it.

**Roxas:** Fair enough. *goes to Agrabah* Why am I never in control of my own Dark Corridors when I clearly know how to make them. *goes into the tiger head cave, defeats a shitton of Heartless, and goes into the appropriate area* Okay, now to place this thing.

**Device thing:** *is a giant floaty spinny thing that’s bigger than Roxas*

**Roxas (I ALMOST TYPED VENTUS JUST NOW WHAT THE FUCK):** …Did I just have this jammed up my ass the entire way here or what?

**Heartless:** *appear*

**Roxas:** Even though Heartless always appear for no reason all the time because they’re attracted to the Keyblade or whatever, I’m convinced that this time they’re after whatever the fuck this is! *kills all the Heartless* …Wait, why did I even protect it, it’s not like I care what the Organization wants with it anyway. Aside from a constant fear of my own termination if I don’t follow orders, why do I keep going along with a group that doesn’t tell me anything anyway? *is about to RTC* …Why do I even want to RTC? Aside from the fact that Axel will probably still be looking for Xion and thus no one will be at the clock tower, and the part where I really don’t have another bed to sleep in…But is a roof over my head really worth all this constant bullshit? *looks up at the stars and starts singing*  
 _Who am I?_  
 _Can I conceal myself forevermore?_  
 _Pretend I’m not the man I was before?_  
 _And must my name until I die_  
 _Be no more than an alibi?_  
 _Must I lie?_  
 _How can I ever face my fellow men?_  
 _How can I ever face myself again?_  
*trails off, realizing the rest of the lyrics don’t really apply* And now I want to sing one of the songs from Hercules about finding a place where I belong, or at least something about being with the people who care about you. And now I’m crying. *pulls his hood up and goes through the Dark Corridor*

~And now for something completely different.~

**Mickey:** *is ambling through the woods in Twilight Town when he comes across a man in an Organization XIII cloak with a build that looks suspiciously like Xemnas’s*

**Cloaked guy:** *removes hood*

**Mickey:** *does a sick Yoda backflip and summons Keyblade*

**Xehanort’s Heartless/Ansem from the first game:** Aww, why you gotta be like that. *blindfolds himself and turns into Riku*

**Mickey:** …That happened.

**Riku:** Yep.

**Mickey:** So concealing your piercing aquamarine eyes is the only way to hold onto your hotness now?

**Riku:** Looks like.

**Mickey:** Well that sucks. Good to see you’re okay, though, I’ve been worried sick. Where’ve you been all game?

**Riku:** I was gonna ask you the same question, but I’ve been trying to find a way to walk around without the blindfold so I don’t have to keep looking like Ansem. Xehanort’s Heartless. Whatever. Not much else to do while we wait for Sora to wake up, after all.

**Mickey:** You did look less gorgeous than usual.

**Riku:** I know, but don’t worry, I’m working on it.

**Mickey:** How _is_ Sora, anyway? He getting all his memories back yet? It’s been nearly a year.

**Riku:** Apparently the Organization’s been pretty quiet since the end of Chain of Memories, and not just because we killed several of their members. In addition to severely modifying Sora’s memory, they were also trying to make it so it couldn’t be fixed, and that’s been slowing us down significantly. I can make it right again, but it’s not going to be pleasant for the innocents I’ll have to involve.

**Mickey:** I don’t get it; I didn’t find shit when I was investigating the Organization.

**Riku:** Because they were trying to stall us. They’ve been taking what they could of Sora’s memory, and it seems now they finally have enough of it to use for their own purposes. They’ve managed to store the memories of Kairi into a physical being that looks eerily like her, despite Sora getting those back first at the end of Chain of Memories and some bullshit that game kept spouting about memories never leaving the heart or whatever. But they’re out now and he’s forgotten them again and now they’re in her and we need them back.

**Mickey:** Can _I_ help murder anyone for you?

**Riku:** No, I’ve got it covered, Mickey, you just keep doing whatever it was you were doing offscreen to begin with. Oh, one thing though.

**Mickey:** ‘Sup?

**Riku:** I gotta fight Sora’s Nobody in the climactic battle that was advertised at the end of Kingdom Hearts I if you did enough shit that everyone thought was for KHII. I’ll probably die, and if not, I’ll look permanently like Xehanort’s Heartless until some bullshit deus ex machina crap at the end of KHII. And since I don’t want Sora to see me like that, you’ll have to show Sora, Donald, and Goofy where the train to Yen Sid’s place is when they wake up and then disappear until halfway through the game and then again until nearly the end of it. You have to sporadically be there for them so they can get bonus exposition when the plot demands it, and very occasionally take over for Sora if he dies against certain enemies, usually Xaldin.

**Mickey:** Sure, sounds easy enough.

**Riku:** Cool.

~I LEGIT FORGOT MICKEY MOUSE WAS A CHARACTER IN THESE GAMES FOR A MINUTE.~

_Who Am I?_  
I don’t understand the Organization, I don’t understand Axel…I understand myself least of all. Why do I keep coming back to the castle? Seriously, why the fuck do I keep coming back here?

Me and Xion are special, connected by “Sora.” If she’s a puppet, maybe I am too. I’ll worry about this tomorrow in monologue format.

I don’t know what I am. I even sang a song to that effect. Felt kinda good, I think I like singing. Never realized that about myself before.

( _Where I Belong_  
I wanted to see Roxas one more time, but couldn’t. What would I say? Did I ever really exist? Wouldn’t I be questioning that if I was a real Nobody who also didn’t exist? What the hell’s the difference between two different types of people who don’t exist one way or the other?! I just hope that those times we spent watching the sun set were real. I know Naminé will tell me how to get back where I belong. I should hurry to see her. What the hell is taking me so long.)

~Day 355: Unsaid, Unheard~

**Roxas:** Aaaaaand I went back to my old room after all. I guess I just needed the comfort of my own bed at least one more time or something while I mentally recap everything I just learned over the last couple days while also questioning whether or not I myself am also a puppet. Also I’m remembering what Xemnas said about Sora, and wondering who he is in connection to me. And now I’m mistrusting Axel even more because who knows what he’s hiding about me now? *gets out of bed* I’d probably be a delusional paranoid idiot if I didn’t have logical foundations for worrying about all this crap. *goes down to the main room* Wow, even Saïx isn’t here, that’s rare. No one’s in here but The Moogle That Never Was…and Axel. Should I go talk to him? THERE MAY BE NO TURNING BACK. WHICH IS PROBABLY FUCKING CODE FOR THIS IS THE END OF THE GAME SO EQUIP SHIT, LEVEL UP, AND SAVE NOW BECAUSE YOU’RE FUCKED FROM THIS POINT ON. Always helpful when video games have that spelled out for you. Anyway, ‘sup, Axel?

**Axel:** Not much, ‘sup with you?

**Roxas:** Same. Find Xion yet?

**Axel:** Nope!

**Roxas:** Good. So I know I already asked this, but—

**Axel:** Yes I’ve known about Xion for a while, no I don’t remember when. _She_ only found out around Day 255, and I knew maybe for a couple weeks before that, I don’t have the exact Day memorized, and a bigger deal was made when she found out than when I did anyway.

**Roxas:** How could you not have it memorized?!

**Axel:** Hey, how ‘bout you fuck off.

**Roxas:** How shall I fuck off, O Lord? Wait, don’t answer that, I have to tell you about my own existential crisis. I was told I was a Nobody, but so was Xion, and the Organization values her more than me by this point anyway.

**Axel:** I hate it when you’re right.

**Roxas:** And so do you, am I still right?

**Axel:** Wha—No! You’re my best friend and I’m practically choosing you over Xion right now!

**Roxas:** But friends are supposed to tell each other the truth, aren’t they? I may not know much about friendship, but I know that much! Who am I, Axel?! Who’s Sora and how does he connect to me and Xion?! Seriously, who the fuck is Sora?! Am I also a clone of his?!

**Axel:** Fuck, how fucking easy would it be to just straight-up tell you that you’re Sora’s Nobody and that’s how you can use the Keyblade.

**Roxas:** Exactly, why aren’t you—

**Axel:** Because I’m still trying to protect whatever innocent naïveté you have left!

**Roxas:** But I have a basic right to know how I was created, don’t I?

**Axel:** I’m not disagreeing with you on any of this, you do realize that, don’t you?!

**Roxas:** THEN WHY AREN’T YOU TELLING ME SHIT?!

**Axel:** _**I! DON’T! KNOW!**_

**Roxas:** Then I can’t trust you anymore. *turns to leave and starts to walk away* I’m flat-out telling you that I’m leaving to go get some answers. You can call me back so easily and explain what is actually a very simple answer, or you can let me go.

**Axel:** Apparently I’m choosing to let you go. Because I’m suddenly the stupidest motherfucker in the entire series, including Donald.

**Roxas:** Okay, don’t be _that_ hard on yourself. *goes up to his room and grabs his WINNER stick, or however many he has by that point in the manga version* Okay, off to find some answers! WHEEEEEEEE~! *suddenly is going through the actual Castle That Never Was from KHII* Wait, why are there chests and badges and things, why is this being treated like your average mission and why are there Dusks everywhere, Saïx can’t know about me leaving just yet, what the frig. Wait, why are _Samurais_ fighting me now, I thought I controlled those — _Riiiiight,_ that shit got cut for time. Pity, that would’ve been neat to go over. Oh well. YO SAÏX, WUT UP.

**Saïx:** You’re not leaving, that’s what’s up.

**Roxas:** Try me.

**Saïx:** Okay. *summons claymore*

**Roxas:** *has maybe a _little_ too much fun beating his ass to a pulp*

**Saïx:** *doubles over, panting* Dammit, Kingdom Hearts, I wanna be a real boy again, why you not ready yet.

**Roxas:** I think the more important question is why I’m not straight-up murdering you right now, since it would make so many things a million times easier for my Somebody one game from now. *goes out into the city in a scene that looks very familiar for those who’ve already played KHII who are thrilled to see it finally be given context*

**Axel:** *is leaning against the wall like a badass* So you’re really fucking off, huh?

**Roxas:** Well considering you’re refusing to tell me why I can use the Keyblade for absolutely no real reason, since you had no trouble telling me about Xion—

**Axel:** *pushes himself forward* THE ORGANIZATION WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND KILL YOU. HOW ARE YOU NOT GETTING THIS.

**Roxas:** So? It’s not like I have friends anymore anyway. *walks off*

**Axel:** …You’ll always be my best friend, whether you acknowledge it or not, you dumbfuck.

**Roxas:** I’m not listening, la la la la la. Is somebody talking, because I can’t hear them, la la la la la.

~Can’t wait to copy and paste this section into the KHII parody repeatedly!~

_I Am_  
I have to know who I am…And since Axel won’t tell me for some stupid reason…

 

FUCK THIS, I’M OUT.

( _Mind_  
The gears of Xemnas’ plans have begun to spin wild since the loss of half our membership at Castle Oblivion. Maybe we shouldn’t have killed everyone who was stuck there. Also maybe we should’ve looked for more members to fill the ranks in the meantime. Shit’s happening slightly according to schedule, but can this state of affairs fairly be called a success? If Kingdom Hearts can be said to possess a mind of its own, which I didn’t know until I wrote about it just now, it is surely rejecting Xemnas — no, rejecting Xehanort. Roxas beat my ass within an inch of my life and fucked off entirely today. At least he didn’t finish me off for some reason.)

~Day 356: Place To Belong~

**White curtains:** WE ARE FLUTTERING!

**Xion:** Why did it take me two days to get here?

**Naminé:** This place _is_ kind of hard to find, I guess.

**Xion:** *takes her hood off* WE REALLY DO HAVE THE SAME FACE HOLY SHIT. *sits down on the other side of the table* Naminé? Why do you like the color white so much?

**Naminé:** I think I’m supposed to fit the whole purity angle or whatever. Or this room was this lack of color when we found it, Iunno.

**Xion:** Neat. Also who do I look like to you right now?

**Naminé:** Me/Kairi with shorter black hair.

**Xion:** Okay. Order me around.

**Naminé:** After I hear your life goals.

**Xion:** *stares at drawing of herself, Roxas, and Axel that Naminé hung on the wall* That’s messed up, I’m Roxas’s height and Axel’s way taller.

**Naminé:** I know that, we all know that, what about a bit of artistic license?

**Xion:** Whatever, I wanted to hang out with Axel and Roxas for five-ever, since it’s one more than four-ever, but then I realized that I was hurting Roxas with my clone-ness so that’s out.

**Naminé:** You’re not precisely a clone, or you’d be an exact copy of either Sora or Roxas, neither of whom identifies as female. You’re Kairi as Sora remembers her.

**Xion:** No I’m not, she has dark red hair.

**Naminé:** Hey, hey, hey. Shut the fuck up.

**Xion:** But yeah, I’m getting more and more flashbacks of Sora’s life, and the longer that goes on the stronger the need to fuse with him becomes. Do I have to learn the Fusion Dance, or…?

**Naminé:** Unfortunately not, he’d have to be awake for that. So you’ve decided to do the thing, then?

**Xion:** It’s the only way to ensure that the sequel that already exist actually happens, isn’t it? This entire game is one long, depressing Forgone Conclusion.

**Naminé:** But you’ll disappear, though.

**Xion:** I know, and I’ve come to terms with my death.

**Naminé:** That’s not really what I mean. The way that amnesia works in this universe is that apparently whenever someone who has it dies, everyone who ever met them forgets them as well. Which is why Axel can still remember Riku Replica long after his own death even though he’s just like you. Shut up, it totally makes sense, trust me.

**Xion:** But you apparently have infinite vague powers over people’s memories, though!

**Naminé:** Exactly, they’re vague as shit, meaning that I can arbitrarily decide whether or not I can do something. And evidently I can’t let anyone remember you for maximum sadness.

**Xion:** …This just got a whole lot harder. Still gonna go through with it, though. And I know that I probably should’ve dragged Roxas with me, but we have to make the tutorial in KHII happen somehow, considering it’s everyone’s favorite part about replaying that game!

**Naminé:** It’s been nearly a year and he’s a week older than you, and yet you’ve come to know all of the things while he knows nothing. Perhaps if you two had talked about your various flashbacks or if Axel had told him a goddamn thing—

**Xion:** Hey, would you mind looking after Roxas when I’m gone?

**Naminé:** Well I have to if I’m gonna get him to return to Sora anyway, so I can feel comfortable making this promise I’m not gonna remember making.

**Xion:** I asked Axel as well, but he’s kind of been a little flaky lately. Unfortunately I can’t really help him or Roxas myself anymore. Which _suuuuucks._

**Naminé:** Y’all ready to see Sora?

**Xion:** …I—

**DiZ:** *enters through a Dark Corridor* Yeah so we’re under attack and stuff. I blame the puppet and I’m proving right now that I’m just as bad as Saïx at this kind of shit.

**Xion:** Okay, first of all, fuck you, and second of all, how ‘bout I go kick their ass for you? I’ve proven myself against Xigbar and I can handle whoever they’ve sent this time!

**Naminé:** Well if you get destroyed, either way it’ll go back into either Sora or Roxas anyway, so…

**Xion:** *heads outside* …There’s no one even here right now, what the hell.

**Axel:** *appears in a Dark Corridor* HELLO!

**Xion:** Oh, hey!

**Axel:** …I don’t wanna.

**Xion:** But you gotta, I know, and I’m gonna fight ya.

**Axel:** What do _you_ want to do?

**Xion:** To fuse with Sora.

**Axel:** …Logically, I always knew that was the best course of action, for both you and Roxas.

**Xion:** Exactly!

**Axel:** Except for the part where I’ve formed just as strong an attachment to you as I have to Roxas. Shippers can do what they want to with that tidbit, but it will never stop me caring about both of you. You’re my best friend, Xion! How do you know this is the right decision?!

**Xion:** Because either I die for Roxas or Roxas dies while I become someone else, thereby technically dying anyway! This way at least you get to keep Roxas!

**Axel:** But I still don’t want _you_ to fucking die!

**Xion:** Tough. *summons Keyblade* Now you better not hold back, because I sure as hell won’t.

**Axel:** …I’m getting really upset over here!

**Xion:** I can tell.

**Axel:** I’m sorry I have emotions unlike you, you piece of shit!

**Xion:** Yeah, I get sad at movies and things…

**Axel:** I get sad at everything.

**Xion:** Yeah, you do.

**Axel:** I’m a big emotional baby.

**Xion:** It’s one of the joys of being a woman.

**Axel:** Ah, my vagina’s so sad right now. *summons chakram* No matter where you try to go, I will always find you, and I will always try to bring you back!

**Xion:** Awww, I know you meant that in a non-creepy way, and I truly am touched, Axel!

~And then she got her ass handed to her offscreen. I have no idea who to root for anymore.~

**Axel:** *is struggling to carry a hooded Xion bridal-style into The Castle That Never Was* Have you gained weight? *collapses and drops her*

**Xemnas:** ‘Ello, ‘ello! *picks up Xion and fucks off*

~Wow, weird lack of Roxas all day today.~

( _Unforseen Events_  
Our plans never accounted for the possibility of _everyone_ getting fed up with us and leaving! First Marluxia and Larxene, then Xion _and_ Roxas…What are we doing wrong? Should we have been meaner to them, was that it, were we not dickish enough? How did this come to pass? When the fuck did Roxas grow strong enough to wipe the fucking floor with me?! And what side are you even on anymore, Lea? We joined the Organization at the same time, and formulated our vague and possibly evil plan. At this point, whatever it was is just an idle fantasy. Everything changed. You, and me.)


	26. This Game Is So Sad It's Making Me Tearbend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **The Rest Of The Things I Stole From:** _Avatar: The Last Airbender, Harry Potter, Bleach, Kill la Kill,_ Super Best Friends Play, _Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Dragon Ball Z, Kung Pow: Enter the Fist, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory,_ A Very Potter Musical, and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Day 357: Tears/THE SADDEST FUCKING THING IN THIS ENTIRE FRANCHISE~

**Hayner:** Time for a mood whiplash! Yo Pence, Olette, why’re you two so slow?

**Olette:** Because we had to spend all night chopping up limbs so we could spread the bodies around the town in a way no one would notice! What were _you_ doing, we called you!

**Hayner:** I was too busy thinking about the ice cream you two would end up buying me!

**Pence:** I keep wondering why I haven’t killed you yet.

**Hayner:** Probably because you can’t catch me! *runs off*

**Pence:** Oh, trust me, there are other ways… *follows Olette after him*

**Roxas:** *has been watching this whole time* I guess all friendships contain threats of homicide at regular intervals, though for the most part they don’t sound as serious as we’ve been lately… *thinks to himself for a minute* I think I’ll visit the clock tower one last time before I go…wherever I’m going. *heads up to the clock tower, but not before checking on the mansion for the fuck of it an unfortunately finding nothing* Wha—Moogle That Never Was, what’re _you_ doing here?!

**Moogle That Never Was:** Offering you one last chance to stock up on shit before you finish the game, kupo! Your munny always has a place in my pocket, kupo!

**Roxas:** …That’s oddly sweet of you. *sorts panels one last time and chooses to go up to the top of the clock tower, where he sits on the edge and wraps his arms around his knees* …Seriously, where the fuck am I supposed to go.

**Xion:** *sits down next to him, keeping her hood up*

**Roxas:** I somehow didn’t notice you until you actually sat down! How’ve you been?! Also how did you get away from Xemnas.

**Xion:** I don’t really know, but I bought ice cream for us.

**Roxas:** Thank you. *eats it slowly*

**Xion:** …So it’s final boss-ish time. *stands up*

**Roxas:** Whoa, where did that awesome music come from? *watches Xion take off her hood* …Ah.

**Xion:** Yeah, I kinda got no choice at this point. I’ve absorbed so many of your memories and powers and what-have-you that I feel like I’m gonna explode any minute. Heh, did you know Axel called me fat yesterday? That might’ve been part of it. Or all the popsicles, whichever. So whose face do you see, anyway?

**Roxas:** …Not yours.

**Xion:** A boy’s face?

**Roxas:** It’s a little androgynous, actually, but sure.

**Xion:** Then the process is nearly complete. In a few minutes, I’ll be dead, and Sora will cease to be a memory. But I don’t care if I have a boy’s face; I’m still a girl and will always be a girl. *smiles* Doesn’t Sora look adorable, though?

**Roxas:** …The hair’s different, but the face looks kind of like mine if I was a year younger or so.

**Xion:** Exactly.

**Roxas:** Oh. Ohhh, I see what you did there!

**Xion:** *giggles* And now I’m literally walking on the air, how the fuck am I doing that.

**Roxas:** *stands up* I was about to ask you, but now I won’t…wait, are we friggin’ Shinigami now?!

**Xion:** HOLY FUCK I ALMOST FORGOT THEY COULD DO THAT IN BLEACH IT’S BEEN SO FUCKING LONG.

**Roxas:** Did you ever notice a time when Ichigo realized he could do that? ‘Cause it kinda just seems like one episode he couldn’t and the next he could, no one really commented on it.

**Xion:** Pfft, I don’t fucking remember. *pulls her hood up again* And now I have to kill you. Which is probably why Xemnas let me go. *turns into a floating, human-sized pinkish Nobody, who summons a massive Dark Corridor and drags Roxas to Wonderland for some reason*

**Roxas:** Why _here,_ of all places — Oh look, one of those spinny silver device thingies I placed in Agrabah the other day.

**Xion:** I’m floating again, using rather Christ-like imagery, frankly. And now I’ve got wings made of blades and have summoned a new Keyblade for myself, though it looks more like a Scissor Blade than a Keyblade if you want my opinion. AND BOY AM I NOT GONNA FUCKING COMPLAIN ABOUT THAT, THIS IS THE HYPEST SHIT.

**Roxas:** I disagree, I have no desire to beat you to shit. *beats her to shit* Okay, we done now?

**Xion:** Nope! For I am now attracted to the next area that has a silver thingus! *transports them both to Halloween Town and changes her weapon again* IS THIS NOT THE SICKEST MOTHERFUCKING KEYBLADE YOU’VE EVER SEEN?!

**Roxas:** It is indeed quite nice, now I’d love to stop murdering you if you wouldn’t mind. *murders her again*

**Xion:** Damn, starting to get tired now. Not that you can tell with my face blocked by a pink helmet with a pink Nobody sigil thing plastered onto it…Oh well! Time to go to the location that you’re responsible for bringing us to! *transports them to Agrabah*

**Roxas:** …This is all my fault, isn’t it.

**Xion:** I wouldn’t say that. *basically turns into Kurt Zisa only with four arms and swords instead of six and smaller and slightly pinker because girls are apparently programmed to like pink or some bullshit whatever shut up* I always wanted to be taller than you!

**Roxas:** Okay, _now_ I don’t have a problem violently beating you with my giant key. *violently beats her with a giant key*

**Xion:** … _Ow?!_ *falls to her knees*

**Dark energy:** *starts swirling around her, lifting her up and making her convulse before transporting them to another planet again*

**Roxas:** *manages to regain his senses mid-teleport and sees Xion off in the darkness, somehow, even though her outfit and hair color are the exact same shade as the surrounding darkness* Xion! I’m coming, just wait for me! *starts to somehow run towards her in the darkness that has no visible floor*

**Xion:** *disappears as he gets closer and he finds himself also walking on the air in front of the clock tower*

**Roxas:** …Was this always like this?

**Xion:** Iunno. *is now fucking huge and more silver than pink and is holding two silver and pink swords that look like Nobody sigils*

**Roxas:** …WELL, I SURE HOPE NO ONE IS LOOKING UP TODAY! *starts bashing Xion in the midriff* …So Xion, you say you’ve been stealing my powers this whole time, right?

**Xion:** *casts Graviga, for all intents and purposes* Yeah?

**Roxas:** I can’t turn into a giant Nobody! How did you turn into a giant Nobody?

**Xion:** It doesn’t matter right now.

**Roxas:** It always matters.

**Xion:** Fine, then I blame the silver spinny things.

**Roxas:** Okay, fair…You know, you’re one of the easiest boss fights I’ve ever encountered. You holding back on me?

**Xion:** It’s certainly possible, isn’t it. *holds head as if she has a headache and then collapses to the ground* Oh I’m hurt! I am very much hurt!

**Roxas:** …So am I. Did I just reabsorb all my powers or something, what the hell’s going on. *collapses to the…air, I guess* So air is actually made out of glass, good to know. *watches it shatter* NO FALL DAMAAAAAAGE!

**Xion:** *reverts to her usual female form and falls to her knees*

**Roxas:** *clutches his head* Hey, I don’t believe I quite caught your name, you okay? I…don’t think I am. I feel like I’ve forgotten something really important, but fuck if I know what it was.

**Xion:** …Well this is more painful than I thought it would be. Still, at least now you’ll be the ultimate badass for like two more days before you revert back to level one again. *falls over*

**Roxas:** *catches her before she hits the ground* You seem to be dissolving. *looks sheepish* Did I do that?

**Xion:** …Well yes, but I asked you to. Better me die by your hand than lose myself and you to Xemnas and his schemes. These glass fragments splintering off of me are apparently Sora’s memories of Kairi, and they belong with him even if they’re probably being absorbed by you now instead maybe it’s not a hundred percent clear. *puts a hand on Roxas’s* Hey, you think you could blow up the moon for me? The heart-shaped one in The Word That Never Was, I mean. All those organs I harvested…return them to their rightful owners for me, okay?

**Roxas:** I’m so fucking confused right now. For example, are your legs turning into ice, glass, or crystal?

**Xion:** Oh not crystal, anything but crystal, I refuse to bring a shred of FFXIII into this shit, this is supposed to be _good_ shit, don’t ruin it by dragging in the bad shit!

**Roxas:** Glass it is!

**Xion:** But seriously, I feel like something really bad will happen if Xemnas completes Kingdom Hearts, so you should probably go about preventing that, even if that does mean you have to wait for your Somebody to do it in the sequel. And since I’m dying, I guess this is as good a time as any to say good-bye to you and Axel. *puts her hand on Roxas’s face* Even though I know for a fact you’re going to forget, I don’t want you to forget that the two of you are my best friends. So hold onto it as long as possible, okay? *lets her hand start to fall*

**Roxas:** *grabs it* I JUST REMEMBERED EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU! AND YOU CAN’T FUCKING DIE ON ME! _WHO ELSE WILL I HAVE ICE CREAM WITH?!_

**This line:** *is either the narmiest line in all of fiction or the most depressing line in all of fiction. I vote the latter because context matters*

**Xion:** *turns entirely to glass and then dissolves into light*

**Roxas:** Oh, she left a thalassa shell behind. Yoink! *has a flashback of Xion smiling at him on the clock tower* Oh yeah, my best friend is dead. Should probably weep incessantly over that. *weeps incessantly over that*

~I’m just crying buckets out of my tear holes.~

**Axel:** *is kicked back on his bed* I think you ought to know I’m feeling very depressed. *sits up, looks to the side of his bed, and sees an envelope on the floor* …The hell did I not notice this earlier. *picks it up and somehow possesses the ability to open envelopes while wearing gloves when in reality this is fucking impossible* Huh, one to three WINNER sticks depending on whether or not this is the game or the manga. Heh, he really should’ve held onto these himself; anyone who kicks Isa’s ass with as much ease as he did really deserves to be called a winner.

~Meanwhile, thousands of miles away…~

**Xemnas:** *Apparates into the Round Room*

**Saïx:** *also Apparates into the Round Room* So Xion’s finally dead.

**Xemnas:** Not sure if glad or sad. Eh, who even cares, just get Roxas back for me. We wants him. We needs him. Must have the precious…

**Saïx:** You’re the boss, boss. *Disapparates*

~All this human tragedy makes me sleepy.~

_Three Again?_

 

I’m going to set Kingdom Hearts free and find my way to Sora. I’m going to somehow bring Xion back from the dead. The three of us will have ice cream together again — I know it. Though it might take until the end of Kingdom Hearts III or something, but I’m patient. I can wait.

( _To My Best Friend_  
Roxas fucked off. It’s so like him to just leave that/those WINNER ice cream stick(s) behind. Come tomorrow, I’ll probably get the order to hunt him down, which I’ll fake to the best of my ability, but leaving the prizes here makes it seem like he’s really saying good-bye, and that he really thinks that I should get the Moai tissue dispenser thing. Which will be mine one day. I wish the three of us — Why did I write that? There’s only ever been two of us. And I wish that we could share some ice cream again someday. That’s what it is to be friends. Eating ice cream. That is it, that’s the message of this game. Eat ice cream with your friends or you’re not really friends.)

~Day 358: Believe~

**Roxas:** I believe I can now use two Keyblades. AWESOME. *transforms them both into Oathkeeper and Oblivion* Okay when did this game become _amazing._ *slaughters every Neoshadow in The World That Never Was that he can find* Dude, I want to dual-wield Keyblades for the rest of my fucking _life!_ Huh, these rain effects look pretty okay on the original DS, actually.

**More Neoshadows:** *come up from the ground behind him as he walks through the rain like a badass with his hood up*

**Roxas:** Hmph. Cakewalk. *summons Oathkeeper and Oblivion again, twirling them around just because he can and kills them all easily*

**Riku:** I’M ON TOP OF A BUILDING!

**Roxas:** Neat. *jumps over a bunch of Neoshadows that he somehow didn’t take out yet and starts running up the building, throwing Oblivion at Riku’s face*

**Riku:** *dives down and catches it* …Suddenly I’m having a hard time remembering Xion.

**Roxas:** As am I. *gets about level with Riku as he’s falling*

**Riku:** How are you doing that, by the way? *keeps falling*

**Roxas:** I don’t know, actually, this is new for me. *leaps on top of the building and stares at Riku as he has a slight headache but still manages to murder every Neoshadow that comes at his face, with Oblivion no less* …Okay, that’s pretty fucking badass. *jumps down way faster than Riku did and joins him in the slaughter*

**Riku:** *still holding to flashbacks of Xion* Hey, should we fight now?

**Roxas:** Yeah, okay. *they both leap back* So who are you, anyway, I know I keep seeing you around but I don’t think I ever got a name.

**Riku:** Doesn’t matter, I’m just here to kidnap you and eventually see you to your death-ish-type-thing.

**Roxas:** But I’m going to blow up the moon, though! That’s a good thing, why are you trying to stop me?!

**Riku:** Because Sora still has amnesia and it won’t stop unless he fuses with you.

**Roxas:** …Will we have to do the Fusion Dance?

**Riku:** Nah, he’d have to be awake for that, and him waking up is kind of the whole point.

**Roxas:** Whatever, I wasn’t interested in going with you anyway.

**Riku:** And just what do you plan to do, anyway?

**Roxas:** Blow up the moon, we just went over this. Somehow I’m convinced this will bring Xion back to life as well.

**Riku:** I can barely remember that bitch. And even if I could, you may be borderline invincible now, I’d still wait until the end of KHII when I can help a fully-awakened Sora and maybe Goofy destroy not only the moon but the rest of your band of misfits as well.

**Roxas:** But _I_ wanna do it, though! I’ll find Sora after, I promise!

**Riku:** Nope, not happening. The Organization will team up and take you down, unless they only send one member after another at your face with ample time to recover in between each fight, but that would just be idiotic of them and I can’t see that happening at all.

**Roxas:** We fight now. Aaaaand you’re still using Oblivion, huh, I guess I never learned the Summoning Charm when it came to these, or else I’d just recall it, I guess.

**Riku:** Fitting that I’m using Oblivion and you’re using Oathkeeper, though, isn’t it? Oh, shit, did you see the [deep dive] version of Another Side, Another Story? How fucking awesome did we look in that?!

**Roxas:** Pretty fucking sick, I just wish Kingdom Hearts III will end up looking like that for the most part.

**Riku:** If they’re so determined to skip an entire console generation they’d fucking better! *makes Oblivion light up and extend into like a sword made entirely of blue light*

**Roxas:** …Dude, how the fuck are you doing that.

**Riku:** I DON’T KNOW. Also now I am defeated apparently. *falls on his ass* So…have you ever asked yourself why you even have the Keyblade in the first place?

**Roxas:** N-No! Shut up, b-b-baka! *tries to strike Riku but Riku parries and knocks Roxas back, making his hood fall back in the process*

**Riku:** And now to claim my prize.

**Roxas:** That doesn’t sound sinister at all. *starts flashbacking to one of the times that he hung out with Xion and Axel on the clock tower* You know what is a term that I don’t want associated with people who dig around in my dead body? Mischievous architect.

**Axel:** *laughs* I will create the new flesh.

**Roxas:** It’s like, “Look what I did with Roxas’s spinal chord! I made a clown!”

**Xion:** *laughs* What the fuck goes through your head?!

**Roxas:** That. *elbows Xion*

**Axel:** *puts his hand on Roxas’s arm* People leave their house because they’re like “WHY’S THERE SMOKE IN HERE,” and then you sneak in through the window, and give them flowers.

**Xion:** That’s not a thing.

**Roxas:** I know, but I want it to be! *flicks her on the back of the head* You constantly want things that don’t exist and aren’t things!

**Xion:** No, I think they exist.

**Axel:** I—okay, fair enough, that’s a small distinction, but, sure.

**Xion:** I pretend that they exist.

**Axel:** Why did you think you could do this?!

**Roxas:** ‘Cause I thought I was a big man, and I’m not!

**Axel:** No, you’re not a big man! No one here is a big man!

**Xion:** *shaking Roxas’s shoulder* That’s why we’re here!

**All three of them:** *guffaw and have a lovely chortle-fest*

**Riku:** *staring at Roxas while he’s having this flashback* I should’ve activated my cutscene powers sooner. Oh well. *jabs Oblivion into the ground by Roxas’s head for some reason* …Okay, maybe I shouldn’t have done that.

**Roxas:** Ya _think?_ *struggles to get up, using Oblivion as leverage and pulling it out of the ground to take a swipe at Riku*

**Riku:** *uses Dark Firaga as Roxas comes at him*

**Roxas:** *blocks it and swipes at Riku again, causing him to jump away* Have you forgotten the fact that I’m practically invincible or what?

**Riku:** And yet you’re still so weak, Sora. Honestly, I expected better of you.

**Roxas:** *with Sora’s voice* And yet I’m the one kicking your ass! Also did you forget that the score was a hundred to three in my favor when we left the fucking island?! *blinks, and talks in his normal voice* …What the fuck just happened.

**Riku:** Hey! You really are Sora’s Nobody! Looks like DiZ called it!

**Roxas:** …Well normally that would answer all my questions, but you just had to throw whoever DiZ is into the mix, didn’t you. Now I’m just as confused as ever. Also I’d like to think that I have my own life to lead, so if you don’t mind… *summons Oathkeeper and attacks Riku with both Keyblades while he has to defend himself with his bare arms*

**Xion:** I’m telepathic now! YAY POWERS OF DEAD PEOPLE! Also kick his ass, I totally regret making him make that promise.

**Roxas:** How many times do I have to spank you before you stay spanked, you little bitch!

**Riku:** …Well apparently this is my limit.

**Roxas:** What’re you talking about?

**Riku:** Something I’ve been avoiding since the end of Chain of Memories. Since the end of KHI, actually. *takes off his blindfold* I think this is a permanent Transfiguration, though. Oh well, at least Sora will be okay if I do this. *starts crackling with sexual energy and explodes into a pillar of blue and purple mist or whatever*

**Roxas:** …Why am I just letting him power up instead of going in for the kill right now?

**Riku:** And now I look like Xehanort’s Heartless, complete with that weird guarding thing. Good for me. *teleports in front of Roxas and has the guardian grab him* Kablam.

**Roxas:** It’s okay, I didn’t need those ribs. *drops both Keyblades which vanish into both light and darkness depending on the Keyblade*

**Riku:** I have now done the thing.

**Roxas:** *is repeating his flashback from earlier* You know what is a term that I don’t want associated with people who dig around in my dead body? Mischievous architect.

**Axel:** *laughs* I will create the new flesh.

**Roxas:** It’s like, “Look what I did with Roxas’s spinal chord! I made a clown!”

**Xion:** *laughs even as she turns transparent* What the fuck goes through your head?!

**Roxas:** That. *elbows Xion* Hey, you appear to be turning incorporeal.

**Xion:** Seems that way.

**Axel:** *puts his hand on Roxas’s arm* People leave their house because they’re like “WHY’S THERE SMOKE IN HERE,” and then you sneak in through the window, and give them flowers.

**Xion:** That’s not a thing.

**Roxas:** I know, but I want it to be! *flicks her on the back of the head* You constantly want things that don’t exist and aren’t things!

**Xion:** No, I think they exist.

**Axel:** I—okay, fair enough, that’s a small distinction, but, sure.

**Xion:** I pretend that they exist. Like how I no longer exist. *vanishes completely*

**Axel:** Why did you think you could do this?!

**Roxas:** ‘Cause I thought I was a big man, and I’m not!

**Axel:** No, you’re not a big man! Neither of us are big men!

**The two of them:** *guffaw and have a lovely chortle-fest*

**Riku:** *stares down at Roxas, sees DiZ coming from out of the corner of his eye, and immediately puts his hood up*

**DiZ:** …Well you just grew six feet. *stares down at Roxas*

**Riku:** He spoke with Sora’s voice for a minute there. I think. I assume that’s what it would sound like once he went through puberty. It certainly _sounded_ like something Sora would say at any rate, and it wasn’t Roxas’s normal voice.

**DiZ:** That’s nice. Why does _your_ voice sound different.

**Riku:** …No reason.

**DiZ:** Fine, whatever. Now excuse me while I continue to be a prejudiced asshole towards Nobodies.

**Riku:** You’ve never met Sora while he was awake, have you? Believe me, he would’ve turned Roxas around instantly, no violence necessary.

**DiZ:** Bull.

**Riku:** No, roast beef, but I haven’t got it quite right yet.

**Roxas:** I’m unconscious!

**Xion:** And I’m still using whatever part of me that’s left to speak to you one last time. And considering how I’m technically a clone of both you and Sora, that means that I’m basically the same as you two anyway, and I’m just going back where I belong by being absorbed into Sora. Or you. It’s still not a hundred percent clear. Also the usual bullshit that we went through all last game about how the memories themselves will always be inside you even if you can’t reach them HAS TOTALLY BEEN PROVEN TO BE BULLSHIT BY MY VERY EXISTENCE BECAUSE I SIPHONED THEM OUT OF SORA’S HEART but I digress. We’ll still always be together except for the fact that we won’t anymore unless KHIII blows everyone away with its ability to pull shit out of its ass. Which I believe will indeed happen since this universe is finally starting to make a vague semblance of sense. And now I am the dead. Bleh.

~I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear that over me SOBBING MY FUCKING EYES OUT FUCK THIS GAME FOR BEING THIS UNEXPECTEDLY AMAZING.~

_Goals_  
With luck, we can drag Roxas back kicking and screaming, but even if Sora should awaken, as the hero of the Keyblade, he is bound to keep harvesting organs. If he should come to target us, we need simply throw our members at him one after the other in hopes that he’ll eventually weaken and use his powers for ourselves once more. I must become one with Kingdom Hearts. I will become a higher existence. All of my true ambitions that I refuse to tell the rest of the Organization about begin there.)

~Day 359: The First Day~

**Roxas’s room in Twilight Town:** *is pretty well furbished and full of crap he probably uses for a room that doesn’t actually exist*

**Roxas:** Where did I get these pajamas, anyway. *sits up* I’m complaining about a dream I had about another guy. _Instant_ shipping fodder, and I’ve only been onscreen for eleven seconds. Yep, this is gonna be a fun one. *opens window and sticks head outside* Let the insane amount of confusion commence! *eventually gets dressed and heads out toward the usual spot* And I’m still obsessed with hitting the beach, even though the four of us haven’t actually discussed going there yet! Huh, wonder what made me think of that, then. Something about vacations? Eh, I’m sure it’s not important.

**A more subdued version of “Sanctuary”:** *begins to play in the background*

**Camera:** *pans to get a sweeping shot of the clock tower in Twilight Town, where Roxas currently lives*

**Roxas:** YEAH, A WEEK LEFT OF SUMMER VACATION, LET’S DO THIS!

**Player:** …BRB tearbending.

**Credits:** *are gorgeous, I ain’t fucking with these*

**Sora’s pod:** *opens up*

**Roxas:** …So you’re Sora. Your hair’s lighter than I would’ve thought, and it looks like you’ve grown a bit this past year despite no obvious source of nutrition.

**Sora:** I can’t hear you, I’m unconscious.

**Roxas:** Well, at least you get to play the game now. Looks like my six-day vacation’s over.

~…I need to go curl up in my sock drawer and sleep for a few days now…~


End file.
